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Old 09-18-2015, 06:12 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I am sorry to hear you relapsed.

One of the things you might want to start thinking about is why you allowed yourself to pick up. What was the justification in your mind? If you encountered the same situation, how would you handle it differently?

I had some trying times in early sobriety, but as uncomfortable as they were, I had to work through them without the alcohol. It gets easier to deal with them without alcohol as time goes on.

Pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You can use this to make yourself a stronger and better in your sobriety.
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Old 09-18-2015, 06:29 AM
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I am so sorry to hear that you have relapsed, Mera.

Really great advice here, as usual and in true SR style.

The good news is you are here and posting; that screams loud and clear that you haven't given up. As others have said, this is the time to really beef-up your tool box. Go to that meeting of which you spoke; try different methods and techniques; find one you think resonates with you and throw yourself into it.

You are a lovely young woman, Mera; you are worth it.
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Old 09-18-2015, 06:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
I am actually seriously considering rehab right now. I don't know how I will manage it with the kids. Their father is away for work a lot and cannot change that.
I agree that you do need to seriously consider something other than what you are doing now mera. Call around and see what is available for inpatient and outpatient programs.

I'd also recommend seeking therapy too. It seems as though you are having a very difficult time dealing with business and personal issues, and quitting drinking by itself is not going to solve those issues. Sobriety is a lot more than just not drinking, right?
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Old 09-18-2015, 06:56 AM
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Thanks everyone. I will go to the meeting Monday. I can do this. The crushing depression the day after makes it hard to see the light. I did see a therapist for a while but had a hard time fully expressing myself in my second language.
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Old 09-18-2015, 07:06 AM
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Mera, everyone here is rooting for you to succeed.

The only thing you have to do today is not pick up a drink. If you don't do that, you won't drink it.

Don't pick it up.

All these other problems will pass in time. You are smart and capable and you will get through anything life throws at you. But you have to stay alive, okay?
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Old 09-18-2015, 07:19 AM
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Thank you so much. Everyone's kind words and advice are really helping me right now. I spoke to my mom on the phone, she gave me a tough love talking to, which was needed. She is coming for a visit in October, so I have that to look forward to.
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Old 09-18-2015, 07:22 AM
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That's great! When my mother was alive, we always got together for a week or two in October. We lived on opposite corners of the country and didn't see each other any other times.

You can plan a tour of the area. How fun. Food and laughter - now you will be sober and able to enjoy every minute.
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Old 09-18-2015, 07:24 AM
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Yes, I am really looking forward to it. I am also glad that I have come completely clean about my problem. I had always tried to hide the severeness of it from her because I know she worries about me and feels helpless being so far away. It will be great to have her here.
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Old 09-18-2015, 07:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
Why does this keep happening? I don't even know anymore. I'm about to give up but I can't, I don't want to give up. I want to be better.
I don't know why you struggle. I suspect you are more aware of the reasons than you think.

I know in my own struggles--thirty five years with drugs and alcohol, if I said I didn't know why I used, there was nothing to stop it from happening again--which deep inside my addict heart that's exactly what I wanted to happen.

And as many times as I said I was going to stop, deep inside I always had a "reason," or situation, that if it happened, I'd use. In the very beginning it took very little. A bad day, I'd relapse. But even here at my last current stint of clean and sober I've had to look deep inside to root out the reasons to relapse: lost love, death of a beloved pet, sickness or death of a loved one, zombie apocalypse, one disaster or another. As long as something "worse" than drinking or drugging happened, I could excuse my relapse. Recovery changed that.

It's finally dawned on me, the worse thing I can do is let go of my sobriety. Because no matter what exterior situation happens, if my addiction wins, I lose much, much more. I lose me, my essence, my integrity.

I know in your struggles it is easy to want to give up. However, struggling is no reason to give up. It's all the more reason to keep trying.
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Old 09-18-2015, 08:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
I am actually seriously considering rehab right now. I don't know how I will manage it with the kids. Their father is away for work a lot and cannot change that. I don't have anyone nearby who could take care of the kids. I know I need to make this a priority though and if I can figure out the logistics I will.
(((Mera)))! I think I do understand how you are feeling. I kept on relapsing and ended up feeling full of self-loathing and doubting my ability to conquer this beast. I got lots of support here on SR and yet I needed much more. After a 3-month intensive outpatient program (3 sessions of 3 hours each per week) I stayed completely sober for about 7 months. When I had a recurrence of PTSD, I slipped but went right to my pdoc who put me on meds. I now rarely need the meds and feel solid. I had to focus all of my energies on becoming the sober person I so badly wanted to be.

