notgonnastoptry

So, my husband pushed me to the edge. I've told you that he hasn't been supportive, at all. I've wanted to pick up, again and again, but did not. Why? Because my sobriety is more important than he, or anyone.

But, today, with our fighting, he sent me to a new edge. He had me crying and shaking. That's fine. He's actually pretty decent. It's not an abusive relationship, but I have lots of baggage from my past and certain things really make me so angry. The reason I drank is because all of his yelling and swearing at me made the kids scared. I was never scared as a child. He was and maybe this is his default. That killed me to see him like that.

This sounds oh-so-dramatic. I should add that he just had the most nonsensical reaction to an inquiry that I had--perhaps it was an accusation. I guess my point is, the reaction did not merit the action. I left the house several times. I went to a coffee shop the first two times. I guess AV won the mind-battle since I ended up at the shop. I'm not trying to speak in the passive. I know I made my choices.

More from the last thread (it did not cut and paste):

I made two or three bee lines to my shop and turned around. But when I pictured their sad faces, I just needed the numb.

In any case, I am barely buzzed. I don't want to go back to this. But, for tonight, I want to erase him and his bs.

I feel this community is non-judgmental and that's why I'm posting. 53 days down the drain, I guess. The thing is, and I'm being honest, I'm not really mad at myself. I'm happy to have an out from this b.s. I just don't want to start again. Need support. I think I'll probably go to an AA meeting tomorrow.

Soberwolf

Sorry that happened glad you won't let this define you are you getting help with your 'baggage' & it ain't right no grown man scaring kids

Drinking as you know did not solve this so no it won't define you as long as you can accept that

ScottFromWI

So don't let it define you. Dump out what you have and realize what you are doing is not the right thing to do. There is a lot of rationalization in your post...re-read it carefully. Don't forget that it wasn't all that long ago that you spent several days in the hospital literally near death from drinking. You could be back at that place much sooner than you think if you don't stop right now.

sleepie

Hi notgonnastoptry I hope you are done with it for the day, you will have a better chance at being hangover free if you dumped it and drank water, ate something...
Hope to see an update tomorrow on your new Day One 53 days is great how about another 53 and beyond?

fini

hi notgonna,

doesn't sound oh-so-dramatic to me;
more or less i'm reading that it's his fault. he pushed you. he scared the kids. he's had a most nonsensical reaction.

the most nonsensical reaction in this is to drink in response to whatever he did or didn't do.

i did it for years myself. and often while desperately knowing how entirely nonsensical it was.

define you? hm...what will be most defining is what you'll do going forward.

got some plans about the way?

TroyW

Sounds like your husband needs to settle down a little, and learn how to deal with his own internal issues. Acting in front of kids like that isn't cool at all. He needs to be brought to realize what he's doing to his kids. I had to deal with that crap my entire childhood, and not cool.

Anyway, sorry you had a few drinks, but at least you owned up to it and were honest like this. All the best!

NestWasEmpty

notgonnastoptry Sounded like more then a little problem with your husband acting like that Holy Smokes . Never think of it that way it's not 53 days lost , it was 53 days of hard work - 53 days that your body had been healing - still have all them tools you used to fall back on . No loss just a trip up . You can make this happen . Back on track tomorrow

Dee74

I don't think you lost all you accomplished or learned in those 53 days.
Think of this as Recovery version 2.0

you just need a better plan to deal with stuff that pushes you to the edge.

We can't change others, but we definitely can change the way we react to them.

That being said, I agree with the others here tho - it's not right for an adult to yell and swear at anyone, especially in front of kids...not cool, no matter what the upbringing.

It makes me think it's even more important you beat this notgonnastoptry - your kids need their mom.
D

Elodie

I hope I'm wrong, but if you see alcohol as a solution to anything (in this case, "hav[ing] an out from this b.s."), then you will start again. Maybe not for a very long time. Maybe not until your husband upsets you again. But you will go back to it, if you think it's giving you something.

I think it would be beneficial to you in your recovery to acknowledge that alcohol will not make anything better. Even those times you desperately want to be numb or not feel your feelings, alcohol WILL make things worse.

