Mrrryah1

I don't wanna post this but I guess I should be honest right? What's the point in coming here if I'm going to just act fine and not say what's really going on?

I'll keep it real short. Last Friday I decided to try the age old test of having a glass of wine (keep in mind this is WHILE I am taking antabuse drug so that I don't drink... started that because my relapses were getting too dangerous)... needless to say I flipped the switch, couldn't stop, ended up getting drugs.

The police found me alone in my car at 3:30 in the morning. I had overdosed. They told me I was blue coloured and lifeless, wasn't breathing. They gave me a narcan shot and rushed me by ambulance to emergency... and I woke up with no recollection of what happened. Apparently my vitals were such that I should have woken up with severe brain damage (if I was lucky enough to wake up at all).

It's a crazy thing, this disease and it's power. I was so darned serious about not drinking that I went and ASKED my own doctor to give me Antabuse - which would make me violently ill from drinking - and voluntarily took that drug myself - by choice!!! And then, in a moment of powerlessness, I drank anyways!! Like wow! My eyes are opened. I didn't really understand how friggin powerless over that first drink I actually am. Maybe I will get somewhere now I understand that. Maybe I won't. I don't even know anymore.

Anways. I hope I didn't scare anyone or trigger anyone or anything with that, but like I said, if I'm gonna get anywhere I gotta get honest first.

So M is back to SR for the long run.

Oh - one more thing. What COMPLETELY baffles me!??! How in gods name did the police find me, alone in my car, parked on a side (residential) street, with all the lights off. Like Whoa. If that isn't a god? I don't know what is.

I do believe though that god/Higher Power/whatever the heck is out there has spoken to me through this situation by saying - M- no more chances. This is it for you. Choose sobriety or death.

For this day, for this moment, I choose sobriety.

Update:
So - I've been searching around the forums SPECIFICALLY for information on overdoses and people who have gone through the same thing and wow is it ever helping me.

It doesn't feel good to read about the situations where people's loved ones have DIED or woken up with serious brain damage and their families dealing with the consequences. It feels downright awful, disgusting. But in a good way - you know? I know I am better understanding and comprehending the seriousness of this situation by being here and reading. So I'm grateful for that, no matter how much it hurts.

ArtFriend

Wow indeed. You've been given another chance M. I think you are right, divine intervention sent the police to you. I really hope you can kick this for good now. You've been struggling so long! Another lesson learned - don't take that first drink as it leads to where you just were.

Gonnachange

Glad you had a guardian angel looking over you.

ScottFromWI

I think that sums it up well Mrrryah. I'm glad you've chosen to come back to SR for support, but do you honestly feel that SR is going to be enough? You've said that you were back here before several times, what will you do this time to make sure you stick with it?

ElleDee

How could you even drink on Antabuse? Usually (other than getting sick) alcohol has no effect.

I'm so glad you are okay and maybe this is was the wakeup you needed. You got another chance, you are very lucky/blessed.

Fly N Buy

I never discount the grace of God, but when the cops found me passed out it was because my foot was on the brake, I was half way on someones lawn, my car door was half way open and my bobbing head kept honking the horn!

Glad you're here and I agree with your observation that maybe the point has been reached with only two choices remaining.

Today I am grateful knowing to drink is to die. There is no middle ground any more for me.

Hope you find a plan of action that works for you.
Thanks for the re-mindful thread today.

AnvilheadII

i'm glad you get another chance.

with as serious as your condition IS, isn't time to pull out all the stops and pull out the BIG GUNS? launch a recovery "defense" of the highest magnitude? YOUR LIFE IS AT STAKE. and nothing you have done up until now has brought about the full committed recovery you DESERVE.

Time2Rise

That's very serious sh*t Mrrryah. Honestly, it sounds like you were very close to death. Had the police not found you and if they were not carrying Narcan, you may not have been posting today.

However, I'm glad you're here and posting. I wish I had some sage advise, but I'm new to this journey, so I can only offer a shoulder to lean on. But I'd say it's time for you to do whatever it takes to find sobriety. You may want to recommit with those of us who have joined the Class of August 2015.

Venecia

Myr,

I'm glad you're alive.

I wasn't entirely sure, based on your use of the word "update" toward the end, if you were describing the OD from May -- the one when described waking up in the hospital connected to various monitors -- or if this is a more recent occurrence. As I read it, it is a separate event.

