Is there an end to sobriety?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 148
Is there an end to sobriety?
I having a little trouble understanding the goals of my sobriety. Firstly I don't want too drink, but I want a cold beer sooo bad.
This confuses me, because I don't know how long I will be sober for.
If I set a "sober forever" goal, then I know I will slip because forever is boring.
But if I set a date , then I will most likely just aim for that date and then reward myself with a drink.
I've opted for a modified 2nd option. I set a month, but not to drink after a month but to re valuate where I want to be with my sobriety.
And now that iam nearing the month, iam concerned how long I can go on setting these small goals before I slip.
Sadly I feel like slipping is inevitable.
I really want to keep going sober after this month there is no doubt in my mind, but I can't shake that craving of a reallllly cold beer.
The way I see it its black, white and grey
Black -drinking
White -sober
Grey - don't know and can't decide if your going to be black or white
Iam in the grey area atm. It's like something is holding on to that thought of drinking again in the future.
This confuses me, because I don't know how long I will be sober for.
If I set a "sober forever" goal, then I know I will slip because forever is boring.
But if I set a date , then I will most likely just aim for that date and then reward myself with a drink.
I've opted for a modified 2nd option. I set a month, but not to drink after a month but to re valuate where I want to be with my sobriety.
And now that iam nearing the month, iam concerned how long I can go on setting these small goals before I slip.
Sadly I feel like slipping is inevitable.
I really want to keep going sober after this month there is no doubt in my mind, but I can't shake that craving of a reallllly cold beer.
The way I see it its black, white and grey
Black -drinking
White -sober
Grey - don't know and can't decide if your going to be black or white
Iam in the grey area atm. It's like something is holding on to that thought of drinking again in the future.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
"I really want to keep going sober after this month there is no doubt in my mind, but I can't shake that craving of a reallllly cold beer."
If you want to remain sober DO IT! It’s that simple.
The old timers in AA would say that if you decide you want to drink more than you want to be sober there’s the door and your misery is refunded.
The problem is so many don’t or can’t sober up again and there is no guarantee anyone can sober up again. After a lot of sober years I don’t think I have another recovery from what I’ve seen.
BE WELL
"I really want to keep going sober after this month there is no doubt in my mind, but I can't shake that craving of a reallllly cold beer."
If you want to remain sober DO IT! It’s that simple.
The old timers in AA would say that if you decide you want to drink more than you want to be sober there’s the door and your misery is refunded.
The problem is so many don’t or can’t sober up again and there is no guarantee anyone can sober up again. After a lot of sober years I don’t think I have another recovery from what I’ve seen.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
If a lifetime of sobriety sounds boring, what about the alternative?
You might want to revisit the post you made when you joined SR.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...i-succeed.html
Is that really what you want in your life? Because it is exactly where you'll go if you decide that a sober-optional life may be for you.
It's natural to miss it, especially in the early days. I've been sober for two years and occasionally remember that I thought beer tasted good. But it's not the end of the world that I cannot have one. Quite the opposite, actually.
You might want to revisit the post you made when you joined SR.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...i-succeed.html
Is that really what you want in your life? Because it is exactly where you'll go if you decide that a sober-optional life may be for you.
It's natural to miss it, especially in the early days. I've been sober for two years and occasionally remember that I thought beer tasted good. But it's not the end of the world that I cannot have one. Quite the opposite, actually.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
I often heard that if someone still
has thoughts of possibly drinking
down the road then they will drink.
There can be no lingering thoughts
of ever drinking down the road for
me if I am to be successful in my own
recovery and in life.
I had to admit I was completely
powerless over alcohol and that
my life was unmanageable.
My life never got better during
my drinking career. But, my life
has definitely gotten better without
putting poison in my body.
So much better. A hellava lot better.
Why would I want to return to
a miserable failure of a way of
life drinking alcohol. No thank
you. Im healthier, happier, honest
in all areas of my life.
