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The fear is consuming me..

Old 08-29-2015, 12:46 AM
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The fear is consuming me..

Hello all! I just joined. This is kind of a pretty big deal for me. I recently admitted to myself that I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for 6 days now. However, I've been there before. I've always managed to make it to 30 days and then little by little I start drinking again. Then I finally get to my old ways where I go all out and binge till I pass out and can't function for the next 4 days. Then the cycle starts again, and this is how it's been for the past 2 years.

My mom has finally told me she can't do this anymore and it broke my heart. I have a problem and this time I really want to stop for good.

My biggest fear at this point is that my liver might be so damaged that I may have cirrhosis. I want to get a liver damage test but I have no insurance. I haven't been able to find anything online on where I can go, reading about it has actually made it worse. So on top of dealing with normal withdrawal symptoms I'm freaking out and scared. I'm very lost.

I just needed to let this out since I can't sleep. Please help!!
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Old 08-29-2015, 12:48 AM
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welcome Yren so glad you found us

SR has fantastic support & advice bud
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Old 08-29-2015, 12:52 AM
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You're doing great.. I was also scared how my liver function test would come back but it was absolutely normal, so please try not to stress too much... Hang in there x
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Old 08-29-2015, 12:56 AM
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Thanks guys. Writing this out kind of helped me out.
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Old 08-29-2015, 01:11 AM
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When I was STRUGGLING, coming out of the gut-wrenching grips of Pitiful & Incomprehensible Demoralization, white-knuckling to keep from drinking, not knowing how to deal with the fear that my liver and pancreas may have been damaged, not knowing how to get free from the Four Horsemen (mentioned in the AA Big Book) of Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, and Despair ... my Sponsor suggested I repeat the 3rd Step Prayer often, until it was running in the background, being superimposed over my gut-wrenching, gripping state of mind.

God, I offer myself to You--to build with me and to do with me according to Your will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Your Power, Your Love, and Your Way of Life. May I do Your will always.
(Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63)

RDBplus3 ... Now Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2
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Old 08-29-2015, 01:17 AM
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try not to panic, it won't help. You've done so well to stop drinking in order to break the cycle that find yourself in and to recognise that you have a problem.
Sorry I don't have any advice to offer about the insurance problem as I've no knowledge of how that system works but I'm sure someone will be along to suggest something for you.
Theres lots of helpful material on this forum however, hopefully you can find something on here to put your mind at rest for now.
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Old 08-29-2015, 01:41 AM
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Hi, welcome!

Congrats on quitting and admitting to yourself that you're an alcoholic. As 30 days seems to be the time you relapse, I'd get a solid plan in place for that milestone so it doesn't happen this time.

As for your liver, try not to worry too much. The important thing is, you're not doing any more drinking
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Old 08-29-2015, 01:47 AM
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You'll be fine. Just do what you can to quit. I had many relapses too, but there was a lot of non-drinking time mixed in which can only help. No problems with my liver.
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Old 08-29-2015, 02:01 AM
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Welcome to SR, Yren! I'm glad you found us here. While no one here can give medical advice the body does have a great capacity to heal once we stop poisoning it. The odds are good that your liver is okay, but no matter what the situation you will be better off not drinking!
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Old 08-29-2015, 04:01 AM
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The liver can take a lot of abuse. I drank a fifth of vodka a day for 20 years. Within 3 months of abstinence my liver tests were normal.

A doctor is always recommended but I would be much more worried about making a comprehensive recovery plan
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Old 08-29-2015, 07:29 AM
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Welcome to the Forum Yren!!
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Old 08-29-2015, 07:38 AM
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Welcome to SR
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Old 08-29-2015, 07:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Yren View Post
I haven't been able to find anything online on where I can go, reading about it has actually made it worse.
Stay off of Dr. Google. If you want to read something, read the Big Book of AA (available online) or some other recovery book. Quitting is the best thing you can do for your liver no matter what condition it is in.
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Old 08-29-2015, 08:34 AM
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Originally Posted by RDBplus3 View Post
When I was STRUGGLING, coming out of the gut-wrenching grips of Pitiful & Incomprehensible Demoralization, white-knuckling to keep from drinking, not knowing how to deal with the fear that my liver and pancreas may have been damaged, not knowing how to get free from the Four Horsemen (mentioned in the AA Big Book) of Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, and Despair ... my Sponsor suggested I repeat the 3rd Step Prayer often, until it was running in the background, being superimposed over my gut-wrenching, gripping state of mind.

God, I offer myself to You--to build with me and to do with me according to Your will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Your Power, Your Love, and Your Way of Life. May I do Your will always.
(Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63)

RDBplus3 ... Now Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2
I'll definitely try this ☺
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Old 08-29-2015, 08:37 AM
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Thanks guys. I'm feeling much more positive today and reading your messages is encouraging. I think last time I failed because there was no support when I was at my low so I'm glad to be here.
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Old 08-30-2015, 03:10 PM
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I agree with Carl, Dr. Google can scare the crap out of people. The body is an incredibly resilient organism. You've already started the healing process by not drinking. As others have said, try not to panic and focus on the things you can control, which is your drinking. Great job on your 6 days.
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Old 08-30-2015, 06:38 PM
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I know the feeling. When my doctor ordered tests to check out my liver, I was scared to death. I did what you did, and did some research on google. Big mistake. I thought for sure my life was over. Turned out I was fine, but the fear I carried with me until the results came in was a real eye-opener. It's amazing how fast the body can heal once we take a stand and made changes in our lifestyle.
Also, I can relate to your situation with your mother. My mother lived with me for several years. One day, she told me she could not take my drinking anymore and got her own place. It happened a long time ago, but I can see that moment like it was yesterday. Eventually we worked everything out, but that moment will haunt me forever.
Sounds like you have good reasons to quit drinking!! John
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Old 08-30-2015, 06:52 PM
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I can definitely relate! Welcome to the forum, keep posting, you will find it very helpful. Finally committing to sobriety for good changes everything. There's a lot of relief and all the freedom in the world that comes with it. You are on the right path!
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Old 08-30-2015, 06:58 PM
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Hi Yren, welcome to sr.

I couldn't stop either, my pattern was similar to yours, always ending up binging!

When I stopped I found this site and it became my lifeline with people who had similar problems and those who had experienced getting sober and staying sober.

I'm pleased your mum told you how she felt and I'm pleased of your reaction. A lot of time we can be in denial for a long time, never facing our addiction.
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