Enabling family of origin
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Pottstown, pa
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Enabling family of origin
I am new to this forum but not to alcoholism. I divorced my husband of 44 years last year. His family, all of whom have drug and alcohol issues, enabled him to death. He died alone, on a filthy bathroom floor, a bar receipt in his pocket and a bellyful of booze and lay there rotting for several days until someone found him. The horror of that haunts me. That his father and brothers enabled him to avoid treatment and keep on drinking is something I cannot get over. I have such anger and hatred for these people and I struggle daily trying to keep that from affecting my life. Of course, to them, I am the bad guy because I finally, after discovering multiple infidelities had enough, that I did not enable him to avoid a deserved DUI conviction, that I dared to ask them for help to get him into treatment and mainly that I spoke the unspoken and said out loud the secret thing that they were all addicts. Life is not fair, I know, but that they, in my mind helped kill him and blame me for it is tough to live with,. Any insights welcome.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Babop 
Life is not fair, I know, but that they, in my mind helped kill him and blame me for it is tough to live with,. Any insights welcome.
Most drunks and addicts think to themselves, "it could never happen to me", even though they have seen others just like them die from addiction.
Just my thoughts -- the devil is a master at deception.
A fool is one who fools themself.
MM
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I am so sorry. I can imagine, as I grew up with two alcoholic parents. I know the rage that comes from not being able to reach them, not being able to get them to stop.
Addiction makes people very sick, mentally. They are sometimes in denial, to protect themselves from the ugly , frightening truth. They do not make good choices, but in the end, they are still responsible for their own choices.
Your ex was responsible for his own choices, even though they went along with him and made it easier for him to kill his self. He had a disease, yet its one that people do recover from. They just need to get help, and unfortunately, they have to reach out for it.
I understand your anger. His family sounds very sick, and not capable of making healthy choices. they probably thought they were loving him. its very sad.
I wish you peace.
Addiction makes people very sick, mentally. They are sometimes in denial, to protect themselves from the ugly , frightening truth. They do not make good choices, but in the end, they are still responsible for their own choices.
Your ex was responsible for his own choices, even though they went along with him and made it easier for him to kill his self. He had a disease, yet its one that people do recover from. They just need to get help, and unfortunately, they have to reach out for it.
I understand your anger. His family sounds very sick, and not capable of making healthy choices. they probably thought they were loving him. its very sad.
I wish you peace.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Johannesburg
Posts: 203
Babop,
that is truly sad - my ex's current girlfriend is doing the same thing and I fear the story will have a similar ending.
Knowing that they are unreasonable and that your resentment is harming you isn't going to make it go away. I really urge you to try Alanon or something similar to help you detach from this; it is poisoning your life.
all the best...
that is truly sad - my ex's current girlfriend is doing the same thing and I fear the story will have a similar ending.
Knowing that they are unreasonable and that your resentment is harming you isn't going to make it go away. I really urge you to try Alanon or something similar to help you detach from this; it is poisoning your life.
all the best...
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 359
Do not let the guilt eat at you - I understand that is a hard statement - but you did no wrong, in fact, you did what you could until you were no longer able.
Some people cannot be reached until the do it themselves. This includes your ex and his family. Not many want to drink alone, so unfortunately that encouragement to drink among alcoholics will always be there, but it's up to the person themselves to stop listening to others and listen to themselves.
May your ex husband rest in peace...for the rest of them...I recommend cut ties. You spent 44 years dealing with their nonsense and it's not your responsibility to save any of them. Close that chapter in your life, don't let it control the next 44 years.
Edit: They are going to blame you because they cannot look in the mirror and blame themselves - that does not make you at all responsible for your decision to improve your own life.
Some people cannot be reached until the do it themselves. This includes your ex and his family. Not many want to drink alone, so unfortunately that encouragement to drink among alcoholics will always be there, but it's up to the person themselves to stop listening to others and listen to themselves.
May your ex husband rest in peace...for the rest of them...I recommend cut ties. You spent 44 years dealing with their nonsense and it's not your responsibility to save any of them. Close that chapter in your life, don't let it control the next 44 years.
Edit: They are going to blame you because they cannot look in the mirror and blame themselves - that does not make you at all responsible for your decision to improve your own life.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Melbourne Beach, FL
Posts: 253
Welcome Babop. I have three words for you - Consider The Source. This is your deceased, ex-husband's family that you're talking about. Fundamentally, it doesn't matter what they think of you, honestly. Holding them accountable for his death by enabling him accomplishes nothing. While they validated and supported his addiction, he chose that lifestyle no matter the cost, and that is solely on him. IMHO, you need to forgive him so you can be at peace with yourself and let the past go. Hanging on to resentment and anger is poisonous to your soul. It reminds me of the Serenity Prayer - Accept the things I cannot change, find the courage to change the things I can, and have the wisdom to know the difference. You cannot change them or the past. You can only change your view and how you react to whatever life throws at you in the moment. If you can disassociate yourself from them, I would recommend you do so. And then work towards finding a future of happiness and peace.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob
Sounds like they are all in denial and about all you can do is pray for them. The sad fact is that, some of them may die in the same condition that your ex did.
Most drunks and addicts think to themselves, "it could never happen to me", even though they have seen others just like them die from addiction.
Just my thoughts -- the devil is a master at deception.
A fool is one who fools themself.
MM
Most drunks and addicts think to themselves, "it could never happen to me", even though they have seen others just like them die from addiction.
Just my thoughts -- the devil is a master at deception.
A fool is one who fools themself.
MM
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Welcome,
Sadly there is not much we can do until the alcoholic decides to seek support. I'm sorry for your situation.
There are numerous good books on how to let go of negative emotions:
"The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav
"A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle
"The Untethered Soul" by Michael A. Singer
Sadly there is not much we can do until the alcoholic decides to seek support. I'm sorry for your situation.
There are numerous good books on how to let go of negative emotions:
"The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav
"A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle
"The Untethered Soul" by Michael A. Singer
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