Seeking help as I attempt to go cold turkey
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 1
Seeking help as I attempt to go cold turkey
My name is John and I am an alcoholic. But that is nowhere near enough to determine how I'm programmed as an alcoholic. Allow me to provide my backstory. At the age of 26 I'm finally admitting to myself a weakness that I've denied for years. When I became an adult I was an alcohol free individual that focused 24 hours of my days on fitness, personal development and quality nutrition. In other words, bodybuilding and fitness is and always was my passion in life. But something happened.
Tough financial situations had forced me into making as much money in the present moment rather than the long run. At the age of 21 I began working factory/warehouse jobs. This was NEVER an area that I wanted to work for. But, as I said, a tough financial situation forced me to take the first thing that offered full time and more than minimum wage. These jobs made me feel very distanced from my purpose in life and I was expected to work like a slave-- fast paced work and I was forced to work over 12 hours/day. Of course, I was young at the time and I had the victimizing belief that supervisors are always right and you always do as they say.
I always blamed my decision to settle for low end labor jobs where I made decent money but worked like a slave to cause negative associations within my mind. 8 to 16 hours/day is enough to make or break a person. You feel like you're a rat trapped in a cage. The rat ca run in his little exercise wheel but no matter how fast he runs, he isn't going anywhere. That was me. That feeling of being trapped and not moving anywhere, no matter how hard I worked, made me feeling unsatisfied with my life. This lead me to drinking. Because whenever I drank during the final several hours of my days, I felt a level of pleasure.
Exactly how bad did this get? I started out drinking maybe a quarter-half bottle of vodka once or a couple times per week. This lead to the same quantity about three times per week. This then lead to drinking a third of the bottle every single night of the day. And recently this lead to drinking three quarters (and on occasion the entire bottle) on a nightly basis.
Every day, starting early in the day, I drink at least a gallon of water and eat well with the hope of vitamins and clear water flushing my body would help me to knock out of it. I've made too many promises that I've broken to the point that I no longer trust myself.
My goal is to overcome my addiction, drastically improve my body and become a personal trainer. I'm struggling to win. Nobody in my personal life knows of my addiction. Not even those closest to me. I've called the hotlines and they're random associates that don't care about my well being but they're looking to bank off off of my weakness. I feel so alone in my journey. My dad went to AA for almost 8 years and as a kid I went to the clubs. I remember the environments were ideal for 2nd hand smoking and seeing a lot of weak people spending time admitting to their weakness instead of becoming empowered. It might or might not be an accurate judgement but that's my personal interpretation and the last time I went with my dad was at least 15 years ago. Obviously at the age of 11 I wasn't an alcoholic but he babysat me so he took me to the clubs and I would sit in a corner playing WWF WrestleMania 2000 on my Gameboy Color while overhearing the discussions on a consistent basis. For those wondering, my dad went sober in late 1996 and broke the trend in late 2003. Fortunately he never returned to his old drinking habits and he is now just a moderate drinker. And as a moderate drinker instead of drinking excessive alcohol or going through withdrawals, he is calmer and kinder than ever before. And he does monitor his health quite well.
I feel like I have no one to speak to. I want help whether it's a mentor, friend or someone anonymous that genuinely cares. Because I feel like if I could I would reach out to others and help them if I had that power to do so.
I apologize for going on with my own story. If nobody responds it's okay. But any responses, support or advice wouldn't go unnoticed.
Tough financial situations had forced me into making as much money in the present moment rather than the long run. At the age of 21 I began working factory/warehouse jobs. This was NEVER an area that I wanted to work for. But, as I said, a tough financial situation forced me to take the first thing that offered full time and more than minimum wage. These jobs made me feel very distanced from my purpose in life and I was expected to work like a slave-- fast paced work and I was forced to work over 12 hours/day. Of course, I was young at the time and I had the victimizing belief that supervisors are always right and you always do as they say.
I always blamed my decision to settle for low end labor jobs where I made decent money but worked like a slave to cause negative associations within my mind. 8 to 16 hours/day is enough to make or break a person. You feel like you're a rat trapped in a cage. The rat ca run in his little exercise wheel but no matter how fast he runs, he isn't going anywhere. That was me. That feeling of being trapped and not moving anywhere, no matter how hard I worked, made me feeling unsatisfied with my life. This lead me to drinking. Because whenever I drank during the final several hours of my days, I felt a level of pleasure.
Exactly how bad did this get? I started out drinking maybe a quarter-half bottle of vodka once or a couple times per week. This lead to the same quantity about three times per week. This then lead to drinking a third of the bottle every single night of the day. And recently this lead to drinking three quarters (and on occasion the entire bottle) on a nightly basis.
