Is four times a charm??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: nj
Posts: 78
Is four times a charm??
So, this is my fourth time trying. You'll see I started here in 2012. Failed.
Came back in 2013. Failed. Quit again in April 2015. Made it 47 days. Failed.
And here again.
Thought these failures I have realized that I am really an alcoholic. I can't be trusted. And I feel like such a failure.
5 days in. It could have been 145 if I stuck with Aprils quit.
Below is what I wrote back in December 2013. I should have seen the handwriting on the wall then.
Will fourth time be the charm?! I hope so.
So I'm back. In May 2012 I wrote this and some sweet people posted and help me. I'm ashamed that I failed. I failed them and me
and couldn't stay the course. Actually got worse. I guess I answered my question. Hindsight has a way of being 20/20 I guess.
I woke up at three am, sick, an said that today would be the day. I hope it is.
From May 2012---
ll'm really glad I stumbled on here. I have been lurking for awhile, trying to decide ... "do I have a problem, or not?"
I'm still not convinced either way, I guess that is kinda normal.
Anyway, a little about me... I am 38, married woman, and on the surface, I have it together. Awesome job, hubby, side job teaching fitness, back in school for a second master's degree. But, it is SORT of a facade.
I've struggled with what I call "undiagnosed" depression, as I have never seen a MD. I'm not sure that really has anything to do with why I am here.
So, anyway, married five years ago, and thats when things went downhill in terms of booze. I was always always a social drinker, maybe a couple of beers on the weekend and that was it. Wild and crazy, a glass of wine with Mom.
But, things changed. Insidiously, the weekends turned into weekdays, and you get the picture. And my hubby has little self control so we drank together. That was our hobby -- go for long "pub crawls" -- hang out, have lunch, drink wine. It was all so innocent at first.
I NEVER thought I had a problem ...
Now I look back....
We had some NASTY FIGHTS - in public! Cops called, he got thrown off a bus, I almost got arrested. Broke my front door, scratched up neighbors car. The worst was when I took a bus to the restaurant the next day to pick up my car. I got there and realized I drove it home in an alcoholic blackout. Blacked out in a hotel on vacation and worried that someone may have attacked me and I didn't know. Late for work. dry heaving on the bus. Blamed my poor trainer for me not losing weight ... ugh!
You see, I have never been able to accept that fate isn't the one that deals me a bad hand every now and then, that the world isn't against me, etc. I have always placed the blame outside of myself. I blamed my drinking on everyone else.
fast forward ... I've quit several times. No DTs, no major trauma, save for some HORRIBLE BLOATING. Did anyone else have that???
I quit again .. well lets say, I am at the "weekend drinker" point. No major benders -- but probably too many glasses of wine on the weekends. Funny thing is, no one would think twice about it normally. It is actually really easy (don't hate me) to quit during the week.
So, my questions are --
Is anyone in my place?
What am I considered?
Came back in 2013. Failed. Quit again in April 2015. Made it 47 days. Failed.
And here again.
Thought these failures I have realized that I am really an alcoholic. I can't be trusted. And I feel like such a failure.
5 days in. It could have been 145 if I stuck with Aprils quit.
Below is what I wrote back in December 2013. I should have seen the handwriting on the wall then.
Will fourth time be the charm?! I hope so.
So I'm back. In May 2012 I wrote this and some sweet people posted and help me. I'm ashamed that I failed. I failed them and me
and couldn't stay the course. Actually got worse. I guess I answered my question. Hindsight has a way of being 20/20 I guess.
I woke up at three am, sick, an said that today would be the day. I hope it is.
From May 2012---
ll'm really glad I stumbled on here. I have been lurking for awhile, trying to decide ... "do I have a problem, or not?"
I'm still not convinced either way, I guess that is kinda normal.
Anyway, a little about me... I am 38, married woman, and on the surface, I have it together. Awesome job, hubby, side job teaching fitness, back in school for a second master's degree. But, it is SORT of a facade.
I've struggled with what I call "undiagnosed" depression, as I have never seen a MD. I'm not sure that really has anything to do with why I am here.
So, anyway, married five years ago, and thats when things went downhill in terms of booze. I was always always a social drinker, maybe a couple of beers on the weekend and that was it. Wild and crazy, a glass of wine with Mom.
