Accepting the stigma - with grace
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,179
Accepting the stigma - with grace
I am chairing a small group that is putting together a fall picnic for our local AA chapter.
We will have burgers and dogs and covered dishes. The speaker has 50 years in the program. All good - right? After the speaker we are planning karaoke.
I spoke with a local rental place this morning about renting a unit from them. I was asked when we needed it and then for what group...
I said it was the local chapter of AA. She said nothing...but...AAAAWWWWW...and it was a wonderfully sad ahhh. At least she spared me the "you poor things".
I'm not sure why, but that just rubbed me the wrong way. I'm certain my bp spiked and face became red...wtf, I was pissed.
Thank goodness for my ability to practice the principals I have learned over the past 27 months and not just react with something I would later regret - for sure.
How appropriate that the topic at my home group meeting was "DON't SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF" last night.
I will accept her comment, albeit from ignorance, and move on with my day. Simply a bump in the road in the life of a grateful recovering alkie.
Carlos
We will have burgers and dogs and covered dishes. The speaker has 50 years in the program. All good - right? After the speaker we are planning karaoke.
I spoke with a local rental place this morning about renting a unit from them. I was asked when we needed it and then for what group...
I said it was the local chapter of AA. She said nothing...but...AAAAWWWWW...and it was a wonderfully sad ahhh. At least she spared me the "you poor things".
I'm not sure why, but that just rubbed me the wrong way. I'm certain my bp spiked and face became red...wtf, I was pissed.
Thank goodness for my ability to practice the principals I have learned over the past 27 months and not just react with something I would later regret - for sure.
How appropriate that the topic at my home group meeting was "DON't SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF" last night.
I will accept her comment, albeit from ignorance, and move on with my day. Simply a bump in the road in the life of a grateful recovering alkie.
Carlos
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Something like this kind of amuses me more than anything.
There are valid reasons for our anonymity as outlined in Tradition 11, however, I understand that it's meant for the level of the media: press, radio, film and online. I am not so anonymous in my personal life; I'm fairly open about it. I try to keep it in my mind something I heard a long time ago: "That I may be the only walking example of the Big Book that someone has ever seen." This reminds me that I have the opportunity to carry the message to more than just other alcoholics, not by Big Book thumping but just by quietly being an example.
Maybe as people see more examples of the diversity of recovering people, those perceptions will change. The stigma exists largely out of ignorance; if someone sees me in my day-to-day life, living the program, maybe that will give them a different idea of what a person in recovery looks like and that we aren't all sad cases to be pitied. At the same time, I do understand and respect if someone feels the need to keep their alcoholism/addiction more private, for whatever reason.
There are valid reasons for our anonymity as outlined in Tradition 11, however, I understand that it's meant for the level of the media: press, radio, film and online. I am not so anonymous in my personal life; I'm fairly open about it. I try to keep it in my mind something I heard a long time ago: "That I may be the only walking example of the Big Book that someone has ever seen." This reminds me that I have the opportunity to carry the message to more than just other alcoholics, not by Big Book thumping but just by quietly being an example.
Maybe as people see more examples of the diversity of recovering people, those perceptions will change. The stigma exists largely out of ignorance; if someone sees me in my day-to-day life, living the program, maybe that will give them a different idea of what a person in recovery looks like and that we aren't all sad cases to be pitied. At the same time, I do understand and respect if someone feels the need to keep their alcoholism/addiction more private, for whatever reason.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
It is what it is, Carlos, and good in you for not letting the stigma get you down!
I used to be very indignant about being an alcoholic. Now I just add it to the list of things I never sought out to but turned out to be. It's a blessing really.
That lady isn't really reacting to you, me our the other recovered alkies anyway. She's reacting to who we USED to be: drunk, ineffective, yes pathetic beings. (At least in my case). So I can't fault her for that. I suppose I have a degree of pity for the person I used to be, too.
I used to be very indignant about being an alcoholic. Now I just add it to the list of things I never sought out to but turned out to be. It's a blessing really.
That lady isn't really reacting to you, me our the other recovered alkies anyway. She's reacting to who we USED to be: drunk, ineffective, yes pathetic beings. (At least in my case). So I can't fault her for that. I suppose I have a degree of pity for the person I used to be, too.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Just having a chuckle at what she is probably imagining. I bet she expected a bunch of old guys in dirty coats with rope around the waist to come shuffling and staggering in with faces as joyous as Deputy Dog. If she actually sees the groups she'll probably either think she misheard you, or that you were joking with her.
