Alcohol is trying to kill me. Why am I letting it?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 277
Alcohol is trying to kill me. Why am I letting it?
I was here earlier this month in the Class of August and went back to my predictable thinking of "I can handle this." I was drinking 1 or two glasses of wine a night and proudly thinking I was doing fine, right up until that moment last night when I found myself writhing on the floor in pain and headed to the emergency room on what felt like the longest ride of my life.
I can't even begin to accurately describe the severe pain that accompanies acute pancreatitis. I've never had children but have been told it's worse than childbirth. I can't say I've ever experienced any pain quite like it; I felt as though I wanted to crawl away from my own body to get away from the pain. I had no idea what was happening but when the ER doctor came in and asked me if I'd ever had pancreatitis and how much I drink, I knew instantly that the game was over.
Miraculously, I was not admitted but was sent home with pain and nausea meds and told to come back if I had another attack. I was also told, of course, that I must never drink. That was last night, and so far I have been okay. The norco makes me itch, that and the nausea meds make me feel a bit woozy, but I hope I can be done with them by tomorrow and go back to work.
So here I am, back on day one, and now I've run out of fantasy. The reality is that alcohol is, and always was, just trying its best to seduce and then kill me. There was never any middle ground and never any room in my life for alcohol to be anything other than the murderer it is. Alcohol has shown its true colors and, hard as it may be, I have to respect what I know to be true and walk away from this relationship. Alcohol wants me dead. It's really that simple.
I can't even begin to accurately describe the severe pain that accompanies acute pancreatitis. I've never had children but have been told it's worse than childbirth. I can't say I've ever experienced any pain quite like it; I felt as though I wanted to crawl away from my own body to get away from the pain. I had no idea what was happening but when the ER doctor came in and asked me if I'd ever had pancreatitis and how much I drink, I knew instantly that the game was over.
Miraculously, I was not admitted but was sent home with pain and nausea meds and told to come back if I had another attack. I was also told, of course, that I must never drink. That was last night, and so far I have been okay. The norco makes me itch, that and the nausea meds make me feel a bit woozy, but I hope I can be done with them by tomorrow and go back to work.
So here I am, back on day one, and now I've run out of fantasy. The reality is that alcohol is, and always was, just trying its best to seduce and then kill me. There was never any middle ground and never any room in my life for alcohol to be anything other than the murderer it is. Alcohol has shown its true colors and, hard as it may be, I have to respect what I know to be true and walk away from this relationship. Alcohol wants me dead. It's really that simple.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Welcome back, Retread.
I got a chill reading your post. That is one of the many things I was afraid would happen to me if I didn't stop. I kept thinking, what's it going to take?
I am so relieved I was able to get back into recovery before I had to go through such an experience.
Glad you made it back, too. With a good plan and some work, you'll never have to go through that again.
I got a chill reading your post. That is one of the many things I was afraid would happen to me if I didn't stop. I kept thinking, what's it going to take?
I am so relieved I was able to get back into recovery before I had to go through such an experience.
Glad you made it back, too. With a good plan and some work, you'll never have to go through that again.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Alcohol wants me dead, that phrase is sticking with me at the moment. I'm sorry for your pain, I do not have pancreatic issues, but I do believe alcohol also wants me dead.
Stay with us, you can get sober if you stick with a plan. It's better than the alternative.
Stay with us, you can get sober if you stick with a plan. It's better than the alternative.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Alcohol wants us dead but it will not let us go until we have destroyed everything we value and love. Only then will it allow us the painful end it has planned for us.
I have seen far too many die in my short years of sobriety
I have seen far too many die in my short years of sobriety
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 403
thanks for sharing. These posts are wake up calls for some, including me.
I'm on Day 50 (about) and while I haven't picked up and really haven't been very tempted, my mind wanders to moderation, especially when I see people sipping on wine, or when a friend posts an exotic drink recipe. I get so jealous that I'm not an occasional drinker or a person who gets too tipsy once a month or so or on a special occasion.
I tried moderation and failed. I tried it a few times, but picked back up to the point of no return. Like you, I ended up in ER, but unlike you, my case was so severe, they had me in ICU. I had acidosis, so there was nothing compelling that made me go in terms of pain. I did have severe ataxia, severe dehydration, among other things. I have no idea if it would have cleared on its own. I'll never know, I guess, but i was forced to the hospital for a wakeup call. Now I'm scared to drink.
So this all happened to you when you were casually having one or two glasses/ That's scary. And I thought that in most cases, people died from pancreatitis. Sadly, i know two who've died in the last year. I'm glad you did not. I think I was on my way there because i was having almost constant dull right side pain under the rib cage. Did you have pain in advance?
I'm on Day 50 (about) and while I haven't picked up and really haven't been very tempted, my mind wanders to moderation, especially when I see people sipping on wine, or when a friend posts an exotic drink recipe. I get so jealous that I'm not an occasional drinker or a person who gets too tipsy once a month or so or on a special occasion.
I tried moderation and failed. I tried it a few times, but picked back up to the point of no return. Like you, I ended up in ER, but unlike you, my case was so severe, they had me in ICU. I had acidosis, so there was nothing compelling that made me go in terms of pain. I did have severe ataxia, severe dehydration, among other things. I have no idea if it would have cleared on its own. I'll never know, I guess, but i was forced to the hospital for a wakeup call. Now I'm scared to drink.