Every day, starting early in the day, I drink at least a gallon of water and eat well with the hope of vitamins and clear water flushing my body would help me to knock out of it. I've made too many promises that I've broken to the point that I no longer trust myself.
My goal is to overcome my addiction, drastically improve my body and become a personal trainer. I'm struggling to win. Nobody in my personal life knows of my addiction. Not even those closest to me. I've called the hotlines and they're random associates that don't care about my well being but they're looking to bank off off of my weakness. I feel so alone in my journey. My dad went to AA for almost 8 years and as a kid I went to the clubs. I remember the environments were ideal for 2nd hand smoking and seeing a lot of weak people spending time admitting to their weakness instead of becoming empowered. It might or might not be an accurate judgement but that's my personal interpretation and the last time I went with my dad was at least 15 years ago. Obviously at the age of 11 I wasn't an alcoholic but he babysat me so he took me to the clubs and I would sit in a corner playing WWF WrestleMania 2000 on my Gameboy Color while overhearing the discussions on a consistent basis. For those wondering, my dad went sober in late 1996 and broke the trend in late 2003. Fortunately he never returned to his old drinking habits and he is now just a moderate drinker. And as a moderate drinker instead of drinking excessive alcohol or going through withdrawals, he is calmer and kinder than ever before. And he does monitor his health quite well.
I feel like I have no one to speak to. I want help whether it's a mentor, friend or someone anonymous that genuinely cares. Because I feel like if I could I would reach out to others and help them if I had that power to do so.
I apologize for going on with my own story. If nobody responds it's okay. But any responses, support or advice wouldn't go unnoticed.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2
Thank you for sharing
I'm too inexperienced at this sobriety thing to offer any sage advice but I can offer you a listening ear and the belief that you can do this. You have the basis to be well and healthy and your best self.
There are many wise people here who can support you in your decision.
There are many wise people here who can support you in your decision.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Eastern US
Posts: 34
mistermeddle,
What you say here "you feel like you're a rat trapped in a cage. The rat can run in his little exercise wheel but no matter how fast he runs, he isn't going anywhere. That was me. That feeling of being trapped and not moving anywhere, no matter how hard I worked, made me feeling unsatisfied with my life. "
I get it. Different details but IDENTICAL feelings. For me it was ending up in a grey cublicle where my mind was trapped hour after hour, day after day, doing work that made me feel like a mouse in a maze doing useless work. And I'm afraid I may need to return to that same work for the rest of my days. Which is horrible.
I believe your goal of becoming a personal trainer is totally doable and wonderful. Don't let time and succumbing to temporary relief get the better of your situation. Unfortunately, I know the destruction that causes :-(
I was once in medium-great shape and it felt Amazing. I think a future of you feeling that great about yourself (way better actually, I imagine) and helping others feel that great about themselves. Golden. That's a beautiful, amazing future. Don't rob yourself of it.
What you say here "you feel like you're a rat trapped in a cage. The rat can run in his little exercise wheel but no matter how fast he runs, he isn't going anywhere. That was me. That feeling of being trapped and not moving anywhere, no matter how hard I worked, made me feeling unsatisfied with my life. "
I get it. Different details but IDENTICAL feelings. For me it was ending up in a grey cublicle where my mind was trapped hour after hour, day after day, doing work that made me feel like a mouse in a maze doing useless work. And I'm afraid I may need to return to that same work for the rest of my days. Which is horrible.
I believe your goal of becoming a personal trainer is totally doable and wonderful. Don't let time and succumbing to temporary relief get the better of your situation. Unfortunately, I know the destruction that causes :-(
I was once in medium-great shape and it felt Amazing. I think a future of you feeling that great about yourself (way better actually, I imagine) and helping others feel that great about themselves. Golden. That's a beautiful, amazing future. Don't rob yourself of it.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
You will find lots of genuine support here. And, you can always check in as often as you like.
Detoxing from alcohol can be dangerous and unpredictable. It's always a good idea to talk to your dr first.
Detoxing from alcohol can be dangerous and unpredictable. It's always a good idea to talk to your dr first.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1,428
I think it's awesome at your age to have the insights you do and make it a goal to quit drinking! It gets harder the older you get. I was a secret drinker also, there are a lot of us on this site. I would suggest being honest with your physician, he or she may be able to help you with detox. That's a lot of vodka a night and cold turkey can be dangerous. Read and post as much as you can on this site, there is always someone here who has been through what you have and can help.
