Crete211

I've been drinking heavily since college. I'm 31 now. I can be a social drinker, but I get to the point where I don't know when to stop. Then I blackout and act in a way I would never ever sober. The most recent blackout I texted a girl I knew and have always been strictly professional with and made her sext with me, making up lies saying "my wife is cool with it" and that sort of thing. I don't remember any of this. At all. This isn't the first time either. I never remember doing these things. I have never physically cheated, but this is just as bad.

I love my wife and do not want anyone else. I have to stop drinking or I will lose her and eventually drinking will kill me. I've stopped for longer periods of time, but then I just go back to what I was doing, thinking I'm cured.

I've been to AA meetings and feel they aren't for me. I just want help and to get my life back... I want her faith in me restored. This whole thing has me seriously depressed.

Help.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Crete

You'll certainly find a lot of support and good ideas here.

Was it AA you disliked or the meeting format? I only ask so as to know what to suggest next

D

Crete211

I guess I did not like the way it was run. Chanting almost and waiting to talk. The people we great, I just found it to not be productive for me. I keep different hours because of my work. So something flexible.

Thank you for any and all feedback!

Wastinglife

I have embarrassed myself endlessly while intoxicated. I often have little to no memory when I drink to that blackout stage, but cellphones have the evidence to remind me the next day unfortunately. if I was drinking in a bar, I would have chatted to strangers who probably wanted to be left alone. The booze makes me think I am charming and hilarious for some reason. If i really drink a lot, I lose complete control of my actions and can become a raging lunatic.

I am a very destructive alcoholic but still kept drinking despite all the negative consequences. Thats text book alcoholism.

Seems like you still have a marriage to save, so get some help before its ruined. I waited too long and lost everything

Mountainmanbob

I drank heavily for most all of my life until I started blacking out in my late 50s. The things that I said and did convinced me that it was finally time to get serious about sobriety.

You remind me of me.

MM

fantail

Crete, along with getting support (which you can get here if you don't like AA!), what other changes do you plan to make? It's important to not only subtract the alcohol, but add other positive things as well so that you're not left with a big gaping hole in your life. I mean, realistically, it still feels like a hole at the beginning... but little by little the new things you try will help replace it. I'm at two months so I'm still very new, but exercise and new hobbies have been bringing me a lot of hope.

fantail

Also, a quote I copied out the first time I quit: "If they do stop, out of fear or whatever, they go at once into such a state of euphoria and well-being that they become over-confident. They're rid of drink, and feel sure enough of themselves to start again, promising they'll take one, at the most two, and — well, then it becomes the same old story."

That was written in 1944 (in the book, The Lost Weekend). It helps to remind me when I start to do what you mention you do (think I'm cured) that someone called my bs 40 years before I was born.

Crete211

I fortunately have a marriage still (only married 10 months) , but its going to take alot to get back what we had. She doesn't trust me at all. And I don't blame her.

Crete211

I put so much emphasis on drinking that it will be a huge hole. Thing is, I am very active, but I use that as an excuse to drink, almost justify it to myself.

I just can't get over the shame right now. I've known that I needed to stop drinking for some time and I feel helpless that I have to almost lose my marriage for me to take these steps to stop drinking.

JamesSquire

Feeling helpless is not uncommon, I feel it now too but we need to get over this because our brain gives us an easy option to opt out ... Alcohol
When I was desperate I did give up but as time went on I became complacent and the circle started again.
There's lots of info here and everyone understands how you feel.

Soberwolf

Welcome Crete

Berrybean

Not everyone 'enjoyed' AA meetings when they first went. Same as people don't always like taking medicine.

I felt uncomfortable with the formality of meetings initially - but once you know that routine it is what helps it feel like a safe place if you're feeling a bit wobbly.

That shame you talk if is something that is common to most of us, both here at SR and in the AA rooms. I arrived at sobriety dripping in it, and like a sponge it seemed to have soaked me through. I was confused as well, because along with a lot of shame I felt for things that were my fault, I'd also managed to snag some things into the bag that were not mine to feel shame over, and any part I had in these were either: holding onto the resentment and keeping a painful event part of every present day; or acting irresponsibly so I was not keeping myself safe. Anyway, for me there are two parts to the whole AA thing. The meetings are just one part. The other part is the more personal journey of discovery and recovery which is the 12-step program (for me, meeting with my sponsor at the start / end of each step and e-mailing with any questions / concerns in the meantime.

