This is ridiculous
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 73
This is ridiculous
I find this entire situation ridiculous. Drink, drink and more drink. I've even gone over that line of drinking a few times a week to drinking almost every night. I have work tomorrow, and I imagine I'll be ill again.
I have not had a satisfactory bowel movement in who knows how long. Gross I know, but hiding the nasty parts of this condition doesnt make them go away.
What I find hardest to fathom is this compulsion. I don't have withdrawals where I need booze to steady myself. I drink because I am bored. I drink because I am depressed. I drink because I like it. I drink because. I drink because...
I drink because.
The weirdest thing is almost the cognitive dissonance at play. I can't drink if I dont have booze. Getting drunk requires work, requires effort. In order to do so a certain chain of events have to occur.
I have to get dressed. Spending much of my time in a dressing gown means full dressing. I then have to go out, walk to the shops, buy booze, come back, begin drinking. Continue.
I understand why people look at those of us with a problem (I still can't use the A word) and think its something we should be able to just stop. I mean, if I don't put trousers on this entire cycle cannot begin. So clearly, it is trousers that are the enemy here. Maybe I should ask my housemate to hide my trousers.
And all the way to the shop the rational, sensible part of my brain is begging me not to buy alcohol. I am almost having full internal monologue/ duologue about buying it. Almost screaming at my self yet my body is on autopilot, like it wont respond to my demands. The part of my brain that needs the booze is in control. And its an *******. All the way back from the shops I am telling myself "okay, you have booze. But you don't need to drink it tonight" and for a moment I almost convince myself it is going to sit in the fridge for the night but it rarely happens. On those nights it does happen and I do manage to put it away in the fridge, well the next night I am deserving of a reward.
And thats the other thing, isn't it. There is ALWAYS a reason to drink. Always a way to justify it, to allow it, to make it seem normal.
I fail an essay at Uni- better drink to commiserate.
I pass an essay at Uni- well this calls for a celebration.
I almost enjoy bad things happening because that allows me to justify it to others that my drinking is warranted.
And all the time there is this voice, rubbing its non existent hands together in glee because it gets a buzz for another night. And I always try to say "I'll have a drink and play a game or watch a movie" but it always ends the same- sat in front of the computer binge watching The Angry Video Game Nerd. And for a while, a few hours its pleasant. Its nice. Its almost fun.
Sitting there, headphones blasting, smoking my 30th cigarette like smoking is about to be banned and for a moment I enjoy it. The booze has hit that part of the brain that ties in with pleasure. Drinking Strongbow cider, not because i like the taste. I have yet to find an alcohol I actually like the taste of. It is better to describe it as the taste I dislike least.
But soon enough the meloncholy hits and I'm in a never ending Youtube spiral of childrens television tunes and as the extended version of The Raggy Dolls plays for the fifth time in a row I go from simply meloncholy to full on miserable. Sad, depressed, remorseful.
I am a danger to myself. I have recently learnt a new magic trick that involves hammering a nail into your nose, a perfectly safe and shocking illusion if you are sober and a trained expert. I am the latter, so I have actually given my nails to my housemate to hide so as to avoid serious injury because I would practice when drunk.
The next day, well the day is ruined. I am sore and in pain. I am nauseous and bits of me ache that as a 30 something shouldn't ache and I hide under the covers in a mix of shame and fear. But then, because I know what to drink to save me a real blinder of a hangover, by lunch time I am fit as a fiddle and ready to fly. Its like I havent drunk at all which means, great, yes, fantastic, I can drink again tonight.
But heres the darker dirtier secret. I am killing myself. Slowly, surely and yet despite knowing this I carry on. Its put to the back of my mind because death is what happens to other people.
I don't know what this rambled journey you've just read is meant to convey. I'm just in the frame of mind where writing seemed a good thing to do, where bearing my soul no matter how minutely is cathartic. I'm going to be drunk in a short while. I am going to regret it tomorrow when work comes around.