Yours have been among the most harrowing stories I've seen on SR. After the May OD, many people rallied behind you. My concern -- and I bring this up out of concern and not derision -- is that you made a commitment to rehab early in the thread describing your May incident.

Within a day, you were hedging about going inpatient.

We've not seen you here in a while. I'm guessing I wasn't the only one who had dark concerns.

SR is a wonderful place and one with a strong community that will offer you the support we can. I don't think we're enough, though.

I hope that you do a clear-headed assessment of where your life is at. It is impossible to escape the sense that inpatient rehab is where you need to be for an intense period. Looking for online accounts of those who have had similar experiences strikes me has a measure with limited helpfulness.

Please be careful, Myr. Take care of yourself and make wise decisions.

Mrrryah1

Thanks Venecia. That hit me to my core...

No, this was a separate incident, and very different from the one in May.

I've been to inpatient not once, but 3 times in the past.

Locking me up for a period of time may keep me sober while I'm in there, but when I get out I have to re-learn how to live in the real world sober. And that's what I have the real difficulty with. I don't want to keep using resources and money on treatment centers if I'm going to continue to relapse when I get out.

They didn't even used to have treatment centres, just detox at the hospital, and tons of people got sober through AA.

These are just my thoughts, and my sponsors thoughts as well...

I dunno what else to say about that idea.

Soberwolf

I'm so glad your ok Mrrryah its really good to see you

ScottFromWI

There was a time when there was no such thing as antibiotics too. There was also a time when they used to drill holes in peoples heads to "bleed out the demons" instead of therapy.

The point is, just because they didn't have inpatient treatment, or even the fact that inpatient treatment hasn't worked for you in the past - that shouldn't be a reason to discount it. I'm glad you said that venecia's post shook you to the core...because I don't think you truly realize how unbelievably serious your problem is.

Mrrryah1

ElleDee - I guess I hadn't been taking it long enough for it to build up in my system?? I was only on 250 mg a day for a couple of weeks.

I dunno what else to say about that. I got a smashing headache and felt all flushed and sick but I did feel a buzz.

I do remember reading online that it makes alcohol ineffective too though so I will ask my doctor about that. Maybe I need a higher dosage.

SoberRunner

Wow!! I agree--definitely divine intervention!!


I'm glad you're ok though! Thank you for sharing--your story was definitely a wake up call for me to be (extra) vigilant on not taking that first drink / not falling for the "Maybe I'll just have one glass of wine" thought. That sneaky thought has gotten me into trouble too.

Be well!

Mrrryah1

On Monday, I'm going to talk to the addiction help centre in my city to find out if there are any options available to me to do outpatient treatment while continuing to work.

I'm recently single (that old engagement ended) and have two mortgage payments on my plate, ex fiance took the money, I don't exactly have unlimited resources at my fingertips right now for inpatient.

AnvilheadII

so where were you at the time you decided a glass of wine was a good idea? and how did you get the wine? what happened prior to making that decision that may have prompted or triggered the notion?

start to break it down and look at how many opportunities were there for you to make another choice, use another tool, call someone, tell someone, report yourself immediately to a meeting or a trusted friend or your doctor's office......turn over your keys to someone. hell SELL the car if that will help.

Anna

M, I am so thankful that you survived that incident. It's scary when you disappear for weeks and months. Maybe you think we don't care or we don't think about you, but that's not true. We do, I do.

It's clear that the Universe has a plan for you that involves you continuing to live your life.

I don't know what suggestions to make other than the usual. But, I ask you to stay in contact with SR. I am here every day and so are many of your other friends.

ScottFromWI

Perhaps inpatient is not the right way to go Mrrryah, an addiction center can certainly help you determine that.

I guess the question though is why are you waiting until monday? You've nearly died twice because of your addiction..literally. Being single or worrying about a mortgage hardly even seems relevant from the outside, this is literally a life or death matter for you.

ElleDee

I had to come back and read this again.

Your story shakes me up after I learned over the weekend that my ex found his girlfriend dead on the bathroom floor at 54 years. She couldn't stop drinking and wouldn't go for help.

You must know how lucky you are? If you believe in God, believe that he wants you alive or you wouldn't be here sharing with us. Please do whatever it takes to get well. You have so much support here. I wish I could hug you.

notgonnastoptry

Glad you are here. While I didn't technically OD or get alcohol poisoning, I had a serious situation of acidosis. Everything was off in my body. Went to ER (forced), then admitted to ICU for a few days, then regular room. It was a mess and the wakeup call I needed.