And what and awesome gift to
cherish till my time is up on the
Earth.
has thoughts of possibly drinking
down the road then they will drink.
There can be no lingering thoughts
of ever drinking down the road for
me if I am to be successful in my own
recovery and in life.
I had to admit I was completely
powerless over alcohol and that
my life was unmanageable.
My life never got better during
my drinking career. But, my life
has definitely gotten better without
putting poison in my body.
So much better. A hellava lot better.
Why would I want to return to
a miserable failure of a way of
life drinking alcohol. No thank
you. Im healthier, happier, honest
in all areas of my life.
And what and awesome gift to
cherish till my time is up on the
Earth.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 346
That's how I did it at first too. 30 day goal, 60 day goal, 90 day goal 6 months goal. Each time it was coming close to the "end date" I started to panic and think it meant I would drink. I wrote about it here and was told the turning point was when I chose for it to be a forever goal. I had no clue how to do it so I kept setting goals I did know how to obtain and extending them.
With time, as I see more and more benefits and rewards to remaining sober it has become easier think in terms of forever.
In the end the important thing is you don't drink. As the habit of not drinking forms and your brain gets a chance to heal it becomes simpler to think in the long term.
Keep up the good work!
With time, as I see more and more benefits and rewards to remaining sober it has become easier think in terms of forever.
In the end the important thing is you don't drink. As the habit of not drinking forms and your brain gets a chance to heal it becomes simpler to think in the long term.
Keep up the good work!
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,352
I think that has something to do with the AV trick about how hard it is so see yourself NEVER drinking again. Drinking permeated much of our lives and now it's just gone and it somehow doesn't feel right. When I quit I didn't much thinking about the future of my drinking. I was more concerned with making it through a craving or a trigger. That might work for you. Never drinking again would be the natural outcome of making it through every craving successfully.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
When I got to 30 days I realized that a little tiny eensy weensy part of my brain had actually thought that I would be able to have a drink after that. When I really analyzed it it was because that teensy tiny little voice was saying that I had proved I could be normal. That voice, that thought, is a big F-ing A-hole called alcoholism.
Thirty days is actually a lot of work. Think it isn't? Go look at your posts of the past month. Look at all the different things you've been doing, and think about how you had to get used to these changes. How much THOUGHT have you put into recovery? It's an immense amount of work. I think it's a lifetime thing, but that it gets to be less work as it goes on (I could be wrong, not having done it longer than 6 weeks). Why keep yourself in and out the high-intensity early recovery and high intensity alcoholic drinking forever?
Because here's the deal: you can't get away from forever. You can call it boring, you can ignore it, but guess what? It's real life. Forever will happen whether you are living or dead, drinking or sober. And we could debate the black and white or grey, but if you drink the way many of us do here, and the way you stated in your first post, then there may not be room for grey.
Forever sober works for me, because I don't want my inevitable forever to involve all the messy and unnecessary debacles that alcohol was providing. If it gets boring I'll take up skydiving, or white water rafting, or I'll get a new career as an emergency medical technician or something very exciting and fast paced. But, sitting on bar stools and laying in bed hung over was frankly slow, so....
Take care of you.
-B
Thirty days is actually a lot of work. Think it isn't? Go look at your posts of the past month. Look at all the different things you've been doing, and think about how you had to get used to these changes. How much THOUGHT have you put into recovery? It's an immense amount of work. I think it's a lifetime thing, but that it gets to be less work as it goes on (I could be wrong, not having done it longer than 6 weeks). Why keep yourself in and out the high-intensity early recovery and high intensity alcoholic drinking forever?
Because here's the deal: you can't get away from forever. You can call it boring, you can ignore it, but guess what? It's real life. Forever will happen whether you are living or dead, drinking or sober. And we could debate the black and white or grey, but if you drink the way many of us do here, and the way you stated in your first post, then there may not be room for grey.
