Sometimes Life Just Isn't Funny
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Great job on staying sober Cali.
From a guy's prospective, your request to your husband isn't out of line in the least. Sometimes those work relationships can cross the line even when the people don't mean for it to happen. If you are feeling uneasy about it, there is a good reason and you need to stay true to your gut feelings.
From a guy's prospective, your request to your husband isn't out of line in the least. Sometimes those work relationships can cross the line even when the people don't mean for it to happen. If you are feeling uneasy about it, there is a good reason and you need to stay true to your gut feelings.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Melbourne Beach, FL
Posts: 253
Ccam, good to hear from you! Thanks for the well wishes on staying sober. It got easier as the night went on. I need a guy's advice on how to explain my unease without sounding irrationally jealous. He says I'm making it out to be more than it is, they've been friends for almost 5 years, nothing has ever happened even when he was single and he loves ME. He shows her pics of me, and her husband knows about him. She encouraged him to marry me and she's highly religious. He thinks I'm trying to control him & tell him who his friends can or cannot be. He doesn't understand my perceived threat and thinks my request of dramatically reducing contact is unfair because nothing is going on and it's completely innocent. He says everything has to be my way, and if he does this, what am I going to demand next? I want him to make this choice because it hurts me and I should be the most important person in his life, not because I "demand" it. Maybe I should just let it go...
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I tend to stay out of relationship advice as I believe it is sacred ground. But I will say I believe it is within your "right" if you will, to have interest in this relationship. But #1 is that you remained sober, and that's a great accomplishment.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Hi Cali all I know is I'd proberly have a problem as its on that line sure Mrs sw has friends male aswell as female but hanging out together I'm not so sure of
I don't know are they childhood friends or something as you should say how would you feel if tables were turned
It's just a bit off isn't it I'm not sure if I should say that but i can only be honest with you
I asked Mrs sw and she said the same
I don't know are they childhood friends or something as you should say how would you feel if tables were turned
It's just a bit off isn't it I'm not sure if I should say that but i can only be honest with you
I asked Mrs sw and she said the same
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Melbourne Beach, FL
Posts: 253
They're not childhood friends, met at his (then) new job shortly after his separation from his wife 5 years ago. Of course he says if it were reversed, he wouldn't have a problem w it because he trusts me. Easy to say when the threat isn't there for him.
I see you are a fellow mindful individual that appreciates Buddhist principles. Very cool. That's a fairly new journey for me, and one I am looking forward to revisiting now that I have the sobriety to do it.
Thank you.
I see you are a fellow mindful individual that appreciates Buddhist principles. Very cool. That's a fairly new journey for me, and one I am looking forward to revisiting now that I have the sobriety to do it.
Thank you.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
First - the important thing is maintaining sobriety through something that triggers you like this so, GREAT JOB!! That IS the central focus here - your ongoing sobriety. 
I absolutely agree that opposite sex friendships can cross boundaries when people aren't careful or in them for the right reasons to begin with, but there ARE times when it's perfectly appropriate. They've been friends for years & their friendship predates you knowing your husband at all? She's married, her husband knows of their friendship & they don't associate outside of working hours. Are you seeing red flags in their behavior in some way? Where is the threat? Is it simply that he refuses to allow you to meet/chat? That WOULD be irksome & make me wonder if there was more than he was admitting to. (& it's likely as simple as compartmentalizing relationships, which is common behavior for active alcoholics. He could be afraid that in getting to know her, you'll wind up knowing too much about him that he's not prepared for..... my husband was a master of this technique!...)
Me, I'd ask him - "How can you expect me to be more accepting of someone you won't even allow me to meet? If her friendship is that important in your life, that makes her an important person in mine." Do you know if she has ever expressed a desire to meet you?
We just found out that a very great, lifelong friend will be visiting us over Christmas & I've been a bit anxious thinking about meeting the new wife. Over all the years RAH was in active music projects most all of his bandmates had become my best friends & while I'm thrilled for them when they meet their partners, fall in love & get married; it's almost always the beginning of the end of our friendship for no good reason. It's really gotten to me over the last few years. I've been a great friend to all of them (we're talking a solid decade+ of friendship) & they have always treated me like their little sister & most of time the women see that closeness as a threat & work harder on dismissing me than accepting me. (Trust me, there is ZERO threat from me, I am super careful about boundaries after having so many male friends for so many years - but I can't make them see/believe that... even RAH shakes his head - he's been right here through all these years & never so much as raised an eyebrow questioning my "appropriateness".) They simply can't see past my gender & would rather judge me than know me, and it hurts to be judged on their insecurities.