I remember my own preconceptions about the people I'd find in the rooms, which were similar. And my OH has met some of my lovely, smart, attractive friends from AA, but still his mind keeps taking him to the hobo / skid-row type image.
Oh well. Sometimes I have to remind myself that what others say or think isn't the issue, and the most important thing is to accept it ; just keep it between myself and my HP and 'Do It Anyway'...
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
-this version is credited to Mother Teresa
(I have this poem as part of my daily meditation as a reminder)
I remember my own preconceptions about the people I'd find in the rooms, which were similar. And my OH has met some of my lovely, smart, attractive friends from AA, but still his mind keeps taking him to the hobo / skid-row type image.
Oh well. Sometimes I have to remind myself that what others say or think isn't the issue, and the most important thing is to accept it ; just keep it between myself and my HP and 'Do It Anyway'...
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
-this version is credited to Mother Teresa
(I have this poem as part of my daily meditation as a reminder)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,179
Thanks all for your comments. I guess the most surprising thing was that yesterday I had a rather busy day and if I thought of her remark at all, it had little to no effect. I had moved on emotionally.
Also, I was reminded of the following from pg 132, Big Book:
We have been speaking to you of serious, sometimes tragic things. We have been dealing with alcohol in its worst aspect. But we aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world's troubles on our shoulders. When we see a man sinking into the mire that is alcoholism, we give him first aid and place what we have at his disposal. For his sake, we do recount and almost relive the horrors of our past. But those of us who have tried to shoulder the entire burden and trouble of others find we are soon overcome by them.
So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn't we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others.
Oh, Becc, thank you for this meditation poem - love it! That alone makes me glad to have made this initial posting.
Also, I was reminded of the following from pg 132, Big Book:
We have been speaking to you of serious, sometimes tragic things. We have been dealing with alcohol in its worst aspect. But we aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world's troubles on our shoulders. When we see a man sinking into the mire that is alcoholism, we give him first aid and place what we have at his disposal. For his sake, we do recount and almost relive the horrors of our past. But those of us who have tried to shoulder the entire burden and trouble of others find we are soon overcome by them.
So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn't we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others.
Oh, Becc, thank you for this meditation poem - love it!
That alone makes me glad to have made this initial posting.
Originally Posted by Beccybean 
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
-this version is credited to Mother Teresa
(I have this poem as part of my daily meditation as a reminder)
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
-this version is credited to Mother Teresa
(I have this poem as part of my daily meditation as a reminder)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Our area has a picnic in early July, for AA, Alanon and Alateen with speakers from all 3. Its nice to see everyone outside the meetings- kids go swimming, a chance to talk with people in a less structured way- sort of like a meeting-after-the-meeting all afternoon, introduce the family etc. People have a great time, I've been to 2 of them so far.
I say never mind the bollocks
I say never mind the bollocks
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by Beccybean
Just having a chuckle at what she is probably imagining. I bet she expected a bunch of old guys in dirty coats with rope around the waist to come shuffling and staggering in with faces as joyous as Deputy Dog.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 919
This immediately felt like something I could relate to, though I don't have enough sober time to relate it to being labelled an alcoholic.
There is a concept I learned from (but is not exclusive to) being an expat. That concept is microaggressions. Little passive, or subtle, or even over yet small rude behaviors that can get under your skin after a time.
As an expat it means that people constantly pity me, alienate me, or make into "that" person who...is helpless, or strange, or clueless, or just adorable because look at him try to do x, y or z or speak our language.
It's really...othering.
And maybe thats how it can feel to have people not understand abstinence from alcohol.
Maybe it is a disease. I don't know. But whatever it is, no-one should pity those of us who don't drink.
Like my choice to live abroad, my choice not to drink may define me in ways, but it need not limit me, and the ways in which it defines me are mine to shape.
I pictured myself acting towards your ignorant lady, as I act towards ignorant elderly folk here who gawk at me or glare at me. I give them a big grin and tell them "hello how are you" in their language in my rather adept accent, which shocks then, and then makes them grin. I kill with kindness. I think its fantastic.
Sorry for the tangent. Maybe not relevant or coherent.
