Desperate for Advice
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Whatever is it she does want it is clear that she DOESN'T want to stop drinking.
It doesn't matter how much you want her to stop, cut down etc it's clear she doesn't want to. Nothing in your relationship will change. You've done the right thing ending it - you deserve better
It doesn't matter how much you want her to stop, cut down etc it's clear she doesn't want to. Nothing in your relationship will change. You've done the right thing ending it - you deserve better
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 12
THANK YOU to everyone offering me your heartfelt advice. I am still shell-shocked. I'm hurting. My parents were married for over 50 years until the passing of my father. I learned from them that in order for any relationship to succeed, you have to be wanting and willing to do whatever it takes to overcome whatever obstacles life throws at you. My AG is always telling me how she's in love with me and that she always wanted to be with me, side-by-side. It's just difficult to fathom that she would rather choose alcohol, alcoholic roommates, and working at a bar instead of our relationship.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 132
Originally Posted by riverag 
THANK YOU to everyone offering me your heartfelt advice. I am still shell-shocked. I'm hurting. My parents were married for over 50 years until the passing of my father. I learned from them that in order for any relationship to succeed, you have to be wanting and willing to do whatever it takes to overcome whatever obstacles life throws at you. My AG is always telling me how she's in love with me and that she always wanted to be with me, side-by-side. It's just difficult to fathom that she would rather choose alcohol, alcoholic roommates, and working at a bar instead of our relationship.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi Riverag
I know this hurts. I have been in your shoes when I was a child...yes different but same feelings of pain, anger and disbelief. I have watched a man that loved me go through something a bit similar...not exactly but the basic feelings were similar. I really think this isn't about you or your relationship, hard as that is to believe. This is about addiction. She CAN'T make any logical decision or choices until she has had some sober time and is in acceptance that she must get help. And you need to accept you can never change her (only she can) and that she will always be an alcoholic, even when in recovery. This is where the Friends and Fam thread can help you. I recommend you let it go for now as best you can.
I know this hurts. I have been in your shoes when I was a child...yes different but same feelings of pain, anger and disbelief. I have watched a man that loved me go through something a bit similar...not exactly but the basic feelings were similar. I really think this isn't about you or your relationship, hard as that is to believe. This is about addiction. She CAN'T make any logical decision or choices until she has had some sober time and is in acceptance that she must get help. And you need to accept you can never change her (only she can) and that she will always be an alcoholic, even when in recovery. This is where the Friends and Fam thread can help you. I recommend you let it go for now as best you can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 12
Hi everyone! It's me, Riverag! It's been almost five months since I posted my plea for help and advice. I wanted to give you all an update...
After I broke up with my AG in October, I went "no contact" with her. However, beginning Thanksgiving, she started texting me. At first her texts were saying that she liked my profile picture on Facebook. Given that we were no longer friends on Facebook, it was obvious that she was "stalking" me. I did NOT respond.
Her messages became more frequent and I ignored them all. Finally, at Christmas time, she texted me a long message saying that she missed me and was utterly disappointed we did not work out. She imagined so much happiness with me and she was still crying a lot and would appreciate if I could tell her something that would not make her miss me. Of course no mention at all of her drinking being the reason why I broke up with her. I ignored this message as well.
New Year's Eve she texted me "Hello." I was fed up. I texted back to her that I loved her but it was obvious I did not make her happy. I told her that I wanted her to be happy even if it was not with me, and that I wanted her to try not to contact me anymore. She said she was "...suprised and didn't know what to say." I again told her that I wanted her to be happy and that I had hoped that she had found another man that would make her happy.
Two weeks later she texted me "What is your address?" Needless to say, I did not respond.
I have great news...I have moved on and am dating someone that is awesome! She's an attorney and it is so refreshing that she can either take or leave alcohol. I am so happy! I recently posted a picture of her and I on my Facebook page. I did this because I wanted to show her off to my friends. But my close female friends have told me that I shouldn't have done that...that my AXG will now definitely try to contact me and try to prove to me that she was able to beat her addiction and try to win me back.
