entropy1964

Yes SD...I think it is. I do have a few spotty memories before 8, but they aren't good ones. Kind of like pictures of traumatic events that keep popping back into my mind at unwanted times. High School is more clear...I think once I could truly take care of myself, my memory is more intact.

FreeOwl

I have a friend who is a neuro-scientist / PhD researcher in neuro-psych.

Yesterday we went for a run and were talking about this very thing. I have huge gaps. Years of my life where I may have a few random collections of memory but I struggle to recall anything much. He offered an interesting alternative to the common notion of "blocking it out".

From a neurological standpoint, what's happening in late childhood and the teen years is that the brain is developing more and more connections. It is a very active period when neural pathways are vibrant and growing and the tendrils of the brain's neurons and axons and dendrites are zipping and zapping and growing. The learning process and the process of memory formation is built around this growth and the more connections that are made, the more firmly-rooted become the memories.

A couple possibilities extend from this notion; that unless events are very important, significant, meaningful, formative, enjoyable, etc... they are less apt to become 'hard wired' through actually physical connections between regions in the brain. Then, if we layer atop that whole process the idea that we began adding alcohol and drugs in the mix - there is the possibility that such connections got 'short circuited' or blanked right out by the introduction of numbing, stunting, blotting chemicals into our brains. It made a lot of sense and I'd never really considered it from that angle before.

It still bothers me that I have these huge gaps in my own memory... but it makes sense and helps alleviate some of the wondering "gee... am I blotting out some terrible, awful thin???". When in fact there is a good chance that it's kind of the opposite.... rather than "blotting out" - in all likelihood it's more a matter of having not been in a position to "wire IN" - due to the way I lived my young life and the alcohol and drug use.

This also makes sense when I look to my CURRENT adult life and see that I still have memory challenges - both long and short term. After your mid-twenties, the brain's ability to create new pathways and connections slows way down. The sheathing on neural paths grows thicker and more efficient - but the cross-wiring between regions is now harder to do and less bountiful. SO - the lack of those pathways from the fact they didn't get wired in during youthful development is likely to continue to have a negative effect on the adult life - even now that I am sober. My brain, through my own abuse, simply lacks those connections..... and may never get them back.

entropy1964

Thanks JK. Its funny you perceive I'm resilient because I don't feel I am at all....at least not while drinking. Alcohol takes away any coping skills I may have. But fortunately abstinence helps them return.

My childhood was very confusing. My parents aren't bad people, just sick people. They were too busy with their own stuff to be there for us. Especially the two youngest....With respect to my parenting, I've tried to be a very loving and accepting parent. I have fallen short because of my periodic benders. All I can do is be honest, change and get her help with understanding alcoholism. I hope its working.

entropy1964

Hi FreeOwl

I am very interested in neurology, although not as eloquent as you are I understand what you are saying and I'm sure a lot of memory loss is due to normal brain development. My daughter, for instance, is beginning to lose memories of things before the age of 9...which until a couple of years ago were still there for her. But she still remembers teachers, friends, and a lot of things from about 2 on.

I have nothing, or almost nothing, before the age of 8...before the introduction of any alcohol/drugs. I have flashbacks of sexual abuse and being shut in my closet. I remember nothing, and I mean nothing, of elementary school (K-6). I don't remember one single teacher, class, event, halloween, xmas, birthday. Nothing. I'm not sure that's normal. The way I learned this is last Thanksgiving my then bf and his brothers were all trading stories about childhood...stuff from being very young. I was completely amazed they had any memories. They were equally amazed that I told them I had none.

Interesting my memories become more clear after 13 or so. And during high school I smoked a lot (and I mean a lot) of pot. Not so much drinking. College is clear...more drinking. 20's, clear....lots more drinking. 30's very clear....even more drinking. By 40 I'm a full blown alchie....pretty clear...although not quite as...black outs didn't start for me until a few years ago. That's when I quit for almost 2 years. I did have brown outs before that however.

I have PTSD and GAD. You could be right that my memory block is normal. I'm not so sure though. I watched my husband die almost 4 years ago. I remember his death like it happened yesterday...in color and great detail. But I have zero memory of the 3 weeks after that. But the funeral perfectly. Then nothing for several months. Anyway, its interesting stuff. Thanks for the input.

FreeOwl

I'm certainly no expert... and I'm sure that there's no one simple answer to these types of memory challenges. Certainly, those of us who suffered early traumas have added layers of complexity involved.

Trauma creates physical impact in the body... it generates hormonal responses, floods the brain with chemicals, does things to the developmental processes that probably aren't well-understood.

For me, the takeaway from these discussions and considerations is that there is probably a reasonable, logical, 'normal' explanation for my frustrating issues around memory... and that rather than despair of it or beat myself up over it or allow it to contribute to a feeling of being 'broken' or 'lesser' - I can look to these pieces of information as a means of saying "this is simply how it is and what has been part of my path.... and that's OK...."

entropy1964

Yes I agree. Probably good I don't remember a lot!

scaredikklegoth

I started drinking at 14 and it quickly became my main social activity. I have various mental health issues and the booze helped, or seemed to help, me overcome certain things.

There's a lot of addiction in my family. Every single branch there are drug addicts and alcoholics and I just wandered down that same road. Most of my childhood was spent hanging out in the pub with my family and so it just felt like our way of life.

Eventually, once I am sober and healthy, I would like to have children and I hope that I can make things different for them.

PurpleKnight

I first got drunk at the age of 12yrs old with my dad, it was on red wine and the hangover was horrific the next day!!

. . . So yeah . . . don't do that as a parent!!