But, things changed. Insidiously, the weekends turned into weekdays, and you get the picture. And my hubby has little self control so we drank together. That was our hobby -- go for long "pub crawls" -- hang out, have lunch, drink wine. It was all so innocent at first.
I NEVER thought I had a problem ...
Now I look back....
We had some NASTY FIGHTS - in public! Cops called, he got thrown off a bus, I almost got arrested. Broke my front door, scratched up neighbors car. The worst was when I took a bus to the restaurant the next day to pick up my car. I got there and realized I drove it home in an alcoholic blackout. Blacked out in a hotel on vacation and worried that someone may have attacked me and I didn't know. Late for work. dry heaving on the bus. Blamed my poor trainer for me not losing weight ... ugh!
You see, I have never been able to accept that fate isn't the one that deals me a bad hand every now and then, that the world isn't against me, etc. I have always placed the blame outside of myself. I blamed my drinking on everyone else.
fast forward ... I've quit several times. No DTs, no major trauma, save for some HORRIBLE BLOATING. Did anyone else have that???
I quit again .. well lets say, I am at the "weekend drinker" point. No major benders -- but probably too many glasses of wine on the weekends. Funny thing is, no one would think twice about it normally. It is actually really easy (don't hate me) to quit during the week.
So, my questions are --
Is anyone in my place?
What am I considered?
aka Nesty
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Northern Vt.
Posts: 1,554
Snarky truthfully to me it sounds like your not following though with a Plan , Or have a good one in place ? Didn't look up your story , but to begin with do you stay away from Persons , Places & Things ? To me that was the Key , plus have tools to use when your AV starts in 
...holds the key
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
Hi snarky!
You obviously think you have a problem....doesn't really matter what you're considered or what you call it. I say that because you spend an awful lot of time thinking about and analyzing your drinking. The question is, do you want to do something about it? Do you think your life would improve sans alcohol?
Xoxo
You obviously think you have a problem....doesn't really matter what you're considered or what you call it. I say that because you spend an awful lot of time thinking about and analyzing your drinking. The question is, do you want to do something about it? Do you think your life would improve sans alcohol?
Xoxo
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,428
I don't go much for hierarchies.
I've been everything from a binge drinker through weekend warrior to everyday drinker...a problems a problem.
I had to change a lot of things ion order for me to stay sober...not only where I used to hang and the people I used to hang with, but the way I solves problems, stress of boredom too.
It sounds immense..but it's really not.I must have had 444 attempts...I was scared of change...but this change was actually a brilliant one.
if you're prepared to make some changes too, you'll be fine
D
I've been everything from a binge drinker through weekend warrior to everyday drinker...a problems a problem.
I had to change a lot of things ion order for me to stay sober...not only where I used to hang and the people I used to hang with, but the way I solves problems, stress of boredom too.
It sounds immense..but it's really not.I must have had 444 attempts...I was scared of change...but this change was actually a brilliant one.
if you're prepared to make some changes too, you'll be fine
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: nj
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by NestWasEmpty 
Snarky truthfully to me it sounds like your not following though with a Plan , Or have a good one in place ? Didn't look up your story , but to begin with do you stay away from Persons , Places & Things ? To me that was the Key , plus have tools to use when your AV starts in
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: nj
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by Dee74
I don't go much for hierarchies.
I've been everything from a binge drinker through weekend warrior to everyday drinker...a problems a problem.
I had to change a lot of things ion order for me to stay sober...not only where I used to hang and the people I used to hang with, but the way I solves problems, stress of boredom too.
It sounds immense..but it's really not.I must have had 444 attempts...I was scared of change...but this change was actually a brilliant one.
if you're prepared to make some changes too, you'll be fine
D
I've been everything from a binge drinker through weekend warrior to everyday drinker...a problems a problem.
I had to change a lot of things ion order for me to stay sober...not only where I used to hang and the people I used to hang with, but the way I solves problems, stress of boredom too.
It sounds immense..but it's really not.I must have had 444 attempts...I was scared of change...but this change was actually a brilliant one.
if you're prepared to make some changes too, you'll be fine
D
Thank you. I feel much better
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