Forever sober works for me, because I don't want my inevitable forever to involve all the messy and unnecessary debacles that alcohol was providing. If it gets boring I'll take up skydiving, or white water rafting, or I'll get a new career as an emergency medical technician or something very exciting and fast paced. But, sitting on bar stools and laying in bed hung over was frankly slow, so....
Take care of you.
-B
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,822
I plan to never drink again. So at the end , the forever part, I will be a forever nondrinker. But I only 'am' and can act in the Now, so that is all I need to 'worry' about. I don't drink now ever. I'm going to let them all(the nows) add up and bundle them later, in a way different now, one I really neednt worry about. I'm now not drinking and I like it that way, part of (huge part) that is that I am not drinking, its working for me , now
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
I believe you need to get to a point where sobriety is part of your enjoyable lifestyle. I don't feel like I'm missing anything by not drinking. In fact, I have gained immeasurably in my recovery. What have you added to your life since you stopped drinking?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
There's a lot of different ways to try and beat addiction, but I wonder if you've tried reading up on AVRT? Because it sounds to me like you have a classic case of an Addictive Voice that is scared that you might actually be serious about stopping, and is fighting tooth and nail to get you drinking again.
It's an approach that may not work for everyone, but it helped me to identify where those voices are coming from that are still trying to talk me out of permanent sobriety. They're perfectly normal for any of us dealing with addictions. And the good news, is that you don't have to listen to their destructive lies about how much better life is with alcohol. I just read your first post and you'll never convince me that you genuinely believe that's the best lifestyle for you. And equally, I can't believe you seriously think you can enjoy that cold beer on a hot day without cracking open another 12 to go with it. You have the last 10 years as proof of that.
If the word "forever" is scary to you (well, to your very noisy Addictive Voice), then just tell yourself you don't drink now. It's always now, so the end result is the same, but it might be an easier way to look at it.
Good luck with your sober journey. It won't be easy, particularly if everyone in your family drinks so you may not get a lot of support there, but you're young enough to achieve all those dreams you mentioned and more, so it'll be worth it. Stopping drinking could well be the best decision you ever make in your life.
It's an approach that may not work for everyone, but it helped me to identify where those voices are coming from that are still trying to talk me out of permanent sobriety. They're perfectly normal for any of us dealing with addictions. And the good news, is that you don't have to listen to their destructive lies about how much better life is with alcohol. I just read your first post and you'll never convince me that you genuinely believe that's the best lifestyle for you. And equally, I can't believe you seriously think you can enjoy that cold beer on a hot day without cracking open another 12 to go with it. You have the last 10 years as proof of that.
If the word "forever" is scary to you (well, to your very noisy Addictive Voice), then just tell yourself you don't drink now. It's always now, so the end result is the same, but it might be an easier way to look at it.
Good luck with your sober journey. It won't be easy, particularly if everyone in your family drinks so you may not get a lot of support there, but you're young enough to achieve all those dreams you mentioned and more, so it'll be worth it. Stopping drinking could well be the best decision you ever make in your life.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
You're running on a few misconceptions there MR.
Life sober is not boring
Don't judge the rest of your life by where you are now. Early recovery is tough, but it gets better. You're in a transition phase.
Failure is not inevitable by any means either. There are folks around here with 30, 30 40 plus years recovery.
I'm not up there in years compared to folks like that but I love my life sober and I love who I am. It took a little work and effort but I'm glad I stuck with it. This is my new default.
and...the idea that you want one cold beer is pretty laughable if you drank like me.
Don't fall for the idea that you can go back to drinking and then stop on a dime again. That's not been true for me, and not true for most of us here.
We're here because we don't have that control.
Don't confuse abstinence for control.
Your inner addict seems to be driving the bus right now.
what are you gonna do about that MR?
D
Life sober is not boring
Don't judge the rest of your life by where you are now. Early recovery is tough, but it gets better. You're in a transition phase.
