Advice for partner of addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: VA
Posts: 2
Advice for partner of addict
I am a 27-year-old woman who has been in a committed relationship for the past five years with 'B', we'll call him.
B is seven years older than me and has been a truck driver since he was a teenager. A lifestyle that certainly took some adjusting to, but I learned how to keep myself happy being alone all of the time, maintaining close friendships and adopting new hobbies.
Yesterday, during our routine lunchtime phone call on my break at work, I felt something was 'a little more off' than usual with him. When I asked if there was anything on his mind, he replied simply, "yes." What totaled a 20-minute conversation turned my life upside down to hear him admit to me that he's been a drug addict for the past three years.
So many emotions ran through me at once, and I guess you could say my initial response may not have come across as 'loving and fully supportive.' As heartbroken and astonished as I was to hear this, I can't say there wasn't a part of me, no matter how small, that wasn't necessarily that surprised. The last year especially, B's behavior has become erradic, impulsive, distant and verbally abusive. He's become especially quick to overreact in very angry ways over seemingly simple issues. And, once hearing of this addiciton, did explain some of the change of behavior and attitude. The verbal abuse with B has been in addition to him not coming home for days at a time, not talking to me very much at all and making me constantly question 'What in the world am I doing wrong here?"
I can't help but feel a sense of betrayal. Utter heartache. Thoughts rushed through my mind of 'How do we ever come back from this? How could I ever trust him again..with anything? Has anything been 'real' for the past three years?" After not speaking with each other after he hung up on me saying 'your reaction has been the most negative and I can't deal with you right now", we finally spoke briefly after about 30 hours of no communication. He seemed confused as to what else I needed to hear him say. My thought process over the not speaking time was that he needed to seek recovery, while understanding that would have to be something he wanted to do for himself. I don't come from a family of addiction and have never seen myself as one to 'tolerate' drug abuse, especially in a partner.
B's drug use, he explained, started with cocaine, then percocet and most recently Adderall for the past year.
In the brief conversation we just had this evening, I asked him if he was willing to seek help for recovery, to which he very bluntly replied "absolutely not, this is me and my deal, and I've got this." Again, understanding that B has to want to change and better himself, I know that the decision is up to me whether or not I stay and try to trust him and support him, or leave now. Leaving now would be for fear that he truly feels he can handle this on his own, true words from an addict, and continues to abuse drugs and the worst scenarios happen, i.e., wrecking his truck, overdosing or becoming physically violent with me.
I am so torn with what decision is truly the best. Knowing that I am the only one who can make said decision, my very compassionate and forgiving personality just wants to 'fix him' and be happy again. I have all of the faith in the world with NA, AA and therapy. But I know I can't make 'B' see the true value in help. I'm not willing to live with a drug addict and watch him continue to destroy his life and have the possibility of him destroying mine as well.
I hate to sound naieve or cynical. But I'm truly heartbroken and torn with this issue. And advice or support would be greatly appreciated.
B is seven years older than me and has been a truck driver since he was a teenager. A lifestyle that certainly took some adjusting to, but I learned how to keep myself happy being alone all of the time, maintaining close friendships and adopting new hobbies.
Yesterday, during our routine lunchtime phone call on my break at work, I felt something was 'a little more off' than usual with him. When I asked if there was anything on his mind, he replied simply, "yes." What totaled a 20-minute conversation turned my life upside down to hear him admit to me that he's been a drug addict for the past three years.
So many emotions ran through me at once, and I guess you could say my initial response may not have come across as 'loving and fully supportive.' As heartbroken and astonished as I was to hear this, I can't say there wasn't a part of me, no matter how small, that wasn't necessarily that surprised. The last year especially, B's behavior has become erradic, impulsive, distant and verbally abusive. He's become especially quick to overreact in very angry ways over seemingly simple issues. And, once hearing of this addiciton, did explain some of the change of behavior and attitude. The verbal abuse with B has been in addition to him not coming home for days at a time, not talking to me very much at all and making me constantly question 'What in the world am I doing wrong here?"
