Melancholy and the infinite sadness
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,366
Melancholy and the infinite sadness
The past two days I've been experiencing sadness. It's like I'm addicted to sadness.
I've been trying to get more intimacy in my marriage and it's not working. It just blows up in my face. Then I feel hurt. It doesn't feel good but at the same time, I stay in this sad place.
So then I'm a bitch. There's no point in me giving myself to my husband and trying anymore if I'm only going to get hurt.
I don't know how to get out of this funk. The conversations with my husband go no where. We just go round and round. And if I keep to myself, I'm being a bitch. It's a lose lose situation.
The good news is that I'm still sober. 46 days. The only thing that's keeping me sober is that I know I can't just have one.
I've been trying to get more intimacy in my marriage and it's not working. It just blows up in my face. Then I feel hurt. It doesn't feel good but at the same time, I stay in this sad place.
So then I'm a bitch. There's no point in me giving myself to my husband and trying anymore if I'm only going to get hurt.
I don't know how to get out of this funk. The conversations with my husband go no where. We just go round and round. And if I keep to myself, I'm being a bitch. It's a lose lose situation.
The good news is that I'm still sober. 46 days. The only thing that's keeping me sober is that I know I can't just have one.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I understand the feeling. It is so hard to experience happiness when you're really struggling with your partner. Obviously you've tried talking and that hasn't worked. Would you guys consider some marriage counseling? I know, I know sounds awful but maybe it can help you guys learn to communicate. Men and woman, I believe, are so vastly different with respect to communication, giving/receiving love, and our needs. Like VASTLY different. Sometimes that wall can seem insurmountable. But YES you are sober....that is huge!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
I am sorry, Jillian. I wish that getting sober fixed all of our problems. It doesn't. And, sometimes, getting sober forces us to confront problems that we have been ignoring for a long time.
You are 46 days sober. That is more than just "good news". It is a huge achievement. And you shouldn't dismiss this as just a little bit of good news. You deserve a lot of credit for your hard work. Please don't minimize your accomplishment in getting and staying sober. To do so, IMHO, increases your chances of letting your guard down and relapsing.
As difficult as your relationship issues may seem, just ask yourself if you would be better off trying to resolve those issues if you went back to drinking. I think you know the answer to that.
Be patient. You don't have to solve all of your problems at once. If you are sad, as I was in early recovery, find things outside the relationship (if necessary) that make you feel better. Exercise. Music. Hobbies. Tackle the relationship issues when you are feeling a little less down.
You are gonna be fine. Just keep your sobriety as priority #1 and the rest will eventually fall into place.
Good luck. I hope you will keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
You are 46 days sober. That is more than just "good news". It is a huge achievement. And you shouldn't dismiss this as just a little bit of good news. You deserve a lot of credit for your hard work. Please don't minimize your accomplishment in getting and staying sober. To do so, IMHO, increases your chances of letting your guard down and relapsing.
As difficult as your relationship issues may seem, just ask yourself if you would be better off trying to resolve those issues if you went back to drinking. I think you know the answer to that.
Be patient. You don't have to solve all of your problems at once. If you are sad, as I was in early recovery, find things outside the relationship (if necessary) that make you feel better. Exercise. Music. Hobbies. Tackle the relationship issues when you are feeling a little less down.
You are gonna be fine. Just keep your sobriety as priority #1 and the rest will eventually fall into place.
Good luck. I hope you will keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
I'm sorry that you're sad. If I could make a suggestion. Don't do anything right now other than focusing on your sobriety and recovery. Don't look to mend relationships or push for intimacy. Just be.
I don't know what's going on in your relationship or the dynamic involved so I can only address my own stuff. I've got a lot more sober time right now than my husband. He did a bunch of stuff while drinking that was a huge breach of trust. Now he wants instant intimacy because he's been sober four days. It doesn't work that way. Eventually things will probably mend but it takes time.
Maybe that's what's going on with you. Maybe it's not. I know you're sad but give it time. Be kind to you. Congrats on 46 days.
I don't know what's going on in your relationship or the dynamic involved so I can only address my own stuff. I've got a lot more sober time right now than my husband. He did a bunch of stuff while drinking that was a huge breach of trust. Now he wants instant intimacy because he's been sober four days. It doesn't work that way. Eventually things will probably mend but it takes time.
Maybe that's what's going on with you. Maybe it's not. I know you're sad but give it time. Be kind to you. Congrats on 46 days.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,087
Sorry to hear it. Have you ever thought of sitting down, and writing a letter to him explaining your thoughts and feelings? You never know, it may help.
Sometimes it's easier to get things out via the written word versus voice.
Sometimes it's easier to get things out via the written word versus voice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,366
Thanks everyone. I really need to get things back into perspective. Tomorrow is a new day!
I've been thinking of writing a letter but just haven't done it - I think it would feel good either way really.
I've been thinking of writing a letter but just haven't done it - I think it would feel good either way really.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 626
I'm at 45 days so right there with you.
I'm having the same problem only I think it's the reverse of what you're going thru.
My libido is very down, almost non existent. My husband has been so patient but it's been a long, long time since we've been intimate. So hopefully it will change soon.
I think it's good advice from the above posters to fully commit and focus on your sobriety. Thru actions and time, things may get better naturally.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
I'm having the same problem only I think it's the reverse of what you're going thru.
My libido is very down, almost non existent. My husband has been so patient but it's been a long, long time since we've been intimate. So hopefully it will change soon.
I think it's good advice from the above posters to fully commit and focus on your sobriety. Thru actions and time, things may get better naturally.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
While sobriety doesn't fix everything, Jillian, it is something you need. Things sometimes get a little rough in early sobriety but it does even out. Right now you're making some huge changes, so it's not unusual that everything is out of sorts. Some of it will get better with time and sobriety. Just try to hang in there for a bit and see if it doesn't get better naturally.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 927
Hi Jillian, I'm only day 5 so way behind you but I have had a non-intimate relationship with husband for years. I've talked about separation and divorce but he doesn't want to.
I don't know if I drank for 25 years because we had a bad relationship or if we had a bad relationship because I drank for 25 years?
Chicken and egg?!
I'm getting sober so I'm going to find out.
Right now we coexist in the same house, we generally get on as friends, we do stuff together but there is no intimacy.
That is right at the bottom of my to do list.
Concentrate on getting yourself well, don't let anything else distract you from that.
You can do this on your own!
I don't know if I drank for 25 years because we had a bad relationship or if we had a bad relationship because I drank for 25 years?
Chicken and egg?!
I'm getting sober so I'm going to find out.
Right now we coexist in the same house, we generally get on as friends, we do stuff together but there is no intimacy.
That is right at the bottom of my to do list.
Concentrate on getting yourself well, don't let anything else distract you from that.
You can do this on your own!
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