Told wife to divorce me after last bender....
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Location: Nevada
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I see how that can come across as the case about being manipulative. I'm not trying to be whatsoever. She does have a great heart and finishing school has been a passion and she is completely driven to do so. I admire her for her strength and the resolve she has shown through the things I have put her through. I only say what I said about her leaving not to be manipulative or purposely put the ball in her court, but to let her know I'm fully aware that I'm the one that has been screwing up our relationship and our lives. I'm not looking for sympathy from her. She knows I know I'm the one with the problem.
Originally Posted by FreeOwl 
I though the same thing.
And I also thought it seems pretty manipulative to put it on her.... In some twisted way it seems like a play for her sympathy and a way to ensure she WON'T leave. It seems like a co-dependency trait. 'Woe is me. I am hopeless and you should save yourself and leave'.
It makes the person dealing with all of this, the person who loves you, tue person who is going into nursing probably because she is good-hearted and wants to help people - feel like she cannot possibly abandon you.
I don't know you and I don't know if that's at all what's going on - but honestly that's what arose for me.
Don't play the hopeless martyr. Don't put this on her. Don't give your children the example of the despairing father who couldn't save himself.... And most of all; don't give up on YOU.
You deserve to be happy, joyous and free. You can do that, and you can be for your family the man you know you really want to be.
You need only choose it, take action and embrace it.
Sobriety is a glorious gift and you won't regret it.
And I also thought it seems pretty manipulative to put it on her.... In some twisted way it seems like a play for her sympathy and a way to ensure she WON'T leave. It seems like a co-dependency trait. 'Woe is me. I am hopeless and you should save yourself and leave'.
It makes the person dealing with all of this, the person who loves you, tue person who is going into nursing probably because she is good-hearted and wants to help people - feel like she cannot possibly abandon you.
I don't know you and I don't know if that's at all what's going on - but honestly that's what arose for me.
Don't play the hopeless martyr. Don't put this on her. Don't give your children the example of the despairing father who couldn't save himself.... And most of all; don't give up on YOU.
You deserve to be happy, joyous and free. You can do that, and you can be for your family the man you know you really want to be.
You need only choose it, take action and embrace it.
Sobriety is a glorious gift and you won't regret it.
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Originally Posted by getright15
I admire her for her strength and the resolve she has shown through the things I have put her through. I only say what I said about her leaving not to be manipulative or purposely put the ball in her court, but to let her know I'm fully aware that I'm the one that has been screwing up our relationship and our lives. I'm not looking for sympathy from her. She knows I know I'm the one with the problem.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,649
Lots of great advice here. I hope you take it. You do what you do because you are an alcoholic. You are the only one who can change the drinking. When we realize we are alcoholics it is time to do something about it. STOP drinking. Not easy, but you can do it. Your family needs a father and husband and you need to be a man. We are all here for you.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Interesting thread. I am new here.......have been AF for about 8 wks (not a day counter) and my husband initially was on board to do it together. He started up again in the past few weeks here and there, and the old toxic pattern is slowly starting to emerge. Saturday night was bad......he had been gone for a week traveling and did the whole" I am just going to have a couple of beers".."I have been working sooo many hours this week I need to relax"...I am so stressed by xyz, need to decompress" thing. I tried to just relax and hope for the best. (I will not nag , it is counterproductive) Anyway, what usuallt happens did, several beers and a copious amount of spirits later. Total dark side, complete inebriation, memory loss, etc. Had to do the whole help to bed ******** routine. ANYWAY, what I am getting at (sorry for the long post with no real introduction) is that he said the same thing to my daughter the next day. (Woe is me, I suck, Mom should leave me.)
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Originally Posted by getright15
I don't want to keep drinking. I haven't either. I just been a complete ahole and feel like I've messed up her life with my drinking. My plan is to go to out patient and see how that goes. I personally don't want to keep living like this and I feel she should'nt have to worry about me if I'm going relapse or flip out one day.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
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I have to say that you are so lucky that she is standing by you. If you still love her and want to be with her then you've hit the jackpot. I was not so lucky. Although that's a complex story 
I get that you believe you are being selfless. In a few months of being sober, and staying in the relationship, you may see this from a completely different angle. If you want out of the relationship, then leave for you, and own that. She owns her decisions. And besides, what about your babies? Anyway, nough said.
