dunkelheit

I was talking to my friend who's also an alcoholic today, when I accidentally insulted him. He posted a photo of himself taken while he was out of his mind intoxicated, and I said it was a terrible selfie. That's all I said, and he called me a "half-witted gutter creature." I didn't even know it was him because we've never actually met, and he usually uses photos of registered sex offenders as facebook profile photos. What on earth? He apparently drank about 2.5 litres of wine before we started talking, and I asked him if he was going to call me a "trailer ****" earlier in the conversation because that's what he called my other friend a few days ago for a stupid, immature reason, while drunk. I can't help but wonder if he would have dumped me if he was sober. Doesn't matter, he never is. I told him to talk to me when he wasn't drunk, but I'm already blocked.

I'm pretty depressed now. We had been friends for 5 years, and as far as I can tell, I only have 1 true friend left. I just suck at making/keeping friends which is the main reason I'm always depressed. I basically feel completely alienated from the rest of humanity, so my messed-up friend(s) are all I have. This beyond sucks.

I'm not saying that I'm suicidal, but I don't know why I keep going on like this. I hate it. All I ever wanted was a real friend, but I made 3 total over the course of my entire life. One killed herself, one dumped me over a stupid, drunken photo, and my last remaining friend only wants to see me once a year. It's difficult to find a reason to improve your life when you have nothing and nobody.

I don't care anymore. I'm just going to forget my misery for one more night. I'm basically staring at walls and going insane, so self-medication is saving my life at this point.

dunkelheit

This is so screwed up. I don't want to admit that I'm dependent on other people for my sanity, or that I'm desperate, but it's true. I am really prone to psychotic depression, and I'm off my meds, so I feel as though things are going to spiral out of control soon.

Dee74

with all the kindness I can muster, you need some new friends dunkelheit.

The more I drank the more wild, unpredictable, volatile and distasteful my 'friends' got.

I found a class of friends I deserved when I sobered up and rediscovered the real me.

I really think you deserve better.

Are you off the drink right now?

Meraviglioso

Hm. This sounds like a really tough spot to be in. I don't know you or your friend and I really, really try to avoid being judgmental but this friend of yours doesn't sound like the nicest or most stable person.
I get that you want to connect with someone, but I also know that there are many more people out there that would probably be healthier and happier influences in your life.
It sounds like a lot of these friends are via the internet, am I correct? Do you have any face to face contact with anyone? Have you considered involving yourself in a group (AA would be a good idea…) or something where people that are more emotionally stable hang out? Friends that "dump" you over a photo or say mean things to you are not really the best source of support.
You might write back and say you have tried or you have social anxiety and don't want to get out, I do hope you write back with more information because it is hard to offer up suggestions without knowing more.
Drinking is NOT going to make anything better though. I know it feels like the only thing left to turn to but really, things can get better if you get yourself clean. Getting yourself clean means an extended time of sobriety, it doesn't happen overnight. Unfortunately you have to go through some uncomfortable symptoms and emotions to get there. It is worth it though.

Just two things I could suggest to you to feel less alone, both of which can be accessed in the privacy of your own home via the internet. If you have Facebook, go and read the posts on Humans of New York. You will see so many stories of heartache and loss, hope and healing, shame and self esteem, it is a fabulous page. The other is PostSecret Where people mail in their secrets on the back of a postcard. Both of these sites will give you glimpses of people who have it worse, better and the same as you. You will feel less alone.

IOAA2

Hi.
My suggestion is plug the jug on a permanent basis as a positive step. Drinking never gave me a way out of any situation and usually made things (ME) worse.
Most of us need to stop being isolated and be part of society like it or not.

All this takes work and change. I needed to be honest about my drinking, care and accept I cannot drink in safety.
This takes time but the rewards are well worth it.

BE WELL

trachemys

dunkel, now you have us. We will be here whenever you need us. There's 150,000 here to be here for you any time of day or night.

dunkelheit

I'm not off completely, but I literally only drank a bottle of wine over the past two weeks, well within weekly and daily limits.