Failure is not inevitable by any means either. There are folks around here with 30, 30 40 plus years recovery.
I'm not up there in years compared to folks like that but I love my life sober and I love who I am. It took a little work and effort but I'm glad I stuck with it. This is my new default.
and...the idea that you want one cold beer is pretty laughable if you drank like me.
Don't fall for the idea that you can go back to drinking and then stop on a dime again. That's not been true for me, and not true for most of us here.
We're here because we don't have that control.
Don't confuse abstinence for control.
Your inner addict seems to be driving the bus right now.
what are you gonna do about that MR?
D
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Madruski 
If I set a "sober forever" goal, then I know I will slip because forever is boring.
You act like not drinking forever is a punishment, a sentence. Viewed that way you will struggle regardless of setting a time limit on your drinking or not.
Also, no one is guaranteed forever. We don't even know if we are guaranteed tomorrow. But you can choose to meet it sober if that's what you truly desire.
...holds the key
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
Ditto what Carl said ^^^^
Knowing I never have to drink again has made it possible for me to truly live my life. I'm free to pursue my goals without the mental obsession of if or when I drink again because drinking is not an option for me. I'm finally free and I'll never go back to the bondage of alcohol.
Knowing I never have to drink again has made it possible for me to truly live my life. I'm free to pursue my goals without the mental obsession of if or when I drink again because drinking is not an option for me. I'm finally free and I'll never go back to the bondage of alcohol.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 148
Thanks for the replies. Firstly just want to say that my first forum post , too Me was extremely liberating. I have never explained to someone how inadequate in life I felt , and how pathetic I felt - alcohol was the definite cause.
It was really difficult too write and explain all those thoughts because, frankly, its pathetic and embarrassing to show people what you have let yourself become. I can't even read it back to myself because I know how pathetic it is.
But over the past month I have seen a complete turn around in my life, or at least I saw a glimpse of the real me, the complete opposite of the person who write the first post. Writing it helped me to let go of those issues
Now I didn't mean sober life was boring, I meant that a "forever" goal feels unrealistic (boring) hence the small goals.
And someone mentioned that its fear of staying sober, I think that's 100% true so my alcoholic self is hanging onto that fear.
I like how soberwolf said "one day at a time" this definitely feels more realistic and rewarding.
atm I need more days under my belt to revaluate what mental tools I need to stay sober.
Again , iam truly embarrassed by my first post, but I needed to let it out and let it go so I can start going forward.
It was really difficult too write and explain all those thoughts because, frankly, its pathetic and embarrassing to show people what you have let yourself become. I can't even read it back to myself because I know how pathetic it is.
But over the past month I have seen a complete turn around in my life, or at least I saw a glimpse of the real me, the complete opposite of the person who write the first post. Writing it helped me to let go of those issues
Now I didn't mean sober life was boring, I meant that a "forever" goal feels unrealistic (boring) hence the small goals.
And someone mentioned that its fear of staying sober, I think that's 100% true so my alcoholic self is hanging onto that fear.
I like how soberwolf said "one day at a time" this definitely feels more realistic and rewarding.
atm I need more days under my belt to revaluate what mental tools I need to stay sober.
Again , iam truly embarrassed by my first post, but I needed to let it out and let it go so I can start going forward.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,285
No need to feel embarrassed by a post that expressed how you were feeling at that time!
I find that focusing on "how am I going to make it through the rest of my life sober" is like looking at climbing Mt Everest without having even taken a long hike. One day at a time is definitely the way to go and that doesn't mean we can't decide that alcohol is "off the table" at the same time. The first is a tool to get through the tough moments, the second is an affirmation of how we feel about alcohol.
I find that focusing on "how am I going to make it through the rest of my life sober" is like looking at climbing Mt Everest without having even taken a long hike. One day at a time is definitely the way to go and that doesn't mean we can't decide that alcohol is "off the table" at the same time. The first is a tool to get through the tough moments, the second is an affirmation of how we feel about alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
I used to find great relief in thinking that slipping was inevitable. It was like giving myself a free pass to drink.