But I am in the grips of a demonic force to rival the most cruel invention of religion. Poeple think the most dangerous religious figure is the Devil. He is not. It is Bachus. A God of Greek origin whose entire philosophy is one of drink and excess. He is celebrated and worshiped in the plays of Euripides and he is celebrated by society. And that adds further to my strife.
We live in a world that encourages and celebrates alcoholic excess, with nightclubs and bars promoting all manner of drinks. How can a pint of alcohol be sold for £1.50? When you even consider not drinking it is almost as if you are facing a world that is telling you that in one instant you are weak for being an addict but in the same breath telling you that you are weird and not normal for stopping. An odd dichotomy where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Other than catharsis, I am not sure what this now growing epic is meant to put across. Only that I needed to write, and so I wrote. And now I raise a hypocritical can of cider to my successful spelling out of my dilemma. Because what better way to congratulate my honesty than with a drink.
This is all so ridiculous. And would be funny too were it not for my slow suicide.
I have not had a satisfactory bowel movement in who knows how long. Gross I know, but hiding the nasty parts of this condition doesnt make them go away.
What I find hardest to fathom is this compulsion. I don't have withdrawals where I need booze to steady myself. I drink because I am bored. I drink because I am depressed. I drink because I like it. I drink because. I drink because...
I drink because.
The weirdest thing is almost the cognitive dissonance at play. I can't drink if I dont have booze. Getting drunk requires work, requires effort. In order to do so a certain chain of events have to occur.
I have to get dressed. Spending much of my time in a dressing gown means full dressing. I then have to go out, walk to the shops, buy booze, come back, begin drinking. Continue.
I understand why people look at those of us with a problem (I still can't use the A word) and think its something we should be able to just stop. I mean, if I don't put trousers on this entire cycle cannot begin. So clearly, it is trousers that are the enemy here. Maybe I should ask my housemate to hide my trousers.
And all the way to the shop the rational, sensible part of my brain is begging me not to buy alcohol. I am almost having full internal monologue/ duologue about buying it. Almost screaming at my self yet my body is on autopilot, like it wont respond to my demands. The part of my brain that needs the booze is in control. And its an *******. All the way back from the shops I am telling myself "okay, you have booze. But you don't need to drink it tonight" and for a moment I almost convince myself it is going to sit in the fridge for the night but it rarely happens. On those nights it does happen and I do manage to put it away in the fridge, well the next night I am deserving of a reward.
And thats the other thing, isn't it. There is ALWAYS a reason to drink. Always a way to justify it, to allow it, to make it seem normal.
I fail an essay at Uni- better drink to commiserate.
I pass an essay at Uni- well this calls for a celebration.
I almost enjoy bad things happening because that allows me to justify it to others that my drinking is warranted.
And all the time there is this voice, rubbing its non existent hands together in glee because it gets a buzz for another night. And I always try to say "I'll have a drink and play a game or watch a movie" but it always ends the same- sat in front of the computer binge watching The Angry Video Game Nerd. And for a while, a few hours its pleasant. Its nice. Its almost fun.
Sitting there, headphones blasting, smoking my 30th cigarette like smoking is about to be banned and for a moment I enjoy it. The booze has hit that part of the brain that ties in with pleasure. Drinking Strongbow cider, not because i like the taste. I have yet to find an alcohol I actually like the taste of. It is better to describe it as the taste I dislike least.
But soon enough the meloncholy hits and I'm in a never ending Youtube spiral of childrens television tunes and as the extended version of The Raggy Dolls plays for the fifth time in a row I go from simply meloncholy to full on miserable. Sad, depressed, remorseful.
I am a danger to myself. I have recently learnt a new magic trick that involves hammering a nail into your nose, a perfectly safe and shocking illusion if you are sober and a trained expert. I am the latter, so I have actually given my nails to my housemate to hide so as to avoid serious injury because I would practice when drunk.
