Trying to figure out if I have blinders on.
 

Trying to figure out if I have blinders on. Without too much detail up front, are these signs of a healthy and normal relationship or did I end up in the place I swore I would never be in again?

Bullet Points

Co-dependent person with alcoholic relationships for over 25 years. Finally had someone open my eyes and guided me to the most wonderful counselor. Spent two years alone and learning about me. :) Felt so strong!

Met a guy and we agreed to meet at a employee gathering of his. Even after knowing my past, he was drunk when I got there. His co-workers assured me that this wasn't normal. (Red Flag buried).

Never really saw him drink much of anything. He had a job, worked late sometimes and took care of us. Very loving and respectful.

2011 - Economy still bad. We were both unemployed now because of the nature of our jobs. We became drinking buddies. He started having way too much and having blackouts and was physically abusive on two occasions. (That was nothing compared to what I dealt with in the previous relationship.)

A little over a year ago, he acknowledges that he is from a family of alcoholics and he is one himself. Quits drinking and joins AA.

Relationship as I knew it stops. No touching, no sex, says he doesn't know if he will want me anymore while recovering. Then it's probably "thyroid problems" and then he says he doesn't have feelings for me. One excuse after another for no contact.

Past month after catching him in lies about where he was (coffee with women from his past and AA). We start working on the relationship. It's wonderful! Attention, touching, sex, kind words, he finally starts working little jobs, etc.

Last night, I drank too much and told him to get out because I found he had gone out with another high school friend for coffee and hid it from me.

Today, he is saying that it's over. He feels trapped and cornered because he has to disclose his where abouts. But, it's my fault because I drank and kicked him out when I was upset about his lying again.

Yes, I want him back The last month was like the beginning. I know I messed up by drinking and not discussing it rationally. He won't give me an answer on whether he wants to work on it or not. Says he is swollen and tired and needs to think about it because I go crazy when I find out he lied.

So. Any opinions? Did I really mess up this time?

I don't think you messed up. Going out for coffee shouldn't be a big deal, but lying about it is. The previous physical abuse isn't cool. Some time during recovery would be good for him to work on himself and for you to take care of yourself. Early recovery is tough and we aren't ourselves for a good while, like a year. If you do get back, try not getting drunk around him, and if that doesn't work for you, there's an issue. At least try not getting drunk around him for the first year he's sober. I know, sounds like a long time but recovery takes time. Once in a while or out with your friends might be okay. Give it some time would be my advice... Disclaimer: I'm no love guru :-)

Trust me, I goofed up last night. No food, beginning of a long weekend from work. He is 14 months sober now. Well, alcohol sober, he still needs his weed a few times every day.

I guess I am just trying to understand, why can't he just say that he wants to work on things and come home? Why does he need a few days to think about it. It feels like a punishment.

And yes, I take full responsibility for my actions. Just can't understand why he can't forgive and forget after my sincere apologies and wants to drag it out for the weekend.

Welcome to the Forum Confusedchick!! :wave:

The red flag for me, reading your post, was when you said there were two incidents of physical abuse. That's not okay, ever. It also sounds like there are some big trust issues in the relationship. Maybe he's not ready to work on things and come home and this could be a time for you to relax and regroup with yourself. Enjoy your weekend and do some things you'd enjoy.

Hi confusedchick & welcome :)

I agree with Anna - physical violence is a line that cannot ever be crossed for me. It is a deal breaker.

I know you're enumerating the red flags here but as I read I was struck that there doesn't seem to be much in this relationship for you?

D

This is just my gut opinion, but if it were me I'd say 'Yep... You're right... It's over.'

Then I'd get back to being alone and back to a good counselor to look at why in the name of all that's how I could possibly want him back.

Lies, disrespect, poor treatment? Nope. There are mistakes and there is unacceptable, consistent behavior.

I would not put up with the latter and to me, that's what you've described.

Check out the book 'co-dependent no more'.

Ditch that guy, it's not healthy.

Thank you for the replies. After 8 years in this relationship, you'd think that I would know better. I guess knowing that he quit drinking "to make it a better situation for both of us" has kept me hanging on.

But, I was told tonight that his continuation of smoking weed means he still isn't sober, and him quitting AA during step 4 is another sign.

LMAO~ I'll post this as is. But I think I am seeing what I don't want to see as I type the problem and the responses.

Aww. Chick, it's hard to have the truth hit you like that, but no one deserves to be abused or lied to. Sounds like you'd be doing right by your self to take a nice long step back from that fellow. Hugs.

Cc, sometimes you take the drink away from an alcoholic jerk and what's left is a sober jerk. I can't say that that's the situation with you and your boyfriend because there is no way for me to know that. I just wanted to throw that out there for you to think about. Best of luck,

Delfin

It's hard to give up on a relationship that You've poured a bunch of love and hope into but this relationship just doesn't sound healthy in the least. Sounds like you're almost always worrying and wondering. That's not comfortable. I'd seriously start working on just why you want to stay with someone who doesn't treat you very well at all.

I've been in your shoes. Still am for that matter, so I know it's hard to let go. Sometimes though, you just have to.

