Dee74

I missed the thread but I am glad you're feeling a little better MB

D

dru1085

MB.. you are my hero and inspiration to stay sober .. Im on day 8, I would do anything to be where you are sober length wise. Keep your head up, you have a lot more support than you know .

Dru -

Notimetoloose

I wonder why it happens...I like what Andante said..I feel like there something to the the burned out neurons and receptors and wiring!...

MB, I feel a bit the same way you do with one significant difference, I, also, feel there are a lot of inadequate people around me as well...equal opportunity inadequateness ...
..but that's okay, most of us are human and having a go...and that is what is so great.

I feel like I need to get back some of my F..it ...just a little.
Reserve only for those and the things around me that are out of my hands.

Give yourself a pat on your back MB...you are an inspiration...the way you will share with us, is so good..it helps a lot of us. I hope it helps you talking about what's happening.
You have and are working so hard......

I agree with the others that talking with a good professional can help to address with the dribble negative talk and feelings...
I know money is tight but perhaps the investment for a psychologists that specialize in setting and achieving goals and tasks...or a life coach, support person.

saoutchik

Hi MB, it does sound like you are suffering from depression so I guess that what others have said about seeing a doctor is correct.

All the things you have done, staying sober, getting a job, these are good things and you should be proud of yourself.

You deserve to feel better

helpimalive

I'm glad it was relevant. If it helps, there are books and stuff on dealing with imposter syndrome. That could help some

Soberwolf

Hi MB I think you are awesome I liked Anna's post

MythOfSisyphus

Hang in there, Blue! Getting sober was a big step, I hope you know that. Once that is done there is still normal life. Maybe talk to the doctors and see if our meds can be tweaked. It's not an exact science, and sometimes it takes a bit of trial and error to find one that works for you. Don't give up! You aren't a quitter, that's served you well in sobriety and it can serve you well in life.

I have had a couple of very important relationships with people suffering depression. I understand at least a bit just how difficult it can be. But I also have come to believe that no one is hopeless. In the short term, perhaps you can experiment with some positive self-talk. CBT might possible be an option, too.

Hang in there, MB! You can get there!

Reset

3 years is a long time. Thanks for the words of encouragement (that it gets easier), I needed that.

Regarding your boss: if you're doing a good job, you're probably the least of the bosses worries. But if you're really worried about your position, talk to your boss. Ask them for feedback, ask them if there are areas in which you can perform and if there are ways you can take on more responsibility. The answers might surprise you.

ardy

My Dear Friend Midnight Blue... love that to bits.. for just saying that name makes me feel better. Midnight Blue... I have the same problem.. my Daughter is home from your Beautiful Island.. we had breakfast yesterday as we packed her car with kitty and all kinds of stuff. and then talked of the past and now.. I went in to tears. for I feel that I can never make up for all the wrong of the past.. and Melly grabbed me hard and shook me Mom.. your great.. you try so hard.. you just have to realize that you have done this all and so much more ... Look where we are today Ivan Barry and me... I sobbed.. for I feel that I have missed so much.. and have messed so much of their lives up .. but you know what kids and Beans its not me .. is life that did that. and we have to live this life for what it is and hold tight to the good memories. love ardy

ccam1973

Hang in there MB. You've made a lot of adjustments to your life. Try to remember you are special and deserve to live a good and rewarding life. Believe that, live that and others will see you, how you see yourself.

I know you are a strong person and believe in you.

Great job on 3 years!

Ruby2

MB, I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I don't have any advice, just support. I've been feeling much the same way lately. It hurts.

I'm getting to the point of seeing the doctor. Hang in there. Some days are better than others. Hold on to those days.

ReadyAtLast

Hey MB sending hugs

I'm sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I can relate as started a new job about 4 months ago and am terrified of losing it. Even though I've not done anything wrong i love it so much and am scared to lose it. It's almost as if I don't feel I deserve to be happy or have something so good happen to me and it'll just be a matter of time till it ends.