This is not a failing on your part! This is a manifestation of just how difficult it can be to beat alcoholism. I hope you will put a priority on this. I know children in the picture complicates things but to be the best mother you can be, you now need to take care of you first. Kinda like they tell us on airplanes if the oxygen masks are needed - put your own on first before your children's.
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Old 09-18-2015, 08:03 AM
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They are my biggest motivation. I want them to always see me clear headed and capable. If I drink that is not the case. I love them so much and just feel horrible for putting them through this.
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Old 09-18-2015, 08:11 AM
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Mera, one of the challenges I faced was feeling that people on SR didn't "get" where I was at and weren't able to help me. Repeatedly relapsing doesn't happen to everyone and it doesn't mean that there is anything weak about you. Some of us have a much more difficult time and what works for many may not work for us as well. Since I had the f2f stuff, SR has been terrific but for me it was frustrating here prior to that.

One of the most important things you can do, IMHO, is to work your head around to accepting that you are not a bad or weak person!. The more I felt awful about myself, the harder it became. I lost confidence in my ability to stay sober.

Feel free to PM me if you think it could help.
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Old 09-18-2015, 08:19 AM
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Thank you so much for those kind words, I appreciate it more than I can say. I do feel like a failure and am starting to feel embarrassed about posting. I feel like the more times I mess up the less I have a right to be here, offer help to others or even ask for help.
I swear I am really trying. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am. I am putting effort into this and have found some success. But I continue to fall.
I am a good person, I try to do everything right, this is the one thing I keep doing wrong- picking up the first drink.
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Old 09-18-2015, 08:21 AM
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There is no magic to it.

It's just that. Don't pick it up, don't pour it into your mouth - no matter what happens around you.
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Old 09-18-2015, 08:21 AM
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Alcohol has basically kicked everyone's arse who is a member here - don't feel like the Lone Ranger!

We all had to find the end of ourselves. All those paths are different. Self deprecation and / or false bravado are two of our worst enemies and opposite sides of the same coin. As alcoholics, that's what we practice though - from the penthouse to the outhouse...........over and over.

I read a ton of stuff as do many here. Yesterday SoberWolf posted this link -- Dee called it "a darn good read". Amazingly, I took the action and read it! Wow, change is indeed possible .........https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...SMA12-4474.pdf

It is indeed a darn good read. Some of it from where you live may not be applicable, but the template of "how to " is of great value, imho.

My point is many times we have the tools already but we choose not to use them. We simply believe some day, some how we will be able to drink normally.

Page 30 - Big Book - More About Alcoholism

" Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."

keep coming back, please
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Old 09-18-2015, 08:23 AM
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Mera, that is such a familiar feeling! I felt like there was something wrong with me that I kept on relapsing. Ultimately, I probably didn't have enough tools in my toolbox but I tried so hard and didn't understand what else I could do. Total frustration with myself!

Trying something totally different - the IOP for me - helped me to finally break through the log jam.
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Old 09-18-2015, 10:30 AM
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl View Post
It's finally dawned on me, the worse thing I can do is let go of my sobriety. Because no matter what exterior situation happens, if my addiction wins, I lose much, much more. I lose me, my essence, my integrity.

I know in your struggles it is easy to want to give up. However, struggling is no reason to give up. It's all the more reason to keep trying
.

Such an important observation for recovery.

BE WELL
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Old 09-18-2015, 10:54 AM
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Hoping Monday goes amazing Mera I really agree with Scott's advice
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Old 09-18-2015, 12:03 PM
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I'm never going to stop believing in you Mera!! You can do this!!
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Old 09-18-2015, 02:16 PM
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Mera, count me in as one who will never give up on you either.

I'm going to quote FlyNBy

"Alcohol has basically kicked everyone's arse who is a member here - don't feel like the Lone Ranger! "

You're not alone in this and this battle isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination. But you ARE strong enough to make this change for you. Use what ever motivation you have, what ever will you can muster, what ever recovery tools you have gained and don't drink today.

Don't drink today and feel stronger about your accomplishment tomorrow. This isn't about feeling like a failure or embarrassed to be here. You deserve a better life, one without alcohol in it just like the rest of us do. And just like the rest of us, you absolutely have the strength and power to make this change.

Don't look too far into the future, just realize and believe, from your core that drinking will make tomorrow so much worse. Drinking takes all of our power and personal will from us.

You're a strong individual Mera. We believe in you, but you've got to believe in yourself!

You can do this.
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