For what it's worth, if he's getting high multiple times a day, he's not sober regardless of not drinking alcohol.

Check out the family and friends of alcoholics forum here on SR. Maybe read Co Dependent No More. Excellent book. Be well

Hard to tell to be honest.

Was just wondering if you have tried CoDa meetings for your Co-dependency (if there are any where you are). I'm finding them really helpful at the moment.

I suppose at the end of the day, it's back to acceptance. If he lies to you, it's not helpful. You can't control what he does to a large extent. Maybe if he could tell you why he lied it would be useful. (E.g. was he worried you'd get mad if he told you, when there was an actual good reason for meeting his old friend?) Chances are that he can't or won't though, if he still isn't sober.
All you can do is accept the things you can't change, and be courageous in changing the things you can. And maybe that courage could be used to make decisions about how best to care for yourself, and what you want and need from an intimate relationship, and if you're likely to get this with your current partner.
Only you will really be able to figure these things out, but it might be worth going back over the co-dependency basics before you do that if you're feeling wobbly.

Take care x

Welcome to SR ConfusedChick

Should I or shouldn't I divulge where I got the information from.
 

Update.

Boyfriend said he will come home today, but said that I need to divulge where I got the information from when I caught him lying about where he really was.

I don't feel comfortable sharing the information with him as one is a good common friend of ours.

Thoughts on how to handle this?

TIA

I'm confused about why he's feeling hard done by and persecuted. Yes, somebody dropped him in the s**t (intentionally or through an innocent aside). If you had gone for coffee with another man and lied about it then got caught out, I suspect he would have thought the worst as well.

Is he blaming your argument on the person who told you? Basically he should have been honest. He took a chance and lied and it backfired. Like I tell my pupils, when you try and be sneaky, getting caught is the chance you have chosen to take. It's no good getting cross when occasionally you get caught. Same as if you play a game, you have to take into account the risk of losing, and can't expect sympathy if you decide to be a bad loser when you do.

Do you actually WANT him to come back? He sounds like hard work, and not the kind of person who is going to be conducive to you taking care of yourself in the way you need to do if you are co-dependent. :(

(I'm so full of gratitude to be drama-free today. Serenity over excitement for me.)

Good luck x

Let's save that question for another day. I am feeling guilty over drinking and calling him out on his lies instead of speaking with him rationally about it. Alcohol intensified my reaction.

Actually, I am too tired right now to think about the consequences if I spill the beans. I still have a lot of thinking to do. I keep questioning why he told me he was with a male friend helping him to move when he was actually with a woman helping her move, and yet I'm the one in the wrong because I blew up on him.

Reading the characteristics of co-dependency again. I have fallen right back to who I was before the year of counseling a long time ago. I have a lot of work to do. And then we'll see where it all ends.

You two don't trust each other. That is the bottom line with an exclamation point.

Point well taken.

I agree with Anna ConfusedChick :hug:

Change the locks before he gets there.

It is absolutely none of his business how he got caught in a lie, and it's not at all your responsibility to tell him. Apparently he and his friend don't trust each other either.

Wish I had what it takes to change the locks and see the light of day. I have been here before. The excuses of why I need HIM. Financial, eight years of stuff to go through, he's still in the early recovery stages, I know that I can make a list of reasons to keep trying.

What I do know this time around is that I need to work on me and my falling back into co-dependency again. And maybe between his work on himself and me on myself, we can salvage the past 8 years? (See, another excuse to keep trying - the four letter word - HOPE)

I understand you want to salvage, CC - even after reading all this. That's your call.

I think working on you is a great idea.

You can't work on him, that's his job - so far it doesn't seem like he's doing much, though?.

D

No, he stopped before getting through step four. But I do know that I need to build up my self esteem and take care of me before I can really assess where we are. Too needy right now.

On a good note, we have agreed to go to counseling, so that's a step in the right direction. :)

The last time I was in a forum type environment, it amazed me to go back and read my posts years later. No matter what, the help, guidance and support you get in them and seeing how far you have come is amazing.

I am sure this time too, there are many who have read my posts here and are just shaking their heads. LOL.

I can't know what the right decision is for you. You are always free to choose. I also want to agree with others that when abuse emerges, then it's time to move on. I'm zero-tolerant on this issue, and that's my bias.

There are consequences for every decision we make, and we don't always suffer them immediately. Nor do we always recognize them for what they are. We're generally more inclined in romantic relationships to overlook "things" in order to keep the relationship going, sometimes at any cost. That's not always a bad thing. When this becomes the norm, then something new needs to be done in order to save ourselves.

Laboring through an unbalanced or unloving relationship for years at a time is equally as deadening as living a life of escape in active alcoholism. Only the consequences are less dramatic and more subtle. We still lose time and energy to live our lives as we'd like to, and we're still left empty and alone when the dust settles.

Horses are outfitted with blinders so that they won't be distracted by everything that's going on around them, such as when pulling a cart or in a race. It's in their owners' best interests for them not to see what they don't want them to see. Their eyes naturally look to the sides in order to sense danger, usually predators, and they need to focus only on moving forward in the race. If they were to notice what else is going on around them, they'd stop focusing on their owner's interests -- moving forward -- and would then have the freedom to move in any direction that they choose, or that moves them.

