getright15

Because I can't put her through this nonsense anymore! I posted all my wrong doings in my reflecting thread yesterday, and I appreciate all the advice and support.

We have two kids 12(from her previous) and 5(just started kindergarten). My alcoholism has affected them in many ways I'm sure from the mean things I've said and what they've witnessed. My wife is in nursing school, and I get arrested the first week of her starting. What kind of support is that? She does deserve better...the kids deserve better. Her fuse with me has been long, I'd say very long! She's left before. The last time was back in June, and I was home alone just drinking on the couch after I got off work being miserable. She doesn't want to leave me, but I'm a mess. I could've killed someone including myself before my last arrest. Instead I killed the wheels on my truck hitting a curve I think causing me to blow out my left side wheels. So about 1000.00 later and getting back from the inpound it's back up and running. Her mom hates me and said shes "over it" (me being a drunk and her staying with me). Really what good is coming from her being with me? I can answer...not much. I take care of the bills, but I know that makes her want to finish school much faster so she doesn't have to depend on me financially. Hell I don't even know how I have kept my jobs during all this nonsense. No idea!

Well I guess time will tell this chapter in my life. I don't understand why I put my family through hell. I really don't get it. I don't like jail...so why I have I gone there 3 times in the last 15 months? I just keep shaking my head.

This site really helps...which is why I keep coming back.

Soberwolf

https://youtu.be/2vj-ZmYTGAw

LBrain

Just an observation...

Telling your wife to leave because you don't want to sober up makes no sense man. That is a defeatist attitude if there ever was one.

If she doesn't deserve "this" then how about changing "this"?
She also doesn't deserve to be left on her own with two children while going through nursing school.
Telling her to leave for 'her own good' is just another way for you to run away from the real problem. Is it a free pass to continue drinking because you are lessening your other responsibilities? Start eliminating things that matter from your life so you can continue to drink unchecked?

MythOfSisyphus

When you're going through hell, keep going! You know that you have to stop, and it seems like you're on the right path. You can't do a thing about the past, it's written in stone. But you don't have to let it define the rest of your life, getright15.

Hawkeye13

If you stop, you can be there for both the kids and her.

It sounds like there is a lot of love on all sides--that's worth saving.

MIRecovery

AA worked for me

LostLilly

Hello,

I have put my family through a lot of misery also and when I think about it, which is often, I freel like crap!!! I am really depressed today, in fact, and like you will be dealing with the ramifications of my mistakes for a long time in the future. The best thing we can do for our families and ourselves is to get it together. Having the future be different from the past. Who cares what some family or friends think. Throwing in the towel will only lead to bigger disaster. Yes, something worse could have even happened last time and if we act the same ways again it may. Everyone makes mistakes and struggles internally. Out of the biggest mistakes can come huge future success and rewards. Maybe you can help someone in your place now down the road when you are sober. Maybe talking honestly to your kids in the future can help them. Relationships can be rebuilt and so can trust. I get your pain and am living it. One day at a time, don't give up, post often. You are already admitting to the problem, want help, and want to change. You can do it!!!!😀😀

Nowsthetime

Hello:

It pains me to hear that you have said that to your wife, after everything she has gone through with you. I feel like it's a cop out, like putting the ball in her court and transferring the responsibility. It sounds like your wife really loves you. Put yourself in her shoes for a second and think about how what you said made her feel.

It sounds like you are about to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. Use this to propel your sobriety. We are here to listen and help.

You are not alone!!!

TroyW

I can't say it any better than LBrain did.

ScottFromWI

Lots of good advice here getitright. I'm a bit confused as well, is this something you just told your wife or was it right after the last incident? Either way it seems to be a knee-jerk reaction and probably something you want to sit down and talk through with her.

You cannot, and will never be able to change the past. You can change today though and make wise decisions about how you want to live your life moving forward. You have an outpatient rehab program coming up soon. You could also be attending meetings or researching other support methods in the meantime. You could be spending time with your kids and family. You could be doing a lot of things besides living in the past and ruminating about it, ya know?

entropy1964

I understand how you're feeling. I have been there. For me, and this is just where my thinking was, telling those that love me to leave me was what I call a reservation. It was my alcoholic brain telling me that I don't want to quit, or can't, so get rid of the obsticles to my drinking and tell them to leave. That way I can drink with impunity. I suggest really looking at whether or not you have truly surrendered to the fact that you cannot drink. When you think of them leaving, do you imagine yourself embarking on recovery? Or 'giving up' because 'you're hopeless' and continuing to drink? For me, it was not the 'selfless' act I was thinking it was. It was selfish because truly I envisioned myself continuing to drink. This is just my experience however. I have also envisioned just riding off into the sunset so to speak, bottle in hand. Why bother? I'm hopeless. When I have a solid recovery plan, and have accepted that I cannot drink, this kind of thinking has no place. Try not to trip about the future. One step at a time, one right thing at a time. Examine your real motives here. Truly, if you quit, things will improve. Maybe not all at once, there will still be problems. And yes, you'll have to face the full consequences of your actions. And that hurts...believe me, I know. But pushing people away, especially your kids, to me only means you want to continue to drink. You can do this. Just don't take that first drink.

