dunkelheit

This is really strange to describe, but I feel as though my body, and brain are physically rotting. Sometimes I feel an audible, throbbing pressure in my head, and I start zoning out. I have to keep a movie running 24/7 so that I don't zone out completely, or I just stare at the wall for hours, completely numb, and without an internal voice. It isn't meditation, more like abstract fear, and desperation. My hair's falling out. I just sit here, pulling out my hairs until my scalp hurts. I accidentally got putrefaction liquid on my clothes, and I haven't been able to get the smell out. It won't wash off of me. When I shower, I can still smell it. All the furniture stinks of decay. I'm living alone in the middle of the woods right now. I dread the sundown every day. I hate looking out the window and seeing complete blackness because I feel as though the world has disappeared, or that I have.

I don't even have the desire to drink anymore. I want to cut myself. A lot. Deep.

Dee74

Do you have a Dr or therapist dunkleheit?

sometimes it's good to talk these things out with people who are best placed to help you?

D

dunkelheit

I don't know how talking about how I feel is supposed to help. It never has. What does help a bit is human interaction, which I generally don't get unless I'm also having sex with the person. So every break-up is traumatic as f*** for me, because then I have to go through the process of finding another dysfunctional person who's okay with dealing with someone with major depression and BPD for a while.

dunkelheit

But yes, I'm still seeing a therapist. Since forever.

Anna

I think that talking to your dr would be a good idea. It could be possible that medication would help you and there are many options if you've tried onethat didn't work well. And, a therapist could help you to deal with your feelings.

Jsbodhi

I find posting on the threads around SR helps when I'm feeling lonely, maybe head around the forum and join in? The weekend thread is good for that
Xoxo

teatreeoil007

So you've had a recent break-up?

It's good you are here; a great place to vent your feelings and find support and empathy.

When was the last time you saw your Dr. and had a complete check-up including thyroid?

FLCamper

Do you work? You must get out some in order to meet a friend to spend the night with. Sounds like living out in the sticks isn't a good place in your frame of mind.
I don't know anything about your situation - but good job staying away from the alcohol.

EndGameNYC

No drinking. No hair pulling. No cutting. No self harm.

You've been moving in the darkness your entire life. Looking for something, even during the worst of times, all the while believing that you'll never reach the worst of times. You've somehow been convinced that you're looking in the right place. The darkness has offered you nothing, not even the peace that you crave. It's empty, even of emptiness. It's dark because there's nothing there for you. Not anymore.

You're not to blame for your mental condition. You didn't ask for this. Now that you've got it, you're responsible for everything you do. Stop colluding with the darkness.

Start slowly. There are no big splashes in building a better life. It's done brick by brick. Walk into the sunlight. You need some color.

ast1

Have you tried taking a bath in baking soda and lemons. That should help neutralize the smell on you. You really want to get the oil from the peel but the juice is good also. Good idea to soak clothing in when your done. The furniture maybe spray with vinager outside and let it sit to air out.

Breath in the smell of coffee grounds. That should help clear the nasual passage.

dunkelheit

My bloodwork came back normal for everything when I went to the doctor about losing my hair, except for my ALTs, which were 3x higher than normal. He just gave me a steroid cream, and sent me on my way. I went in there just because my hairs were falling, but immediately when I walked into the office, he pulled up my medical records from the other hospital, and started talking about referring me to a psychiatrist, because apparently I should be on my meds again.

I applied for disability because I have never been able to hold down a job. The last job I had really tore me to shreds mentally and emotionally, so I ended up not doing my work for about a month. It really sucks because I scored my number one dream of dreams job, but I ultimately failed because I’m sick. I fail at minimum wage jobs that only require simple self-restraint when it comes to dealing with other humans.

I trashed my place a few weeks ago. It’s still in the same condition. I carved into the wall with a piece of broken glass. I had to cover all the windows with garbage bags because I’m out here alone, and I start seeing and hearing things. I feel as though I’m in a sensory deprivation chamber.

dunkelheit

The odour is starting to die down. Many of the gasses of decomp dissipate once the enterobacteria start to die off.

PennyLane76

Please start taking your meds again. the smells will go away then.

Berrybean

I read this thread, and felt sad for your struggles, but came away as had nothing helpful to add. Anyway - next thread I read made me think about 'Urge Surfing' which I've heard many people talk about so looked at an article about it and this link popped up on the page about Urge Surfing I was reading ...

Welcome to the Trichotillomania Learning Center

Sorry if it isn't helpful, but it just seemed such a coincidence seeing it after reading about you and your hair. Thought it was worth sharing just in case.

