Can you recover, and keep it a secret?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 6
Can you recover, and keep it a secret?
I'll start with the news that I "relapsed" I am not sure if I can use that word seeing as I was sober for only a matter of days, but I will.
The weekends are the hardest, I fear this coming one (seeing as it is a long one). How do you fight the urge... Friday night, everyone is out boozing it up, and you're at home with an itch that you just can't scratch. Any tips would be WELCOME.
My big question though is this. My current friend group is comprised of the people I met in college in an atmosphere of binge drinking and just overall stupidity (despite being a place of academia) and in school we were all big drinkers. Since graduating, most of them have been able to curb their drinking to social aspects and the occasional weekend out.
This past Friday, I had an internal struggle. I told myself all day at work "tonight you are going home, watching a movie, drinking some sleepytime tea, hopping into bed and reading until you cant keep your eyes open." However, FOMO got the better of me and I went out and drank. I love my friends, but we are a group who happily exchanges playful barbs and if I told them I was trying to stop drinking they'd tease me over it "yeah, right" "that'll be the day" to "come on, don't be lame" "you don't have a problem."
I don't know what to do. Can you sober up in secret? I managed to abstain on Saturday (due to the hangover which was surprising - usually around 8 PM I always tell myself that some Hair of the dog will do wonders and then repeat the previous night). You forget how wonderful a Sunday morning can be until you wake up and reach for your eye glasses as opposed to your water glass and the advil.
I love my friends and I do believe that once I have a chunk of sobriety under my belt that I can say "No" and then inform them that I have stopped. Telling them 2 days in has no merit. Am I a bad friend if I distance myself from them for a while (Months)?
The weekends are the hardest, I fear this coming one (seeing as it is a long one). How do you fight the urge... Friday night, everyone is out boozing it up, and you're at home with an itch that you just can't scratch. Any tips would be WELCOME.
My big question though is this. My current friend group is comprised of the people I met in college in an atmosphere of binge drinking and just overall stupidity (despite being a place of academia) and in school we were all big drinkers. Since graduating, most of them have been able to curb their drinking to social aspects and the occasional weekend out.
This past Friday, I had an internal struggle. I told myself all day at work "tonight you are going home, watching a movie, drinking some sleepytime tea, hopping into bed and reading until you cant keep your eyes open." However, FOMO got the better of me and I went out and drank. I love my friends, but we are a group who happily exchanges playful barbs and if I told them I was trying to stop drinking they'd tease me over it "yeah, right" "that'll be the day" to "come on, don't be lame" "you don't have a problem."
I don't know what to do. Can you sober up in secret? I managed to abstain on Saturday (due to the hangover which was surprising - usually around 8 PM I always tell myself that some Hair of the dog will do wonders and then repeat the previous night). You forget how wonderful a Sunday morning can be until you wake up and reach for your eye glasses as opposed to your water glass and the advil.
I love my friends and I do believe that once I have a chunk of sobriety under my belt that I can say "No" and then inform them that I have stopped. Telling them 2 days in has no merit. Am I a bad friend if I distance myself from them for a while (Months)?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 101
Many people on SR will tell you that when you’re new to sobriety it is best to stay away from anything and anyone that might tempt you to drink. This means not going to bars/parties or hanging out with drinking buddies. Distancing yourself is not being a “bad friend”; it is what you need to do to get sober and stay sober.
I also don’t think that there’s a set period of time before you need to tell your friends about your to choice to be sober; however if you’re serious about not drinking then eventually you will have to tell people. If they’re really good friends they will support and respect your choice to stop drinking.
When I stopped drinking I didn’t make a big deal out of it. I basically just stopped drinking and over time people have come to accept that I’m a non-drinker and they’re really not bothered by it.
I also don’t think that there’s a set period of time before you need to tell your friends about your to choice to be sober; however if you’re serious about not drinking then eventually you will have to tell people. If they’re really good friends they will support and respect your choice to stop drinking.
When I stopped drinking I didn’t make a big deal out of it. I basically just stopped drinking and over time people have come to accept that I’m a non-drinker and they’re really not bothered by it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 770
I never make it seem like a long term thing. If it seems like I'm sad about not drinking people pick up on that and try to pressure me into it.
I got used to saying "ugh it gives me a head ache" or " god does anyone else notice how much worse hangovers get as you age?"
If I shrug it off and say " no, I don't want to drink tonight." It's not a big deal and my fair weather friends slowly slipped away.
I'm not sure if that's what you Mean by in private - do you mean you don't want people to know youre quitting at all because of the stigma? Only close friends know the real reason I don't drink. Other ones just think I'm health conscience (vegan, don't smoking, don't drink,don't use, got into Chinese medicine....)