Meraviglioso

I definitely agree with this. I really understand you notgonnastop, I am separated from my children's father, and though we have a good parenting relationship we still have our tense moments.
I do know that I am much better mother sober. I thought I was getting it all done, waking up early, cooking hot meals, getting the kids to and fro, cleaning the house, etc. But being continuously buzzed, I wasn't really there. It is amazing what a difference just being present with the kids makes. I know you know what I mean, after 53 days I am sure you experienced that. I know I can see a huge difference after only a week.

Berrybean

Can you talk to him about that 'Yelling and swearing' when he is calm? Is it something he wants to sort out? If not, then 'decent' as he is, and as loving and caring as you are, what with him yelling and shouting, and you drinking as coping strategies, it could be sending your kids all kinds of confusing messages about relationships and how to deal with emotions. These problems have a way of manifesting themselves in future generations when they aren't addressed.

Good luck in getting back on track in your sobriety, and helping your husband to realise the potential for damage in his own behaviour. You did almost two months before. I know people who slipped, and learned from their slip. They came back stronger and so can you, with honesty, openness and willingness.

PS. His behaviour didn't necessitate your drinking. Your alcoholism did that. Your fear, and anxiety. I'm not saying this in a tone of blame, but because it is important that we learn from our slips, and we can only do that by accepting our part in things.

PPS Have you heard of CoDa? If you and your husband have unresolved issues from your childhood, their resources might well be worth a look. x

OpenTuning

Hi

First, those 53 days have not been poured down the drain. Those were 53 days of not doing further harm to your body, 53 days of being a sober mother to your children. 53 days for your body to work on healing some of the damage that alcohol has done to it. Don't in any way look at those days as having been a waste of time. Every day you don't drink is a positive.

But like others here, what worries me the most is your belief that you had a good reason to drink, and said you were happy with the numbing effect it had. That's purely your addiction talking. As long as you feel there are some situations where drinking is acceptable, then I can't see how you'll ever have permanent sobriety. Your inner addict will always find an excuse when it feels you've gone too long without its favourite drug.

This isn't in any way meant to suggest what happened wasn't awful, stressful, and painful. But you need to believe that there are no situations where alcohol is the answer. None. Ever. Close that door firmly. As soon as possible start coming up with a plan for how to deal with a similar situation without drinking. Don't give your inner addict that glimmer of light it craves. Let's hope today is day 1 of your new sober life.

PurpleKnight

You've still learnt things in those 53 Days, that doesn't disappear!!

Go at things again and tweak your plan, you can do this!!

notgonnastoptry

I am sorry to have hit and run. I've been reading. I'm not going to lie. I'm on my third day of drinking. Not heavily, but so what?

The whole situation with the husband feels better when I numb him out.

PennyLane76

This is not going to end well

Berrybean

'So what' ?????

What about your kids?
You say 'The reason I drank is because all of his yelling and swearing at me made the kids scared'. And now you're giving doing a 'So what?' routine, and giving them an unpredictable and unreliable mother as well as a yelling and swearing father. You have your own issues from childhood - surely you don't want to pass that pain onto another generation??! Maybe it feels better to you when you numb him out, but it won't feel that way to your children.

Really? Is that who you're choosing to be?

ScottFromWI

If you are reading read this. It might answer your question.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-hospital.html

alphaomega

Oh my goodness Not ?!?!? Weren't you just in ICU a hot minute ago ?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-hospital.html

Come on now, you know better than to think this is going to end well.

Please. Come on. Seriously.

Ruby2

I'm sure in some way numbing out does feel better, but how much and for how long? Eventually you're going to have to make decisions and that's just easier while clear headed and sober.

And as Beccy said, what about your kids? You're teaching them that the bottle is the way to go when you're uncomfortable.

I've been unhappy for the past week dealing with my father's poor health. I've wanted to blot it out, to go numb, but I haven't and I'm really glad I haven't.

My husband is still drinking and using and I used to numb out when he was but that's no longer an option and you know what? I'm less bothered by what he's doing because I can think more clearly about what I need to do.

I'm only telling you all that to let you know that you can get through life's hard stuff while sober. Give yourself a chance.

doggonecarl

This is defining yourself by your drinking--exactly what you didn't want to do when you first posted this thread.