What does Yoda say? Try not, do, or do not. There is no try.
I get that you believe you are being selfless. In a few months of being sober, and staying in the relationship, you may see this from a completely different angle. If you want out of the relationship, then leave for you, and own that. She owns her decisions. And besides, what about your babies? Anyway, nough said.
What does Yoda say? Try not, do, or do not. There is no try.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Ky
Posts: 2,043
My husband staying has helped me finally start on the track to get it right. I agree with everyone here that it should be her decision to leave or stay. If she loves you truly she will want to stick by you thick and thin. My marriage has had the book thrown at it trying to make it end..we have vowed to fight for it and are fighting tooth and nail to stay together. You committed to be together through thick and thin to the end death do you part. Your vows should be stronger than this disease. Some people make it some people don't. I hope you make it. Your vows are sacred and should be the constant and the one thing that won't change...your drinking/addiction should be the one thing that CAN change...just my opinion. Hope it helps.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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I did the exact same thing this past weekend. All my emotional problems and stuff going on, my wife was really upset and saw me struggling, telling me at times she couldn't handle me like this and saying she was scared of this and that. I then told her she could leave since this is not getting better for me and it won't for a long time.
She never did leave but it did in fact hurt her by telling her that she should leave or I should because I didn't want to put her through this suffering just because I'm a hopeless drunk etc.
After putting more thought into this, if I leave her, or force her to leave, then I'm only going to put her in a situation like mine. Sure she might get better in the long-run who knows, I may get better as well. That's what alcohol does to us, it threatens to tear our family apart if we don't give in, it also threatens to tear us apart if we do by disguising itself as a fix.
How bad are our decisions as alcoholics anyway? Pretty bad to get us here. We need to make our decisions wisely as we are in no place to make any decision besides getting help for ourselves and not worry more than we have to for others.
She never did leave but it did in fact hurt her by telling her that she should leave or I should because I didn't want to put her through this suffering just because I'm a hopeless drunk etc.
After putting more thought into this, if I leave her, or force her to leave, then I'm only going to put her in a situation like mine. Sure she might get better in the long-run who knows, I may get better as well. That's what alcohol does to us, it threatens to tear our family apart if we don't give in, it also threatens to tear us apart if we do by disguising itself as a fix.
How bad are our decisions as alcoholics anyway? Pretty bad to get us here. We need to make our decisions wisely as we are in no place to make any decision besides getting help for ourselves and not worry more than we have to for others.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
You're right about the great advice. I'm reading each post and I know I have a major problem. Trust me I don't want her to leave. I've gotten a taste of that already before and it was terrible. I'm looking forward to my 90 day treatment as I do want to get my act right.
Originally Posted by huntingtontx
Lots of great advice here. I hope you take it. You do what you do because you are an alcoholic. You are the only one who can change the drinking. When we realize we are alcoholics it is time to do something about it. STOP drinking. Not easy, but you can do it. Your family needs a father and husband and you need to be a man. We are all here for you.
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Tons of great advice here getitright.
You can make good for the mistakes of the past and be the husband and father you want to be - don't believe any thought that tells you otherwise.
Energy spent on self pity, or self loathing, is wasted energy man.
Put that energy to work
Like Scott said - don't 'hope' or 'try' - do
D
You can make good for the mistakes of the past and be the husband and father you want to be - don't believe any thought that tells you otherwise.
Energy spent on self pity, or self loathing, is wasted energy man.
Put that energy to work
Like Scott said - don't 'hope' or 'try' - do
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
Truer words couldn't be spoken Dee! I go to my assessment on Friday finally as I just got the clearance I need to start from my doctor. I'm looking forward to starting treatment that is for sure. I really do appreciate all the posts from everyone. I take something from each person on here as I know we all have had our own journey to get to the points of finally submitting and quitting this disease.
