What if we haven't hit rock bottom?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Like Dhama, I was sick an tired of feeling sick and tired.
What was I sick and tired of??
Myself - and hating who I'd (secretly) become - I say secretly because I thought and did a lot of things that I was lucky enough to not get caught / called out on about. But I knew. I didn't want to live with that person any more, plus I was sure that one day it would all blow up on me and I'd be exposed for the hideous person I was. So I was always full of fear; shame; anxiety and resentment about my actions and things I'd said and done when drunk, and maintaining my relationships.
Always being behind and unprepared for my work, which made a stressful job even more stressful than it needed to be. So I was always full of fear; shame; anxiety and resentment about my job.
Always running out of money / being behind with bills / irresponsible spending on booze and after booze. So I was always full of fear; shame; anxiety and resentment about my finances.
Always running out of time to do chores - so I lived in disorganised chaos. My home was a filthy tip, and there was rarely food in the fridge that could be hashed together to make a decent meal. If I did shop for groceries then what I bought would be fairly random, and generally I'd not bother cooking them up and they'd rot in the fridge for several weeks (or more) before I got around to throwing them out and buying more. So I was always full of fear; shame; anxiety and resentment about my home. I love pretty things, and living that way affected my mental health pretty badly.
I suppose I had a vague acceptance of the fact that the root cause of all this chaos and how I acted, was my drinking. I tried to cut down in a number of failed attempts before, in Lent 2014 I gave up booze for the whole of Lent. As the end of Lent approached I knew what would happen as soon as I started drinking again. Not that Lent itself has been easy. Far from it. I'd been a dry-drunk, still sitting in bars just full of self-pity instead of alcohol. The fear; shame; anxiety and resentment had intensified if anything, and the day after Lent I made the decision to seek help and learn to Live (with a purposeful capitalised 'L') Sober. I didn't understand the difference between Sobriety and Recovery at that point and it took some time for me to realise that I wanted both. Sobriety alone wasn't enough.
Now. 18 months into recovery, I'm pleased (and amazed) to report that the fear; shame; anxiety and resentment that troubled my every waking, sober thought before, now rarely troubles me, and when it does, I am able to deal with whatever is causing it.
I was thinking at the weekend, that my Sobriety and Recovery mean so much to me. So much more than my Cambridge University degree does for example. I know that it took a lot of work. A lot of fear-facing. And a lot of self-honesty to get here, and it was painful at times. But I wouldn't have it any other way.
I still have to watch for silliness. For example, today I'm off work sick. The shame visited me briefly, and I reminded myself that I am ILL. Not hung over. I need to go to the doctors and get well, and am acting responsibly. There is nothing to feel shame over. I have been able to email lesson plans, resources, and pupil notes because I was prepared and organised. I will go to the doctor without being overwhelmed with fear of what they might discover.
So - maybe to others it would seem that there was no 'rock bottom' for me. But I am just so grateful that I stopped digging when I did, and so, so grateful to my AA fellows and sponsor for teaching and supporting me. I love my sober life.
What was I sick and tired of??
Myself - and hating who I'd (secretly) become - I say secretly because I thought and did a lot of things that I was lucky enough to not get caught / called out on about. But I knew. I didn't want to live with that person any more, plus I was sure that one day it would all blow up on me and I'd be exposed for the hideous person I was. So I was always full of fear; shame; anxiety and resentment about my actions and things I'd said and done when drunk, and maintaining my relationships.
Always being behind and unprepared for my work, which made a stressful job even more stressful than it needed to be. So I was always full of fear; shame; anxiety and resentment about my job.
Always running out of money / being behind with bills / irresponsible spending on booze and after booze. So I was always full of fear; shame; anxiety and resentment about my finances.
Always running out of time to do chores - so I lived in disorganised chaos. My home was a filthy tip, and there was rarely food in the fridge that could be hashed together to make a decent meal. If I did shop for groceries then what I bought would be fairly random, and generally I'd not bother cooking them up and they'd rot in the fridge for several weeks (or more) before I got around to throwing them out and buying more. So I was always full of fear; shame; anxiety and resentment about my home. I love pretty things, and living that way affected my mental health pretty badly.
I suppose I had a vague acceptance of the fact that the root cause of all this chaos and how I acted, was my drinking. I tried to cut down in a number of failed attempts before, in Lent 2014 I gave up booze for the whole of Lent. As the end of Lent approached I knew what would happen as soon as I started drinking again. Not that Lent itself has been easy. Far from it. I'd been a dry-drunk, still sitting in bars just full of self-pity instead of alcohol. The fear; shame; anxiety and resentment had intensified if anything, and the day after Lent I made the decision to seek help and learn to Live (with a purposeful capitalised 'L') Sober. I didn't understand the difference between Sobriety and Recovery at that point and it took some time for me to realise that I wanted both. Sobriety alone wasn't enough.
Now. 18 months into recovery, I'm pleased (and amazed) to report that the fear; shame; anxiety and resentment that troubled my every waking, sober thought before, now rarely troubles me, and when it does, I am able to deal with whatever is causing it.