Good luck to you! I am early days of sobriety, started this journey beginning of July and had finally will have 30 days in two days! I feel like I am becoming a different person. I read a lot from the mentors here and trusted them it would get better when I didn't think I could handle withdrawals(thus my recommendation to visit physician, I did not my first detox and it was nasty).
Look forward to reading how you are doing!
Good luck to you! I am early days of sobriety, started this journey beginning of July and had finally will have 30 days in two days! I feel like I am becoming a different person. I read a lot from the mentors here and trusted them it would get better when I didn't think I could handle withdrawals(thus my recommendation to visit physician, I did not my first detox and it was nasty).
Look forward to reading how you are doing!
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,662
Hi John, welcome to SR.
I found this site a few months after I quit drinking. Mine had got out of hand so I was always either planning my next drink (in my head) or drinking. I carried on a normal life, or as normal as I, fogged up with alcohol, could.
Now I realise while I was drinking I was in a fog constantly.
For me, life is much more less complicated, less stressful and no dull hangovers. Once sober I have so much more time rather than putting booze in me until I passed out!
All the best, there's some great help on this forum from people who know what you're going through, have experienced similar situations.
I found this site a few months after I quit drinking. Mine had got out of hand so I was always either planning my next drink (in my head) or drinking. I carried on a normal life, or as normal as I, fogged up with alcohol, could.
Now I realise while I was drinking I was in a fog constantly.
For me, life is much more less complicated, less stressful and no dull hangovers. Once sober I have so much more time rather than putting booze in me until I passed out!
All the best, there's some great help on this forum from people who know what you're going through, have experienced similar situations.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Welcome MrMeddle
I will never forget finding this place - I'd finally found people who understood...
There is awesome support and wonderful ideas here - you're not alone anymore
I recommend you see a Dr too - it's always best to be safe
D
I will never forget finding this place - I'd finally found people who understood...
There is awesome support and wonderful ideas here - you're not alone anymore
I recommend you see a Dr too - it's always best to be safe
D
Last edited by Dee74; 09-20-2015 at 08:51 PM.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi MM and welcome!
I genuinely care, as I'm sure you'll find many do here. You sound like you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be your personal best. I get that. Maybe right now give yourself a break...the way you would a friend who is struggling. Show that genuine love for yourself. Just focus on putting a plug in the jug. One step at a time, one right action at a time. Try not to judge. I think of HOW. Honest, Open, Willing.
I genuinely care, as I'm sure you'll find many do here. You sound like you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be your personal best. I get that. Maybe right now give yourself a break...the way you would a friend who is struggling. Show that genuine love for yourself. Just focus on putting a plug in the jug
. One step at a time, one right action at a time. Try not to judge. I think of HOW. Honest, Open, Willing.
Re-Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 7,909
Welcome to SR, mistermeddle, and congrats on deciding to live a better way of life in sobriety.
You might give AA a try for yourself now that you're an adult. For one thing, most meetings in most locales are non-smoking now. Just like most bars, actually. Most of the smoking is confined to the parking lot. I think there's one smoking meeting room left in my town. I've never been there and never will go.
You might give AA a try for yourself now that you're an adult. For one thing, most meetings in most locales are non-smoking now. Just like most bars, actually. Most of the smoking is confined to the parking lot. I think there's one smoking meeting room left in my town. I've never been there and never will go.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 33
Welcome Mistermeddle. SR is a great place to find support. There are lots of people who care and will share their experiences with you. I'm only on Day 8, but I was here a couple years ago and it helped me be sober for 6 weeks, and to reduce my drinking. Now, I'm back at it's only Day 8, but it feels good. I try to check in every day.
Congratulate yourself for all the things you understand and for taking a start and reaching out. That first step is the hardest for me. Be kind to yourself and don't give up. You will be an awesome personal trainer!
Please let us know how it goes.
Congratulate yourself for all the things you understand and for taking a start and reaching out. That first step is the hardest for me. Be kind to yourself and don't give up. You will be an awesome personal trainer!
Please let us know how it goes.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 56
Mr Meddle, one thing that I am finding here that has really surprised me. Is that everyone here may have different details, but they all have the same understanding that only we can have. It amazes me as I read these posts to find people here who get what it means to have an addiction, to work very hard every day to find their drug, whatever it may be, to feed their demons. And who were probably doing it with no one else never really knowing the depths to which we were all sinking before our first sober day.
So stick around, there are people here who not only get where your coming from deeply, but are here to offer support and guidance. This is proving to be a special place for me.
So stick around, there are people here who not only get where your coming from deeply, but are here to offer support and guidance. This is proving to be a special place for me.
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