Based on this, I would like to ask something that's been on my mind:
1. Is it true that "once an addict always an addict"? Is it possible that when my AXG does find another man she may be healed of this addiction?
2. Is it true that addicts try to come back to the person who loved them and really tried to help them, even though this person (like me) has moved on with someone else?
After I broke up with my AG in October, I went "no contact" with her. However, beginning Thanksgiving, she started texting me. At first her texts were saying that she liked my profile picture on Facebook. Given that we were no longer friends on Facebook, it was obvious that she was "stalking" me. I did NOT respond.
Her messages became more frequent and I ignored them all. Finally, at Christmas time, she texted me a long message saying that she missed me and was utterly disappointed we did not work out. She imagined so much happiness with me and she was still crying a lot and would appreciate if I could tell her something that would not make her miss me. Of course no mention at all of her drinking being the reason why I broke up with her. I ignored this message as well.
New Year's Eve she texted me "Hello." I was fed up. I texted back to her that I loved her but it was obvious I did not make her happy. I told her that I wanted her to be happy even if it was not with me, and that I wanted her to try not to contact me anymore. She said she was "...suprised and didn't know what to say." I again told her that I wanted her to be happy and that I had hoped that she had found another man that would make her happy.
Two weeks later she texted me "What is your address?" Needless to say, I did not respond.
I have great news...I have moved on and am dating someone that is awesome! She's an attorney and it is so refreshing that she can either take or leave alcohol. I am so happy! I recently posted a picture of her and I on my Facebook page. I did this because I wanted to show her off to my friends. But my close female friends have told me that I shouldn't have done that...that my AXG will now definitely try to contact me and try to prove to me that she was able to beat her addiction and try to win me back.
Based on this, I would like to ask something that's been on my mind:
1. Is it true that "once an addict always an addict"? Is it possible that when my AXG does find another man she may be healed of this addiction?
2. Is it true that addicts try to come back to the person who loved them and really tried to help them, even though this person (like me) has moved on with someone else?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Riverag 
I don't consider myself healed from the addiction but I have the addiction in remission permanently, if you like.
Although many people helped me, no one 'fixed' me, I had to do that myself.
Some of us have trouble letting go - I had trouble because I was convinced I'd never find love again.
Low self esteem is a characteristic of addiction so in that sense I guess you could say some addicts do try and come back.
A lot don't tho
I understand that you may still care for your ex in some ways, but if you've moved on, your ex is no longer your problem or your concern IMO.
D
1. Is it true that "once an addict always an addict"? Is it possible that when my AXG does find another man she may be healed of this addiction?
Although many people helped me, no one 'fixed' me, I had to do that myself.
2. Is it true that addicts try to come back to the person who loved them and really tried to help them, even though this person (like me) has moved on with someone else?
Low self esteem is a characteristic of addiction so in that sense I guess you could say some addicts do try and come back.
A lot don't tho
I understand that you may still care for your ex in some ways, but if you've moved on, your ex is no longer your problem or your concern IMO.
D
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Originally Posted by riverag
1. Is it true that "once an addict always an addict"? Is it possible that when my AXG does find another man she may be healed of this addiction?
And no, neither addiction nor recovery is caused by the presence or absence of a significant other.
Originally Posted by riverag
2. Is it true that addicts try to come back to the person who loved them and really tried to help them, even though this person (like me) has moved on with someone else?
People like to portray alcoholics as spawns of Satan because that makes it easier for them to do what they must do and cut ties. But the truth is, addicts are human beings just like you. They love, they dream, they hope, they hurt. Sounds like she truly loved you, but she lost you because of the alcohol and will have to work through that pain and move one.
Sounds like she was more into you than you were into her. Given that you pretty quickly found happiness with someone else, I'd say there's no basis for you to look back over your shoulder regarding XGF whether or not she's drinking.
The kindest thing you can do is to help her accept the finality of this break. Tell her you wish her the best, but you're seeing someone else now who's a better fit for you and you want no further contact. Let her know that if you hear from her again, you'll have to block her number out of respect for your new girlfriend.
Don't mention the alcohol because she may take that to mean that if she quits drinking, there's a chance with you.
Good luck!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
