Roxyblues

Really bumming out right now. I have been in and out of AA since 1983 and my disease is killing me and everything I love and care about.

I used pain killers for many years to control my drinking. Stopped those in 2011. Found Vodka straight out of the bottle about 2 years ago and since that time I binge for a few weeks, then get sober for 30 to 90 days and binge again.

I have been drinking throughout the day at work for the last of weeks

Wife, whom I adore, begged me to stop on Thursday after being up crying all night Wednesday. Our 3 1/2 year old was sick on Thursday. I started drinking early in the am if for no other reason to stop withdrawals or hang over feeling.

Thursday I left work and ended up in a strip club of all places. Wife tried to call about 30 times, sent a bunch text and wanted me to come home and help with the baby. I did not answer or respond.

I showed up around 1:00. The door was locked and a suit case was on the porch. I forced my way in through the inner door from the garage.

She called cops and had already called them to tell them to look for my orange sports car cruising around town with a drunk driver.

Cops showed and she left. Nothing happened to me except the two people I adore most in this world walked out of my life.

Neither my wife not I have any confidence I can stay sober. She wants to move on and spend her life with normal people and get out of my drama. I totally get that.

I also think I suck in relationships sober or no sober. I have that alcoholic gene bad.

Kind of in withdrawals and have a really hard work week ahead.

I want to give up on life so bad. Tired of constant disappointment, failure and loneliness.

I purchased another bottle if Vodka last night, but just dumped it out. This has to stop. Want to die, but afraid to kill myself and I still hang on to hope that my life can turn around.

afloatsober

Know how you feel and our journeys have been so much the same that it is strange to identify so completely. Only real difference is that i kept drinking right on through and 'giving it all away' until i had lost family, home, job the lot except my own life force. They told me in hospitals and rehabs that that was pretty much used up also.

Sober today tho and to a certain extent have rebuilt. I am working, have a good partner and have regained some self respect.

Still mostly dissatisfied tho, with the 'old ideas' about my place in the world, my self worth (or lack of) and my old feelings that i have no control anymore overwhelming my need to make more changes.

This wont do. Time for me to challenge those old ideas about myself. Understand that i have been living a fiction oft suggested or perpetuated by others, and to stop acting the victim.

Not easy, but to be contented in sobriety demands that i unravel some stuff, facing up to it, and finding out how to change it.

Then doing it. As is often suggested here 'nothing changes if nothing changes'.

Wish we well on my continuing journey as i do you on yours.

You can change your life and self (with help) just as i can.

But we need to be willing, determined and brave as we can be.

GX

Dee74

Welcome back Roxy - I moved your thread here to Newcomers for more response

I think there comes a point where we have to stop straddling the fence and decide if we're for recovery or not.

sounds like you have some pretty compelling reasons to quit.

the bottom line is what are you prepared to do to quit and stay quit Roxy?

MIRecovery

The big question is are you willing to do absolutely anything to get and stay sober?

ccam1973

Welcome back Roxy. I think you know the ball is in your court. I think most of us here have the "alcoholic gene pretty bad"... That's why we are here. You've got to decide what you want out of your life. Then man up and make it happen. Make it happen minute by minute and start by not drinking.

I was on the verge of loosing everything. I know the path I was on would have lead to my death because of drinking.

The good news is anyone can change and get their lives back. There are plenty of stories here of people who are living proof.

Like Dee said, you're going to have to make some hard decisions to make this happen. What are you prepared to do to get your life back?

Lean on us as much as you need.

Welcome aboard.

D122y

Roxy,

Way, way out of my league on this.

Your testimony is heart wrenching.

The only thing I believe that really works in a case like yours is found in the AA BB.

Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous

Posted w permission AAWS Inc.

Bills Story, Pg. 13, Para 2.

Bill had problems like you.

I can empathize w the suicidal feeling some drunks get. The continual anxiety and depression, caused by the kindling and PAWS, is maddening.

Hope that short read I offered flips the switch like it did in me and Bill. Let the higher power take charge of this situation. With His help, you can start today living a life of proud sobriety. Alcohol is poisen.

