I am relapsing as I write this thread...
 

Hey everyone,

At this moment I am relapsing... after 40 days.

I had half a bottle of wine with one pill of .5mg of xanax... it's not much as I have to go for work tomorrow morning.

Yet, I wish I could have more... I wish I could drink until there was nothing left. I'd like to take many more pills of xanax (anti-anxiety drug) - the urge to take MORE is intense.

I relapsed because I just don't care anymore.

I am bored/empty when sober - yet I feel alive when drinking.

My psychiatric issues won't be alleviated from sobriety. I've been on countless medication over the years for anxiety/depression/other problems and that didn't help either.

I think the life of an addict is a tragic one and is based in social isolation... we don't connect to others or fit into society as we'd like to yet we connect with alcohol...

I'm sorry to hear you are relapsing.

I know what it is like to feel alive while drinking and empty and boring while sober. The feelings you have while drinking are empty promises and impossible dreams. They will never bring you happiness. That emptiness or boredom that you feel while sober is the space to build a life that is more fulfilling, satisfying and happy to the point that you wouldn't trade it for even a moment of the false high of alcohol.

Thanks for coming here to post. I am pulling for you and hope you are able to stop the relapse right away.

Ugh, I am so sorry to hear this. As someone with just 10 days I look up to people like you with totals as great as 40 days.
I completely understand the urge to take and drink more more MORE. That is why people like you and me cannot have even just one. But you cannot do this to yourself. Stop it now. Pour it out and go to bed. STOP IT.
I 100% disagree with you about our ability to connect with others. I have found that I connect much better, in a more pure way when sober. Is it easy? NO! God no. But possible yes.
As an alcoholic I was the life of the party, sociable, friendly, an acquaintance to everyone. As a sober person I have my children, my boyfriend and a small handful of dear, real friends. Yes, I miss out on the ability to talk with anyone, dance, be, flaunt and flirt, the center of attention and great fun. But what I am gaining is so much more meaningful.
Who says we have to have an outstanding and abundant social life? Really? I get it, human interaction, relationships, connecting IS important. But it is not the end all be all to everything.
Life is full of compromises. Putting away the social butterfly and settling into a calmer, more private and less active social life is one thing I am willing to wager in order to reap the rewards or sobriety.
You are not alone. You are not an outcast. You are not beyond or above or below making connections, friendships and relationships just because you don't have the alcohol to lubricate such interactions. What you have to offer as a sober being is worth far more than the superficial interactions you engaged as a drunk.
Dump it out, drink some water and get to bed. YOu are worth more than this.

Nick I understand where your coming from : social isolation , but it doesn't have to be that way . You can find sober social activities & friends . At the end , I isolated myself for I pushed everyone away . Alone with alcohol is no better life ? Do you feel alive or numb - I have anxiety & I'm taking meds for it . Have you tried therapy - wish I could find a Magic solution , to help you . This is all I can come up with .. I'm sure others in dealing with this will post .:grouphug:

well... I'm sorry you are in the midst of this plunge...

I know that it can feel hopeless, helpless, not worth it....

I know that the pull of the drug and the promise of the booze-fueled escape can be overpowering...

I know what it's like to relapse...

I know what it's like to feel you'll never escape.... and aren't even sure you want to.


Almost two years sober, I know that life is hopeful, filled with help and totally worth it.

I know that the pull of the drug and the promise of the booze-fueled escape are just lies.

I know I never want to relapse.

I know that you can escape - and that deep inside, you really want to.

You can do it. Set down the alcohol. Toss away the pills. Whether you do so now - or when you're back here reading the words of your own post in some future moment..... set it all aside and choose your life. Choose all it can be. Choose to find the joy and the reward and the goodness and the depth and the pure simple realness of your existence for everything it is worth.

Oh... it's so worth it.

Hi Nick
I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I could say 'get some hobbies, go to AA' but I know, where you are right now, that will sound trite and empty. Even though that stuff can help :)

You have mental illness so you are dual diagnosis, as many alcoholics are, including myself. I don't know you so I'll ask, have you worked on pin pointing the source of your anxiety? Maybe some depression too?

