keeppushing

As some of you know I've been working at sobriety for some time. Sometimes I manage a few weeks, sometimes day 1 seems impossible.

One issue that I have is that my wife drinks. She is supportive of me but clearly she has her own issues with alcohol. This complicates my requests for support because if I ask her to abstain so that I don't trigger, and she does abstain, missing a party in the process and then the day after I relapse she gets understandably frustrated.

On the other hand, if I don't request support then she might have a few drinks with friends away from me (out of consideration) but after she's had a few she might invite a friend back to the house to continue. When she's sober she knows that's a bad idea but we all know what happens to our intentions after that first drink. Last night was such a night after I had reached day 2. I managed to get through it by going to a different room, but the laughter and conversation were hard to deal with. Thankfully I stuck it out.

We've talked about it and our joke answer is that we need to separate for 6 months. I keep swinging between feeling guilty and feeling resentful.

I would appreciate your experience/ideas on how to think about this. Do I tell her that I need her to abstain? Seems selfish. Do I tell her that her getting upset at abstaining only to have me relapse after a few days should be a warning sign for her? Too preachy and counter-productive. Tell her that if she loves me then she would do this? Seems manipulative.

All thoughts welcome.

KP

Anna

I understand that, if your wife drinks, it could be harder for you to stop drinking. However, I think you need to take the focus off your wife and her drinking, and keep it on yourself. It would be nice to have your wife's support, but you don't need it. If she brings friends around for a drink after she's been out drinking, can you try to avoid the party sounds? Maybe put on a movie or listen to music through headphones? You can do this.

dwtbd

Anna said it best.

Pondlady

I asked my husband if he'd refrain from drinking till I got "over the hump". He agreed, and we've neither had a drink in over 3 years. He said it wasn't that important to him.

Try to make some plans for things you can do when the party sounds bother you.

keeppushing

Anna, thank you for reminding me that I am responsible for myself.

KP

MythOfSisyphus

You are responsible for yourself, that's true. But I think you need to have a talk with your wife in a neutral setting and explain how difficult it is to stay sober. It would be better if you were a team on this.

FreeOwl

Anna's got it.

Maybe even be prepared to go elsewhere if drinking comes home and you need to not be around it.

I'm grateful my fiancée rarely drinks and when she does it's just one beer or one glass of wine here or there. I wouldn't want to be around a regular drinker. If it were me I'd explain my feelings to her.... My needS.... My reality of struggle to get sober. But I'd also have a plan to care for myself. Including getting out and staying elsewhere if it came to that.

Oh you're bringing a party home? Cool... Well I'm gogoing by campaign by tonight. Bug out bag at the ready.

MIRecovery

I would simply tell your wife. If there is alcohol in the house I won't be. If it happens calmly get up and leave with no drama

OpenTuning

It would be great if your wife also stopped drinking, but think about it. You know how hard you're finding it to quit, and you have accepted you have a drinking problem and are desperate to stop. How can you expect your wife to find it easy to quit to help you when she doesn't believe she has a problem and doesn't want to stop? Imagine if the situation was reversed? How resentful would you have felt before you made your decision if your wife started pressuring you to quit because of a problem she had?

My wife still drinks. Not a lot, but a glass, sometimes two of wine in the evening. Sure, I'd like her to stop because I don't think it helps her to relax like she thinks it does. I notice her mood can turn a bit darker (if other things are stressing her). But it has no impact on my decision to be sober, or my ability to be sober. Think of it as just another extension of your AV that you need to identify and ignore. If it isn't your wife drinking near you, it'll be one of your friends, or a relative coming to visit, or whatever. All you can do is come up with a plan for when it happens, so it doesn't have an impact on you.

Soberwolf

Anna's post says it

NestWasEmpty

This is a tough one either way . If it was me in your shoes - I wouldn't want to get out of bed or my house if she decides she wants to continue the party . I think she should go to a friends house with her party & stay with them .. I'm sorry - I couldn't deal with that even with 2 years sober . No she doesn't have to give up her drinking times , but she shouldn't flaunt it around you either .
Sorry to be blunt , but that's my thoughts . Wish you some kind of peace on this situation

MrSmith

I think it is kind of crazy that your wife would bring the drinking home. It is not being at all thoughtful, however, if the shoe was on the other foot, and I was the social drinker, I wouldn't really understand what an alky goes through when trying to get sober. Think about it, I think it would be hard to explain to them what white knuckling through a craving is like in terms they would understand.

Having said all that, I agree with Anna, all that we can control is ourselves, make a plan for what to do when this happens again.

I am on day 16, and I could never handle them drinking in the other room. It would be relapse time if that happened, and I just can't start down that road again. Good luck....

Tracy999

I agree with Anna and Nestwasempty.

You are responsible for your own sobriety and need to make a plan to deal with your surroundings, whatever they may be.

However, I think your wife is being extremely inconsiderate to "bring the party home". Having a glass of wine or three at home, no problem. It is her house too. But to bring friends over to continue a drinking party night knowing you're home struggling not to drink? Yikes. But alcohol makes us do stupid things, doesn't it? Sigh.

My husband drinks but he does not keep alcohol in the house. He will buy what he intends to consume at a given time. He will enjoy it in his "man cave" or go to a friends house. If we go out he might have a beer with dinner but not get wasted. These are not things I have asked him to do. These are things he realized he should do out of respect for me, my space, and my sobriety.