Everyone suffers. Everywhere. Every day. But living in a loveless relationship or a life of active alcoholism has been and would be unbearable for me with all that I now know. I think that most people would be ready to help someone to avoid unnecessary suffering when we think we can. That having been said, we sometimes need to suffer, to fall apart, in order to come together again. Struggling with our difficulties, rather than running from them, is a mature response. We're both allowed to and supposed to fail at things in life. If this were not so, then we would never take risks, and all our struggles would be rendered meaningless.

It seems as though you've made a commitment to work through all this. It may help for you to start reflecting on -- even planning on -- what you might do were the commitment to become chronically unbalanced, or were things to go south again, instead of relying on impulse the next time around.

I've always enjoyed working with couples in therapy. A word of caution: When one or both people feel threatened in the process by the inevitable necessity to change the status quo, they typically drop out and are never heard from again. (One or both typically signal this in the first session: "We really don't have the time/money for this, but we think our relationship is worth it." They give themselves an out right off the bat, though this is not unique to treating couples. When they eventually use time or money as an excuse to leave, they sometimes tell me that "everything's better now," after a couple of weeks, or that they now know "how to work things out" on their own.) It's most often the person who is most threatened by change in the fragile equilibrium who instigates the unilateral termination. Though it's generally accepted that both people contribute to the conflict, I don't believe in a 50/50 split. I simply cannot conceive of working with couples in that way. The only thing that both people tend to agree on is that they're not getting what they want from the other person, and often their desires are as unrealistic as your imagination allows. Just as often, one person's expectations tend to be more or less realistic, while the other's are self-centered, and/or immature. These are always delicate matters to navigate, and never resolve on their own. Never. Unless you consider one of the two just giving up and taking whatever they get a resolution. Stale crumbs for a starving person. You may or may not be amazed by what goes on behind closed doors.

You've got a rough road ahead, and you've already begun to reach out for help. Don't stop, even when things seem to be going just fine. You've both go a lot of history to overcome, and there is nothing more valuable that you have or that you own than your own life.

Thank you EndGameNYC - those are some great points and words of wisdom. I am sure I will be back to re-read these words many times over. This forum is so amazing!

I'm with D on this but tbh it sounds like you don't want to move on I'm not being critical just going to share something

My gf of 15 years moved out during the height of my alcoholism I wasn't violent or abusive but she got sick of me either being completely KO drunk or being really drunk to the point I'd be asleep within 1 hour of her being home I didn't eat I didn't interact I left the house in a mess I was basically a ghost who fell asleep in his own vomit sometimes

She had enough and I knew she meant it as she refused my calls blocked my number she got in touch with my family and told me to leave her alone

I can't tell you how much I knew she meant it and I seriously thought I lost her

The last thing she told me was I'l know if you have changed, Get sober for you, Don't call me il call you

She meant it aswell I had to face up to what I had become with no crutches no company just me a tv & a bed in a burnt out bedroom

I'm not joking this was the most real time of my life I had no internet just AA mtns & group therapy ... not to mention I was paying all the bills sometimes going short

ConfusedChick I know you don't want to hear this but to have the man you love you have to let him do this on his own maybe in a few months if he's doing well take it from there

Everybody is different & I send my best wishes

Thank you for that information! I have just joined recently, and have been reading many posts. It seems that many of us have the hope that the small changes we see mean that we'll get the prize at the end of the road. The same thing we saw when we met the guys. We are different than their ex's and we can get to the wonderful guy we saw in the beginning.

It's easy to take the good days and focus on that and make excuses for the occasional bad days. Especially when you realize you have the codependency issues. It's easy to focus on the good guys they are when you put the "blinders" on and refuse to look at the whole picture.

It's easy to decide to keep working on it when you have never had a good relationship because obviously, you don't know what a good healthy relationship is supposed to be like.

I do know how empowered I felt after counseling and leaving a lot of the bad habits behind me and know that is the strength that I want to find in myself again.

Just putting the OP in place and reading other posts/responses has enlightened me much more in just a couple of days.

I know that the advice given is completely correct. I would have been the one giving it when I was in love with me and out of all relationships with unhealthy individuals. But I also know how hard it is to get from here to there again.

Yes, when I first met him, he was a social drinker. It was after the unemployment that his old ways came back. When he joined AA, it was the first time I had any indication of his past problems with alcohol and drugs. I swore he wasn't an alcoholic because he wasn't like any of the others. Had a great job, didn't drink much, kind to the kids, fun, loving, smart and a great sense of humor.

I guess my hope is now that he has stopped drinking completely, that side of him will come back. And there is no way I would be able to see that guy with another woman. (LOL, I am sure that sentence will open some eyes here.)

If you've done it before, you can do it again. The hardest part is letting go of the things that are holding you back -- after that, your core self will remember what it was like when you were good enough for yourself, and did not need the validation of someone else to make you whole.

I've been there, and I know how you are feeling. I have great faith that you can rebuild that loving relationship with yourself.