I can't let anyone know I'm an alcoholic
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Originally Posted by Secretdrinker 
OpenTuning, I spoke to my eldest last night. I told her I wasn't going to drink anymore. She was so happy. She admitted she'd told a couple of the mums over the years that 'mum drinks bottles of wine a night'.......so they absolutely know.
I thought about what it would be like to stand in a group of the school mums and admit I was an alcoholic, and for some weird reason, I wasn't ashamed. I was proud that I was admitting I had a problem and wanted to get help, for myself and my children. I'm sure they'll gossip, but really, who cares? Why do I care what a bunch of nosey witches think of me? They are NOTHING to me. The only important people in this are me and my kids.
It was like a switch was flicked.
I had a look at the nearest meeting and it's just up the road so I'll need to try and get the ex to babysit while I go (that in itself is going to be a struggle, he's never looked after the youngest by himself).
I thought about what it would be like to stand in a group of the school mums and admit I was an alcoholic, and for some weird reason, I wasn't ashamed. I was proud that I was admitting I had a problem and wanted to get help, for myself and my children. I'm sure they'll gossip, but really, who cares? Why do I care what a bunch of nosey witches think of me? They are NOTHING to me. The only important people in this are me and my kids.
It was like a switch was flicked.
I had a look at the nearest meeting and it's just up the road so I'll need to try and get the ex to babysit while I go (that in itself is going to be a struggle, he's never looked after the youngest by himself).
Too many people think accepting you aren't in control of alcohol, and need help, is a sign of failure and something to be ashamed of. It isn't. It's a sign of strength, not weakness. You're being brave taking the steps you're taking, and should remember that.
As many have said, you have some deep habits and patterns ingrained in yourself, and it will take a lot of effort to effectively reprogram yourself to live your new sober life. It may not always go to plan, but don't allow your AV to make those excuses to give up.
By the way, I just looked up how many calories are in 2 bottles of wine, which is what you said you were drinking every night. On average, about 1,300. Wow. Just think of the impact replacing those calories with healthy food (plus some treats!) will have on both your weight and your fitness and energy levels (not to mention bank balance). Win-win situations don't get more win-win than this
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,581
Way to go on a great decision, sd! I can relate to a lot of what you said about being crabby with the kids. I was also always tired and hungover and while my kids didn't know I drank, they sure know now that I don't. I love being able to model good behavior for them, as they are almost 14 and 16 now. (I quit 4 years ago and I also quit smoking.) I'm SO much happier and proud of myself, as it's not easy! Keep up the good work, create new habits, it DOES get easier. You have to retrain your brain, it takes some time but it'll happen. Habits are hard to break but you can do it. It's so worth it, you will be happier and proud! Best of luck to you!
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Secretdrinker
I felt great!
My youngest called out for me at 5.40am as she usually does around that time, and rather than storm in there with her Ipad and a packet of crisps to keep her quiet while I went back to bed with a hangover(god the shame), I greeted her with a smile, and she smiled back rather than running to hide under her covers because she knew i'd be so grumpy she woke me up early (Now i sound like a monster but I HAVE to be honest in here because when those cravings hit again tonight, I NEED to reread this stuff to help me not be that person again).
My youngest called out for me at 5.40am as she usually does around that time, and rather than storm in there with her Ipad and a packet of crisps to keep her quiet while I went back to bed with a hangover(god the shame), I greeted her with a smile, and she smiled back rather than running to hide under her covers because she knew i'd be so grumpy she woke me up early (Now i sound like a monster but I HAVE to be honest in here because when those cravings hit again tonight, I NEED to reread this stuff to help me not be that person again).
Im glad your other daughter is happy for you.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by MelindaFlowers
I also kind of liked the statistic that 30% of the population doesn't drink any alcohol and another 30% drink so little it's negligible, like one drink a week or one drink a month. My mother for example, is one of those people. She has a bottle of wine in her fridge that has probably been there for six months. I don't know what will happen first. Will it grow mold or will she finish it? Who knows? That helped me to think, wow most people barely even drink. I can do that too. The only difference of course, maybe it's a big difference or maybe it's a small difference, is that I don't have that one drink a week or month. I don't drink at all.
But yeah, I have started to notice that more and more people at social gatherings either dont drink, or have one the whole time, while I would be pounding drinks, going to throw them away, going to be new one, and then having to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: QLD
Posts: 173
Day 3!
Thank you for all your messages!
Haven't been sober for this long in years. I feel so bloody good. It was 7.20am and I was building a tent with my 2 year old inside my kitchen cupboards whilst getting my eldest ready for school haha! It changed the whole morning atmosphere. Usually I'm stomping around blurry eyed and trying to stop the 2 of them from fighting constantly, shouting at my eldest she's going to be late, so much tension and stress!