I was thinking at the weekend, that my Sobriety and Recovery mean so much to me. So much more than my Cambridge University degree does for example. I know that it took a lot of work. A lot of fear-facing. And a lot of self-honesty to get here, and it was painful at times. But I wouldn't have it any other way.
I still have to watch for silliness. For example, today I'm off work sick. The shame visited me briefly, and I reminded myself that I am ILL. Not hung over. I need to go to the doctors and get well, and am acting responsibly. There is nothing to feel shame over. I have been able to email lesson plans, resources, and pupil notes because I was prepared and organised. I will go to the doctor without being overwhelmed with fear of what they might discover.
So - maybe to others it would seem that there was no 'rock bottom' for me. But I am just so grateful that I stopped digging when I did, and so, so grateful to my AA fellows and sponsor for teaching and supporting me. I love my sober life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Originally Posted by Beccybean 
Like Dhama, I was sick an tired of feeling sick and tired.
What was I sick and tired of??
Myself - and hating who I'd (secretly) become - I say secretly because I thought and did a lot of things that I was lucky enough to not get caught / called out on about. But I knew. I didn't want to live with that person any more, plus I was sure that one day it would all blow up on me and I'd be exposed for the hideous person I was. So I was always full of fear; shame; anxiety and resentment about my actions and things I'd said and done when drunk, and maintaining my relationships.
Always being behind and unprepared for my work, which made a stressful job even more stressful than it needed to be. So I was always full of fear; shame; anxiety and resentment about my job.
Always running out of money / being behind with bills / irresponsible spending on booze and after booze. So I was always full of fear; shame; anxiety and resentment about my finances.
Always running out of time to do chores - so I lived in disorganised chaos. My home was a filthy tip, and there was rarely food in the fridge that could be hashed together to make a decent meal. If I did shop for groceries then what I bought would be fairly random, and generally I'd not bother cooking them up and they'd rot in the fridge for several weeks (or more) before I got around to throwing them out and buying more. So I was always full of fear; shame; anxiety and resentment about my home. I love pretty things, and living that way affected my mental health pretty badly.
I suppose I had a vague acceptance of the fact that the root cause of all this chaos and how I acted, was my drinking. I tried to cut down in a number of failed attempts before, in Lent 2014 I gave up booze for the whole of Lent. As the end of Lent approached I knew what would happen as soon as I started drinking again. Not that Lent itself has been easy. Far from it. I'd been a dry-drunk, still sitting in bars just full of self-pity instead of alcohol. The fear; shame; anxiety and resentment had intensified if anything, and the day after Lent I made the decision to seek help and learn to Live (with a purposeful capitalised 'L') Sober. I didn't understand the difference between Sobriety and Recovery at that point and it took some time for me to realise that I wanted both. Sobriety alone wasn't enough.
Now. 18 months into recovery, I'm pleased (and amazed) to report that the fear; shame; anxiety and resentment that troubled my every waking, sober thought before, now rarely troubles me, and when it does, I am able to deal with whatever is causing it.
I was thinking at the weekend, that my Sobriety and Recovery mean so much to me. So much more than my Cambridge University degree does for example. I know that it took a lot of work. A lot of fear-facing. And a lot of self-honesty to get here, and it was painful at times. But I wouldn't have it any other way.
I still have to watch for silliness. For example, today I'm off work sick. The shame visited me briefly, and I reminded myself that I am ILL. Not hung over. I need to go to the doctors and get well, and am acting responsibly. There is nothing to feel shame over. I have been able to email lesson plans, resources, and pupil notes because I was prepared and organised. I will go to the doctor without being overwhelmed with fear of what they might discover.
So - maybe to others it would seem that there was no 'rock bottom' for me. But I am just so grateful that I stopped digging when I did, and so, so grateful to my AA fellows and sponsor for teaching and supporting me. I love my sober life.
What was I sick and tired of??
Myself - and hating who I'd (secretly) become - I say secretly because I thought and did a lot of things that I was lucky enough to not get caught / called out on about. But I knew. I didn't want to live with that person any more, plus I was sure that one day it would all blow up on me and I'd be exposed for the hideous person I was. So I was always full of fear; shame; anxiety and resentment about my actions and things I'd said and done when drunk, and maintaining my relationships.
Always being behind and unprepared for my work, which made a stressful job even more stressful than it needed to be. So I was always full of fear; shame; anxiety and resentment about my job.
Always running out of money / being behind with bills / irresponsible spending on booze and after booze. So I was always full of fear; shame; anxiety and resentment about my finances.
Always running out of time to do chores - so I lived in disorganised chaos. My home was a filthy tip, and there was rarely food in the fridge that could be hashed together to make a decent meal. If I did shop for groceries then what I bought would be fairly random, and generally I'd not bother cooking them up and they'd rot in the fridge for several weeks (or more) before I got around to throwing them out and buying more. So I was always full of fear; shame; anxiety and resentment about my home. I love pretty things, and living that way affected my mental health pretty badly.