You say that you 'JUST want help, and to get your life back'. I have capitalised the word 'just' because I think these are both big and important things, and am surprised to see a 'just' inserted where it is. For me, those things were important enough for me to tolerate a little embarrassment and initial discomfort by going to meetings to get that help, even if I wasn't enjoying them (although I now look forward to them - not that they're necessarily 'fun' all the time, but I know I will leave feeling serene and strong) and to find a structured way to work at getting my life back.

Initially I did hope for an 'easier, softer way' but for me personally , it became apparent that 'easier and softer' ways generally led to painful slips along the path. There are other ways than AA which others will share information about here, but all of them are likely to include some element or another we don't relish the thought of. And then we have to decide how much we want it. If what we're striving for is worth the work, and some initial discomfort. Someone I heard likened it to a sculptor chipping away at the stone block to reveal the beautiful statue underneath. The chip, chip, chip may be painful at first, but as we start to catch a glimpse of what is being revealed we stop noticing the pain of the chip, chip, chipping and want more and more. 'Your' life, won't be exactly like it was before. It will be better: sharper and keener. But it may require humility, and an acceptance of the necessary chip, chip, chipping to get there.

Good luck Crete. However you decide to do this.

Mags1

Hi Crete, welcome to SR.

Anna

Crete, shame is one of the hooks that alcoholism uses to keep us in its clutches. Try to use the shame as a tool to motivate you. I also had blackouts at the end of my drinking days, and they were absolutely terrifying. But, the good news is, you don't have to go through that again. Many of us here do not use AA, so take a look around and see if you can find what works for you.

Nonsensical

You'll be surprised what you can find to fill that hole.

Reset

Sorry man but that right there tells me you can't really be a social drinker. Even if you go off the rails just 1 out of every 4 times you drink socially, don't you think that's a sign of a problem?

Reset

I get that. I had/have the mentality something major had to implode in order for me to wake up and get my life back in order.

But I try to remember that I didn't start off as an out-of-control alcoholic, it was a gradual process. And turning the ship around will also be a gradual process. I'm not an AA guy but the "one day at a time" mantra is useful in this way.

CaliButterfly

Hi Crete and welcome! You have definitely come to the right place for support, advice, and encouragement. I'm going to paste an earlier writing I posted to another member a few days back regarding AA.

"It's ok if you don't relate to AA. It's a great avenue for many people, but not all can get into it. I'm one of those people, and there are alternative methods to sobriety. The one that worked for me is AVRT (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique) as explained on the Rational Recovery website. It's individual-based, not requiring meetings or the admission of powerlessness. Quite the opposite. For me, it gave back my power over my AV that controlled my impulse to drink. I took the free crash course (which takes about a half hour online), and have ordered the follow up book. I'm on day 7, and have no desire to drink or even the temptation. It's not my first attempt at sobriety (I was sober for a year in late 2012 - 2013), but my first time trying an approach different than the AA route. It feels different this time, and only time will tell if this will be the type of program that sticks, but I refuse to give up. Keep trying until you find what works for you."

I am now at day 9 with no sign of slowing down. I feel empowered instead of a victim. I have control of my future and feel better about it every day. You have recognized and acknowledged your weakness which is the first step. I assure you, the hole you think will be created by giving up drinking will be quickly replaced with positive memories. Yes, memories. I hated waking up in the morning not remembering what happened the night before and having mysterious bruises. It's scary to give up and I was hesitant myself, but it is soooo worth it. And I'm guessing you think your relationship with your wife is also. Don't let your relationship with alcohol take her away. That would be something you would have a hard time ever forgiving yourself for. We're all here for you, just hang in there.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Crete!!

ccam1973

Welcome Crete. Time and your decision to quit will take care of the shame if you stick to it.

Take it one day at a time and focus on what you can control right now. What's done is done. To get your life back on track, don't drink, not now, not today, not tonight, just don't drink. Easier said than done, I know, but it is doable. Plenty of us here never thought we could do it either, but guess what... we are making it happen with a lot of hard work.

I think you will find that you will be so much happier without everything that alcohol brings into your life.

Welcome aboard.