I can't help but feel a sense of betrayal. Utter heartache. Thoughts rushed through my mind of 'How do we ever come back from this? How could I ever trust him again..with anything? Has anything been 'real' for the past three years?" After not speaking with each other after he hung up on me saying 'your reaction has been the most negative and I can't deal with you right now", we finally spoke briefly after about 30 hours of no communication. He seemed confused as to what else I needed to hear him say. My thought process over the not speaking time was that he needed to seek recovery, while understanding that would have to be something he wanted to do for himself. I don't come from a family of addiction and have never seen myself as one to 'tolerate' drug abuse, especially in a partner.
B's drug use, he explained, started with cocaine, then percocet and most recently Adderall for the past year.
In the brief conversation we just had this evening, I asked him if he was willing to seek help for recovery, to which he very bluntly replied "absolutely not, this is me and my deal, and I've got this." Again, understanding that B has to want to change and better himself, I know that the decision is up to me whether or not I stay and try to trust him and support him, or leave now. Leaving now would be for fear that he truly feels he can handle this on his own, true words from an addict, and continues to abuse drugs and the worst scenarios happen, i.e., wrecking his truck, overdosing or becoming physically violent with me.
I am so torn with what decision is truly the best. Knowing that I am the only one who can make said decision, my very compassionate and forgiving personality just wants to 'fix him' and be happy again. I have all of the faith in the world with NA, AA and therapy. But I know I can't make 'B' see the true value in help. I'm not willing to live with a drug addict and watch him continue to destroy his life and have the possibility of him destroying mine as well.
I hate to sound naieve or cynical. But I'm truly heartbroken and torn with this issue. And advice or support would be greatly appreciated.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi and Welcome,
I'm sorry for your situation. Abuse of any kind is completely unacceptable to me, and that includes verbal abuse.
I hope that you are able to find support for yourself.
I'm sorry for your situation. Abuse of any kind is completely unacceptable to me, and that includes verbal abuse.
I hope that you are able to find support for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I think you know what the answer is to this, with the way things stand at present. While he's not willing to seek help the chances are that things will get a lot worse before they improve.
I would suggest approaching al-anon or similar yourself, to get the support (practical advice as well as emotional support) that will help get you through this bleak time. On the website it says 'alcohol addiction' and alcoholic but the support principle is the same, and I am sure they will help. The thing is, sacraficing yourself won't make him any more likely to recover. He has to be ready and willing to do it himself. It's like riding a bike - each of us has to find the balance of living sober for ourselves. No matter how much someone loves us they can't find our balance for us. And if we don't want to balance, then it won't happen.
Please, don't waste time and energy going over and over about your reaction, Maybe it wasn't what he most wanted to hear. But your reaction is just what it is. Perhaps he could have found a better way of telling you. Sitting you down and broaching the subject more sensitively for a start off if he wanted you to react in a grateful (for telling you) and loving way. You are not his carer. Only HE can do that. Please don't get hi-jacked by his addiction. Seek out that support.
B x
I would suggest approaching al-anon or similar yourself, to get the support (practical advice as well as emotional support) that will help get you through this bleak time. On the website it says 'alcohol addiction' and alcoholic but the support principle is the same, and I am sure they will help. The thing is, sacraficing yourself won't make him any more likely to recover. He has to be ready and willing to do it himself. It's like riding a bike - each of us has to find the balance of living sober for ourselves. No matter how much someone loves us they can't find our balance for us. And if we don't want to balance, then it won't happen.
Please, don't waste time and energy going over and over about your reaction, Maybe it wasn't what he most wanted to hear. But your reaction is just what it is. Perhaps he could have found a better way of telling you. Sitting you down and broaching the subject more sensitively for a start off if he wanted you to react in a grateful (for telling you) and loving way. You are not his carer. Only HE can do that. Please don't get hi-jacked by his addiction. Seek out that support.
B x
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi and welcome .
