Better Late Than Never
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 15
Better Late Than Never
Hello's !
Found my way in due to life biting me in the rear again. One AH, one divorce, next one stopped drinking but that really didn't fix anything. Turns out I have codependent issues, I can't do this cycling thing anymore so I'm here to finally fix myself. Have been just reading for the last week an finally joined, was initially in shock at how messed up I am, but it's better to know than not.
Found my way in due to life biting me in the rear again. One AH, one divorce, next one stopped drinking but that really didn't fix anything. Turns out I have codependent issues, I can't do this cycling thing anymore so I'm here to finally fix myself. Have been just reading for the last week an finally joined, was initially in shock at how messed up I am, but it's better to know than not.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Welcome Tidy!
Well I too have realized just how deeply codependant I am, with the dimise of my recent relationship. I have spent a lot of time at this recovery thing, worked steps, all kind of counseling. I really think I have handled my abuse and trauma issues. So why am I still so sick? Codependence. I realize that it is this deep, empty whole inside me (where my sense of authentic self should reside) that is probably at the base of my drinking.
Well I too have realized just how deeply codependant I am, with the dimise of my recent relationship. I have spent a lot of time at this recovery thing, worked steps, all kind of counseling. I really think I have handled my abuse and trauma issues. So why am I still so sick? Codependence. I realize that it is this deep, empty whole inside me (where my sense of authentic self should reside) that is probably at the base of my drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 15
Thanks for the welcome!
Fortunately I ran into someone who highlighted all my own disfunction, altho he's a hot mess he's also a blessing. Now I have to work on detachment, I guess? Been flopping thru other issues I have combined with codependency an the rest and things are finally starting to make sense. I've gone to AA meetings before, and al-anon with my son, done the tough love ect....learned about enabling but since I read the first step explanations here I can see I really didn't "get it" the first hundred times.
My second husband ( who passed) was sober after the first few years, but tons of issues, it was 50/50 on that deal, an friends of ours were in AA & lead meetings so I've had a lot of exposure but apparently no real clue?
So...back to the beginning.....again.
Fortunately I ran into someone who highlighted all my own disfunction, altho he's a hot mess he's also a blessing. Now I have to work on detachment, I guess? Been flopping thru other issues I have combined with codependency an the rest and things are finally starting to make sense. I've gone to AA meetings before, and al-anon with my son, done the tough love ect....learned about enabling but since I read the first step explanations here I can see I really didn't "get it" the first hundred times.
My second husband ( who passed) was sober after the first few years, but tons of issues, it was 50/50 on that deal, an friends of ours were in AA & lead meetings so I've had a lot of exposure but apparently no real clue?
So...back to the beginning.....again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
For me the consistent meetings helped me by osmosis and listening to what the successful members did and continue doing. Eventually with a clearer head things were working and seemed more logical, meaning for me acceptance like in the Serenity Prayer which many years later still utilize.
It takes action, forget about just meetings and being around the program, being IN it makes the difference.
BE WELL
For me the consistent meetings helped me by osmosis and listening to what the successful members did and continue doing. Eventually with a clearer head things were working and seemed more logical, meaning for me acceptance like in the Serenity Prayer which many years later still utilize.
It takes action, forget about just meetings and being around the program, being IN it makes the difference.
BE WELL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 15
Thanks IOAA2 
Part of my previous problem was since I wasn't the person with the addiction ( I thought) I heard everything but didn't apply it to myself.
Honestly I was just so pissed that my life was "here we go again".
Now that my son is successfully working his recovery, I can't blame my husband, here I am stuck having to own my own stuff. It's taken me awhile, but am taking baby steps. I've spoken to my friends about being messed up an honest about it.
I started back with my therapist outlining how I may have not been forthcoming enough before, but that needs to stop an I expect my "T" to help hold me to that. I'm trying honest communication and seeing how it goes.
