matilda123

This happened to me the last time I got sober too: I would begin to feel so great, and so productive--still do and still am. So lucky to have the job I have and not to have lost it. But I realize how much I could have accomplished professionally if I hadn't drank for the last 15 years and sometimes the sadness hits me like a punch in the stomach and makes me feel anxious.

I know it is one day at a time, and, as someone said earlier, it is okay to look behind, but don't stare. While I grasp that intellectually, I find it hard to grasp emotionally. What do you do when you feel that way? In the past, I'd drown it with alcohol.

Reset

One of my favorite quotes goes something like "you cannot step in the same river twice." (Heraclitus) Meaning, each time you step in, the river will be different and you will be different. That water is gone, the riverbank has shifted, and you're a different person. So what's the point of beating yourself up about something that you cannot change?

That's easier said than done, and yeah sometimes I have to force myself to that line of thinking, but getting rid of regret is a great and liberating feeling. All you can do is focus on how to be better now and going forward. This is more or less a Buddhist idea btw. We suffer because we're attached to things and regret is a form of attachment. Let it go and you'll ease the suffering.

Coldfusion

I am working on a Twelve-Step program of recovery that helps me deal with regret in an organized manner.

Dee74

Hi matilda

It's a tough one but what I had to do was accept that I can't change anything in my past.

While that realisation hurt, I also realised that I could do great things with my todays

Once I learned to focus on the day before me and not the day behind me - living right and doing right best I could every day - I felt a lot better about myself again, and I started to heal

D

Verte

Hi Matilada, so glad that you are here!

Reset, your quote/saying, is one of the most beautiful and true that I have ever read. Thanks for that.

About three years ago, before I even considered removing alcohol and drinking from my life, I did some group existential therapy/discussion. No one in the group knew who I was or what I had experienced. No one knew how I identified myself or any of my details.

At the time I was feeling a significant amount of physical and emotional pain and was really tired of it and did not want to talk. So I listened a lot and answered basic questions as did everyone else. I gained a lot from that experience. Primarily, gratitude for all that I had endured. Gratitude for just sitting there listening to everyone and all they had endured.

It took me another good year to sign up for SR and participate. For the most part, I like to take my sweet time with life's lessons and when I ever feel sad or afraid I remind myself that I usually get there - arrive at a place where I feel ready to learn something necessary and useful.

Your sadness might just mean that you are evolving - that something needs to change and you are ready or readying for it.

Pema Chödrön's books have always been comforting. Maybe it is time for some good words to read? Well, along with SR, of course.

Soberwolf

What D said

Nonsensical

The next 15 years are coming. How much can you accomplish during them if you don't repeat the mistakes of the past?

doggonecarl

Regret drinking for 15 years...drown the regret in alcohol. That's the insanity of alcoholism. To drink over regrets of drinking.

You are bound to feel regrets. There's no "unfeeling" them in early sobriety. But you don't have to drink over them. Don't give your addiction any more leverage over your emotions.

FLCamper

Nonsensical's advice is right on: make the most of what's ahead.
I could've done so much more professionally, with my relationships - and if I really think about what a better Mom I could've been....
Like most other decisions I've made: if I had done things differently, there is no guarantee I'd have been better off. I could've gone down a road that didn't involve alcohol, but that road could have been worse.

sugarbear1

Two things that help me:

clean something or accomplish a task I have yet to complete

or

Help someone else.

FarToGo

Thanks for this thread Matilda, I think we're at a similar point (regrets and looking back), But I know I can't drink and I know drink won't help me. Advice offered is really good, thanks folks.
If it helps at all, I drank for 30 years, things could be worse, let's try to focus on now.
Be well xx

matilda123

Thank you, everyone. I realize this feeling is triggered by a specific opportunity I might not be eligible for because I didn't get something done. It hurts, but I can't change it. Carl, you are right: drinking because you regret drinking is part of the insanity of this disease.

Sleepy dots over in the September thread said something that resonated for me as a gardener: 20 years ago is the best time to plant a tree. The next best time is now

entropy1964

Hi Mathilda

I know how you're feeling. Maybe in a way it's healthy? You're not in denial but facing the truth of what your addiction has robbed you of? But dwelling won't help. Maybe write down your regrets, what happened, your role in what happened, what could you have done differently, then let it go. Even burn it. Sort of a ritual.

I know by having one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, I'm pissing on today. Sad but true. The only way I can build my self esteem is by doing esteem-able things. Ok enough cliches. But for me those cliches are so true. Do with today what you didn't do yesterday. Ack! Sorry

courage2

I think the best way to stop regretting the past is to build a life you take satisfaction in. It takes a while for many of us, me included In the meantime, it helps to do little things that give you pride to balance any regrets -- service to others, house-keeping, taking steps to meet a manageable goal.

You have a great instinct to know that staying in regret is bad for your sobriety. Stay off the sauce and you'll be able to see exciting opportunities ahead of you!

Tracy999

The thing to focus on is doing the next right thing every single day so that the next specific opportunity does not hold regret. You will know that you gave it your all and what happens, happens.

Eyes forward ma'am, there's nothing to see back there.

Fly N Buy

We are such a "the grass is greener" sort of people - even when we romanticize the past! The Monday morning quarter back - now that I know all the plays, how could I not have realized what to do!!?!

For me, it turns out I am what I am. We all have some regrets, but I contend a lot of those are ego drive. Dang, if I weren't a drunk years back I could have been President! Hogwash.......

Our lives work out how they are suppose to. All we done is preparation for today. I find all I need to focus on is how to help others and love people, including ME. The rest is simply ego and vanity. In sobriety, hopefully we learn humility - that is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.

Stay sober, face the challenges today as they come (the days are evil) and live.
FORGIVE yourself for being human.......Thank God you're here to have the regrets - many are not.

Keep coming back!

thomas11

All I know is that time heals almost everything. And with sober time under your belt it won't erase the past, but you can hold your head high knowing you likely won't do or say regrettable things while sober.