Confusedchick

Wish I had what it takes to change the locks and see the light of day. I have been here before. The excuses of why I need HIM. Financial, eight years of stuff to go through, he's still in the early recovery stages, I know that I can make a list of reasons to keep trying.

What I do know this time around is that I need to work on me and my falling back into co-dependency again. And maybe between his work on himself and me on myself, we can salvage the past 8 years? (See, another excuse to keep trying - the four letter word - HOPE)

Dee74

I understand you want to salvage, CC - even after reading all this. That's your call.

I think working on you is a great idea.

You can't work on him, that's his job - so far it doesn't seem like he's doing much, though?.

D

Confusedchick

No, he stopped before getting through step four. But I do know that I need to build up my self esteem and take care of me before I can really assess where we are. Too needy right now.

On a good note, we have agreed to go to counseling, so that's a step in the right direction.

The last time I was in a forum type environment, it amazed me to go back and read my posts years later. No matter what, the help, guidance and support you get in them and seeing how far you have come is amazing.

I am sure this time too, there are many who have read my posts here and are just shaking their heads. LOL.

EndGameNYC

I can't know what the right decision is for you. You are always free to choose. I also want to agree with others that when abuse emerges, then it's time to move on. I'm zero-tolerant on this issue, and that's my bias.

There are consequences for every decision we make, and we don't always suffer them immediately. Nor do we always recognize them for what they are. We're generally more inclined in romantic relationships to overlook "things" in order to keep the relationship going, sometimes at any cost. That's not always a bad thing. When this becomes the norm, then something new needs to be done in order to save ourselves.

Laboring through an unbalanced or unloving relationship for years at a time is equally as deadening as living a life of escape in active alcoholism. Only the consequences are less dramatic and more subtle. We still lose time and energy to live our lives as we'd like to, and we're still left empty and alone when the dust settles.

Horses are outfitted with blinders so that they won't be distracted by everything that's going on around them, such as when pulling a cart or in a race. It's in their owners' best interests for them not to see what they don't want them to see. Their eyes naturally look to the sides in order to sense danger, usually predators, and they need to focus only on moving forward in the race. If they were to notice what else is going on around them, they'd stop focusing on their owner's interests -- moving forward -- and would then have the freedom to move in any direction that they choose, or that moves them.

Everyone suffers. Everywhere. Every day. But living in a loveless relationship or a life of active alcoholism has been and would be unbearable for me with all that I now know. I think that most people would be ready to help someone to avoid unnecessary suffering when we think we can. That having been said, we sometimes need to suffer, to fall apart, in order to come together again. Struggling with our difficulties, rather than running from them, is a mature response. We're both allowed to and supposed to fail at things in life. If this were not so, then we would never take risks, and all our struggles would be rendered meaningless.

It seems as though you've made a commitment to work through all this. It may help for you to start reflecting on -- even planning on -- what you might do were the commitment to become chronically unbalanced, or were things to go south again, instead of relying on impulse the next time around.

I've always enjoyed working with couples in therapy. A word of caution: When one or both people feel threatened in the process by the inevitable necessity to change the status quo, they typically drop out and are never heard from again. (One or both typically signal this in the first session: "We really don't have the time/money for this, but we think our relationship is worth it." They give themselves an out right off the bat, though this is not unique to treating couples. When they eventually use time or money as an excuse to leave, they sometimes tell me that "everything's better now," after a couple of weeks, or that they now know "how to work things out" on their own.) It's most often the person who is most threatened by change in the fragile equilibrium who instigates the unilateral termination. Though it's generally accepted that both people contribute to the conflict, I don't believe in a 50/50 split. I simply cannot conceive of working with couples in that way. The only thing that both people tend to agree on is that they're not getting what they want from the other person, and often their desires are as unrealistic as your imagination allows. Just as often, one person's expectations tend to be more or less realistic, while the other's are self-centered, and/or immature. These are always delicate matters to navigate, and never resolve on their own. Never. Unless you consider one of the two just giving up and taking whatever they get a resolution. Stale crumbs for a starving person. You may or may not be amazed by what goes on behind closed doors.

You've got a rough road ahead, and you've already begun to reach out for help. Don't stop, even when things seem to be going just fine. You've both go a lot of history to overcome, and there is nothing more valuable that you have or that you own than your own life.

Confusedchick

Thank you EndGameNYC - those are some great points and words of wisdom. I am sure I will be back to re-read these words many times over. This forum is so amazing!

Soberwolf

I'm with D on this but tbh it sounds like you don't want to move on I'm not being critical just going to share something

My gf of 15 years moved out during the height of my alcoholism I wasn't violent or abusive but she got sick of me either being completely KO drunk or being really drunk to the point I'd be asleep within 1 hour of her being home I didn't eat I didn't interact I left the house in a mess I was basically a ghost who fell asleep in his own vomit sometimes

She had enough and I knew she meant it as she refused my calls blocked my number she got in touch with my family and told me to leave her alone

I can't tell you how much I knew she meant it and I seriously thought I lost her

The last thing she told me was I'l know if you have changed, Get sober for you, Don't call me il call you

She meant it aswell I had to face up to what I had become with no crutches no company just me a tv & a bed in a burnt out bedroom

I'm not joking this was the most real time of my life I had no internet just AA mtns & group therapy ... not to mention I was paying all the bills sometimes going short

ConfusedChick I know you don't want to hear this but to have the man you love you have to let him do this on his own maybe in a few months if he's doing well take it from there

Everybody is different & I send my best wishes

Confusedchick

Thank you for that information! I have just joined recently, and have been reading many posts. It seems that many of us have the hope that the small changes we see mean that we'll get the prize at the end of the road. The same thing we saw when we met the guys. We are different than their ex's and we can get to the wonderful guy we saw in the beginning.

It's easy to take the good days and focus on that and make excuses for the occasional bad days. Especially when you realize you have the codependency issues. It's easy to focus on the good guys they are when you put the "blinders" on and refuse to look at the whole picture.

It's easy to decide to keep working on it when you have never had a good relationship because obviously, you don't know what a good healthy relationship is supposed to be like.

I do know how empowered I felt after counseling and leaving a lot of the bad habits behind me and know that is the strength that I want to find in myself again.

Just putting the OP in place and reading other posts/responses has enlightened me much more in just a couple of days.

I know that the advice given is completely correct. I would have been the one giving it when I was in love with me and out of all relationships with unhealthy individuals. But I also know how hard it is to get from here to there again.

Yes, when I first met him, he was a social drinker. It was after the unemployment that his old ways came back. When he joined AA, it was the first time I had any indication of his past problems with alcohol and drugs. I swore he wasn't an alcoholic because he wasn't like any of the others. Had a great job, didn't drink much, kind to the kids, fun, loving, smart and a great sense of humor.

I guess my hope is now that he has stopped drinking completely, that side of him will come back. And there is no way I would be able to see that guy with another woman. (LOL, I am sure that sentence will open some eyes here.)

SparkleKitty

If you've done it before, you can do it again. The hardest part is letting go of the things that are holding you back -- after that, your core self will remember what it was like when you were good enough for yourself, and did not need the validation of someone else to make you whole.

I've been there, and I know how you are feeling. I have great faith that you can rebuild that loving relationship with yourself.