Found a Coda meeting to go to later this week, and still on the fence if Al-anon is also where I need to be? It's been shocking and more than a little confusing reading all the material, but I have high hopes it will "register" and I can change.
Part of my previous problem was since I wasn't the person with the addiction ( I thought) I heard everything but didn't apply it to myself.
Honestly I was just so pissed that my life was "here we go again".
Now that my son is successfully working his recovery, I can't blame my husband, here I am stuck having to own my own stuff. It's taken me awhile, but am taking baby steps. I've spoken to my friends about being messed up an honest about it.
I started back with my therapist outlining how I may have not been forthcoming enough before, but that needs to stop an I expect my "T" to help hold me to that. I'm trying honest communication and seeing how it goes.
Found a Coda meeting to go to later this week, and still on the fence if Al-anon is also where I need to be? It's been shocking and more than a little confusing reading all the material, but I have high hopes it will "register" and I can change.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Sounds kinda like me...child of an alchie/codependant, married (widowed as well) to an alchie/codie (although I was far worse than he), just broke up with a normie/narcissist...yikes. The perfect dance partner for a codie.
Let me know how your coda meeting goes. My state doesn't have any
Let me know how your coda meeting goes. My state doesn't have any
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 15
The meeting is tomorrow night Fricka....sure will let you know if it was helpful! They say to go to 6, but only two in my end of the state, so .....a little scary!
I ran right into a nice guy with a drinking problem.....facepalm! I say he's a blessing because he highlights all MY issues, and I finally saw them. Pretty bummed this has no future, but very grateful anyways. All I could think instead of crying is HP/Creator must love me a lot to have sent him.
Been really good in just letting it go. No texting and no chasing an definitely no wondering what's wrong with me. In trying to figure out how he got under my radar is when I got slapped in the face with my own stuff.
Thanks for replying here, I'm new an scared about all this an I make the worlds worst first impression!!!
Forgot to add, My second Hubby altho "dry" was passive aggressive an self destructive . I was punished a lot for being cheerful an making the best of things. He shrank my clothes an was verbally abusive about me needing clothes that actually fit me for work, he packed me lunches of spoiled food....he refused to take his meds for diabetes, he's ruin furnishings in the house, then complain I didn't take care of our home good enough. Pretty much he did everything some one with an addiction would do BUT drink.
Same as many people here, I guess, but I chalked it up to his awful childhood. I seriously need my head examined!!! I let it go on for 25 yrs.
I ran right into a nice guy with a drinking problem.....facepalm! I say he's a blessing because he highlights all MY issues, and I finally saw them. Pretty bummed this has no future, but very grateful anyways. All I could think instead of crying is HP/Creator must love me a lot to have sent him.
Been really good in just letting it go. No texting and no chasing an definitely no wondering what's wrong with me. In trying to figure out how he got under my radar is when I got slapped in the face with my own stuff.
Thanks for replying here, I'm new an scared about all this an I make the worlds worst first impression!!!
Forgot to add, My second Hubby altho "dry" was passive aggressive an self destructive . I was punished a lot for being cheerful an making the best of things. He shrank my clothes an was verbally abusive about me needing clothes that actually fit me for work, he packed me lunches of spoiled food....he refused to take his meds for diabetes, he's ruin furnishings in the house, then complain I didn't take care of our home good enough. Pretty much he did everything some one with an addiction would do BUT drink.
Same as many people here, I guess, but I chalked it up to his awful childhood. I seriously need my head examined!!! I let it go on for 25 yrs.
Last edited by TidyTeal; 09-09-2015 at 01:05 PM. Reason: add info
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Originally Posted by TidyTeal 
The meeting is tomorrow night Fricka....sure will let you know if it was helpful! They say to go to 6, but only two in my end of the state, so .....a little scary!
I ran right into a nice guy with a drinking problem.....facepalm! I say he's a blessing because he highlights all MY issues, and I finally saw them. Pretty bummed this has no future, but very grateful anyways. All I could think instead of crying is HP/Creator must love me a lot to have sent him.