Not today, today was lovely. I was greeted with more smiles from my youngest when she woke, we sang in the car on the way to school, and the place is already tidy and it's only 8.28am!
I'm realising so much of what goes on in the house is down to my drinking, how it was affecting the kids without me even knowing it.
I was reading earlier about people's reasons to drink, some are trying to block things out, to forget, to cope with life....and I thought to myself 'that's not me, I just really bloody enjoy the taste of wine. I enjoy every single drop'...
And THEN I started thinking...why is it I am addicted to forums/facebook/relationships with people online that I can just switch off from when I shut down the computer? Why have I spent the last 12 years of my life sat having friendships with people behind a screen and not in real life? Why do I waste hours upon hours of my days, ignoring my kids sometimes, to play fb games and chat to people in fb groups,.,.
I'm hiding. I am hiding from life. THAT is what I use alcohol for. It's safe to stay inside my house on my computer with my wine. I don't have to get out there and have real, face to face human interactions with people (I'm a very anxious person in social gatherings which is why I drink).
I'm wasting my life and alcohol helps me forget that.There are so many things I want to do, so much more I want to be, and I am never going to do it unless big changes are made.
Thank you for all your messages!
Haven't been sober for this long in years. I feel so bloody good. It was 7.20am and I was building a tent with my 2 year old inside my kitchen cupboards whilst getting my eldest ready for school haha! It changed the whole morning atmosphere. Usually I'm stomping around blurry eyed and trying to stop the 2 of them from fighting constantly, shouting at my eldest she's going to be late, so much tension and stress!
Not today, today was lovely. I was greeted with more smiles from my youngest when she woke, we sang in the car on the way to school, and the place is already tidy and it's only 8.28am!
I'm realising so much of what goes on in the house is down to my drinking, how it was affecting the kids without me even knowing it.
I was reading earlier about people's reasons to drink, some are trying to block things out, to forget, to cope with life....and I thought to myself 'that's not me, I just really bloody enjoy the taste of wine. I enjoy every single drop'...
And THEN I started thinking...why is it I am addicted to forums/facebook/relationships with people online that I can just switch off from when I shut down the computer? Why have I spent the last 12 years of my life sat having friendships with people behind a screen and not in real life? Why do I waste hours upon hours of my days, ignoring my kids sometimes, to play fb games and chat to people in fb groups,.,.
I'm hiding. I am hiding from life. THAT is what I use alcohol for. It's safe to stay inside my house on my computer with my wine. I don't have to get out there and have real, face to face human interactions with people (I'm a very anxious person in social gatherings which is why I drink).
I'm wasting my life and alcohol helps me forget that.There are so many things I want to do, so much more I want to be, and I am never going to do it unless big changes are made.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
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I think I hid from life a bit, too - but of course I never allowed myself to admit it. Once, drinking in social situations seemed to help - but in the end it made me even more anxious & reclusive. It isn't the friend we thought it was. I love your last few sentences - you are learning so much about yourself. Proud of you, S. 
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Well done Secretdrinker. Great job on day 3!! Keep going, it gets even better the longer you go. I forgot how enjoyable life could be without the anxiety and darkness drinking brought into my life. We don't get a second chance at today.
Well done!
Well done!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: QLD
Posts: 173
I don't mean to go on, I think I'm kinda using this thread as my diary now lol, so don't feel the need to reply, although you know I always appreciate it!
I was driving to the shops before and its such a scorching hot day today I took a little detour to my local pub thinking my kid could play in the beer garden with the toys and I can sit and have a glass of wine. It was only when I pulled into the carpark that I realised what I was doing!! It was such a shock!
Yesterday, coming out of Woolworths with my shopping, I immediately headed for the bottle shop next door without even realising.
So many habits to break.
I was driving to the shops before and its such a scorching hot day today I took a little detour to my local pub thinking my kid could play in the beer garden with the toys and I can sit and have a glass of wine. It was only when I pulled into the carpark that I realised what I was doing!! It was such a shock!
Yesterday, coming out of Woolworths with my shopping, I immediately headed for the bottle shop next door without even realising.
So many habits to break.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: QLD
Posts: 173
I'm struggling a little tonight. It's that exact time again. Kids have just gone to bed and I'm sitting here missing it. I was going to start reading a book but that's when I usually drink, when reading or watching TV or on the computer, so I'm going to sit on the floor and try and get engrossed in my colouring in.