So this all happened to you when you were casually having one or two glasses/ That's scary. And I thought that in most cases, people died from pancreatitis. Sadly, i know two who've died in the last year. I'm glad you did not. I think I was on my way there because i was having almost constant dull right side pain under the rib cage. Did you have pain in advance?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by notgonnastoptry 
thanks for sharing. These posts are wake up calls for some, including me.
I'm on Day 50 (about) and while I haven't picked up and really haven't been very tempted, my mind wanders to moderation, especially when I see people sipping on wine, or when a friend posts an exotic drink recipe. I get so jealous that I'm not an occasional drinker or a person who gets too tipsy once a month or so or on a special occasion.
I tried moderation and failed. I tried it a few times, but picked back up to the point of no return. Like you, I ended up in ER, but unlike you, my case was so severe, they had me in ICU. I had acidosis, so there was nothing compelling that made me go in terms of pain. I did have severe ataxia, severe dehydration, among other things. I have no idea if it would have cleared on its own. I'll never know, I guess, but i was forced to the hospital for a wakeup call. Now I'm scared to drink.
So this all happened to you when you were casually having one or two glasses/ That's scary. And I thought that in most cases, people died from pancreatitis. Sadly, i know two who've died in the last year. I'm glad you did not. I think I was on my way there because i was having almost constant dull right side pain under the rib cage. Did you have pain in advance?
I'm on Day 50 (about) and while I haven't picked up and really haven't been very tempted, my mind wanders to moderation, especially when I see people sipping on wine, or when a friend posts an exotic drink recipe. I get so jealous that I'm not an occasional drinker or a person who gets too tipsy once a month or so or on a special occasion.
I tried moderation and failed. I tried it a few times, but picked back up to the point of no return. Like you, I ended up in ER, but unlike you, my case was so severe, they had me in ICU. I had acidosis, so there was nothing compelling that made me go in terms of pain. I did have severe ataxia, severe dehydration, among other things. I have no idea if it would have cleared on its own. I'll never know, I guess, but i was forced to the hospital for a wakeup call. Now I'm scared to drink.
So this all happened to you when you were casually having one or two glasses/ That's scary. And I thought that in most cases, people died from pancreatitis. Sadly, i know two who've died in the last year. I'm glad you did not. I think I was on my way there because i was having almost constant dull right side pain under the rib cage. Did you have pain in advance?
I was surprised that the doctor last night didn't admit me, but he did ask me if I thought I could try to manage this at home and said he was on the fence about it, since I wasn't in constant pain. By then it has been several hours since my last attack and I just wanted to sleep, and I didn't want a hospital stay. If I have another severe attack, though, I have to go in.
aka Nesty
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Northern Vt.
Posts: 1,554
Sorry you had to go through that Retread . I was letting alcohol kill me in the end , but when I started feeling the Knifes & or Claws inside of me .. Then & only then . I found myself scared to Die .
Now if I even remotely listen to that AV - I tell it "I remember what you tried to do - Leave me alone !!!
Keep your tools handy , you can win this fight
Everyone here in SR will help you ..
Now if I even remotely listen to that AV - I tell it "I remember what you tried to do - Leave me alone !!!
Keep your tools handy , you can win this fight
Everyone here in SR will help you .. Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 1,053
Hi - what a scary and painful event. My "oh my gosh this is really impacting me physically" was when I got turned down for Life insurance due to high liver enzymes. Yep trying to kill me.
Make a plan and follw it and write about how bad the pain was and keep that paper handy.
Make a plan and follw it and write about how bad the pain was and keep that paper handy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by OnMyWay7
Hi - what a scary and painful event. My "oh my gosh this is really impacting me physically" was when I got turned down for Life insurance due to high liver enzymes. Yep trying to kill me.
Make a plan and follw it and write about how bad the pain was and keep that paper handy.
Make a plan and follw it and write about how bad the pain was and keep that paper handy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 277
Went to work today, and also went to see my primary care doctor. He told me what I already knew, that this is very serious and that I could easily die from it if I am not careful. I told him I am not planning to take any more chances.
This afternoon I have had dull abdominal pain for several hours, but nothing rising to the level of what I experienced on Wednesday, or even close. I have taken my pain medication tonight once I got home from work, and that's helping a little bit, but I'm still pretty uncomfortable. It just feels like a bad stomach ache, though, a 3 or 4 on the 1-10 scale, whereas the pain the other night was at least an 8.5 or 9. I'm not going to panic just yet; I know it takes several days for things to return to normal. If the ER doc didn't think I'd have more pain, he wouldn't have given me pain meds. Hopefully we'll see some improvement tomorrow. I plan to fast tomorrow as well, and perhaps Sunday, if I still feel the need.
This afternoon I have had dull abdominal pain for several hours, but nothing rising to the level of what I experienced on Wednesday, or even close. I have taken my pain medication tonight once I got home from work, and that's helping a little bit, but I'm still pretty uncomfortable. It just feels like a bad stomach ache, though, a 3 or 4 on the 1-10 scale, whereas the pain the other night was at least an 8.5 or 9. I'm not going to panic just yet; I know it takes several days for things to return to normal. If the ER doc didn't think I'd have more pain, he wouldn't have given me pain meds. Hopefully we'll see some improvement tomorrow. I plan to fast tomorrow as well, and perhaps Sunday, if I still feel the need.
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