I am really in need
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Mera;
Never stop posting, never stop working on sobriety.
You cannot lose if you don't quit.
This is a hard thing, but you are doing it.
Your posting here in support and with your story helps others is so many ways.
Don't feel bad or weak--it takes strength and courage to relapse and come clean,
and to try again, and to reach out and help others in the depth of your own troubles.
We care about you and whatever support you need do reach out for and find a way to make it work.
Never stop posting, never stop working on sobriety.
You cannot lose if you don't quit.
This is a hard thing, but you are doing it.
Your posting here in support and with your story helps others is so many ways.
Don't feel bad or weak--it takes strength and courage to relapse and come clean,
and to try again, and to reach out and help others in the depth of your own troubles.
We care about you and whatever support you need do reach out for and find a way to make it work.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso 
Hi all, this is a desperate plea for some encouragement and kind words. I've fallen again, I am at the end of my rope today. I have wallowed around in self pity and have repeated to myself over and over "I never have to feel like this again"
Why does this keep happening? I don't even know anymore. I'm about to give up but I can't, I don't want to give up. I want to be better.
I was doing so well, feeling so good and strong. I started drinking the evening that I found out about my business partner screwing me again. I chose the very worst way to handle that.
I am a mess, I am so depressed and hate hate hate myself right now.
I cannot seem to make this work. How long have I been here posting the same stuff over and over???
I am determined to make it through today without drinking. Then I'l do it again tomorrow. But I am really afraid. I felt SO strong this time around.
I am here hovering over the keyboard, reluctant to post this because I am tired of admitting defeat. I am embarrassed, ashamed and just feel like a really crappy, weak person.
Why does this keep happening? I don't even know anymore. I'm about to give up but I can't, I don't want to give up. I want to be better.
I was doing so well, feeling so good and strong. I started drinking the evening that I found out about my business partner screwing me again. I chose the very worst way to handle that.
I am a mess, I am so depressed and hate hate hate myself right now.
I cannot seem to make this work. How long have I been here posting the same stuff over and over???
I am determined to make it through today without drinking. Then I'l do it again tomorrow. But I am really afraid. I felt SO strong this time around.
I am here hovering over the keyboard, reluctant to post this because I am tired of admitting defeat. I am embarrassed, ashamed and just feel like a really crappy, weak person.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso
Thank you so much for those kind words, I appreciate it more than I can say. I do feel like a failure and am starting to feel embarrassed about posting. I feel like the more times I mess up the less I have a right to be here, offer help to others or even ask for help.
I swear I am really trying. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am. I am putting effort into this and have found some success. But I continue to fall.
I am a good person, I try to do everything right, this is the one thing I keep doing wrong- picking up the first drink.
I swear I am really trying. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am. I am putting effort into this and have found some success. But I continue to fall.
I am a good person, I try to do everything right, this is the one thing I keep doing wrong- picking up the first drink.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Mera, if you're thinking about inpatient and don't know what to do about childcare, ask your mom. She's already coming in October. You've said she quit drinking. Maybe explore the option of her watching your children? Not exactly what you had in mind for her visit but you need support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Thank you again everyone. I woke up bright and early this morning, feeling fresh, and it warmed my heart to read so many kind messages of support. I did not expect that when I reached out. I feel like sometimes my posts must elicit eye rolls and annoyed sighs.
I'm back at it and ready to try again. Each time this happens I feel like I go back stronger than ever. I am not sure if I am in the right frame of mind to accurately evaluate the situation, but it does feel that way.
I have to let this business thing go. I cannot understand why it has hit me so hard. My mom was also saying that, she says of all the things I've had to go through to build a life here, this one is pretty minimal and she keeps talking to me to try and get to the bottom of why this has affected me so deeply.
It is definitely the money, I needed/need the money he owes me and I will never see that. The money for the clients will get repaid eventually. The case is black and white and with the involvement of an attorney it will surely get resolved.
I guess part of it is the disappointment in people in general. For god's sake, I remember driving 30 minutes back into town one day when I checked over a receipt and saw that I wasn't charged for a €4 jar of craft paint. This guy is ripping people off more or less €10,000! How does he hold his head up each day? How does he put his head on the pillow and fall asleep at night. I would not have been able to sleep if I had not returned to pay for the paint.
Another part of this is the disappointment of all the hard work I put into making the website, setting up the business and the hopes and dreams I had for it working out and being successful. I really thought I had finally found a solid plan for financial stability here.
When I first found out about this I really was close to driving myself to the hospital and asking them to admit me. For what? I had no idea, I just planned on telling them I felt like I was having a mental breakdown.