Thanks for this thread - definitely a relevant topic for me right now, even if I'm coming from the F&F side of the forums.
I absolutely agree that opposite sex friendships can cross boundaries when people aren't careful or in them for the right reasons to begin with, but there ARE times when it's perfectly appropriate. They've been friends for years & their friendship predates you knowing your husband at all? She's married, her husband knows of their friendship & they don't associate outside of working hours. Are you seeing red flags in their behavior in some way? Where is the threat? Is it simply that he refuses to allow you to meet/chat? That WOULD be irksome & make me wonder if there was more than he was admitting to. (& it's likely as simple as compartmentalizing relationships, which is common behavior for active alcoholics. He could be afraid that in getting to know her, you'll wind up knowing too much about him that he's not prepared for..... my husband was a master of this technique!...)
Me, I'd ask him - "How can you expect me to be more accepting of someone you won't even allow me to meet? If her friendship is that important in your life, that makes her an important person in mine." Do you know if she has ever expressed a desire to meet you?
We just found out that a very great, lifelong friend will be visiting us over Christmas & I've been a bit anxious thinking about meeting the new wife. Over all the years RAH was in active music projects most all of his bandmates had become my best friends & while I'm thrilled for them when they meet their partners, fall in love & get married; it's almost always the beginning of the end of our friendship for no good reason. It's really gotten to me over the last few years. I've been a great friend to all of them (we're talking a solid decade+ of friendship) & they have always treated me like their little sister & most of time the women see that closeness as a threat & work harder on dismissing me than accepting me. (Trust me, there is ZERO threat from me, I am super careful about boundaries after having so many male friends for so many years - but I can't make them see/believe that... even RAH shakes his head - he's been right here through all these years & never so much as raised an eyebrow questioning my "appropriateness".) They simply can't see past my gender & would rather judge me than know me, and it hurts to be judged on their insecurities.
Thanks for this thread - definitely a relevant topic for me right now, even if I'm coming from the F&F side of the forums.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
Cali, I have been reading these threads for 2 1/2 years now - since the day I joined SR. Every once in a while I happen upon a post like yours that compels me to comment.
You had a legitimate concern about your husband's behavior. You felt like drinking over it. You argued with him. He was less than understanding. You felt even more like drinking. And he was drinking. It sounds like you had a very bad day.
But you didn't drink. In the face of all of that - you didn't drink.
And that inspires me. I just thought you should know that. So, thank you. I wish you all the best.
You had a legitimate concern about your husband's behavior. You felt like drinking over it. You argued with him. He was less than understanding. You felt even more like drinking. And he was drinking. It sounds like you had a very bad day.
But you didn't drink. In the face of all of that - you didn't drink.
And that inspires me. I just thought you should know that. So, thank you. I wish you all the best.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Melbourne Beach, FL
Posts: 253
Thank you firsty! That means a lot to me. Your post inspires me to stay with it. It was a pretty bad day. If I can get through that sober, everything else should be a breeze....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Melbourne Beach, FL
Posts: 253
FireSprite, thank you sooo much for posting. Hearing from the woman on the opposite end of this kind of situation helps me tremendously. I would feel exponentially better if I could just meet her, but he says their friendship isn't like that and I'm making a big deal out of nothing. It's just a work friendship, even though the last email chain he showed me (which he offered without me asking), said one thing at the end. "Will you be around today? I'd love to see you." She's only in the building once a week. I thought it was inappropriate, but he thinks I'm overreacting.
Ok, this is supposed to be about sobriety, not my personal relationship. Sorry all, I will deal with this. Hugs to everyone and hope it's a sober weekend for everybody!
Ok, this is supposed to be about sobriety, not my personal relationship. Sorry all, I will deal with this. Hugs to everyone and hope it's a sober weekend for everybody!
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