I got used to saying "ugh it gives me a head ache" or " god does anyone else notice how much worse hangovers get as you age?"
If I shrug it off and say " no, I don't want to drink tonight." It's not a big deal and my fair weather friends slowly slipped away.
I'm not sure if that's what you Mean by in private - do you mean you don't want people to know youre quitting at all because of the stigma? Only close friends know the real reason I don't drink. Other ones just think I'm health conscience (vegan, don't smoking, don't drink,don't use, got into Chinese medicine....)
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
Early recovery is a time of hard choices. For me, I had to stay away from alcohol and people and places involved. Taking care of yourself is not being a bad friend. And, by the way, I told no one in my life that I was stopping drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
If you always hang around barbershops, eventually you're going to get a haircut.
If you are uncomfortable around alcohol and people consuming it, you will either need to distance yourself from them or join them. There is no middle ground if you have a problem and it's early times. It took me a couple of years to be comfortable in a drinking environment, and even today I avoid drinking establishments unless I have a legitimate reason to be there.
Some of my "friends" didn't understand or support my desire for sobriety. Not surprisingly, those friendships withered away once I quit drinking. Those that remain are people who liked me at least as much as they liked drinking with me.
Give it time - but give yourself a shot at it. Trying to act like you are not trying to get sober isn't a great foundation for success IMO.
Good luck - your real life awaits.
If you are uncomfortable around alcohol and people consuming it, you will either need to distance yourself from them or join them. There is no middle ground if you have a problem and it's early times. It took me a couple of years to be comfortable in a drinking environment, and even today I avoid drinking establishments unless I have a legitimate reason to be there.
Some of my "friends" didn't understand or support my desire for sobriety. Not surprisingly, those friendships withered away once I quit drinking. Those that remain are people who liked me at least as much as they liked drinking with me.
Give it time - but give yourself a shot at it. Trying to act like you are not trying to get sober isn't a great foundation for success IMO.
Good luck - your real life awaits.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
I think it's possible to quit without telling anyone... I did it successfully once, and even now only about 5 people know that I quit for good, and because I got in trouble. But I'm not tempted by social drinking... every relapse I've had has started alone in my bedroom. (fun!)
In *your* situation, you aren't really able to be around this group without breaking your resolve. That's totally normal. I think it gives you two options:
1 - don't hang out with those friends for a while
or
2 - think about who in the group you have the most honest, meaningful connections with. And then have two or maybe three one-on-one conversations with people you trust... NOT out on a Friday night, but during the week with no drinks involved. Tell them your situation, and that you want to keep hanging out with your friends but you can't drink and you really need their support in that decision. Ask them to look out for you so that when you turn down drinks the next time you don't get teased for it.
If you feel like you can't do the second one, either because you're embarassed or because you don't feel close enough to anyone in the group, then you should definitely keep away for a bit.
Have you tried going to events on meetup.com? I just moved to a new city and I've met tons of great people that way. You can pick activities that are more active rather than just meeting friends at a bar.
In *your* situation, you aren't really able to be around this group without breaking your resolve. That's totally normal. I think it gives you two options:
1 - don't hang out with those friends for a while
or
2 - think about who in the group you have the most honest, meaningful connections with. And then have two or maybe three one-on-one conversations with people you trust... NOT out on a Friday night, but during the week with no drinks involved. Tell them your situation, and that you want to keep hanging out with your friends but you can't drink and you really need their support in that decision. Ask them to look out for you so that when you turn down drinks the next time you don't get teased for it.
If you feel like you can't do the second one, either because you're embarassed or because you don't feel close enough to anyone in the group, then you should definitely keep away for a bit.
Have you tried going to events on meetup.com? I just moved to a new city and I've met tons of great people that way. You can pick activities that are more active rather than just meeting friends at a bar.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 400
HI Taureg,
Thanks for you post.
I agree with some of the others in a couple of ways. Friends don't turn on you when you make a change in your life. They support your decision and help anyway they can. Drinking buddies on the other hand... you know where I am going with that.
Drunks like other drunks. Drunks don't like to hang out with sober people. We aint much fun for them. Your true friends will always be true friends, even if you don't see them for a period of time until you get your program running smooth.
What is your plan to stay sober? What is your plan to handle those inevitable social occasions? What is your plan to deal with the AV that will be sitting on your shoulder soon? What is your plan for a healthy diet, exercise program, head stimulation, work focus? You need a plan my friend. Without one, you will struggle.