Originally Posted by Dee74
Tons of great advice here getitright.
You can make good for the mistakes of the past and be the husband and father you want to be - don't believe any thought that tells you otherwise.
Energy spent on self pity, or self loathing, is wasted energy man.
Put that energy to work
Like Scott said - don't 'hope' or 'try' - do
D
You can make good for the mistakes of the past and be the husband and father you want to be - don't believe any thought that tells you otherwise.
Energy spent on self pity, or self loathing, is wasted energy man.
Put that energy to work
Like Scott said - don't 'hope' or 'try' - do
D
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Tuxedo Park, NY
Posts: 1,101
Good luck on Friday with your appointment, I hope it is what will help guide you to freedom from poisoning yourself and your family any further.
I don't have children but I have a wife who has stood by me watching me self destruct over the years. She had tried to help over the years and is amazing but ultimately I had to choose to stop drinking on my own as you will have to also. Looking back I realize what a selfish jerk I had been all those years. I cant be sure why she stuck it out through all those bad times but I am sure glad I never lost her. Move forward you can't change the past, and quit making excuses.
Make this stick, stay sober and I wouldn't be surprised if your thinking the same thing in 6 months.
I don't have children but I have a wife who has stood by me watching me self destruct over the years. She had tried to help over the years and is amazing but ultimately I had to choose to stop drinking on my own as you will have to also. Looking back I realize what a selfish jerk I had been all those years. I cant be sure why she stuck it out through all those bad times but I am sure glad I never lost her. Move forward you can't change the past, and quit making excuses.
Make this stick, stay sober and I wouldn't be surprised if your thinking the same thing in 6 months.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 245
Sorry to hear about your situation. I'd have to agree with what is being said. You don't wanna give yourself an opportunity to continue drinking. If you try to make your best efforts to get better you can have the relationship with your family that I'm sure you'd like to have.
I get where you are coming from in saying that you don't want to keep putting your wife and kids through this. Deep down I'm sure you don't want to keeping putting yourself through this either.
Prayers for you and hopefully things get better between you all.
I get where you are coming from in saying that you don't want to keep putting your wife and kids through this. Deep down I'm sure you don't want to keeping putting yourself through this either.
Prayers for you and hopefully things get better between you all.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
You're right I don't want to keep putting myself through this. Today was kind of rough with the anxiety and still is. I've just been thinking about my court cases that I have coming down the road. I know I can't change the past, and I'm trying my hardest not to let my situations get to me but man it's tough. I plan on dealing with everything sober. Drinking has brought nothing but pure grief!
I appreciate the prayers you're sending my way as well.
I appreciate the prayers you're sending my way as well.
Originally Posted by TNTStill
Sorry to hear about your situation. I'd have to agree with what is being said. You don't wanna give yourself an opportunity to continue drinking. If you try to make your best efforts to get better you can have the relationship with your family that I'm sure you'd like to have.
I get where you are coming from in saying that you don't want to keep putting your wife and kids through this. Deep down I'm sure you don't want to keeping putting yourself through this either.
Prayers for you and hopefully things get better between you all.
I get where you are coming from in saying that you don't want to keep putting your wife and kids through this. Deep down I'm sure you don't want to keeping putting yourself through this either.
Prayers for you and hopefully things get better between you all.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Tuxedo Park, NY
Posts: 1,101
Good thing you are trying to get it together, it is very hard I agree. It is also extremely tough to stay sober when times are tough and we feel hopeless. I don't have any magic fix except knowing drinking does nothing but make any problem worse.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
If I was either that 5 or 12 year old, I'd much prefer my dad to sort his life out, cut out the drinking and stay with my mum to create the safe and secure family unit that I could grow up in!!
You gotta get a plan together, draw a line in the sand under alcohol and be the family man you need to be moving forward!!
You can do this!!
You gotta get a plan together, draw a line in the sand under alcohol and be the family man you need to be moving forward!!
You can do this!!
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