I'm learning to re-program myself and tell me that I do deserve it, just as anyone else does. Part of it is self hatred and sheer fear which leads to crippling anxiety. I do take very low dose anxiety meds which help hugely.

I would agree with others who suggest you see your doc. When newly sober I just thought these feelings had to be accepted. When i saw my doc she ran blood tests and I was perimenopausal which at 39 was a huge shock. This increased my feelings of anxiety etc and since being on HRT the feelings have eased considerably. Even seeing your doc to rule out any other underlying cause can't do any harm.

you are a wonderful person and deserve happiness. Many congrats on 3 years too - they say anniversaries can lead to strange feelings too don't they. Maybe this is part of it. stay strong and stay on SR

MidnightBlue

Thank you so much again, friends. Reading your posts is like coming back to a family with unconditional love which I never had, to say the least.


These are my feelings exactly, ReadyAtLast. Thank you for writing this.

Actually, my probation period at work was over about a week ago, and during all the 3 months of probation period they consistently increased my "motivational bonus". And I invented every possible and impossible explanation while they've been doing this - from that they hope they will get their "return on investment" to "smoothing the way to get rid of me". I just can't live with my own thoughts.

Ok, enough of this.

Whatever.

ardy

Hey Midnight Blue... Now you look into the mirror and shout HEY BLUE a Blue Star Mom Hears you.. and a billion Blue Stars in the Midnight Blue Sky love you so much and know you are the Best.. Yes Sir.. My Dear Girl Yes Sir... hold tight for as the time goes by .. you will be the best at whatever it is that you do .... I know it.. Why Cause Babe of my Heart I am an Army Strong MOM... now laugh and have some tea and GO GET' EM... ardy

MidnightBlue

Hi, all.

So, it's been 2 months since my original post and things are just going worse and worse.

I live in constant hell of anxiety. From more or less healthy eating I slipped to habits of hectic eating which doesn't' help.

I've never been "reprimanded" by any of my bosses, but still feel like I am the cause of every possible trouble.

I am depressed and apathetic, and panic-filled and neurotic at the same time.

This Saturday my ex dropped by (very complicated and long story why I can't tell him go to hell right now) - and ticked me off to the point that threw me completely out of balance. Monday I was literally shaking at work (3+ years sober, so no other reason my immense stress) and couldn't stop crying. Luckily I am still the only one in the room so I didn't embarass myself. But I was hell scared if someone comes and sees me like that. What is the worst I have an important and quite challenging task to accomplish and I can't focus on it. I just stare at the monitor and can't put a couple of sentences together. And it just pours kerosene into my panic fire.

I still struggle financially and though I now pay to banks and have them off my back, I have to talk to people I owe money to and settle my schedule of payments.

My ex doesn't know about my debts and though probably, as hard as it is it could be "the best policy", I can't bring myself to tell him about this. You see, some time ago, before our break-up, he called me "a miserable useless person". He asked his friends from intelligence to dig into my family history and threw me in the face that my father was alcoholic and a low-life (BTW, he wasn't !!! I wrote this long story about 2 years ago in my blog. And since then found my father's documents.) I remember back then I felt like hit by train.

Long story short and moving forward I pushed all my feelings deep and dead and threat to become homeless was hanging pretty dangerously over my head and feelings were sort of luxury. My ex helped me then - borrowed money and with other things. I happen to have no one at all to turn to help to - almost no family, and what stands beyond "almost" - that's kind of family that will make the worst enemies run for their money.

Anyway. Surely people around don't know what happened between me and my ex and why emotionally I will hardly ever recover to the point where I can feel safe with him. Every time he drops by I become tense and alert.

Every one sees him like a noble white knight who helps his ex (me), and it makes me feel torn apart, and like it's me who is always in the wrong - doesn't appreciate "real things", "it's all in my head" and "can't let go of the past", and so on.

This time something exploded. I couldn't keep "all that is my head". He said something - in his "bossy-patronizing" tone, and I went viral. I burst into crying and smashed my knuckles against the wall.
Later I managed to get myself together and even smiled, but I just wanted him to see that I was "ok" and to be left alone.