I endorse what BB posted above. No one can fix an alcoholic or someone addicted to drugs. They have WANT to do it themselves. I strongly suggest you exploring a bunch of Al Anon meetings in your area and the Friends and Family forum on this site. You may probably not like a lot of what you hear however try to remember these people have lived what you’re starting to go through and want to help each other with their experiences.
BE WELL
I endorse what BB posted above. No one can fix an alcoholic or someone addicted to drugs. They have WANT to do it themselves. I strongly suggest you exploring a bunch of Al Anon meetings in your area and the Friends and Family forum on this site. You may probably not like a lot of what you hear however try to remember these people have lived what you’re starting to go through and want to help each other with their experiences.
BE WELL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: VA
Posts: 2
Thank you for the replies. When I try to keep the most rational mind I can in this situation, I think I do really know, deep, deep down inside of me what I really need to do. Obviously not the easiest choice to make. But I know I need to stay firm in my feelings of not wanting to be treated poorly any longer and not wanting to see him continue to deteriorate in many ways.
I think finding addict support groups in my area will be beneficial. I wanted to start here to make sure if I did get responses, they weren't of people telling me my reaction and thought process was crazy (not that I truly thought that it was). I think I just want to hear that it'll all be okay.. but maybe that was in a dream..
Thanks again for the replies and advice.
I think finding addict support groups in my area will be beneficial. I wanted to start here to make sure if I did get responses, they weren't of people telling me my reaction and thought process was crazy (not that I truly thought that it was). I think I just want to hear that it'll all be okay.. but maybe that was in a dream..
Thanks again for the replies and advice.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Advice.....
BELIEVE HIM!!!!!!
I think an in person support group will benefit you greatly. Along with continuing to post here.
I am sorry for what brought you here, it stinks I know – been there done that!
I asked him if he was willing to seek help for recovery, to which he very bluntly replied "absolutely not, this is me and my deal, and I've got this."
I think an in person support group will benefit you greatly. Along with continuing to post here.
I am sorry for what brought you here, it stinks I know – been there done that!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Lulu88 
...I think I just want to hear that it'll all be okay.. but maybe that was in a dream..
Can I leave you the serenity prayer (that we use in AA) - it's got me through some really wobbly times...
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
You cannot control him or his addiction, but with courage you can take yourself to a safe and happy future, away from verbal abuse and an emotionally unavailable partner. Take courage. *hug*
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Best of luck Lulu. Some good advise here. I agree, you can't change him or the situation. Depending on how much and how often he is using, he is speaking through his addiction. I know when I was drinking, I was always speaking through my addiction... I could convince myself what I was saying was the truth, but in reality, it was just a deception.
As the other's have said, you probably know what you have to do. A tough decision, but one that will save you and may save your husband from any more destruction.
Well done on coming here for advice.
As the other's have said, you probably know what you have to do. A tough decision, but one that will save you and may save your husband from any more destruction.
Well done on coming here for advice.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
Did you talk to him about what you experienced when he is using (now you know that he is using). Did you explain the verbal abuse?
An addict may be able to fix themselves by themselves but that wasnt possible for me. Maybe he can. Im not sure that making a decision after you talk over the phone is the most thought out reaction. Yes, I know you are upset, unhappy, etc but I think a face to face conversation might be good. Maybe in a park at a picnic table in public so you dont have to be afraid about physical abuse. If he starts verbally abusing you, you can walk away.
But thats just my opinion. Im not one to make a decision without at least exploring options and having a heart to heart talk.
An addict may be able to fix themselves by themselves but that wasnt possible for me. Maybe he can. Im not sure that making a decision after you talk over the phone is the most thought out reaction. Yes, I know you are upset, unhappy, etc but I think a face to face conversation might be good. Maybe in a park at a picnic table in public so you dont have to be afraid about physical abuse. If he starts verbally abusing you, you can walk away.
But thats just my opinion. Im not one to make a decision without at least exploring options and having a heart to heart talk.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