There is a concept I learned from (but is not exclusive to) being an expat. That concept is microaggressions. Little passive, or subtle, or even over yet small rude behaviors that can get under your skin after a time.
As an expat it means that people constantly pity me, alienate me, or make into "that" person who...is helpless, or strange, or clueless, or just adorable because look at him try to do x, y or z or speak our language.
It's really...othering.
And maybe thats how it can feel to have people not understand abstinence from alcohol.
Maybe it is a disease. I don't know. But whatever it is, no-one should pity those of us who don't drink.
Like my choice to live abroad, my choice not to drink may define me in ways, but it need not limit me, and the ways in which it defines me are mine to shape.
I pictured myself acting towards your ignorant lady, as I act towards ignorant elderly folk here who gawk at me or glare at me. I give them a big grin and tell them "hello how are you" in their language in my rather adept accent, which shocks then, and then makes them grin. I kill with kindness. I think its fantastic.
Sorry for the tangent. Maybe not relevant or coherent.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
kinzoku - I think your post is indeed relevant. Othering, yes I can see that. My sponsor wife refers to his AA friends as "those people". Maybe it make others feel better about themselves at times - so, perhaps I've done some service work!
I am a not an ex pat, but as a Northerner live in Deep South. For those who are aware of how this plays, many times I am very much an other............I use to resent it when someone I just meet would ask - where you frum??? Now, not so much.
I am a not an ex pat, but as a Northerner live in Deep South. For those who are aware of how this plays, many times I am very much an other............I use to resent it when someone I just meet would ask - where you frum??? Now, not so much.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Cool conversation. Thanks for inviting us "over," Carlos.
It took me a while to accept that I am an alcoholic, to say it out loud, and to admit it is a part of who I am.
The funny thing about alcohol is, the first time I ever took a drink it was to have fun - even though my great grandfather ditched his wife and kids to die of alcoholism on skid row, even though my family staged an intervention with my Uncle due to his drinking in my parents' dining room 30+ years ago, even though my cousin lost his driving privileges due to multiple DUIs. I never thought alcoholism could happen to me. I was somehow above it in my grandiose mind.
I am every bit the picture of the respectable suburban mom - and stayed so through my last drunk. Truth is, though, alcohol took me to a dark place. One with self loathing and pain and misery and emptiness. It robbed me of my self respect and discipline. To have someone express surprise, or bestow pity upon me, while I'm an alcoholic in recovery who is learning how to live in a way that leads to unparalleled joy, happiness and freedom is .... extremely off-putting. I can see how that conversation left you feeling off balance, Carlos.
I'm so proud of you for organizing a response to her comments rather than having a reaction. (Sometimes saying nothing is the best response!) As usual our planets are aligned to the same lessons. At AA this week, we discussed this topic, and ever since so many opportunities have presented themselves for me to work on distinguishing between my reaction and response to challenging situations.
It took me a while to accept that I am an alcoholic, to say it out loud, and to admit it is a part of who I am.
The funny thing about alcohol is, the first time I ever took a drink it was to have fun - even though my great grandfather ditched his wife and kids to die of alcoholism on skid row, even though my family staged an intervention with my Uncle due to his drinking in my parents' dining room 30+ years ago, even though my cousin lost his driving privileges due to multiple DUIs. I never thought alcoholism could happen to me. I was somehow above it in my grandiose mind.
I am every bit the picture of the respectable suburban mom - and stayed so through my last drunk. Truth is, though, alcohol took me to a dark place. One with self loathing and pain and misery and emptiness. It robbed me of my self respect and discipline. To have someone express surprise, or bestow pity upon me, while I'm an alcoholic in recovery who is learning how to live in a way that leads to unparalleled joy, happiness and freedom is .... extremely off-putting. I can see how that conversation left you feeling off balance, Carlos.
I'm so proud of you for organizing a response to her comments rather than having a reaction. (Sometimes saying nothing is the best response!) As usual our planets are aligned to the same lessons. At AA this week, we discussed this topic, and ever since so many opportunities have presented themselves for me to work on distinguishing between my reaction and response to challenging situations.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 148
I gladly tell ppl I know closly my issue and my concern for my health, and the best reaction I got was "common, your not an alcoholic you just like to drink a lot and have a good time"
Whilst he said this he opened a another can.
Iam glad my ignorance level is nill on this subject.
Whilst he said this he opened a another can.
Iam glad my ignorance level is nill on this subject.
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