Keeping this decision to your self may not work for you. I told my family, my friends so that I was accountable. I didn't want to drink number 1 for myself and number 2 for others. They cheered the days of sobriety with me, and to this day I get texts and emails from my kids on my monthly sober anniversary date. I will celebrate 22 months sober on the 12th. I was a drunk for 45 years. Started binge drinking in high school, as you describe. Took me 45 years to realize that I had a serious problem. Slow learner I guess
My story is no different from the other 1000s of drunks on this website. We are all drunks, the trip here might have been different but the end game is the same.
You sound like a young person who realizes that the drinking is getting in the way of a productive long life. Good on you. That is the start of a tough ride. You can do it, others have.
Don't worry about your buddies, the cream will rise to the top and the others will fade away. My drinking buddies long ago stopped calling me and I am just fine with that.
Good luck to you brother
Thanks for you post.
I agree with some of the others in a couple of ways. Friends don't turn on you when you make a change in your life. They support your decision and help anyway they can. Drinking buddies on the other hand... you know where I am going with that.
Drunks like other drunks. Drunks don't like to hang out with sober people. We aint much fun for them. Your true friends will always be true friends, even if you don't see them for a period of time until you get your program running smooth.
What is your plan to stay sober? What is your plan to handle those inevitable social occasions? What is your plan to deal with the AV that will be sitting on your shoulder soon? What is your plan for a healthy diet, exercise program, head stimulation, work focus? You need a plan my friend. Without one, you will struggle.
Keeping this decision to your self may not work for you. I told my family, my friends so that I was accountable. I didn't want to drink number 1 for myself and number 2 for others. They cheered the days of sobriety with me, and to this day I get texts and emails from my kids on my monthly sober anniversary date. I will celebrate 22 months sober on the 12th. I was a drunk for 45 years. Started binge drinking in high school, as you describe. Took me 45 years to realize that I had a serious problem. Slow learner I guess
My story is no different from the other 1000s of drunks on this website. We are all drunks, the trip here might have been different but the end game is the same.
You sound like a young person who realizes that the drinking is getting in the way of a productive long life. Good on you. That is the start of a tough ride. You can do it, others have.
Don't worry about your buddies, the cream will rise to the top and the others will fade away. My drinking buddies long ago stopped calling me and I am just fine with that.
Good luck to you brother
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi there. Hmmm. The question seems kind of twofold. 1. Can you keep recovery private? 2. Can you continue to hang out with your drinking friends? I can only share my experience and believe me I came to my conclusion via serious 'research'. The experiment was a failure. For me, anyone close to me needs to know that I'm quitting drinking and why. I have tried the secrecy method and lost a major relationship because of it. For me it was a reservation...a way of not completely accepting that I'm an alcoholic. I left the door open. I so badly want to be normal, but I'm not. Now that doesn't mean I need to sing my recovery to the rafters, tell everyone I meet. It also doesn't mean I need to share all the gorey details. Just means I say I'm an alcoholic in recovery. There. Deal with it 
This is just my experience however. And ultimately, it doesn't matter what others think of me. If they care, they will understand and support me. The second part-can you achieve sobriety while still engaging in drinking activities with drinking friends? This I don't have experience with but my impression is it will be very difficult...and it would appear it has been difficult and has stimeed your efforts. So you can't get out of a problem with the thinking that got you into it. Do you have any other shared interests with this group of friends? Something you could do together that doesn't involve alcohol? I think, at least initially, continuing to go out to the bars Fridays nights, hide that you're an alcoholic and try to recover? That sounds pretty challenging to me.
This is just my experience however. And ultimately, it doesn't matter what others think of me. If they care, they will understand and support me. The second part-can you achieve sobriety while still engaging in drinking activities with drinking friends? This I don't have experience with but my impression is it will be very difficult...and it would appear it has been difficult and has stimeed your efforts. So you can't get out of a problem with the thinking that got you into it. Do you have any other shared interests with this group of friends? Something you could do together that doesn't involve alcohol? I think, at least initially, continuing to go out to the bars Fridays nights, hide that you're an alcoholic and try to recover? That sounds pretty challenging to me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
Only my family and two friends know I've quit and why. No one else really has ever seen me drink so my not drinking is normal to them.
When offered a drink socially, I just say no thanks or ask for Coke. If anyone seems to need a reason, my usual answer is that I've got things to do tomorrow and I have to get up early. (I know - I don't owe anyone an excuse, but sometimes it just flows easier into the conversation)
Surprisingly, most of the rest of the world is not out boozing it up! I go to the gym a lot on Friday nights and its pretty full and I'm pretty sure no one there has been drinking!
It does help to have a plan.
