Kallistia

I logged in yesterday and saw that it's been over a year since I said "that's it, I quit" - and you know. I really didn't. I didn't really want to. I realized I needed to but I didn't actually want to so that idea was quite superficial and short lived. Then I tried a few more times over the past year thinking, knowing I needed to quit, but not really wanting to. I'd rush into this brilliant idea of the new sober me, get a few good weeks under my belt and say "hey, I'm doing great! Let's drink!" It was just too easy, no money for alcohol? Well the alcoholic buddy is right down the road, what's a good excuse to drop in for a visit?

And then I'd come up with excuses to drink, every little emotional trigger didn't drive me to drinking, but it gave me enough fuel to justify it - and that it's okay tonight because I'll just stop again tomorrow - and one more night isn't going to hurt because there's tomorrow and that will be it. Then I looked in the mirror and thought jesus I look like hell, but one more night isn't going to make it any worse than it is now. A couple weeks later, look in the mirror, man I look awful...but one more night isn't going to make that big of a difference. I'd go into work so hung over and smelling so bad even after showering that I was at one point accused of drinking on the job (never have)...my boss even threatened to call my mother and tell how out of control it was getting!! (of course I didn't think it was noticeable...until those two conversations). I thought nothing of sneaking to the store in the middle of the night to buy just one more...with my young son alone and asleep in the house - hoping and praying none of the neighbors noticed I was walking out the door at midnight without him (and soothing myself with the excuse they'd have to prove I did not have company over and that he was in fact alone).

I'm not sure what clicked, a couple of weeks back some voice somewhere in my head said that it's time, it really is time. Not time to stop drinking, but time to heal. Those words, "it's time to heal". This time hasn't been prefaced by an embarrassing episode, an emotional outburst, no major event making me superficially say I'm going to quit out of humiliation and an attempt to repair a relationship I'd potentially damaged. It's just there - the knowledge that it's time.

I'm not going to say what day I'm on because I noticed in the past I counted days and gave myself deadlines - and when I hit a milestone I'd be so proud because look what I did! No, no actually I wasn't, it was "oh look, I met my own deadline, so it's okay to drink now". I have been however taking it very slow, very, very slowly, and focusing on the healing aspect. I'm normally balls-to-the-wall cramming 36 hours into each 24 but I've forced myself to slow down. I've also refused to allow the little things I used to give myself permission to turn up to have that affect. An incident happened and I called a friend - and vented and cried and repeatedly told her "this isn't going to be my excuse to drink! This isn't going to be an excuse".

So. I feel...I feel like I really am going to make it this time. Because it's time.

Dyl71

Bravo......You sound resolute in your goals.
Take one day at a time, and breathe.

You'll find it gets easier with time. Fill your empty time with fun hobbies and exercise.

Quitting drinking is also the best thing you can do for your son!
All the best, and welcome back!

Soberwolf

So good to meet you Kallistia

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html

Carver

Good for you! Stick around this time, it's a good place to help keep you sober now that you really want to

SoberLeigh

Welcome back, Kallista; you sound ready!!!!! glad that you are back.

Kallistia

The main thing now is just dealing with the shame of what I've put my son through - the days people would ask what was for dinner and I'd joke that he'd be lucky if I cooked that night and then laying in bed with a drink on the table telling him to get something out of the kitchen whenever he said was hungry...and him laying in bed one night crying because he was hungry...then getting hungry myself and looking in the fridge and realizing there was no food so of course he was hungry and that he'd just have to wait until lunch at school because there was nothing for breakfast either. How excited he was when I picked him up from his after school care with a grocery bags full of pop tarts, cereal, lunchables, snack cakes, juice etc (wondering how I was going to afford it the entire time I was shopping) because he'd gotten so used to grocery shopping being a rare event and the time I spent away from him working full-time and another part-time job to afford the alcohol instead of buying groceries. Selling plasma to afford alcohol (if one has never sold plasma, dehydration from alcohol makes it feel like they're trying to pull mud through a coffee stirrer) - all his failed spelling and reading tests because instead of helping him I'd be in bed playing on my phone drink in hand. The night I was drinking with a friend and kept sending him out of the room to her older son's room, unaware that her older son was sending him out of the room because he was watching a movie and wanted it to be quiet...not realizing he finally just sat down on the stairs by himself in the dark. Sleeping until 4 o'clock in the afternoon on weekends and letting him wander about the house entertaining himself because whenever he'd try to get me up I'd tell him to leave me alone because I was sleeping and to let me rest. I look at pictures of him from the past three years and wish more than anything that I could remember him opening those presents or giving him that kitten. I've missed so much of his life.

A lot of shame, but all I can do is own it. I can't undo it so I must live with it, but I can make it so that it's never like that again.

ZeldaFan

Welcome back Kallistia! I just came back after being absent for quite some time myself. Taking it much more seriously this time after seeing my doctor and finding additional support resources. Being back on SR is wonderful and I forgot how much I missed this community. Glad to have you back!

Anna

There is a lot of shame involved in alcoholism, especially for us mothers and it's really hard to deal with it. The best thing you can do right now, for yourself and your child, is to stop drinking today and don't look back. You can be the mother you want to be. We do understand how hard this is and we're here for you.

thomas11

What you said above was crucial for me. I was the same way, the hamster wheel going 100 mph all-the-time. It is perceived as boring at first, and maybe it is, but it changes. I'm sure others will agree. You sound resolute in your newly chosen path, I wish you the best.

PurpleKnight

Welcome back Kallistia!!

Kallistia

Thanks y'all I haven't told really anyone yet (but my friend who listened to me venting) because I worry about sounding like a broken record. How many times did I say I was going to quit drinking to so many people and didn't even really make the effort?

But I'm here now...so there's that.

Dee74

Welcome back

D

unitedguy

I do/did the same things, but I am a guy. Thanks for your comments!

jryan19982

Well I probably didnt pay the attention that was needed from my kids when I was drinking, and I think that it is hurt my relationship with m daughter, not even in kindergarten yet.

That was one of the wake up calls for me, is that I would just drink, watch tv, and be more involved with my phone or something other than them.

I hope being sober, you start to figure things out a little more, and spend some quality time with your son. I am sure he misses his "real" mom and just wants to hang out with you, take interest in what you are doing, and talk.

My daughter would ask me questions, and I would usually find the shortest answer so that she wouldnt ask anymore questions. I now realize that our time here on earth isnt infinite and at any time, we could all be gone, and the world as you know it could be turned upside down. So live each day like its your last, and dont leave yourself wishing you had done with or that with your family.