bexxed

Sleep well, Jerry.

JerryFish

If I had only half my family member's attitude, I would be able to quit so much easier... He takes a heart attack better than I take not being able to drink.

What I wrote last night, I looked over it. And it came from a place of being drunk and in great distress. I can't think of a worse place to base my judgment on. I do believe in a higher power now. I don't believe in God in the traditional sense, but I believe something is out there. What it is exactly, I don't know. But like many religious people, I started to feel it. That was real.

What I don't believe for a second is that the heart attack was caused by it. When I posted that, I came from a place of being very upset. I know it's there for me if I let it.

I keep referring to it as "it". People who believe in God may find that offensive. But that's the best way I can describe it. That's how it feels to me. There's something out there and I doubt it has trouble with being called "it".

Day 1 is always the easiest. A terrible hangover combined with a strong aversion to alcohol. I don't know when I'll go back to the family, needless to say, it depends on his recovery. So this is an unexpected turn of events. Which I now know is something I need to add to my recovery plan.

He's doing well btw. Recovering well. It hurts I couldn't be there because I was drunk. What if it was the situation where I could have seen him for the last time? That's too much of a terrible thought to think about. But I have to. It's very important.

So today is my official new day 1. And the last one I hope.

Now I will go back to bed and sleep a day and a night. Which is my usual pattern after drinking. And it's so bad that I can't visit my family member in the hospital even. That hurts.

Well, time to sleep it off for the last time. Enough's enough. And in the times I'm awake, I will have to make up a plan for sobriety. I never liked doing that but it is highly necessary.

Thanks to everyone for the support. Don't be surprised if it takes a while for me to respond. I'm sleeping off a hangover.

OpenTuning

It's really encouraging to read what you've just written. While sober. You can see for yourself how much more sense it makes than when you were writing drunk. The key now is to make all your difficult decisions, come up with your plans for how to cope with distressing and painful situations, while you're sober and your conscious mind is in control. Because what's plain as day is that as soon as you take that first drink, your ability to make rational decisions disappears. A loved one had a heart attack. The addict within you said you had to drink to cope with that. By drinking it meant you weren't able to be there for them, to demonstrate your love and support, which is the only positive thing you could have done in a terrible situation. Alcohol took that option away from you. Further proof of how insidious and destructive that inner addictive voice can be. It couldn't care less about you, or your family, or anything you hold dear to you. It just wants a drink at any cost and will use any excuse to get it.

I hope you manage to sleep off the effects of your hangover. And then I really hope you start planning ahead for how to handle any future situations like this. Please don't just hope for the best and rely on good intentions now. Try and come up with a list of concrete steps you can follow to avoid picking up that first drink.

bexxed

Sleep well, Jerry. We're rooting for you. Make a plan and try to keep everything else out. Focus only on your plan, one day, hour, minute, at a time. Remember that you CAN do it. You are no different than anyone else here, and we all CAN do it.

PurpleKnight

We're in your corner Jerry!!

ItWillBeWorthIt

Great to hear Jerry... so happy to read you are making this you Day 1. Hope you were able to get some rest.

JerryFish

Ok, still here...

My family member is ok. He's going to be fine. Which is a great relief.

This is day 6 for me. I haven't been with the family because of the heart attack. It would have been ok with them, but I just couldn't.

It was an eye-opener though. Haven't had a drop since. He's not an alcoholic or has any bad habits. But it did make me realize I might get something serious if I keep drinking.

I've had a session with my therapist, which helped. We've upped the dose of the venlafaxine and my state is improving already. We upped it from 75 mg to 112,5 mg.

Tomorrow I will be picked up by the family again. Which is a huge relief. Everyone is well, given what happened and I get to have some peace.

I'll stay longer this time. 3 weeks was too short and made me relapse. I will be back but if it takes 6 weeks, it will be 6 weeks. 3 months, then it will take 3 months. Whatever it takes.

Thanks to everyone for their support and I will get a handle on this.

bexxed

Yay!!!! It's awesome to hear you talk like this, Jerry. Do what it takes! Eyes on the prize!

xo-B

Dee74

good to hear from you Jerry - best wishes

D

Hevyn

Good to see you sounding positive and determined, JF.