It was like my skin fell off and my nerves were naked and burning.

I can't help it. In his presence I don't feel myself. I start questioning "am I really a useless person? If I were not a useless person maybe I would not find myself in such a terrible situation?"

I think that smashing my fists and cutting skin open was ultimate manifestation of inner pain - I can't push it under any more. I can't beat myself constantly any more. I can't trade my life for roof over my head any more. After all, If I feel dead all the time - what's the point?

I feel terrible and trapped because still can't move out now because of financial situation. And at the same time am suffocating. I can't live with constant reminders of pain and my past mistakes knocking me out.

And, to crown it all, my gym membership is over, and I have no money to buy a new one. Yeah, I know, some would probably say "Oh, it's surely the end of the world". Please, "before you come to any conclusion, try walking in my shoes". Yes, in a way it is. Sport, and particularly boxing, is my world. Doesn't matter how s***ty my day is and whatever my ex may say, when I put on my gear I instantly feel and know who I really am. My warrior spirit lives in my boxing gloves.

Now I feel like I am slipping into endless hopelessness. I meditate but can't gain back the drill - I force myself to do it but yet have no relief.

I put on weight and don't recognize myself.

I am losing myself. Again. To what? To "security"? Safety? Stability? Fear?

I am betraying myself. Day in and day out. And I hate myself for this. And I need compassion for myself, but I don't know how to turn to "supportive compassion" (meditation, taking care of myself, etc) instead of "old whining compassion" (sweets-and-crap-food treatment, watching tv, etc.).

I am sick of all this. It's already late at my part of the world. Tomorrow is another struggle and terrifying feeling of anxiety. And hatred to my life.

It's been 5 days since Saturday and I still can't put myself together and feel paralyzed. I was so many times humiliated for poverty as a kid that somehow I still can't react to this with emotions detached.



Thank you for listening.

ardy

MidnightBlue,,,, everytime I am really upset and down . I say your name. for it is like a song that holds me tight... you can do this kiddo I know it.. and you will be stronger and better fit for the Good Fight... listen to me. hahahaha and I was in such a state today too.. almost time for me to clock out here in the States.. my job is a peach. I love it to bits not much of a job.. but it is what you make it.. and the staff likes me.. my boss is an well a lady just does not go there.... so Midnight you hold tight cause babe you can do this ... and I know you will be so much better... do this.. I do every time I get paid 20.oo in folding money or coin goes into a secret place just for me to know its there.. every so often I know I have done better for me.. cause that little bit of coin is larger ... and I don't use it .. sometimes just take a look and say in a year or so will get on the bus and go see Becky... dreams we have to have the good dreams to hold the bad world at bay. love kiddo and so many hugs of hope and Faith and Family.. just an old Mum in the States...

ReadyAtLast

hey MB I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling. One thing jumped out at me about you ex and how he causes you tension when he comes round. Is it possible to tell him not to come round anymore. He's an ex for a reason Neither do you need to tell him of your financial issues.

you are not worthless - you are a good person who is having a rough time at the moment but you will come out the other side. Is it possible to arrange gym membership on a monthly basis so it's not a large payment out all at once or even pay as you go? I'm sure they won't want to lose the subscription and will be happy to look at monthly payments. If this isn't an option could you run?

I would also suggest yoga and meditation as this works wonders for me. there are sessions online which wouldn't involve any payments.

You've done the right thing coming to SR and I hope it helps.Thinking of you. RAL.x

Soberwolf

Well I think your amazing here if you ever want to talk my sober sister

keeppushing

MB,

Seems to me that you have quite an extensive and supportive family here. Never forget that.

KP

Convalescence

Hi MB,

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all these painful feelings. I know it's hard, but please don't dwell on the bad things that could potentially happen. Right now, you have a great job that you love... and I believe you were hired because you're genuinely good at what you do.

Your boss could be dealing with a lot of different issues - family problems, job duties - maybe they're just a melancholy person. There are tons of factors to consider there, so please don't assume you're the cause of their unhappiness.

Take care, you're not alone in this.