Can you talk to her about a compromise? Yes, she has a right to keep drinking just as you have a right to abstain. But I don't think it is demanding, preachy or anything else to sit down and discuss a compromise for how you can both live peaceably with your respective life choices. It sounds like bringing the party home is the hardest for you to deal with so maybe talk about how hard that is for you and see if they can take the party to someone else's house going forward?

Tracy999

Basically treat it like any other conflict created when people live together. What if she liked to listen to the TV blaring at 3am but you go to bed at 10pm because you have to work in the morning?

The compromise would likely be I don't care if you watch TV at 3am but please turn it down. You're doing the same thing with the drinking. I don't care if you drink but please don't bring a party home. Not unreasonable at all IMO.

CaliButterfly

KP, this IS a tough situation, one that I am currently living through as well. I am on day 15, and my new husband is an alcoholic that has drank bourbon daily for the last 20+ years. He's a happy, sleepy one, so he's easy to deal with, and he doesn't socialize and then bring it home. However, I see him drink every night from the time we get home until shortly before bed. The first few days were easy because I was SO done with my hangovers, blackouts, shaking, etc etc etc that I just didn't care what he chose. The next 4 days or so were extremely difficult and I had to remind myself that I'm doing this for me and not to concern myself with his addiction. I must admit although he still drinks in front of me, he is very supportive of my choice. I will not ask him to stop or abstain one night for my sake. In order for me to be successful, I need to be committed and in control of my AV, not the other way around. Simple as that. I can't impose my sobriety on others or expect them to change their habits for me. Your wife needs to address her alcohol issues on her own terms, in her own time. I can understand her frustration for abstaining and then you drinking the following day, which indicates to me that she has a problem with it as well, but that's her own demon to conquer. Anna's advice is sound - focus on yourself. Aside from that, there is a glaring question that I have to ask. And forgive me for being blunt. What's with the half-a$$ed attempt at sobriety to begin with? Have you looked into AA, AVRT, SMART, or other recovery programs to help be successful long-term? Do you want to be? Or do you want to get to a place where you can be a "normal" social drinker again? Moderate? What do you want for your future?

Fly N Buy

Growing up my parents had issues with alcohol. My father quit, mom never did and died young of pancreatic cancer with direct causal link to smoking and drinking. 63 years old. Dad lived till late 70's.

Based on that experience I witnessed one getting sober while his mate chose to continuing drinking, never admitting a problem. Perhaps his example slowed her down some, maybe not. I grew up and moved on with my life.

My wife doesn't drink at all, so I can't speak for being in the situation myself - just hearing other share and seeing my parents.

Deal with your side of the street - we can't control anyone else. However, drinking to excess in your home with "bar friends" she invites over would be crossing a boundary for me I believe.

Work on you and don't blame others for your drinking. No one held me down and poured liquor down my throat.

I was a volunteer and not a victim...........

Ruby2

When I finally quit, the last time, my husband was drinking. He's an alcoholic too. And he was starting to bring the party home. Sitting in the basement with his drinking buddy. It was hard for me to stop. There would be days when my resolve was sorely tested. I'd be standing by my back gate, keys in hand, to go the the liquor store. I'd remember how awful I'd feel if I drank. I got angry with my husband and myself. But I wouldn't drink.

You absolutely can quit while your wife is still drinking. You have to do it for you. Say no, no matter what. Get out of the house for support in real life. Find a safe place to be, even for an hour. I started attending AA meetings again. Ramped up my time on SR. Got out of the house with the kids. Got so busy with life that I didn't have time to drink. And kept it up.

I wish I could report a happy ever after, with husband quitting. He did for a good ten months and relapsed again, almost a year ago. He's struggling to string days again.

But I've been sober since December 1, 2013. Buckle down. It's all about you and your journey.

Soberween

I finally got the sobriety thing down once my husband quit drinking as well. He is not even remotely an alcoholic, but would have occasional drinks in the right atmosphere when I originally decided to quit drinking. I relapsed a few times. Once he quit, it made it so much easier. You do need to add other recovery tools to your plan though. I firmly believe you cannot get sober on just willpower alone.

KeyofC

Keeppushing,
My husband drinks. I have to remind myself all the time that I am not in charge of taking care of his inventory. Does he have a problem with it? Yes I think so, but until he is ready to do something about it, I will be creating problems for myself making requests he isn't ready for. I have had the talk with him and have had to lay boundaries with how comfortable he can get drinking around me. We have been in social situations where I have had to keep my distance from him (of course letting him know I am feeling vulnerable as to not add even more fuel to the fire). Sometimes it grips me and I have to protect my sobriety because to me it is my daily upmost priority for myself.
Just more insight adding to the already spoken words of wisdom here.

Anna and Ruby is right on in those posts too...indeed I agree!

keeppushing

Cali, thanks for the thoughtful response. Very helpful. As for the bit quoted above, it's not the attempt being half a$$ed so much as the results haven't held. I do not believe in moderation, my aim is lifelong sobriety. My plan is based around SMART as I have had tremendous success with CBT in other parts of my life. I don't know why I haven't managed sobriety yet, but I've learned to be optimistic and see the cup as half full with 40% days abstinence in the last 3 months up from less than 5% for the 3 years before that, which is as long as my counting goes but I'm pretty sure that in the 25 years of drinking I haven't abstained more than 5% of the time. This allows me to pick myself up after every lapse, try to learn from what happened and then try again.

Again, thanks for the thoughts on my wife, insightful.

KP