I really do hope you find someone who can help you. In the meantime, please, at least give your doctor another try. Maybe copy out your initial post on this thread to show him or her, just in case it is too hard to explain all that face to face.

Take care x

dunkelheit

I think my obsession with hair-pulling should subside once they stop falling out, or there are none left. I just wear a do-rag, or bandanas all the time to cover my bald patches. I usually do anyway because it goes with my "tough guy attitude". According to my previous therapist, I dress and act like a man because I'm converting my pain into antisocial behaviour, or something to that effect. I'm guessing she just said that because I come from a fairly affluent family, I have a degree in a "hard" science, and I got straight A's in university, but I look like a homeless, satanic drug-addict all the time.

I wish I had a time machine, so I could go back in time and start my last job all over again with the knowledge I have now about how much more miserable I would be for neglecting my work. I was in such a prestigious position, pursing my dreams, and now I'm rotting away, and going mad. Depression crushed my dreams, and I started drinking to forget about all that. Now my failure is rushing back.

Berrybean

'According to my previous therapist, I dress and act like a man because I'm converting my pain into antisocial behaviour, or something to that effect. I'm guessing she just said that because I come from a fairly affluent family, I have a degree in a "hard" science, and I got straight A's in university, but I look like a homeless, satanic drug-addict all the time.'

Why do YOU think you go for the satanic drug-addict look?

Dunkelheit. What advice would you give to a dear friend in your position?

dunkelheit

I don't much enjoy talking to people who haven't been through hell. I don't see the point of talking about frivolous ********. I get annoyed. Sometimes I find someone's face, or habits to be so frustrating, that I feel like punching them in the face until my fist hits concrete. I had that problem with my old lab partner. I hated him so much, I actually started to shake with rage, and I would tell him to get out of the lab just so I wouldn't end up beating him to death with a microscope. Same thing happened at my second job, I attacked 2 customers who made me mad. It's for the benefit of myself, and society, that I be as far away from other humans as possible.

I'm a terrible friend. I acknowledge maladaptive behaviour, however I cannot offer any positive advice.

Jsbodhi

I don't really know what to say, I'm sorry you're living out in the woods all by yourself though, that must be terribly isolating.
What is decaying in your house?
Sorry I'm not much help, I'm probably more annoying than anything else, but I just thought I'd say hi

Berrybean

How on earth do YOU know if THEY've been through hell Dunkel??
Maybe they have, and they're happy because they clawed their way out of it? Maybe, just maybe, you could learn something from them about clawing YOUR way out.

Do you think being happy would make you weaker Dunkel? I only ask because I spent a long time wearing my anger like a shield. I felt like it kept me safe. It kept 'the idiots' away. And if I could make people hate me straight off, then that was far safer than risk rejection. I hated 'them'. Almost as much as I hated me. I thought that THEY were the idiots despite all the evidence to the contrary. And I 'knew' I was 'clever' - after all that's what everyone had been telling me all my life, and I have the University of Cambridge certificate that backs that particular theory up, and that just made it even more frustrating that I couldn't get things sorted.

The thing is, my resentments; rage; and vitriol didn't protect me. I was fighting the wrong battle. Once I realised this was an 'inside job' and starting trusting people enough to take some advice and try things out (even though I don't really think those things would work - but I had nothing to lose) then things started getting better. And they continue to get better. I've hung up my cloak now, and nothings killed me (yet). But I had to WANT to get better. Be prepared to change. And find the courage to make myself 'vulnerable'. So although in many respects it was 'simple', it also wasn't easy.

My advise to you is to go to the doctor and get honest about how you're feeling. And maybe see if you can move somewhere where isolating isn't so easy, even if only for a while. Would it be possible to move in with some family for a bit?

dunkelheit

I went to a death metal show last night and drank. I had fun though, by myself. I'm not doing this counting the days of sobriety thing anymore, it's pointless. I really just want to stop going on 3-day benders.

While I was working, I dressed up professionally. It felt like a costume. At first, it was amusing to see myself in regular clothes, but after a while, I looked in the mirror, and I didn't recognize myself. I hated it. I generally don't cover up my scars for any reason, but I did at work. I don't even know how my tattoos and scars might affect my employability in the future. My tattoos all have themes related to darkness and death. But the point is, darkness is who I am. It's written all over my body. Violence is written on my face by the scar through my eyebrow, and my broken nose. Me trying to fit into this society is a lie. It will never happen.