The next day, well the day is ruined. I am sore and in pain. I am nauseous and bits of me ache that as a 30 something shouldn't ache and I hide under the covers in a mix of shame and fear. But then, because I know what to drink to save me a real blinder of a hangover, by lunch time I am fit as a fiddle and ready to fly. Its like I havent drunk at all which means, great, yes, fantastic, I can drink again tonight.
But heres the darker dirtier secret. I am killing myself. Slowly, surely and yet despite knowing this I carry on. Its put to the back of my mind because death is what happens to other people.
I don't know what this rambled journey you've just read is meant to convey. I'm just in the frame of mind where writing seemed a good thing to do, where bearing my soul no matter how minutely is cathartic. I'm going to be drunk in a short while. I am going to regret it tomorrow when work comes around.
But I am in the grips of a demonic force to rival the most cruel invention of religion. Poeple think the most dangerous religious figure is the Devil. He is not. It is Bachus. A God of Greek origin whose entire philosophy is one of drink and excess. He is celebrated and worshiped in the plays of Euripides and he is celebrated by society. And that adds further to my strife.
We live in a world that encourages and celebrates alcoholic excess, with nightclubs and bars promoting all manner of drinks. How can a pint of alcohol be sold for £1.50? When you even consider not drinking it is almost as if you are facing a world that is telling you that in one instant you are weak for being an addict but in the same breath telling you that you are weird and not normal for stopping. An odd dichotomy where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Other than catharsis, I am not sure what this now growing epic is meant to put across. Only that I needed to write, and so I wrote. And now I raise a hypocritical can of cider to my successful spelling out of my dilemma. Because what better way to congratulate my honesty than with a drink.
This is all so ridiculous. And would be funny too were it not for my slow suicide.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Welcome
So the big question is what are you going to do about the dilemma you have created? One thing is for certain you will not out think alcoholism
There is lots of help and support here but making an irreversible decision to quit the insanity once and for all is a great place to start
So the big question is what are you going to do about the dilemma you have created? One thing is for certain you will not out think alcoholism
There is lots of help and support here but making an irreversible decision to quit the insanity once and for all is a great place to start
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Hi Drama.
Did you want to quit? Is that why you're here? You'll find plenty of support here, we are glad to have you.
You'll find people from all over the spectrum here, regarding personalities, intelligence, talents, incomes, quirks, well, name it, SR has it.
We do tend to pursue sobriety. Do some reading here, there are voices from all over. I hope something grabs you and you stay awhile and see what it's like to try and be dry.
Personally I hate it but that slow suicide you mentioned is the alternative, the twist being at the end it's not always so slow.
This is a good time to grab the moment and put a stop to the A word.
You'll have plenty of company!
Did you want to quit? Is that why you're here? You'll find plenty of support here, we are glad to have you.
You'll find people from all over the spectrum here, regarding personalities, intelligence, talents, incomes, quirks, well, name it, SR has it.
We do tend to pursue sobriety. Do some reading here, there are voices from all over. I hope something grabs you and you stay awhile and see what it's like to try and be dry.
Personally I hate it but that slow suicide you mentioned is the alternative, the twist being at the end it's not always so slow.
This is a good time to grab the moment and put a stop to the A word.
You'll have plenty of company!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: southern Oregon
Posts: 365
One thing I've noticed while reading posts on this forum for a few years, is how so alike we all are! It's mind boggling, how you just described so many nights and days for so many of us here, who have been battling this same demon....
It is true and appalling that society is forever sending out mixed messages concerning alcohol. On the one hand, it seems customary to celebrate nearly EVERY occasion or minor event with some sort of special drink. On the other hand, we ridicule and gossip about those who can't hold their liquor, who are the "drunks", the "bums", who cause all sorts of troubles for the rest of the people....
I hope you will find solace in knowing that as many of us have felt all the feelings you have shared here, many of us have also come to a place of living in sobriety. There IS hope that you can beat that demon right on its mangy head, and rise up to meet your true self! I can tell you from experience that depression, anxiety, and melancholy can be products of the very thing you use to medicate these symptoms: alcohol! It's a vicious cycle. I sincerely did not realize my anxiety was caused by drinking, until I was sober for a few months, and it gradually went to the wayside.
