Tonight...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Maryland
Posts: 321
Tonight...
Its my friends 20th wedding anniversary tonight. They have invited a few friends to a restaurant and there will be alcohol. It will really be my 1st real test.
These people aren't "drunks". They will have one or two drinks. These are my "normal" drinking friends. But even with them, I'm a little nervous.....I'm actually looking forward to saying "I don't drink anymore". I have avoided these good people in my life for far too long. Even when drinking, I tended to stay away because I was far too embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty of the mess I had become from alcohol.
They way I did it before sober and I was still drinking...
1. Getting ready at home - the struggle.
I would've had 2 glasses of wine before leaving the house. Mainly to forget how I didn't want to go and waste all that time I could've had on my couch, drinking and smoking! (they don't smoke either so I hid that too). Also to quiet that voice that says "Surely they really don't care if I'm there, they probably don't even like me, why bother" (they did, but gave up inviting me to most things due to all my no-shows over the last few years).
2. The Arrival - And the Oscar goes to?
I walk in, primed up w/the 2 glasses of wine. ITS HER! The shiny, happy, everything is so freakin fantastic in my life" me! I'm giving the best performance of my life for the next two hours! Witty, funny, embellishing some stories so I sound "together". I almost believe myself too!
3. The departure - get out now!
After 2 hours, having drinks in between. It's time. At this point if I stay, it will all be downhill. I'll drink more, start slurring (and then some) and my gig is up. BUT, if I leave now....I leave with a little dignity and can continue my drinking and smoking at home. So usually, I leave at this time (most times I should say. Sometimes I don't get so lucky) Well, "THANK GOD I'm done with that!" I say in my head on the ride home. "I really don't need them anyway! I just don't understand what the big deal is about getting together with friends when its just one big PITA and gets in the way of my "alone time". It gets in the way of me being me! Why are they so needy!"
4. The next morning....
I'd hate myself. Hungover, sad and probably angry too because I'm such a fake. So much crap in my head about the night before. All that goes w/being a drunk. Nothing "bad" happened this time, except for the fact I have I hate my life and being around friends makes me realize that. I wish they'd just leave me alone. Actually I bet they invited me just to see what a loser I am and how much better they are then me.
WOW, typing all that really brings home how screwed up in the head alcohol makes me.
So, for tonight.....The sober me!
I'm going to the gym first. This restaurant is nice, but no real dress code. So my plan is to do sorta like a drive by. I will come in a bit late, with gym clothes on (another "excuse" to not stay long....not really dressed for it) Say hi to old friends and congrats to the beautiful couple, then be on my way! I certainly don't want to hang too long. I feel if I do, I run the risk of starting to get uncomfortable feelings, and the AV will pay a visit (tho I think he's stalking me now, hiding, waiting to pounce. I SEE YOU AV! F-OFF!) I have decided if they ask if I'd like a drink a simple "No thank you" will work. If they ask why, I will say "I don't drink anymore". If they want more info, I'm gonna tell them why. I honestly don't think they'll notice, but they may, since I've never not had a drink with them. Out of most people in my life, they would be supportive no matter what.
Wish me luck please - I'll report back!
These people aren't "drunks". They will have one or two drinks. These are my "normal" drinking friends. But even with them, I'm a little nervous.....I'm actually looking forward to saying "I don't drink anymore". I have avoided these good people in my life for far too long. Even when drinking, I tended to stay away because I was far too embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty of the mess I had become from alcohol.
They way I did it before sober and I was still drinking...
1. Getting ready at home - the struggle.
I would've had 2 glasses of wine before leaving the house. Mainly to forget how I didn't want to go and waste all that time I could've had on my couch, drinking and smoking! (they don't smoke either so I hid that too). Also to quiet that voice that says "Surely they really don't care if I'm there, they probably don't even like me, why bother" (they did, but gave up inviting me to most things due to all my no-shows over the last few years).
2. The Arrival - And the Oscar goes to?
I walk in, primed up w/the 2 glasses of wine. ITS HER! The shiny, happy, everything is so freakin fantastic in my life" me! I'm giving the best performance of my life for the next two hours! Witty, funny, embellishing some stories so I sound "together". I almost believe myself too!