getright15

I don't want to keep drinking. I haven't either. I just been a complete ahole and feel like I've messed up her life with my drinking. My plan is to go to out patient and see how that goes. I personally don't want to keep living like this and I feel she should'nt have to worry about me if I'm going relapse or flip out one day.

getright15

Trust me I feel defeated!

Nowsthetime

I hear you Getit, but by telling her to leave you are confirming that you will drink again and actually giving yourself that permission and we all know here that thoughts can lead to actions if we let them.

fantail

I have to agree with folks above. I've been on both sides of this kind of situation. I know that from the side of the person hurting, telling the other person to go away feels noble and self-sacrificing. But from her perspective it probably feels a lot more like "I told you to go, so if you stay your pain is your own responsibility." Whether you force her out of the relationship, or stay in it and continue drinking... either way you've dropped your side of the responsibilities of raising children together and supporting one another through life. Just because one option is more painful for you than the other doesn't make it better for her. Not trying to be critical, I just know pretty well how it feels from both sides.

courage2

^^^this.

Putting the burden on your wife to leave is selfish in the extreme. (No offense -- it's your alcoholism, not you.) It sets you up for later when you're out of work (because by leaving she absolved you of the responsibility to work) and living on the streets (because she "took" your home) -- then you can blame her for your aloneness and estrangement from your kids. And drink more over that.

Act like a man. Stop drinking, and throw yourself into AA, IOP, or another program of recovery.

Do the right thing for yourself and your family!

ccam1973

The choice is yours Getitright. You don't have to drink any more. Don't just go to out patient to see how it goes... go and make it work. Your wife will never have to worry about you relapsing or flipping out one day if you get yourself straight.

Plenty of us here have done the same and been through what you are going through. Getting sober isn't easy, but is totally worth the effort you put into it.

Time to step up and make a change. Dig deep and do this for yourself. Everyone else will benefit from you not drinking.

Lean on us as much as you need.

FreeOwl

I though the same thing.

And I also thought it seems pretty manipulative to put it on her.... In some twisted way it seems like a play for her sympathy and a way to ensure she WON'T leave. It seems like a co-dependency trait. 'Woe is me. I am hopeless and you should save yourself and leave'.

It makes the person dealing with all of this, the person who loves you, tue person who is going into nursing probably because she is good-hearted and wants to help people - feel like she cannot possibly abandon you.

I don't know you and I don't know if that's at all what's going on - but honestly that's what arose for me.

Don't play the hopeless martyr. Don't put this on her. Don't give your children the example of the despairing father who couldn't save himself.... And most of all; don't give up on YOU.

You deserve to be happy, joyous and free. You can do that, and you can be for your family the man you know you really want to be.

You need only choose it, take action and embrace it.

Sobriety is a glorious gift and you won't regret it.

PasserbyDave

GetRight, your words sound so familiar: "I don't understand... I really don't get it... I just keep shaking my head..."

I really wanted to stop drinking too, because I was destroying myself and my family - but I kept drinking anyway - for 30 hard years. The truth was, while PART of me wanted to stop, there was another part of me that definitely DID NOT. The problem is our brains include a hard-wired self-preservation mechanism that drives us toward pleasurable, survival-related things like food and water and air. Unfortunately we react to alcohol the same way - some of us (like me) much more than others. Alcohol makes us finally feel GOOD inside, so our brains tell us to pursue it like it's a matter of life or death. The key is to start listening for that defective little survival-voice in your head, and treat it like it's a separate thing inside of you. Whenever it tells you're not feeling so good and that you need a drink to feel better, that you deserve it, that just one little glass won't hurt -- you have to tell it (inside your head) to SHUT UP. Because even though this mechanism evolved to help you survive, it's killing you now, and its destroying your wife and your kids' lives.

You can conquer it. You CAN.

FreeOwl

Don't go to outpatient and 'see how that goes'

Go to outpatient 'to jumpstart your sobriety and start a new life free from addiction'

Start right NOW. Do not leave room to 'see how it goes'. This is YOUR bus, drive it.