When offered a drink socially, I just say no thanks or ask for Coke. If anyone seems to need a reason, my usual answer is that I've got things to do tomorrow and I have to get up early. (I know - I don't owe anyone an excuse, but sometimes it just flows easier into the conversation)
Surprisingly, most of the rest of the world is not out boozing it up! I go to the gym a lot on Friday nights and its pretty full and I'm pretty sure no one there has been drinking!
It does help to have a plan.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 6
Thank you all for your support, it means a lot. My friend group is a great bunch, but a judgmental one. I almost feel that if one of us walks away for a while to better ourselves the others act out of jealousy. I've tried to covertly mention activities we could all partake in soberly in the past to no avail.
Bowling? Lets get a pitcher of beers. Movie? Lets go to the theater that serves alcohol. Be tourists in our own city? Microbrew and/or wine tour. I'm at a loss. Even if we have dinner on a week night everyone is ordering a drink, and I stand out and get slack if I order a Diet Coke or a water.
I'm thinking some distance is the answer at this point. Might be time to leave work on Friday and turn the phone OFF, not on silent lest I get curious.
Bowling? Lets get a pitcher of beers. Movie? Lets go to the theater that serves alcohol. Be tourists in our own city? Microbrew and/or wine tour. I'm at a loss. Even if we have dinner on a week night everyone is ordering a drink, and I stand out and get slack if I order a Diet Coke or a water.
I'm thinking some distance is the answer at this point. Might be time to leave work on Friday and turn the phone OFF, not on silent lest I get curious.
I know it's spelled Tabasco
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 10
I'm so scared to tell friends and family that I was an alcoholic. They just saw me as a wine drinker but assumed it was just a couple nights a week at most and special occasions. My husband and I worked together as a "team" to disguise our problem.
If family came over we would offer them wine or beer and only sip at one cup--as soon as they would leave we would "tear it up" and pull out our extra bottles of wine.
So I'm going to be telling people that I'm eating healthier and exercising more so alcohol would ruin what im trying to accomplish. I'll even be the annoying type about it "alcohol has too many calories" so they won't think I ever had a problem with it. That's my tip if you wanna use it. Good luck
If family came over we would offer them wine or beer and only sip at one cup--as soon as they would leave we would "tear it up" and pull out our extra bottles of wine.
So I'm going to be telling people that I'm eating healthier and exercising more so alcohol would ruin what im trying to accomplish. I'll even be the annoying type about it "alcohol has too many calories" so they won't think I ever had a problem with it. That's my tip if you wanna use it. Good luck
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
No you are not a bad friend.
This is your battle and you need to fight it how you see fit.
This can be as loud or as quiet as you want.
I personally take the quiet option.
Friends will be friends whether or not drink is involved.
If they do fall beside the wayside, perhaps the friendship had less value than you realised.
This is your battle and you need to fight it how you see fit.
This can be as loud or as quiet as you want.
I personally take the quiet option.
Friends will be friends whether or not drink is involved.
If they do fall beside the wayside, perhaps the friendship had less value than you realised.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 6
What was/is your plan? How do you come up with one?
In my post yesterday, a few of you asked me what my "plan" was. Frankly, I never thought about having a plan set in place, my plan was just to not drink. I can see now that this plan is vague and weak, as you need to have objective and actions to distract yourself from, and prevent you from pulling out the corkscrew.
What was your plan? Any pointers? I'd like to get one formed especially with the uphill battle of Labor Day weekend looming on the horizon. I'm nervous about the whole thing. I should be looking forward to a long weekend, but just the thought makes me sweat from anxiety.
What was your plan? Any pointers? I'd like to get one formed especially with the uphill battle of Labor Day weekend looming on the horizon. I'm nervous about the whole thing. I should be looking forward to a long weekend, but just the thought makes me sweat from anxiety.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Hi Taureg in the link I'm posting there is many hints & tips be sure to read D's links aswell there is so much help in this link print it out if it helps
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 114
When I was younger I was in a similar situation (after college) everyone drank to get drunk and we did that a lot. I had a few friends quit drinking over the years and they dreaded it for the same reason but in the end it didn't take long for everyone to accept that and it was never an issue again.
Deaf to AV
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Western NYS
Posts: 62
Thanks for posting, Taureg. I hope you get what you need and are able to help yourself.
All these answers from all these caring people are like a buffet. Choose the suggestions that will fit the needs in your life and leave the rest. The answers here are a benefit to me as well. I am very grateful!
All these answers from all these caring people are like a buffet. Choose the suggestions that will fit the needs in your life and leave the rest. The answers here are a benefit to me as well. I am very grateful!
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