I would like to suggest reading an excellent book on this subject, that has been the foundation of my sobriety. It may work for you, or at least give you some insight into some ways you can speak to yourself while you are battling this beast.
It's called: "Rational Recovery, the new cure for substance addiction"
by Jack Trimpey
I wish you all the best, and remember: You are not alone!
Keep reading posts here, and you will find links to information that can change your outlook, and give you strength,
Peace,
~Heartfan
It is true and appalling that society is forever sending out mixed messages concerning alcohol. On the one hand, it seems customary to celebrate nearly EVERY occasion or minor event with some sort of special drink. On the other hand, we ridicule and gossip about those who can't hold their liquor, who are the "drunks", the "bums", who cause all sorts of troubles for the rest of the people....
I hope you will find solace in knowing that as many of us have felt all the feelings you have shared here, many of us have also come to a place of living in sobriety. There IS hope that you can beat that demon right on its mangy head, and rise up to meet your true self! I can tell you from experience that depression, anxiety, and melancholy can be products of the very thing you use to medicate these symptoms: alcohol! It's a vicious cycle. I sincerely did not realize my anxiety was caused by drinking, until I was sober for a few months, and it gradually went to the wayside.
I would like to suggest reading an excellent book on this subject, that has been the foundation of my sobriety. It may work for you, or at least give you some insight into some ways you can speak to yourself while you are battling this beast.
It's called: "Rational Recovery, the new cure for substance addiction"
by Jack Trimpey
I wish you all the best, and remember: You are not alone!
Keep reading posts here, and you will find links to information that can change your outlook, and give you strength,
Peace,
~Heartfan
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi Drama Student and welcome
A well crafted drama indeed. But its scary because its real. The suicide part? The slow part? That's real. My father is an 84 yr old alchie. How he's alive I don't know. But he's not really alive...his brain is gone...Werneke's. He truly is a zombie. He shuffles around, has no idea what's going on, eats nothing but sugar and junk food...with his wine (no hard stuff for him anymore but my Mom buys him wine....that's ok right? OMG). No bathing, smells, god knows what on his pants...he's like a hobo living in a house. He just needs a shopping cart to push around. Does that stop me? Nope. I had to stop me. Take control and decide I am worthy of something much more. But I'm the only one that can do it. I can ask for help, follow the lead of those who know more than I, but I'm the one that lifts the drink to my mouth. Alcohol is only evil and demonic if it combines with my chemistry. Otherwise its a liquid in a bottle. It has no power. I know I can not drink today. And that's not a white knuckle thing...well sometimes it is...but mostly its just a commitment my mind can handle.
I relate very much to you and have been in the throes of my own alcohol induced drama many, many, many times. I hope you realize that you have a choice. Hang in there. You're very smart. I look forward to reading your stories in recovery....
A well crafted drama indeed. But its scary because its real. The suicide part? The slow part? That's real. My father is an 84 yr old alchie. How he's alive I don't know. But he's not really alive...his brain is gone...Werneke's. He truly is a zombie. He shuffles around, has no idea what's going on, eats nothing but sugar and junk food...with his wine (no hard stuff for him anymore but my Mom buys him wine....that's ok right? OMG). No bathing, smells, god knows what on his pants...he's like a hobo living in a house. He just needs a shopping cart to push around. Does that stop me? Nope. I had to stop me. Take control and decide I am worthy of something much more. But I'm the only one that can do it. I can ask for help, follow the lead of those who know more than I, but I'm the one that lifts the drink to my mouth. Alcohol is only evil and demonic if it combines with my chemistry. Otherwise its a liquid in a bottle. It has no power. I know I can not drink today. And that's not a white knuckle thing...well sometimes it is
...but mostly its just a commitment my mind can handle.I relate very much to you and have been in the throes of my own alcohol induced drama many, many, many times. I hope you realize that you have a choice. Hang in there. You're very smart. I look forward to reading your stories in recovery....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 387
Drama: That's me as well sans the nails. Don't question why you are writing epics, just keep writing. More than catharsis it brings you connection and with connection life slowly begins to have meaning again.