I'm an ******* in general, it doesn't matter if I'm sober or not. I don't know how much of my personality is a mental disorder, but there is a creepy degree of similarity between myself and the friends I was able to make. That's both simultaneously comforting and disconcerting. The problem is my friends are as unstable and miserable as I am. I'm not creating a false persona just to make superficial friends who would ditch me in a second if they saw who I really am.

I can't go to AA, I'm an existential nihilist. Possibly the worst philosophical view to have when you're chronically depressed, but I can't believe in anything else. My doctor from 2014/2015 diagnosed me with something that isn't in the DSM-V, but part of it is feeling disconnected from humanity, depression, and lacking in a belief system. I didn't need a diagnosis to know that about myself. Again, not sure how much of me is a mental disorder.

Correct, facebook is my only contact with other humans.

ScottFromWI

Nothing will get better until you stop drinking dunkel, it's as simple as that. You have many other issues to sort out, but if you continue to drink nothing will change. I'd suggest taking a break from social media too.

Soberwolf

What D & Scott said

Berrybean

Hmmm - as part of my AA step work I did some stuff on what I consider healthy loving relationships to be like. I really think it might be worth considering what you consider friendship to be; and what your expectations and boundaries are for friendships. A Facebook 'Friend' is not necessarily a real 'friend' but a mere acquaintance. If he does not add you back to his friendship list, what will you actually be missing? What I mean here is: Are you upset at the rejection; or are you upset because you like him and value his friendship?


Many people who struggle with addictions of all kinds have difficulties forming and maintaining healthy relationships (me being one of those) - I have met many people who have found it helpful to explore Codependency information in order to understand why they feel and behave as they do; and how to move forward. I'm doing this through CoDa. It might be worth a look at their list of characteristic of a codependent person to see if some of them ring true, and if so, make use of the help that is available.

In the meantime, try to remember some examples of times that you have rashly dismissed someone; made silly decisions; or sabotaged relationships while drunk. It sounds to me like their actions are a result of their drinking rather than with you. I suspect that they were a little embarrassed to be reminded of the conflict with your other friend, and feels a little indignant that you've been discussing what he said to insult her. Shame turning to embarrassment turning to indignance turning to anger. That's the kind of negative emotion transference that I can do in the blink of an eye if I'm put on the spot.

Mountainmanbob

Some (so called) friends only wish to cause others pain.
Usually best to stay far away from these ones.
MM

FreeAssociation

I am just picking up a couple things - your user name means "darkness" in German. You said you are an "existential nihilist". You claim you are depressed, mentally ill, lonely, addicted, alienated, hate everyone, have no friends... I wonder if you are pushing people away to suit the image of yourself that you have created. It is hard to be friends with those who may want to be friends yet create a environment/persona that doesn't allow it. Maybe this is where you want to be right now?

Aellyce

I find the insights in Beccybean's and FreeAssociation's posts especially interesting and worthy of consideration. I definitely got stuck in my self-imposed darkness and nihilism when I was drinking heavily, in my worst periods. Depression with psychotic features as well. And I wanted more or less nothing else but expand all that and pull other people into it with me, a lot of it online and in the end almost exclusively in the virtual world or even if not, it resembled more a fantasy world than the reality I much prefer to live in now. And while I did not always recognize it in the moment, most of the "friends" I had during those times mirrored my own state very well -- that was also how we tended to find each-other, looking for the familiar. I think relationships and ways of interaction we choose at a given time closely reflect ourselves at least in some aspects, and unless we have done some serious exploration and work on this, we are often not aware of it so we keep repeating it also because we are not equipped with the skills to establish and cultivate good boundaries and inhibitions. If these are long-standing patterns, I think we very rarely are able to break it on our own -- just like a substance addiction. It was a challenge for me to change it in sobriety and it took time and some external help. Not the "help" of those friends I gravitated to as part of a maladaptive pattern. And it would have never worked to change this in any effective form while still drinking or using drugs.