I suppose I had a vague acceptance of the fact that the root cause of all this chaos and how I acted, was my drinking. I tried to cut down in a number of failed attempts before, in Lent 2014 I gave up booze for the whole of Lent. As the end of Lent approached I knew what would happen as soon as I started drinking again. Not that Lent itself has been easy. Far from it. I'd been a dry-drunk, still sitting in bars just full of self-pity instead of alcohol. The fear; shame; anxiety and resentment had intensified if anything, and the day after Lent I made the decision to seek help and learn to Live (with a purposeful capitalised 'L') Sober. I didn't understand the difference between Sobriety and Recovery at that point and it took some time for me to realise that I wanted both. Sobriety alone wasn't enough.
Now. 18 months into recovery, I'm pleased (and amazed) to report that the fear; shame; anxiety and resentment that troubled my every waking, sober thought before, now rarely troubles me, and when it does, I am able to deal with whatever is causing it.
I was thinking at the weekend, that my Sobriety and Recovery mean so much to me. So much more than my Cambridge University degree does for example. I know that it took a lot of work. A lot of fear-facing. And a lot of self-honesty to get here, and it was painful at times. But I wouldn't have it any other way.
I still have to watch for silliness. For example, today I'm off work sick. The shame visited me briefly, and I reminded myself that I am ILL. Not hung over. I need to go to the doctors and get well, and am acting responsibly. There is nothing to feel shame over. I have been able to email lesson plans, resources, and pupil notes because I was prepared and organised. I will go to the doctor without being overwhelmed with fear of what they might discover.
So - maybe to others it would seem that there was no 'rock bottom' for me. But I am just so grateful that I stopped digging when I did, and so, so grateful to my AA fellows and sponsor for teaching and supporting me. I love my sober life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Dublin
Posts: 75
First, congrats on 39 days!
I bumped along "a" bottom for about 6 or 7 years. I was a functioning alcoholic but never drank at work, never drank in the morning but got drunk every night and suffered through hangovers and poor performance at work. I tried to give up every few weeks but only lasted a day or two at a time before back to the same pattern.
So this wasn't rock bottom I suppose but a horrible kind of limbo that could have continued for years longer until the medical consequences caught up with me even more than they had started to. In a strange way had I allowed myself to sink further I may have got sober sooner, who knows.
Now coming up on 8 months sober and haven't felt better in 25 years. If you are worried about the motivations (as you hint you may be), the effects of being sober (when they fully kick in) are what keep me going - it's as if I have my life back.
All the best.
I bumped along "a" bottom for about 6 or 7 years. I was a functioning alcoholic but never drank at work, never drank in the morning but got drunk every night and suffered through hangovers and poor performance at work. I tried to give up every few weeks but only lasted a day or two at a time before back to the same pattern.
So this wasn't rock bottom I suppose but a horrible kind of limbo that could have continued for years longer until the medical consequences caught up with me even more than they had started to. In a strange way had I allowed myself to sink further I may have got sober sooner, who knows.
Now coming up on 8 months sober and haven't felt better in 25 years. If you are worried about the motivations (as you hint you may be), the effects of being sober (when they fully kick in) are what keep me going - it's as if I have my life back.
All the best.
Last edited by esoxlucius; 10-07-2015 at 03:05 AM. Reason: Grammar
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 185
Originally Posted by esoxlucius
First, congrats on 39 days! I bumped along "a" bottom for about 6 or 7 years. I was a functioning alcoholic but never drank at work, never drank in the morning but got drunk every night and suffered through hangovers and poor performance at work. I tried to give up every few weeks but only lasted a day or two at a time before back to the same pattern. So this wasn't rock bottom I suppose but a horrible kind of limbo that could have continued for years longer until the medical consequences caught up with me even more than they had started to. In a strange way had I allowed myself to sink further I may have got sober sooner, who knows. Now coming up on 8 months sober and haven't felt better in 25 years. If you are worried about the motivations (as you hint you may be), the effects of being sober (when they fully kick in) are what keep me going - it's as if I have my life back. All the best.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 919
I didn't hit rock bottom. I don't even remember what triggered me stopping drinking on Sept 1st. I know I have a long history of trying to stop, I know that drinking is bad for me, but no big event triggered this. It was a measured response to years of abusing myself. There is no one path to any part of self improvement. That's my philosophy anyhow. I'm no sage and I'm new at this though.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
Originally Posted by Fly N Buy
I've heard others say ones bottom is when we choose to stop digging. That works for me. 39 days is a great start - well done!!
We as a group can over think a lot of things. I fall into the sick and tired category and not necessarily totally dire consequences. I put my shovel away, hopefully.
Glad you're here with us
We as a group can over think a lot of things. I fall into the sick and tired category and not necessarily totally dire consequences. I put my shovel away, hopefully.
Glad you're here with us
I also could dig a few more shovels out of the hole but ive put my shovel away .
Well done .
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