getright15

I think I've been either freaking myself out by reading to much online, or paying attention to what other people have gone through when dealing with the legal system but overall I'm trying not to focus on the negative. I'm referring to my court cases with my DUI's. I've mentioned them in other posts but just a little background. I received one in July of 2014 then another January 2015. I've only been to court for the one that took place in July. I've yet to go to court for the one that took place in January, but that my October court date is rapidly approaching. With my stupidity and complete lack of using my brain along with not caring about anything at the time I got another one this month. Obviously I have a problem and I know it. First step right? I'm headed to treatment starting Monday(anxious and nervous). Ironically enough I have a job where driving is required as I'm on call 2 weeks out of each month and have to travel to random places around the area. So I'm screwed with my license being valid. I know I'm the one that put myself in those situations and I've taken responsibility for it. At the same time I've taken money away from my family by dealing with it. Lawyers, cars from the inpound, repairs, bail money.

How stupid am I! It's eating me up inside day and night. I can't change it, but all I've been thinking about is jail, fines, losing my main job, screwing my wife's schooling up if I'm not able to work etc.....These were my choices and now I have to bare it. I have 2 beers in the fridge that were supposed to be for one of my friend's right now, but he ended up not coming over. I have no urge to drink nor do I want to start that crazy cycle all over again. I'll pour them out if he doesn't come over tomorrow. I hate myself for what I've done. Now I have to live with this hanging over my head for a while. I'm lucky I didn't hit anyone or kill anyone. I'm thankful for that.

Shoulders are heavy with guilt. Trying to get past it and focus on treatment and living life sober. I know once I enter treatment they'll help with this part of my life.

Dee74

I think it's really important not to focus on stuff you can't do anything about...there's always a lot of other stuff you can do something about, and I'd focus on that

D

MythOfSisyphus

I know it's hard but Dee's right. It's human to feel regret but no point obsessing over the stuff you can't control. Use all your energy to make the future better, getright. You can get through this, for you and for your family.

Berrybean

Sorry you're still going hard and fast beating yourself over the head with regrets GR. Maybe have a read through some of the advice and support on your other threads while you wait for responses to this one - and I'd def pour those beers away or get your wife to hide them somewhere if I were you. Your call though, obviously.

Just wondered what the latest is on that outpatient treatment you were waiting for? Is it starting soon (or started already?) Personally, I found that the thing that helped me most in getting over all that self-hatred; regret; anxiety about past actions was working the 12-steps. (For me that was in AA, but there are other groups that use 12-step programs). It's free, everywhere, and has no waiting lists.

I'm going to ask a question now that I don't necessarily expect an answer to, as it's very personal. I really hope you won't be angered by it...

Do you WANT to feel better and feel happy? Or do you think that actually you 'deserve' to feel bad?

It's just that I sense a little determination on your part to keep punishing yourself - going over and over all the things that you've done that were bad. The thing is, doing that and you feeling bad won't change what happened or make the people affected feel better. One of those people is your wife. At the moment your resentments against yourself are probably making things pretty hard for her as well. Resentments are poison, Whether they are against ourselves or against someone else. People on here can advise you, but at the end of the day, if you want to make yourself feel bad by holding those resentments, nothing will change. But, if you do want to work on those resentments and be free of them, then there are steps you can take to start making that happen.

Wishing you all the best in your recovery.

Soberwolf

This is where a to do list comes in handy & don't let it overwhelm you write on a separate sheet what I can do today & start there my friend

getright15

I start my out patient this Monday. I completed my initial assessment last Friday so all is good for me to begin.

To answer your other question which by the way doesn't anger me at all. It's a valid question so no worries. I would love to feel better overall and enjoy life. That's actually one thing my wife has told me before was that I need to relax and just enjoy life. I admit sometimes I feel I deserve to feel the way I do as I'm the one that put myself there, but I know I that at the end of the day I should be able to say that I deserve happiness for sure.

Berrybean

Brilliant news on the out-patient sessions starting. I really hope that the sessions will help you work through all of these feelings as well as strategies for staying sober.

PS So pleased that you didn't take offence at my question.

Good luck on Monday .

PurpleKnight

No point worrying about the things we can't change!!

Sorting out the things we can change is the only way forward!!

Bird615

When I first was sober and started thinking about my past, I spent too much time really being down on myself, feeling a lot of remorse, shame, guilt and self-hatred.

Doing the 12 steps, as Beccybean mentioned, was what helped me to get past all that. I also learned that for me, it was another form of pride. Pride in reverse, where instead of thinking I was better than everyone, I thought I was the worst person on the face of the earth for all the things I'd done. Another thing I've learned about myself over the years is that I had acquired a mostly subconscious belief that I don't deserve to be happy. Still working on that one.

If your wife had done those things you're so upset about, how would you be treating her? If there would be some understanding and compassion in there, maybe try to treat yourself the same.

You deserve happiness and all the good things that life has to offer, just as we all do. It will take some work, but you'll get there. Best wishes for Monday!

MIRecovery

I totally agree with Dee. There is much you can do to insure you don't drink again.

I have a dry.house, I avoid situations where alcohol is present, I did a lot of reading on addiction, I went to AA 6 days a week, I enhanced my spirituality, I developed sober friends and activities to name a few.

Accept the things that can't be changed and work on chaging yourself

thomas11

Hi Getitright, Please accept my post as intended and not a scolding per say. I certainly don't envy your situation and wouldn't wish it on anyone. The harsh reality is that our behavior has consequences. And eventually we've got to pay the price. I know, I've been there. It was many years ago, but I behaved badly for a few years and the legal system got their meat-hooks into me. I realized it was game over for me and I had to own up to my misdeeds. So I bit the bullet and did what I had to do, which was whatever they told me I had to do. It was not pleasant and it was expensive. But I fulfilled ALL of my court ordered obligations, spent some time on house arrest, spent a weekend in jail, paid my lawyers....all that fun stuff. And there is no getting around it, you just have to comply. But I got through it, and never looked back. I have never been in any legal trouble since then. You'll get through it, and hopefully come out the other side a changed person. I wish you the very best, man. Oh, and one last thing, probably a good idea not to drink those beers. Stay strong.

getright15

Nah you're not scolding me. I'm just bumming on all fronts since the situations were avoidable. All of them were! My dumb decisions put me in this position. Now I must deal with them.

getright15

So I dumped those beers down the sink. Well my wife did but either way they are gone. Today has been an interesting one. It started like normal. Me waking up with crap on my mind. Dooming myself etc...but then it started to change slowly. Wife and I actually talked about my situation and I'm the only one that feels negative about the outcome. I guess it's only natural to assume the worst when your the actual person going through something, but it was as if I slowly started to have a release about my situation. I hope it stay as I don't want to pick things back up and do the whole beat myself up routine. Maybe it was seeing those beers being poured out and me not taking a sip. I don't know, but whatever has me feeling better I hope it sticks around a while longer.

janes ear

Well done...I hope you stick around a lot longer too.