I know I can do it, I just need to last a couple more hours before I can go to bed. My desire to wake up tomorrow, come in here and say I'm on day 4 is helping
I know I can do it, I just need to last a couple more hours before I can go to bed. My desire to wake up tomorrow, come in here and say I'm on day 4 is helping
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Secretdrinker
I'm struggling a little tonight. It's that exact time again. Kids have just gone to bed and I'm sitting here missing it. I was going to start reading a book but that's when I usually drink, when reading or watching TV or on the computer, so I'm going to sit on the floor and try and get engrossed in my colouring in.
I know I can do it, I just need to last a couple more hours before I can go to bed. My desire to wake up tomorrow, come in here and say I'm on day 4 is helping
I know I can do it, I just need to last a couple more hours before I can go to bed. My desire to wake up tomorrow, come in here and say I'm on day 4 is helping
GOOD ON YA!!
i still remeber driving to an aa meeting about 3 months in. no thoughts of drinking at the time. feelin pretty good. then i drove by a bar i used to drink at. might read crazy, but it felt like my car wanted to pull in there. it scared the crap outta me! at the meeting i mentioned it. two things i heard- "that probably happened because ya drank a lot there. its going to take T.I.M.E. for old habits to die."
and the other thing i heard that still sticks with me-
"some fears are healthy fears and a fear of drinking can be a healthy fear."
Sd, ill be completely honest here: getting sober was the hardest friggin thing i ever did. after the fog wore off i was hit pretty dam hard with the craving,compulsion, and obsession. that was when it hit me hard that my whole existence revolved around alcohol. alcohol was the solution for everything, so i thought. and what it really did was cause more gloom, dispair and misery.
but through the program of aa and the fellowship to teach me how to put it into action, staying sober has been easy.
i was smiling earlier in one of yer posts as i got sober in small town, mi. hadda fear of running into people i knew in aa or people finding out i was going to aa. couple things i heard at aa that eased me:
ya didnt care who saw ya knee walking drunk, did ya?
wouldnt it be a blessing to see people ha know at an aa meeting! means they had a problem and got help for it,too!
you may want to do a search on the www for "big book online" and do some reading in it.its called "alcoholics anonymous" but most call it the big ook.
the first 164 pages are the program and the rest are personal stories, which i think i read some of your story in one of them stories.
you read like a spiritual person and ya just might like what the program has to offer. many promises of what will happen by working and living it. all promises have come true for me.
prayers out for ya and i also hope you have a blessed day.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,909
Hope you made it through the night okay. You're doing great! Please keep checking in.
It's great that you're already seeing the benefits at home and enjoying time with your children. I used to hold my breath when kissing mine so they wouldn't associate me with the smell of alcohol. It's so wonderful to kiss them now and not to worry about that...
It's great that you're already seeing the benefits at home and enjoying time with your children. I used to hold my breath when kissing mine so they wouldn't associate me with the smell of alcohol. It's so wonderful to kiss them now and not to worry about that...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: QLD
Posts: 173
Originally Posted by tomsteve
couple things i heard at aa that eased me:
ya didnt care who saw ya knee walking drunk, did ya?
.
ya didnt care who saw ya knee walking drunk, did ya?
.
I got started on reading The Big Book earlier this morning when I knew I wouldn't be tempted to drink whilst I read. I also listened to some proper, professional AA speakers talking about the first 6 steps on youtube today.
So many lightbulb moments. It keeps making me want to ring people up and tell them all about what I have learnt even though I know they honestly won't care haha!
I'll be reading and watching some more tomorrow
Melki, I did, thankyou! I'm off to bed.
Night all, and thanks for being there for me.
Can't wait to change my signature when I wake
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
SD you're doing fine. The evening craving is predictable because when you want to relax your brain thinks 'alcohol'. I suggest you have a drink in your hand like a cup of tea or soft drink so you'll soon start to associate it with relaxation.
It's imperative you don't drink through these weeks when your AV tries every argument to get you started again. It will die down eventually, I promise. At 3+ years I don't think of alcohol from one week to another, although I'm always on guard.
It's imperative you don't drink through these weeks when your AV tries every argument to get you started again. It will die down eventually, I promise. At 3+ years I don't think of alcohol from one week to another, although I'm always on guard.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
SD you're doing fine. The evening craving is predictable because when you want to relax your brain thinks 'alcohol'. I suggest you have a drink in your hand like a cup of tea or soft drink so you'll soon start to associate it with relaxation.
It's imperative you don't drink through these weeks when your AV tries every argument to get you started again. It will die down eventually, I promise. At 3+ years I don't think of alcohol from one week to another, although I'm always on guard.
It's imperative you don't drink through these weeks when your AV tries every argument to get you started again. It will die down eventually, I promise. At 3+ years I don't think of alcohol from one week to another, although I'm always on guard.
Sounds like your kids are really enjoying the new you Secret
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