What connection meant to me was that even though I did not care about my health, others did via their empathy and compassion. Am I sober? No, but I've gone from less than 5% abstinence over the last few years to 40% over the last three months. My aim of course is 100% and I will get there.
I wish you well.
KP
What connection meant to me was that even though I did not care about my health, others did via their empathy and compassion. Am I sober? No, but I've gone from less than 5% abstinence over the last few years to 40% over the last three months. My aim of course is 100% and I will get there.
I wish you well.
KP
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
You've wrapped so much into this one post. It's masterful. It describes and reminds me so much of my own experience.
Thank you for this stark reminder of why I've embraced sobriety and the awful darkness that awaits should I choose not to honor sobriety but instead fall back into the false-promising arms of alcohol again.
It is utterly ridiculous.... All of it. You have nailed it.
And you have it within you to honor this Self who sees it so clearly and to open yourself into a whole new world, a whole new life.
I can tell you it is a far better one.
Thank you for this stark reminder of why I've embraced sobriety and the awful darkness that awaits should I choose not to honor sobriety but instead fall back into the false-promising arms of alcohol again.
It is utterly ridiculous.... All of it. You have nailed it.
And you have it within you to honor this Self who sees it so clearly and to open yourself into a whole new world, a whole new life.
I can tell you it is a far better one.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Been there, done that, except for the nails bit. Ouch. There can be an end to the madness and Bacchus/Dionysius also represent madness. You have to decide. You make that choice. In each of us we have the power to choose. Alcohol wants us to think otherwise. But that's a lie.
Keep writing. It's catharsis. But don't over think it. I spent decades spewing words into journals, pondering the imponderable "why am I like this?". All wasted ink until I started doing.
I've walked your steps. I've felt those feelings. I've felt that powerless. Not today. Today I choose a different path. You can too.
Keep writing. It's catharsis. But don't over think it. I spent decades spewing words into journals, pondering the imponderable "why am I like this?". All wasted ink until I started doing.
I've walked your steps. I've felt those feelings. I've felt that powerless. Not today. Today I choose a different path. You can too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Southern Oregon U.S.
Posts: 1,023
I knew someone who committed suicide and as I was having a beer and a smoke I was wondering how someone could do such a thing and it really dawned on me that I was doing the same thing practically with my addictions only slower. I started by putting down the smokes. A couple weeks later I drank my last beer. Then a while later went the herb. There's no reason you can't do the same. Take the first step and put one down for good.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Beautifully written. It sounds like we are about the same age, early thirties. I recently found a journal from 2008 and I was writing about drinking too much every day and wanting to stop. When I wrote that I really thought I would stop soon. Genuine promises to myself that I would stop tomorrow were said for a long time. I stopped in 2014. It's been 15 months since my last drink.
All I will add is that there is NEVER a perfect time to stop. Today is as good as any. When I first stopped I figured that I would be foaming at the mouth for alcohol for the rest of my life. Wrong. The first year is pretty strange and in some ways very difficult but in other ways much easier than I thought. I will share some of the things that were actually easier than I thought they would be.
Waking up each day without a hangover is really nice. You get used to it. You say that you're ready to go at noon and feel great but I will speak from my experience that when I thought I was not hungover I actually was. On the mornings when I would wake up after drinking and think wow I feel pretty good? Nah. I felt like crap. But I guess I feel better than some other mornings with hangovers.
What else was easier than I thought?
Work is easier without a hangover. I was also a student last year and doing homework was easier without a hangover.
I'm saving a ton of money. About $10-$15 a day which adds up to $300 to $500 a month. That's a lot of money.
I didn't realize how depressing that slow suicide feeling was until i stopped drinking. It's really really bad when drinking.