3. The departure - get out now!
After 2 hours, having drinks in between. It's time. At this point if I stay, it will all be downhill. I'll drink more, start slurring (and then some) and my gig is up. BUT, if I leave now....I leave with a little dignity and can continue my drinking and smoking at home. So usually, I leave at this time (most times I should say. Sometimes I don't get so lucky) Well, "THANK GOD I'm done with that!" I say in my head on the ride home. "I really don't need them anyway! I just don't understand what the big deal is about getting together with friends when its just one big PITA and gets in the way of my "alone time". It gets in the way of me being me! Why are they so needy!"
4. The next morning....
I'd hate myself. Hungover, sad and probably angry too because I'm such a fake. So much crap in my head about the night before. All that goes w/being a drunk. Nothing "bad" happened this time, except for the fact I have I hate my life and being around friends makes me realize that. I wish they'd just leave me alone. Actually I bet they invited me just to see what a loser I am and how much better they are then me.
WOW, typing all that really brings home how screwed up in the head alcohol makes me.
So, for tonight.....The sober me!
I'm going to the gym first. This restaurant is nice, but no real dress code. So my plan is to do sorta like a drive by. I will come in a bit late, with gym clothes on (another "excuse" to not stay long....not really dressed for it) Say hi to old friends and congrats to the beautiful couple, then be on my way! I certainly don't want to hang too long. I feel if I do, I run the risk of starting to get uncomfortable feelings, and the AV will pay a visit (tho I think he's stalking me now, hiding, waiting to pounce. I SEE YOU AV! F-OFF!) I have decided if they ask if I'd like a drink a simple "No thank you" will work. If they ask why, I will say "I don't drink anymore". If they want more info, I'm gonna tell them why. I honestly don't think they'll notice, but they may, since I've never not had a drink with them. Out of most people in my life, they would be supportive no matter what.
Wish me luck please - I'll report back!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
you can do this!!! and it will feel INCREDIBLE when you arrive home having had a wonderful, meaningful, rewarding time with your friends and family and done so while honoring your sobriety.
I have been through those situations, too... and sometimes it wasn't easy, but a few things really helped;
1 - while preparing, while heading there, while at the event - reminding myself of the most important reasons I chose sobriety. The good, the bad, the fundamental.
2 - going there with a visualized outcome.... actually seeing myself order a Pellegrino (this is my go-to... it feels fancy and special and if I do it right off the bat, I'm on the offensive - add a lemon or lime twist for an added touch), seeing myself laugh and smile and have fun, seeing myself pass the wine bottle to someone who needs it but not taking any, seeing myself say "no thank you, I'm not drinking" or "no thanks, I don't drink". Seeing myself say to anyone who inquires "I've reached a point in my life where alcohol no longer fits with the way I want my life to be". Seeing myself feel a little uneasy or even a little jealous and then saying to myself "let it go, sobriety is filled with richness and this one thing - drinking - just isn't for you. There are a million other joys to life. And drinking for you really isn't one". Seeing myself heading home with memories, and real connection and love in my heart.
3 - Being proactive - telling one or two people who will be there, on the side, about the fact I no longer drink. Just knowing that the 'audience' of peers is already seeded with allies helps me a little....
4 - Having a 'standard' answer if anyone does inquire about why I'm not drinking. One that I feel fully comfortable with and can honestly and sincerely rattle off.
5 - Having a 'prepared' response to the waiter when asked what I'd like to drink... "Pellegrino with a lime please!" - leaving no room for even the briefest moment of hesitation for old habits to kick in.
6 - having a 'backup response' - if I'm cornered by my AV and really feeling the pressure, being able to say to myself "Hey... maybe later. But not tonight. RIGHT NOW, you're going to stick with sobriety, you can certainly do that for one event, for just a few hours!".
7 - haveing a backup plan - if all else fails, having a bailout. Telling my significant other that if I find myself really jonesin' for a drink, I may call it off early.... and asking for support in that end, or at least for understanding if I need to call things off and head home.
You can do this and it will be a milestone for you that will stand out in many ways, and will become a significant rock in your foundation of recovery....
go get it!
and have a wonderful time.
I have been through those situations, too... and sometimes it wasn't easy, but a few things really helped;
1 - while preparing, while heading there, while at the event - reminding myself of the most important reasons I chose sobriety. The good, the bad, the fundamental.
2 - going there with a visualized outcome.... actually seeing myself order a Pellegrino (this is my go-to... it feels fancy and special and if I do it right off the bat, I'm on the offensive - add a lemon or lime twist for an added touch), seeing myself laugh and smile and have fun, seeing myself pass the wine bottle to someone who needs it but not taking any, seeing myself say "no thank you, I'm not drinking" or "no thanks, I don't drink". Seeing myself say to anyone who inquires "I've reached a point in my life where alcohol no longer fits with the way I want my life to be". Seeing myself feel a little uneasy or even a little jealous and then saying to myself "let it go, sobriety is filled with richness and this one thing - drinking - just isn't for you. There are a million other joys to life. And drinking for you really isn't one". Seeing myself heading home with memories, and real connection and love in my heart.
