Weasel1966

I believe we are all responsible for our own thoughts. After all it is thought that leads to action so why not start where it all seems to begin.

I have a work friend. She and I walk daily and have worked together for 5 years combined. We laugh a lot. Life seems simple in our daily but brief conversations. Today I asked if she spoke of me to her husband. "Yes" she replied. I asked how? "My gay friend and I walk daily."

I hardly need qualifying. I asked simply that she refer to me as a friend. She defended the description as her "husband" would take it better if she used the descriptor. That in some way, me being gay would auto correct some wrong that was happening. I realized then that this was not about me.

But I could not shake it.

This will not change our walks. Our talks. But it is an ever reminder that me. We. Are seen through constant lenses. Gay. Alcoholic. Drug addict.

I cannot and will not spend time trying to fit. But I felt sad today. Not for me but for her.

I am a gay alcoholic drug addict. I live day to day. I love moment to moment. I have hope.

Fit that in your effing mold.

K

I posted this on the weekender but I feel the need to say it outright.

lizzyborden2011

Weasel1966- I do get where you are coming from... I have had a few long term friend/family members from work that I never GOT how they must classify me... you are who you are and you are working hard for a goal. That is all that is important....

biminiblue

um. Hug? Warning, I'm an older single woman. People might talk.

Reset

She obviously likes you for who you are. 5 years is a long time.

Maybe she likes you in part because you're gay and an ex-addict, not despite it. You probably bring some perspectives to the table that she doesn't get that often. Is that so bad?

Weasel1966

BiM... Lets make 'em talk. We will rock their worlds!

Weasel1966

No Reset. It's not. I am not sure I was complaining. I am not sure what I thought to be honest.

Just that lets all go easy on ourselves. Clearly she has some qualifiers. That's ok. But I am not a fan of being qualified.

Ya know what I mean? Not common for me.

FreeOwl

hahah!!! I love the ending....

I can see both sides of this.... it must be really lousy to be 'qualified' and labeled for your sexual orientation. Yet, it is realistic that a close friendship with a person of the opposite sex can be very threatening to a marriage. Certainly the fact that you're not a potential sexual threat can defuse some of the automatic defensiveness or concern.

Maybe it's an opportunity to actually celebrate something that can often be seen in a negative light. Too frequently in the world "gay" is a label associated with something threatening or dark or terrible or wrong... blah blah blah. Here is a situation wherein your label is a positive! Your label opens the door to a friendship that might not otherwise be possible. Your label eliminates potential problems for your friend and perhaps even spares you from the potential for an unexpected 'straight bashing' from a jealous husband!!

Your gayness, in this instance, is a goodness!!!

#gaytitude? (gratitued for being called 'gay'?)

I dunno.... just a thought.

Sasha4

I make sure that no-one can stuff me into a box that fits their stereotypical description of who I am.

I make good decisions.
I hope I am a nice person.
I am successful.
I like to think I am classy.

I love not fitting in that box !

MIRecovery

I spent most of my life trying to be something I wasn't. As long as I thought, that you thought, that I was OK, then I was OK.

Today for better or worse I am who I am and I make no apologies for doing as good as I can everyday

Madmartigan

Or the husband could be like me and forget names easily. When my fiance is throwing around names of people she works with I usually have to get her to tell me a little more to remember which work friend it is. Like "she's the one who did xxxx" or "he's the one who said xxx". Could be an innocent scenario like that.

Soberwolf

It might be she has a jelous husband & hearing she's out with a friend doesn't specify if its a girl by saying her gay friend maybe & I could be wrong but maybe it means no threat I don't know as obviously I don't know them but I know you and your not only my friend your one of my good friends Ken

Stay awesome bud

Weasel1966

You rock wolfie! Roof riding all the way!!!

Dee74

I can see two sides to this too - the qualifier gay in this context makes you 'safe' to a husband.

On the other hand I can see how it might tick you off - I'm never going to be just Dee.

I'm Dee the mod (or 'Dee that jerk' lol) or 'that guy on the scooter', or Dee, 'who for a singer is a great bassplayer.... '

All those are fine, but 'Dee that disabled guy' gnaws at me...
yet I know it's probably the qualifier most used behind my back, least said to my face.

What makes it ok for me is that I'm all those things...and a whole heap more...

and I have people in my life who know and appreciate that wholeness

I think, most days, I'm ok with it

D

wehav2day

I'll be your gay alkie friend, weasel!!

I feel you though. I'm may I got gay married. Or lesbian married, whatever . I'd like to think we just plain got married! But the world still needs to differentiate for some reason.

It reminds me of people saying "my Latino friend," or "my Black friend." Do we really need the qualifiers? I don't think so. Not unless you're speaking of an aspect where the declaration is important to the story.

I'd like to thing we are moving away from that labeling stuff, and one day we'll see it as some silly thing folks did a long time ago. Like use flip phones and wash our clothes on a washboard.

Jeni26

I think that story says more about your friend's husband than anything else Ken. I wouldn't need to qualify a friend unless I felt I needed to. Maybe it is more about his insecurities than anything else?

Love you ❤️.

I'm a middle aged, nerdy, introvert btw 😊

mecanix

It's none of my business how others perceive or refer to me in the third person .

My sobriety is solid and i don't let the flibberty-jibbert make me feel up or down as there are always up's and down's to be dealt with on my journey .

Someones race, sexuality, physical limitations or religion are sometimes crude but swift, short hand way to describe someone, at least they are talking about you and are, in as far as it goes interested enough to talk about you and it seems in a decent enough kind of way, not spiteful.

Some of us are terribly boring K and don't have anything much to say about anything and don't have others referring to us
Total acceptance of everything leaves you in a odd place where you don't desire much .

What change do you hope to bring about ? Is it possible ? or do you just accept it and move on ?

Bestwishes, m

pumpkinny

Maybe her husband is a jealous jerk.

FreeOwl

Or maybe it's totally reasonable to be uncomfortable with one's wife having a close intimate relationship with another man who might have a sexual interest in her.....

Weasel1966

HAHA... She's safe!!!! Believe me. Nice gal if you like that sorta thing.

I will say I don't have many close friends and I treasure our friendship. She asked me to meet him so I will. Maybe some after work happy hour that I get invited to all the time and never go.

buk1000

I would probably use the descriptor if I was in her shoes, just so that my significant other wouldn't spend a lot of time worrying. Since about 50% of the people I work with sleep with each other, I wouldn't put her through that worry.

But I can understand your point.