Well, I just wanted to share some of the positives of quitting. It truly is like the emperors new clothes. I thought alcohol really helped my life for a long time. But now that I'm sober I wonder why in the hell I drink in the first place. It really made life difficult in many many ways.
All I will add is that there is NEVER a perfect time to stop. Today is as good as any. When I first stopped I figured that I would be foaming at the mouth for alcohol for the rest of my life. Wrong. The first year is pretty strange and in some ways very difficult but in other ways much easier than I thought. I will share some of the things that were actually easier than I thought they would be.
Waking up each day without a hangover is really nice. You get used to it. You say that you're ready to go at noon and feel great but I will speak from my experience that when I thought I was not hungover I actually was. On the mornings when I would wake up after drinking and think wow I feel pretty good? Nah. I felt like crap. But I guess I feel better than some other mornings with hangovers.
What else was easier than I thought?
Work is easier without a hangover. I was also a student last year and doing homework was easier without a hangover.
I'm saving a ton of money. About $10-$15 a day which adds up to $300 to $500 a month. That's a lot of money.
I didn't realize how depressing that slow suicide feeling was until i stopped drinking. It's really really bad when drinking.
Well, I just wanted to share some of the positives of quitting. It truly is like the emperors new clothes. I thought alcohol really helped my life for a long time. But now that I'm sober I wonder why in the hell I drink in the first place. It really made life difficult in many many ways.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Maryland
Posts: 321
Welcome Drama. I have to say that was a pretty powerful post for me. You've pretty much described my internal battle and it seems, a lot of ours. Especially how each drunk starts out pleasurable, then to melancholy, then miserable....all within hours. That's how it was for me, night after night....the promise alcohol made of the "pleasurable" beginning, always kept me coming back, hoping that "this time" would be different and I could ride that pleasure wave over the latter guaranteed outcome. I could count the amount of times that happened on one hand, in 10 years. Funny thing was those very few times that I didn't descend into misery, kept me drinking. In my sick mind, I would think "Well come on, you remember that time last November it was fun"....when every time drinking after that "fun time" was spent wallowing in misery. One good drinking time out of 20395829853 miserable times always won the battle in my mind. Finally, even that tiny window closed and pretty much I was a shadow of the person I used to be.
Hopefully you'll give sobriety a try. It really will get you off that rollercoaster of feelings. I'm on day 45 and feeling better than I have for many years. I finally stopped caring about what society or my circle of friends thought. Like you, it surely was a slow suicide and I finally saw it for what it was and decided to fight for my life.
Stay, write (you have a gift), give it a go being alcohol free and sober. SR is a great place for encouragement and support.
Hopefully you'll give sobriety a try. It really will get you off that rollercoaster of feelings. I'm on day 45 and feeling better than I have for many years. I finally stopped caring about what society or my circle of friends thought. Like you, it surely was a slow suicide and I finally saw it for what it was and decided to fight for my life.
Stay, write (you have a gift), give it a go being alcohol free and sober. SR is a great place for encouragement and support.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome Drama Student
Like others here I'm appreciative of your writing prowess and your intelligence - sadly this condition we share is no respecter of either.
This is a great place to find support and encouragement for change. We all understand how frightening this is and how it seems to strike at the heart of who we are.
The real truth, ironically, is I had no idea who the real me was until I gave up the booze.
Much to my surprise I wasn't as objectionable as my head & heart had always told me I was.
I found the bottom line was I can drink...or I can grow and fulfill my potential...it's one or the other - but never both.
I hope you'll find SR as integral to that growth process as I did
D
Like others here I'm appreciative of your writing prowess and your intelligence - sadly this condition we share is no respecter of either.
This is a great place to find support and encouragement for change. We all understand how frightening this is and how it seems to strike at the heart of who we are.
The real truth, ironically, is I had no idea who the real me was until I gave up the booze.
Much to my surprise I wasn't as objectionable as my head & heart had always told me I was.
I found the bottom line was I can drink...or I can grow and fulfill my potential...it's one or the other - but never both.
I hope you'll find SR as integral to that growth process as I did
D
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