3 - Being proactive - telling one or two people who will be there, on the side, about the fact I no longer drink. Just knowing that the 'audience' of peers is already seeded with allies helps me a little....
4 - Having a 'standard' answer if anyone does inquire about why I'm not drinking. One that I feel fully comfortable with and can honestly and sincerely rattle off.
5 - Having a 'prepared' response to the waiter when asked what I'd like to drink... "Pellegrino with a lime please!" - leaving no room for even the briefest moment of hesitation for old habits to kick in.
6 - having a 'backup response' - if I'm cornered by my AV and really feeling the pressure, being able to say to myself "Hey... maybe later. But not tonight. RIGHT NOW, you're going to stick with sobriety, you can certainly do that for one event, for just a few hours!".
7 - haveing a backup plan - if all else fails, having a bailout. Telling my significant other that if I find myself really jonesin' for a drink, I may call it off early.... and asking for support in that end, or at least for understanding if I need to call things off and head home.
You can do this and it will be a milestone for you that will stand out in many ways, and will become a significant rock in your foundation of recovery....
go get it!
and have a wonderful time.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Best of luck. Sounds like you have a good plan in place. Remember that you are going to a restaurant, not a bar. And as you mention, since they are not really drinkers themselves they will most likely not even notice that you order a soft drink or something else.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Oh my goodness did that post take me back. To the tee you just showcased my thirties. But add in a raging inferiority complex and crippling social anxiety and we could have been twins.
Thank you for this. So much.
Thank you for this. So much.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: London, England
Posts: 26
InThe End...
Reminds me of a disastrous evening last week during my last relapse...
Bumped into an old friend who passed on my number to an even older and once closer friend.
He rang me a day or so later, him and a group of old mates were in a close by pub and invited me.
I drank probably near enough 2 bottles of wine before getting cab to pub...
All smiling (took the OSCAR).....
Can't remember the end of evening, I know I told my oldest friend about my alcoholism whilst completely s***f***d, and haven't heard from any of them since. The regret next morning just made me pick up again...
That was a week ago...
Been sober 2 days now...
Thanks for your post��
Reminds me of a disastrous evening last week during my last relapse...
Bumped into an old friend who passed on my number to an even older and once closer friend.
He rang me a day or so later, him and a group of old mates were in a close by pub and invited me.
I drank probably near enough 2 bottles of wine before getting cab to pub...
All smiling (took the OSCAR).....
Can't remember the end of evening, I know I told my oldest friend about my alcoholism whilst completely s***f***d, and haven't heard from any of them since. The regret next morning just made me pick up again...
That was a week ago...
Been sober 2 days now...
Thanks for your post��
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Maryland
Posts: 321
Well............I DID IT! Not one drop! I actually stayed for 2 hours, had some appetizers with everyone and great conversation and laughs! Everyone had either beer or wine and when the server asked me? "Just water please".....I waited but there was not a word about it from anyone. And I realized at that moment it would be okay. My worries went away and I enjoyed every minute of it.
Leaving the restaurant and when I got in my car, I had to sit there for a minute. I thought "Did that really happen? Did I really not drink? Am I sure I didn't drink? Yes, you didn't drink! You had fun!"
The entire drive home, I had a smile on my face....then a little teary eyed. Realizing that I might just be okay. Realizing I am still me, I have a personality, I can have fun without the alcohol. It was really quite overwhelming.
I want to live, to feel my feelings, and then actually remember the living and feeling.....no more living in blurs and blackouts.
Just gotta keep my eye on the prize!
Thanks for all the encouragement!
Leaving the restaurant and when I got in my car, I had to sit there for a minute. I thought "Did that really happen? Did I really not drink? Am I sure I didn't drink? Yes, you didn't drink! You had fun!"
The entire drive home, I had a smile on my face....then a little teary eyed. Realizing that I might just be okay. Realizing I am still me, I have a personality, I can have fun without the alcohol. It was really quite overwhelming.
I want to live, to feel my feelings, and then actually remember the living and feeling.....no more living in blurs and blackouts.
Just gotta keep my eye on the prize!
Thanks for all the encouragement!
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