Been really good in just letting it go. No texting and no chasing an definitely no wondering what's wrong with me. In trying to figure out how he got under my radar is when I got slapped in the face with my own stuff.
Thanks for replying here, I'm new an scared about all this an I make the worlds worst first impression!!!
Forgot to add, My second Hubby altho "dry" was passive aggressive an self destructive . I was punished a lot for being cheerful an making the best of things. He shrank my clothes an was verbally abusive about me needing clothes that actually fit me for work, he packed me lunches of spoiled food....he refused to take his meds for diabetes, he's ruin furnishings in the house, then complain I didn't take care of our home good enough. Pretty much he did everything some one with an addiction would do BUT drink.
Same as many people here, I guess, but I chalked it up to his awful childhood. I seriously need my head examined!!! I let it go on for 25 yrs.
I ran right into a nice guy with a drinking problem.....facepalm! I say he's a blessing because he highlights all MY issues, and I finally saw them. Pretty bummed this has no future, but very grateful anyways. All I could think instead of crying is HP/Creator must love me a lot to have sent him.
Been really good in just letting it go. No texting and no chasing an definitely no wondering what's wrong with me. In trying to figure out how he got under my radar is when I got slapped in the face with my own stuff.
Thanks for replying here, I'm new an scared about all this an I make the worlds worst first impression!!!
Forgot to add, My second Hubby altho "dry" was passive aggressive an self destructive . I was punished a lot for being cheerful an making the best of things. He shrank my clothes an was verbally abusive about me needing clothes that actually fit me for work, he packed me lunches of spoiled food....he refused to take his meds for diabetes, he's ruin furnishings in the house, then complain I didn't take care of our home good enough. Pretty much he did everything some one with an addiction would do BUT drink.
Same as many people here, I guess, but I chalked it up to his awful childhood. I seriously need my head examined!!! I let it go on for 25 yrs.
I know what you're saying about having someone highlight your issues. My exbf, same thing. I was very sad that it ended but realize that there was no way I could ever be happy, or sober. I realized just how deeply codependent I am and how directly that drives me to the bottle. Its going to be interesting 'treating' my codependence and finding the real/new me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi TT. I'm also AA and CoDa (only been going to CoDa for a month, one meeting a week, plus the two or three AA meetings).
I've been reading the CoDa book on Kindle, which is really helpful and enlightening. I've also ordered a paper copy of the CoDa workbook which goes through the steps and looks really good. I'd def recommend the handbook to anyone with codependency tendencies, even if not attending meetings.
Good luck.
I've been reading the CoDa book on Kindle, which is really helpful and enlightening. I've also ordered a paper copy of the CoDa workbook which goes through the steps and looks really good. I'd def recommend the handbook to anyone with codependency tendencies, even if not attending meetings.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
Let me know how your coda meeting goes. My state doesn't have any
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 15
Thanks Beccy, and Soberwolf!!!
Went to the meeting, will be going back. It's much better than I expected and altho I was frozen in fear for most of it, I stayed.
Been reading online getting my feet wet and still looking for an Al-anon meeting in my area. Not sure where I "fit" but going to try everything.
Went to the meeting, will be going back. It's much better than I expected and altho I was frozen in fear for most of it, I stayed.
Been reading online getting my feet wet and still looking for an Al-anon meeting in my area. Not sure where I "fit" but going to try everything.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by TidyTeal
Thanks Beccy, and Soberwolf!!!
Went to the meeting, will be going back. It's much better than I expected and altho I was frozen in fear for most of it, I stayed.
Been reading online getting my feet wet and still looking for an Al-anon meeting in my area. Not sure where I "fit" but going to try everything.
Went to the meeting, will be going back. It's much better than I expected and altho I was frozen in fear for most of it, I stayed.
Been reading online getting my feet wet and still looking for an Al-anon meeting in my area. Not sure where I "fit" but going to try everything.
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