IOAA2

Hi.
Will you believe all this turmoil can stop with the simple act, tho not easy, of just not having a drink one day at a time in a row.

Many have succeeded with help here and AA which offer support and encouragement. There are a few simple things that help a lot. I needed to get honest about my drinking and accept the fact I cannot drink one day at a time in a row.
Alcohol is progressive, powerful, baffling, cunning and insidious.
It takes work and change to be successful in recovery but the rewards are certainly worth it.

JOIN US AND BE WELL

ScottFromWI

I would hit a meeting today and check into rehab options. There is a better life for you if you want it. We can help too, stick around SR with all your might.

Soberwolf

Welcome bk Roxy

entropy1964

Hi Roxy

Your story is textbook progressive, probably now late stage alcoholism. If you continue, it will get worse. There is no negotiating that with alcohol. Just is. The cool part is you DO have choices. The choice not to ever take that first drink again. You won't have to resist all the others, the benders, the bad choices, the lying to, and hurting of your family. Just say no to drink 1...everyday.
I'm not good with relationships either. Mostly because I don't have a good relationship with me.
Good on you for dumping the vodka. You have to make a choice each day to not drink, the days add up, life gets better. You know this. Now its up to you. How low do you want to go?

Venecia

^^^^^ That.

You have a heck of a lot on the line here. I'd spend today making arrangements to check into rehab as soon as possible.

thomas11

Roxy, sounds pretty damn serious. I would put ALL options on the table. Rehab, Detox, AA, SR you name it. You said "the two people I adore most in this world walked out of my life."
How bad do you want them back? Sobriety will give you a chance. If you keep drinking I'm guessing all bets are off. You also have yourself to think about. As other people here will tell you, alcohol does kill people. Good job on pouring out the Vodka, it is step one. Wish you the best.

Roxyblues

Made 3 meetings yesterday and worked 1st three steps with sponsor last night. Picked up white chip from old sponsor yesterday and prayed it would be the last as I walked up to get it. Feeling a lot sadness and remorse, but hopeful at the same time. I am tired of being the tornado in everyone's life whether I am drinking or not. Starting the name list on inventory today.

I have to start doing everything different from core actions. My mind is snapping through all of ways I have acted out of self centered fear over little stuff in an effort to protect myself only to cause me more harm and hurt those I love.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts an encouragement. I was blown away by the responses.

My disease takes me to really dark places and somehow convinces me that is okay.

The treatment option is not off the table. I am just praying that God leads me in the right direction.

Roxyblues

I did speak to wife yesterday. She is giving me a whopping dose of Alanon and she is staying with someone right now who is sober, went through same thing with her husband and works or worked in a treatment center.

She is in good hands and she is a good, beautiful woman. The best I have ever met hands down.

Trying hard to put her and family in God's hands, have no expectations and focus on saving my life right now. Again, this is the self centered fear crap where I tend to want or focus only on what I think is best for me when she is the one that has been deeply hurt by my disease and I have been the tornado.

Roxyblues

Lol, I also need to change sign in name. How sick is that for some one trying to get sober?

ScottFromWI

Sounds to me like you are making some positive steps Roxy. As others have mentioned, if if you really want to make this work leave ALL options on the table. Choose to let others help you....we all needed help to get through this.

KeyofC

You not only need to do this to save your marriage and your life as you've known it, you absolutely need to do this for you. YOU have to be the reason behind the whole steam engine, otherwise the train will derail off the tracks. Once you start getting things right with you...the rest will come (or not). You could do everything right and still not be able save some things, let's be realistic. BUT what you will gain in spite of it all is YOU. Obviously you have nothing to loose, but you have a hell of a lot to gain. I wish you all the best with it all. We hug a lot in SR so ((hug))

huntingtontx

Roxy, I can add nothing to the advice given here. It is great advice. We all here understand how hard it is to walk away from alcohol, but if we don't find the strength then our life is over. We are all proof it can be done. You can do this, you just have to want it more then anything else. You and your family are in my prayers.

Roxyblues

Thanks guys. It is so nice feeling the care and concern,

Roxyblues

Made two meetings and got most if first column done on 4th. Feeling better.