But then when the hangovers started getting excruciating and I was sick all the time I started looking around here and thinking about how lots of people have one year, two years, 10 years without a single drink.
In fact, the people with a year or two or 10 seemed really happy and content. How could that be? In the four years that passed since joining this site to when I got sober in 2014 I thought that I was different than the people who stopped drinking. I thought I liked alcohol more. I thought I must have needed it more than them.
What's funny though is that even when I reached the end of my rope and I could not fathom taking another drink or suffering through one more hangover, The thought of forever still scared me. You know all the old clichés you hear in recovery? They are all true. Just take it one day at a time. Like tomorrow, you're not going to drink on Monday. Just Monday.
I admit that I used to think this was a big load of crap when I was still drinking but I haven't had a drink in 14 months and it's really been one day at a time.
Honestly, I don't even really think about drinking anymore but during certain times of stress I flash back to how I would've dealt with it in the past and I'd have to remind myself that drinking just is not going to happen ever again.
What do you miss about it so much? The hangovers?
But then when the hangovers started getting excruciating and I was sick all the time I started looking around here and thinking about how lots of people have one year, two years, 10 years without a single drink.
In fact, the people with a year or two or 10 seemed really happy and content. How could that be? In the four years that passed since joining this site to when I got sober in 2014 I thought that I was different than the people who stopped drinking. I thought I liked alcohol more. I thought I must have needed it more than them.
What's funny though is that even when I reached the end of my rope and I could not fathom taking another drink or suffering through one more hangover, The thought of forever still scared me. You know all the old clichés you hear in recovery? They are all true. Just take it one day at a time. Like tomorrow, you're not going to drink on Monday. Just Monday.
I admit that I used to think this was a big load of crap when I was still drinking but I haven't had a drink in 14 months and it's really been one day at a time.
Honestly, I don't even really think about drinking anymore but during certain times of stress I flash back to how I would've dealt with it in the past and I'd have to remind myself that drinking just is not going to happen ever again.
What do you miss about it so much? The hangovers?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
I have just one more question. In the end was drinking really that fun or exciting? I'm just thinking about how a lot of people think that life will be boring without alcohol but was life really that great with it?
Oh yeah I had some great times long ago I will admit. But actually those great times stopped probably about six years ago and then it became anything but great. Did you actually have fun the last time you drank? The last time I drank I was extremely sick and thought I was going to die.
Oh yeah I had some great times long ago I will admit. But actually those great times stopped probably about six years ago and then it became anything but great. Did you actually have fun the last time you drank? The last time I drank I was extremely sick and thought I was going to die.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 148
Originally Posted by Saskia
I find that focusing on "how am I going to make it through the rest of my life sober" is like looking at climbing Mt Everest without having even taken a long hike.
But I know I can't moderate. So its a no for me
This early on it seems like the withdrawls are kicking in, its like my alcoholic mind is grieving and fighting.
But it doesn't mean I slipping or wallowing in misery everyone, just anylyzing my situation and writing it down.
Today and tomorrow is an other sober 28th day.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
When I was a kid, I'd walk home from the school train...it was quite a walk...
so I developed a system of looking down at my feet, focusing on them moving forward....stepping from slab to slab on the footpath....eventually I'd look up and be amazed at how far I'd come
so it was with my recovery....
In the beginning I took it day by day cos the whole looming mountain vista was just overwhelming...but the more days I 'got' the farther I travelled...and then one day, I looked around me, and there I was...
so I developed a system of looking down at my feet, focusing on them moving forward....stepping from slab to slab on the footpath....eventually I'd look up and be amazed at how far I'd come
so it was with my recovery....
In the beginning I took it day by day cos the whole looming mountain vista was just overwhelming...but the more days I 'got' the farther I travelled...and then one day, I looked around me, and there I was...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
