Shaking... spinning.... bleary-eyed and shameful...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Shaking... spinning.... bleary-eyed and shameful...
How many mornings began that way?
I look back over the years and cannot begin to count them. If I dwell on that thought for even just a few moments, a film reel of highlights arises. Vomiting in trash cans in the bathroom at work.... barely holding it together in meetings.... making up lies for my wives.... horrified at what I'd spent the night before.... wondering how I'd pay the bills....
My head would be swimming in a haze of spinning, nauseating, horrible confusion. My body shaking. My emotions raw. Regret, shame, fear, anxiety, a general feeling of worthlessness. Surely today I'd be fired, divorced, found out.
Choking down food and coffee.... anything to just make it through. Sweating, embarassed, making up thin excuses that no doubt people saw right through. Smelling like a still. Some mornings, forcing myself onto the treadmill, running for a miserable hour to try and sweat it out of me. But no use - the only thing to do was wait and suffer.
Until finally the day's end arrived... that horrible feeling of dread... heading to the bar.... knowing inside it was a tragic cycle, yet following that pull with no choice.... dragged back to that bottle by my own deranged choice.
Today I am so thankful, yet again, to wake with a fresh, rested feeling. To be up before the dawn and quietly listening to the birdsong greet the day. To watch the full moon fading gradually into the blue. To greet my little girls as they sleepily waken. To hug my Lady and offer her comfort on a stressy morning. To really BE here... just present in my life.... healthy and happy and alive.
It's worth every challenging step of the way, to leave that awful life behind you.
Today, may you honor sobriety.
Happy Monday.
I look back over the years and cannot begin to count them. If I dwell on that thought for even just a few moments, a film reel of highlights arises. Vomiting in trash cans in the bathroom at work.... barely holding it together in meetings.... making up lies for my wives.... horrified at what I'd spent the night before.... wondering how I'd pay the bills....
My head would be swimming in a haze of spinning, nauseating, horrible confusion. My body shaking. My emotions raw. Regret, shame, fear, anxiety, a general feeling of worthlessness. Surely today I'd be fired, divorced, found out.
Choking down food and coffee.... anything to just make it through. Sweating, embarassed, making up thin excuses that no doubt people saw right through. Smelling like a still. Some mornings, forcing myself onto the treadmill, running for a miserable hour to try and sweat it out of me. But no use - the only thing to do was wait and suffer.
Until finally the day's end arrived... that horrible feeling of dread... heading to the bar.... knowing inside it was a tragic cycle, yet following that pull with no choice.... dragged back to that bottle by my own deranged choice.
Today I am so thankful, yet again, to wake with a fresh, rested feeling. To be up before the dawn and quietly listening to the birdsong greet the day. To watch the full moon fading gradually into the blue. To greet my little girls as they sleepily waken. To hug my Lady and offer her comfort on a stressy morning. To really BE here... just present in my life.... healthy and happy and alive.
It's worth every challenging step of the way, to leave that awful life behind you.
Today, may you honor sobriety.
Happy Monday.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Thank you FreeOwl! What a lovely reminder of why I'm still plowing away at staying sober and working on recovery. I'm working on remembering the unmanageable and my memory sometimes doesn't want to cooperate. This post helped.
Have a great Monday
Have a great Monday
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,413
Excellent post FreeOwl... you wrote how I feel. The early clear-head mornings never get old... waking up with so much hope, optimism, and energy.
I LOVE my sober world.
Have a Marvelous Monday FreeOwl.
I LOVE my sober world.
Have a Marvelous Monday FreeOwl.
Rehydrating to Oblivion.
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,332
Thanks so much freeowl, I needed to hear this today.
I've been very productive today. Done the house shopping, cleaned the car and now watching the birds in the back garden. I refilled the feeders yesterday and we have had a Woodpecker this morning
I've been very productive today. Done the house shopping, cleaned the car and now watching the birds in the back garden. I refilled the feeders yesterday and we have had a Woodpecker this morning
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by BringingBackB 
Thanks so much freeowl, I needed to hear this today.
I've been very productive today. Done the house shopping, cleaned the car and now watching the birds in the back garden. I refilled the feeders yesterday and we have had a Woodpecker this morning
I've been very productive today. Done the house shopping, cleaned the car and now watching the birds in the back garden. I refilled the feeders yesterday and we have had a Woodpecker this morning
it's so true. THAT is the secret of sobriety.... actions, thoughts.... and the choice to change them. Every Day.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Arghh I remember it so clearly and honestly not having a hangover is the best thing out of it!!! Gagging, feeling like crap, stomach messed up, head pounding and being stinky from the inside, and looking horrible. Yuck!!! The worse part was having to hold it together at work... Now I wake up looking forward to my coffee and usually feeling great and happy.
Thanks for the reminder.
Thanks for the reminder.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Ringthedoorbell
Thank you FreeOwl; we all need to be reminded of the "bad old days.."
We can't afford to become complacent that's for sure.
Keep on keeping on.
We can't afford to become complacent that's for sure.
Keep on keeping on.
I find that I need to remind myself as well.... it can be easy - despite many years and decades of evidence to the contrary - to find myself falling into a lulled belief that maybe it 'wasn't so bad'. That maybe 'now that I've had some time off it'll be different...'.
The reminders help remind me that it's not worth the gamble, and the gratitude helps me realize that what I have is worth far more than alcohol could ever bring me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