SnoozyQ

The sex offender thing is a worry. Find yourself so,me decent friendships on here , there are plenty to be had :-)

Always someone to chat to day or night.

Move on, good luck .

dunkelheit

My subculture is loosely based on nihilism and darkness. It's the basis of my art. I pretty much have no chance of fitting in anywhere else anyway, because I was self-mutilating for years before I started drinking and doing drugs. I cut myself thousands of times when I was younger, so now I'm clearly a depressive addict for life. I don't hate myself, and I don't want to die, I'm just hopelessly empty. I lost my fiance, my home, and now one of my best friends due to alcoholism (presumably), and mental illness.

I'm in therapy now, but I don't know what difference more introspection is going to make. I have all the time in the world for introspection. I like myself a lot, so I'm not sure what I want to change, except for maybe being less impulsive and angry.

I didn't just like him because he was there, I liked him because he had good advice, he made me laugh, I could tell him anything and not be judged harshly, we went to the same university, had the same political views, etc. He felt like a long lost relative or something, so I am deeply troubled by the fact that he'd insult and drop me over a terrible, drunk selfie. No one looks better when they're faced, so I don't even know why he was so offended, unless he has deep-seated self-esteem issues of which I was unaware.

I'm probably not going to stop drinking guys. I'm not drinking as often, or as much, so that's fine for me for now. If I really wanted to start drinking heavily again, the trigger would not be having a glass of wine or 2, it would be whatever else was going on at the time that made me feel like forgetting about reality. So if I start drinking every night again, it's because I have other problems. I just hope I don't turn into an illogical dick to all my friends like that guy did. He dropped a 10 year friendship with my best just for letting the wrong guy sleep in her trailer. I don't know if all the substance abuse is catching up with him, or why he's so volatile right now, but it's not cool.

Berrybean

???

It sounds like actually you know quite a few things you'd like to change. But your AV is telling you it's pointless and impossible, and that alcohol is your only reliable friend. Our AV's a big fat liars.

Meraviglioso

You've been given some great insights and advice here, I hope you will take the time to read and re-read and honestly consider what has been presented before you.
It sounds like you have a number of things to tackle before you find yourself in a healthier and happier place. Cutting out the alcohol completely will be a good step in the right direction.
I would highly suggest seeking out a psychologist if you are not already seeing one. Your problems are not unique and thousands upon thousands if not millions upon millions have found their way out of the dark hole of depression. You certainly can too. It will take effort on your part though. Posting here is a great step. Taking an active role in your mental wellbeing and aggressively advocating for yourself is going to take energy and courage but you need to find it in you to do so.

You say you are on- or are currently off- your meds which must mean you have a doctor. Whether that be a general practitioner or a psychiatrist, why don't you call them for a new appointment and tell them what you are feeling. Maybe the meds given to you do't work for you. It sometimes takes a lot of trial and error to find the right drug or combination of drugs that are right. What works for one person might not work for another. You have a right to insist that they keep trying to find the right combo/dosage.
Next, you sound pretty adept at using the internet, how about searching for a recovery group other than AA in your area? There are options outside of AA for group based recovery. Being around people who at a minimum share that one common trait might be a good start in getting out of the virtual world of the internet and into the real world and testing the waters with face to face interaction.
I get that you are angry and hate everyone. From what you have written you have a lot of reasons to be angry. But you also say you really desire human connection and friendship. Just remember, being mean and snappy (like your "friend" you mentioned above) is no way to make new friends. Try getting to a group meeting, keeping and open mind and being nice while there, even if participating minimally.

AnvilheadII

i should think common sense would say get back ON your meds AND quit drinking. therapy can't help much if you aren't setting yourself up to be successful.

Meraviglioso

Hi, sorry for my repetitive questions, I see you posted just as I did.
BeccyBean has offered you some really dead on advice and insights in this thread. Again, re-read through her and other posts and let them sink in. You can get out of this hole if you want to.

Meraviglioso

Excellent point!