InTheEnd

Today is day 38! Though this isn't the first time I've tried, the other attempts never made it over the two week mark, so I have to say I'm pretty darn happy about 38!

Anyway, I have noticed it's quite different this time mentally. I was ready, REALLY ready. Not just hungover real bad one day and felt guilty at that moment.....not because I made a complete ass of myself and was feeling shame the next morning....but I think my drinking had run its course, in a sense.

Before this "quit" time and many years ago, I'd think I should quit drinking, cut back, just do something about it but not very seriously, unless I had a REALLY bad night. But, after a few days I could look back and think "Life would be no fun without it.", "What about happy hour?" "My friends....I lose them all!" "Everyone gets too drunk at times, its really no big deal"....so I kept on down my drinking road.

Fast forward a few more drinking years, and all that no longer mattered. I kept drinking, "having fun" (so I thought), hitting happy hours, partying with my friends" but it was different. I was getting sloppy. I would get belligerent. So, instead of blaming the drink, I would still go "have fun" but always leave early (most times I should say) so not to embarrass myself, and I could get home and really tie one on and be "free to be me".

So, no longer was I ashamed or feeling guilty for my actions in public. I no longer had a public life to be embarrassed by....

Then, fast forward a few more drinking years.....I don't go out really at all anymore. I've not many friends to speak at this time either because I don't trust myself out and they just don't drink enough for me. I've decided it's better for me to just stay home and drink alone. Much better plan than having a life without alcohol, so I thought in my boozed soaked mind. So lonely, so quilt ridden, so ashamed, but I did it night after night.

So, when I used to be able to look back and daydream about my past "fun" drinking times, thats no longer what I see. When I do look back, I see darkness, loneliness, sadness, anger, and just all around self loathing. As of now being 38 days sober, it seems that it took me 10 years of major emotional pain, suffering and isolation with my wine to make me see that alcohol will be the death of me....or worse, I could live a loooooong life like this and be miserable for 30 more years alone.

In some weird way, I appreciate that last 10 years being miserable....it made me stop. My only regret now is that it took all this time to realize life doesn't have to suck and be full of guilt, shame, and drinking.

scaredikklegoth

I'm very new to all this so probs have no idea what I'm on about but I think that all sounds very positive and that you're doing well. Congratulations!

FarToGo

thanks for sharing and 38 days is good stuff, and clearly long enough for some valuable reflection. I can relate to a lot of it, particularly the isolating because I too wanted to get home early and REALLY drink, not just the self conscious, making sure I didn't out drink others stuff, then don't bother going out cos it's too much effort pretending to be a normal drinker.
I also wish I'd stopped earlier, especially for my daughters sake or to undo some of the rubbish relationship decisions I've made............. BUT, we're here now, we're doing well. Let's be proud!
Be well x

entropy1964

This is such a great post. I am right where you are. Done. Of course I've been done before, have had many stretches of abstinence, as long as two years. But this time I'm done today. That thinking has never really worked for me. I've always had 'goals' of some kind...a year, two years, 90 days, whatever. I also had the goal of being recovered. Yup cured. Not so I could drink again, but so I didn't have to think about it anymore. That didn't work either. I'm working hard to cast off guilt and shame and just stay in the present moment. Its working for now..been dry since June 12th this time.

I am relatively new to this forum. I'm seeing so much relapsing and it breaks my heart. But I know that folks have to go through what they must. I certainly am that way. Its just sad that so many of us have to lose so much to finally give up the fight and accept that drink isn't an option. Addiction is such a baffling condition. The more I know, the less I know. The more I try new 'plans' the more I realize, simply don't drink. Ever.

Findingtheway

Congratulations on 38 sober days.

I'm sensing A LOT of awareness in your posting. That was key for me, even when my mind tries to lure me back to drinking.

I'm aware that it led to chaos, unexpected hospitalization visits (Scariest thing I've ever had to live through...Waking up there and NOT knowing how i got there. Truly terrifying.

And well...A whole lot of terrible situations. I don't need to live that life anymore...Nor do i want to.

You're on a much better path. Stick to it. At ALL costs.

ajr91

WHAT A WONDERFUL POST AND CONGRATS ON 38 DAYS.

The whole first piece is everything I am experiencing at this moment. "What about happy hour?" Losing all of my friends?? Especially the drive to do something about my drinking only after having experienced another belligerent night.

Thank you for sharing and being so easy to relate to. Truly adds sunlight to the darkness I see around me right now.

Good luck! Proud of you!

PurpleKnight

Day 38 is fantastic!! Keep pushing through!!

ccam1973

Outstanding job on 38 days Intheend! You're on your way, it only gets better from here.