Originally Posted by Heartfan82

My last hangover was on March 23rd, 2013...
I had come to a point where I didn't even get a warm, fuzzy feeling from drinking anymore. I'd drink til I passed out, chasing that ever fleeting happy, contented coziness I once felt, in the early years of drinking alcohol. I tried different kinds, switched to wine for a while, then back to the mixed drinks with rum-- loads of rum--I would drink more than anyone I knew, and still couldn't feel that happy, euphoric thing...

I was tired of being sick pretty much every day, aka "hungover". Working while hungover was getting brutal, and I was ashamed. I started hiding from the world, in my own little world, in a constant haze (which makes the process of living seem so much more monumental).

We all have our own life stories; reasons, excuses why we began depending on our substance of choice, just to get through it...
There's too much to write for my own story here, but a couple of major events sent me over the edge, and I "checked out" with my trusty old stand-by at the end of the day, and all weekend long, for years....many, many years....

My soul-mate, best friend, husband and father of our children--yes, all that in one guy--passed away unexpectedly, after a horrible situation and month long stay in the hospital, at the age of 33. He had been in a coma, so there were no good-byes said between us, and I was alone to raise our two boys. I drank myself into a stupor that night, and you can guess how the next day went....and the next, and so on, etc., until a few years ago...

When I decided I was so tired of being held down, sinking lower and lower into guilt, shame, denial, hopelessness, anxiety about EVERYTHING, I said to myself, "Come on! Let's stop this merry-go-round for a while, and just see how the other side can be, it's got to be better over there, in sober land!" I started researching online about other people in similar situations...in other words: "alcoholics"....

I found this website, SoberRecovery, and started reading posts on these forums. I saw myself in so many stories here! And I saw real, down to earth people, sincerely helping out fellow alcoholics with advice, counseling, encouragement, compassion, etc......it was a life-changing day for me! I found the greatest gift I'd ever received, almost like a higher power led me right to it in my darkest hour!

I have not taken a drink of alcohol since that day. It has not been easy, especially the first 6 months or so, a kaleidoscope of feelings washing over me at any given time, day or night....doing anything I could to shake that craving, soaking lots of pillows with my tears...and all the while, checking in whenever I needed reassurance, here at the SR headquarters.

During this period of sobriety, my oldest son, who is paranoid schizophrenic, attempted suicide by drinking anti-freeze. I took him to the hospital, got him admitted to the psych-ward yet again, visited him every day, sometimes twice a day, for 28 days, until he was stabilized and able to come home....and still, I did not drink, though my instinct every night was to stop and buy a bottle on the way home from seeing him in there. My strength and resolve grew stronger day by day, with the help of SR!

I also read a great book called Rational Recovery, by Jack Trimpey, that helped answer lots of questions I had about AVRT, and how to deal with the 'beast' of addiction. What it all comes down to, is that I had to decide that alcohol is the enemy of ME, and I have to avoid it at all costs. It's not easy, but it is do-able, and it DOES get easier the longer I go...there are days now that I don't even think about drinking, at all! I am surprised, but ecstatic about that!

Life is definitely better now. I have freedom in so many areas of my life, I'm amazed every day. I feel so ALIVE, can actually feel myself think, I'm acutely aware of all my senses, I missed that for so many years. Life smells better, tastes better, sounds beautiful....the sun shines brighter, the hugs from my boys are tighter, I can feel their hearts beating, and I've never smiled or laughed so much in my life!!
My son is doing great, taking his meds, going to counseling, and being the sweet, smart, funny kid he used to be....we've had such an awesome year, I can hardly believe it! Do I sound happy now?!

One of the most special differences between then and now, is that I am able to drive anywhere, anytime, at night, middle of the night if I want to! That is freedom to me, and I savor it, and I will continue to fight for it. And with that, I'm off to the store, to buy myself a cake, to celebrate this special occasion.

Thanks to all of you here at SR. You don't know what you mean to me, and how you've saved me from the hell I was in before...There are some angels on these forums, I'm sure of it....

Best wishes to all on your sober journeys,
Peace,
~Heartfan

(2 yrs., 6 months of freedom!)

Originally Posted by Heartfan82

My boys (who are men now) say that I'm goofier, funnier, and look years younger than I did while drinking. They say they enjoy hanging out with me a lot more now, and I actually remember what we talked about the next day!

You can do it!
Peace,
~Heartfan

Originally Posted by Heartfan82

You can do it!