I have GOT to get past this though, i cannot let it define this period of my life. The stress is not good for me at all.
thank you so much for your concern and suggestion. I am not depressed in a chronic way. I just suffer crushing depression the day after drinking. It passes within a day or two and I am back to feeling positive, active and for the most part, strong. I am a generally anxious and stressed person though and I do take medication for that. Just a light dosage but it seems to help.
I'm back at it and ready to try again. Each time this happens I feel like I go back stronger than ever. I am not sure if I am in the right frame of mind to accurately evaluate the situation, but it does feel that way.
I have to let this business thing go. I cannot understand why it has hit me so hard. My mom was also saying that, she says of all the things I've had to go through to build a life here, this one is pretty minimal and she keeps talking to me to try and get to the bottom of why this has affected me so deeply.
It is definitely the money, I needed/need the money he owes me and I will never see that. The money for the clients will get repaid eventually. The case is black and white and with the involvement of an attorney it will surely get resolved.
I guess part of it is the disappointment in people in general. For god's sake, I remember driving 30 minutes back into town one day when I checked over a receipt and saw that I wasn't charged for a €4 jar of craft paint. This guy is ripping people off more or less €10,000! How does he hold his head up each day? How does he put his head on the pillow and fall asleep at night. I would not have been able to sleep if I had not returned to pay for the paint.
Another part of this is the disappointment of all the hard work I put into making the website, setting up the business and the hopes and dreams I had for it working out and being successful. I really thought I had finally found a solid plan for financial stability here.
When I first found out about this I really was close to driving myself to the hospital and asking them to admit me. For what? I had no idea, I just planned on telling them I felt like I was having a mental breakdown.
I have GOT to get past this though, i cannot let it define this period of my life. The stress is not good for me at all.
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Have you addressed the issue of depression? What you are describing sounds a lot like depression. Do you have a doctor you can see?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Mera, I'm not sure quite how to describe this in words ... for me, sometimes holding on too tightly and wanting something oh so very much can backfire. Sometimes I need to let go and relax into a different way of thinking. It sounds to me like you may be white-knuckling?
I agree with the earlier poster who commented on letting go of the business problems. If you have experience with meditation, you may want to try that. Or simply periodic deep breathing with your eyes closed and picture shedding all of your worries. For right now, the priority is you and whatever you need in order to stay sober for the next 24 hours - only that.
I agree with the earlier poster who commented on letting go of the business problems. If you have experience with meditation, you may want to try that. Or simply periodic deep breathing with your eyes closed and picture shedding all of your worries. For right now, the priority is you and whatever you need in order to stay sober for the next 24 hours - only that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: the driftless zone
Posts: 1,017
Hi Mera,
I'm sorry that you are suffering and hope you are feeling better today.
I usually shy away from offering advice here since I'm in early recovery and on a steep learning curve. But for whatever it's worth, I need to put the following out here.
Like you, I'm from the States and built a very good life in another country. Everything was fine until after the birth of my second daughter. (This was before the alcoholism.) I fell into postpartum depression and three years on I was spiraling into very dark territory. And I was tired-very, very tired. I kept reaching out to my sister though, and she basically did a phone intervention to make me find new sources for help. I meant tapping into the expat community in ways I never had before. After calling an English "lifeline", finding a doctor I didn't have to speak to in another language and being able to stop cultural navigating, I was able to get the help I needed.
You mention being lonely, having few people to turn to, and having difficulty "fully expressing" yourself to a therapist. Perhaps it's time to broaden your search to the expat community. (Wish I had a handy link...)
I feel for you immensely and admire your tenacity.
Wishing you the best. You can do this.
Toki
I'm sorry that you are suffering and hope you are feeling better today.
I usually shy away from offering advice here since I'm in early recovery and on a steep learning curve. But for whatever it's worth, I need to put the following out here.
Like you, I'm from the States and built a very good life in another country. Everything was fine until after the birth of my second daughter. (This was before the alcoholism.) I fell into postpartum depression and three years on I was spiraling into very dark territory. And I was tired-very, very tired. I kept reaching out to my sister though, and she basically did a phone intervention to make me find new sources for help. I meant tapping into the expat community in ways I never had before. After calling an English "lifeline", finding a doctor I didn't have to speak to in another language and being able to stop cultural navigating, I was able to get the help I needed.
You mention being lonely, having few people to turn to, and having difficulty "fully expressing" yourself to a therapist. Perhaps it's time to broaden your search to the expat community. (Wish I had a handy link...)