Your last statement is very telling. I agree with you that isolation (emotional, physical and spiritual) is at the foundation for many addicts. For me it is so hard NOT to isolate when I'm feeling like you are now but connection of some kind is the key to me feeling better. I use alcohol to fill a deep void in my sense of self. Connecting with something in order to fill this void is very important. Yes people, although they scare me. But also nature, my pets, my garden, my yoga practice. Anything to 'feel' me in there somewhere.

Please don't drink tomorrow. The hole only gets deeper.

Nick - have you considered live f2f support? For many, including myself it has made a world of difference. A kinship of suffering if you will - people we readily identify with having common threads.

I found I had to do things way outside the norm for me or nothing really changed.

Glad you're here posting

Nick, the fact that you are posting now is a good indicator that part of you isn't happy about drinking again. I also have had much depression and anxiety - and alcohol made it worse!

Nick pour the rest out if you didn't care you wouldn't post

Don't make it worse bud

Great level headed advice. Just one note : From what I understand 40 days isn't really long enough to expect to reap the benefits of sobriety. I encourage you to set your goals much higher and set your expectations a bit lower for how quick your life is going to improve, else you are in danger of giving up sobriety before the healing can do it's work.

I'd say there's some part of you Nick that does care, otherwise you wouldn't be posting.

Regroup tomorrow, get some rest tonight and reassess things, SR is in your corner!! :grouphug:

I really believed that once Nic, but it's not really true.

To really connect with others we have to find our true selves first...to find our true selves we need to put the bottle down and keep it down.

I hope you'll check in again. Todays a great day to make some changes :)

D

I'm only at 54 days sober myself so won't give advice but I hope you find the support you need through SR and take onboard what everyone here has said

I am so sorry that your going through such a tough time. I like many others here on SR understand what it feels like to be socially isolated. It's not just boring, it can be painful. Many people here have posted their struggles with this also. For me, I had to work hard at getting out of myself, and getting out of my apartment and at least be around other people. I might not connect with them on a personal level, but just being around them helps, if that makes sense. I actually had a conversation with someone at the gym I go to today. Doesn't happen often, but it beats sitting on my sofa with a 12 pack.
What I also got tired of was the constant struggle to moderate my drinking and the internal pain it caused. To me, being alone is tough, but being alone and dealing with this pain is much worse. Hope that helps. Take care. John

Lots of connections here at SR. We all understand. Wishing the best for you.

It takes a while to feel normal after you stop drinking/drugging. You have to push through it and be very strong and you WILL find the other side. If I can, anyone can.... There is a lot out here in the sober world, but the alcohol numbs us so much and makes us almost disordered when it comes to emotions and being able to interact like "regular" people. But little by little, you get to laugh, and connect and BE a part of things. It is very slow at first and not what we are used to- after all, we love that immediate (FALSE) feeling of connection that alcohol brings. But it's a LIE- we are not connecting with anything or anyone. You can only connect when you are YOU and that is impossible when using. Please trust my words, I have been through this over and over and know the truth- sober is the only way and it is worth every bit of effort you make. You had 40 days. That's PHENOMENAL. Put down the bottle and go back. You can do this. I promise.

I'm rooting for you.

[QUOTE=NickOz21;5541003]

Yet, I wish I could have more... I wish I could drink until there was nothing left. I'd like to take many more pills of xanax (anti-anxiety drug) - the urge to take MORE is intense.

[QUOTE]

Yes, once I unleash the devil
there is no telling where I will end up.
Grab hold of yourself
before you once again enter the tunnel of darkness.

MM

Those 12 steps of AA helped me to overcome this.

That's my experience.

I'm sorry you are relapsing and that you feel so much despair. I remember feeling the way you are now, and believing that it was hopeless to try to find happiness. But, as others have said, you can get past that. It is hard for some of us to connect, but I actually found that it was easier once I was in recovery and the connections were so much better.

How are you doing, Nick?