I feel for you immensely and admire your tenacity.
Wishing you the best. You can do this.
Toki
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi Mera, I know you've been going through some rough times professionally and personally. Your a smart person and I'm know you are well aware that drinking won't solve anything. I'm hoping you can string some days together and get your head clear and your mind strong. Rooting for you the whole way Mera.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,498
Mera, I'm sorry you are struggling with this so much. It sounds like your ex business partner has shaken your belief in yourself and your judgement, as well as losing the money involved which you were depending on receiving. As others have said, you have to try to step back from this disappointment and find a way to move forward with your business and your life. I think sometimes when we hold onto something with so much determination, it can backfire. Life flows and the only thing we can control is our reaction to what happens around us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 873
Running a business isn't always easy. You take risks, work hard, and try to do the right thing, but it doesn't always work out the way you want. I've been there. Actually more often than not it doesn't work out the way you want but things still manage to be ok nevertheless.
Try not to worry too much about what a bad guy your ex partner is. Bad guys are gonna do bad things and there's little you can do about that except for being one of the good guys. At least you can say you did/are doing the right things and whatever he does is on him.
And if you're doing the right things, eventually it'll work in your favor. Might take extra time and more hard work but it'll pay off sooner or later. Don't give up!
And remember that alcohol doesn't relieve stress- it just moves it to the next day. Better to get your head clear so that you can solve the source of the stress instead of avoiding it. At least that's what I'm telling myself.
Hang in there!
Try not to worry too much about what a bad guy your ex partner is. Bad guys are gonna do bad things and there's little you can do about that except for being one of the good guys. At least you can say you did/are doing the right things and whatever he does is on him.
And if you're doing the right things, eventually it'll work in your favor. Might take extra time and more hard work but it'll pay off sooner or later. Don't give up!
And remember that alcohol doesn't relieve stress- it just moves it to the next day. Better to get your head clear so that you can solve the source of the stress instead of avoiding it. At least that's what I'm telling myself.
Hang in there!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Thank you so much again everyone. Tokidoki, your post was very much appreciated, it feels good to know someone understands. I do love my life here but even after so many years here, the cultural differences can still cause friction. I do belong to a group for expats/immigrants in Italy, I will reach out there. I don't suffer from chronic depression but I think seeing a therapist is often very useful for a number of reasons.
I am really doing my best to get past this business thing. I am taking a bach flower remedy for "excessive worry" I have to say, it seems to be helping.
There are a number of good things that have come out of this- one, I have rid myself of a liar and thief very early on in our dealings, this can only be a good thing. Secondly, as I am really trying hard to concentrate on staying sober, the disappearance of the stress of getting a new business going is also good.
I will hold tight to my previous works I had going on before trying this new thing. I also am in contact with oxfam, the charity organization, and am trying to get a group of refugees from Syria into the house across the street from me. I have spoken with the landlord and they are willing to rent it out to oxfam. I am in the process of organizing a donation drive to furnish the house with everything. These people only have the clothes on their backs. I have agreed to be a point of reference and help for the people who will arrive as the main office is an hour away from where I am. I will help them with translations and give them English lessons, help them figure out the area and hopefully provide hugs and understanding and kindness. Volunteering isn't always altruistic, it also gives me something- a sense of purpose and a stark reminder that I don't really have it so bad. Without starting a political discussion, these people have been through hell and I hope I can play a small part in helping them be treated with dignity and the ability to make a life here in a safer place.
I am really doing my best to get past this business thing. I am taking a bach flower remedy for "excessive worry" I have to say, it seems to be helping.
There are a number of good things that have come out of this- one, I have rid myself of a liar and thief very early on in our dealings, this can only be a good thing. Secondly, as I am really trying hard to concentrate on staying sober, the disappearance of the stress of getting a new business going is also good.
I will hold tight to my previous works I had going on before trying this new thing. I also am in contact with oxfam, the charity organization, and am trying to get a group of refugees from Syria into the house across the street from me. I have spoken with the landlord and they are willing to rent it out to oxfam. I am in the process of organizing a donation drive to furnish the house with everything. These people only have the clothes on their backs. I have agreed to be a point of reference and help for the people who will arrive as the main office is an hour away from where I am. I will help them with translations and give them English lessons, help them figure out the area and hopefully provide hugs and understanding and kindness. Volunteering isn't always altruistic, it also gives me something- a sense of purpose and a stark reminder that I don't really have it so bad. Without starting a political discussion, these people have been through hell and I hope I can play a small part in helping them be treated with dignity and the ability to make a life here in a safer place.
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