Foolsgold186

I feel ashamed dee. I thought I'd be a better parent, I thought I'd be a better person. I need to speak to my gp.

Dee74

I'm sorry you feel ashamed.

I'm always amazed and inspired by how people deal with things like parenthood and recovery.

it's a hard gig...and, if my friends are any yardstick, few of us are natural parents....but they learn

Cut yourself a little slack, get some help, and see how you are in a week or two

D

Soberwolf

I agree your being really hard on yourself

RichardParker

If you are having a difficult time going to AA meetings in person, there are many online video meetings frequently at a website called "In The Rooms". You should give it a Google if you're interested. There's also online SMART meetings on the SMART website. Whatever your taste, there's something online for it. You can do this!

Nowsthetime

Hello darling:

Please repeat after me: I CAN do this, I CAN do this, I CAN do this!!!

First thing I had to do was learn to discern between ME and my AV. This change in thoughts really has made a difference.

If you do things right today and everyday from then on, your past soon will be positive. We only have NOW.

Do not live in the past but learn from it.

Remember: YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!

FreeOwl

Yes. You can do this.

I'm sorry to hear of the struggles you're feeling.... know that you're not alone and that many of us have felt in that very same place.

And yet we made it out, and to a far, far better place.

Surround yourself with the support to honor your choice of sobriety and keep at it.... IT GETS A THOUSAND TIMES BETTER

ccam1973

Foolsgold, you're dealing with a lot right now. There's great advice in this thread.

Never any shame or embarrassment in getting help to make yourself better.

Great job on staying sober. You've got a ton of support in this community!

mystified

So cry. We're here for you.

And please talk to your healthcare provider about post natal depression TODAY, like now. Please? It doesn't mean you're crazy (although I know it feels like that) and it definitely doesn't mean you love your boy any less.

Foolsgold186

Thank you everyone.

Could I be depressed? I feel I'm "happy" but do feel it's all for show but I'm not unhappy? Does that make sense? Just very neutral. I used to be so zesty and up for life. I can't pinpoint my issues and I'm terrified things are spiralling

SoberLeigh

I am so sorry that you are struggling, sweet foolsgold.

You have a lot on your plate with a new little one. You are navigating unchartered waters as you will throughout parenthood. The journey can be uncertain and unsettling at times.

Reaching out to your GP to let him/her know how you are feeling could be helpful.

It seems unfair, I know, when you struggling in other areas of your life that you have to dig deep to find added strength to deal with sobriety. Dig deep, though, as the rewards are well-worth the dig; know that we are here with you.

Foolsgold186

I can't explain the relief I feel coming here. The people I hold dearest to me don't know my struggles, I make out life is okay but I'm drowning. I hold you all dearly for the help and support you give.

I'd be drunk right now if it weren't for you all.

Got an appointment with the doc on Tuesday.

Sasha4

When I had my baby I went through all different types of emotions.
I also didn't know who 'I' was anymore.
I became quite isolated too.
My baby fed, fed and fed and never slept.
I was doing the feeding myself so she could never have a bottle from anyone else. I never got a break.
Some days it felt like I sat on the sofa for hours and she fed from me.

My relationship was hard and we separated, although probably a few different reasons why to your situation.

I would say talk to someone - your GP, your health visitor, a friend, or family member.

I can remember having overwhelming thoughts like 'I will never be on my own again for the next 18 years - I will always have someone else to consider'.

Having a child is wonderful, but it can be so tough.

To be honest if you had no problems adjusting, I think that would be strange. I would probably think you were not telling the truth either as everyone I know who has had a baby has had times of great uncertainty in what they are doing.

A baby does change your relationship and I think its a while until you know what these changes mean to each other.

You become different people.
I think it is like getting to know each other again.
I also think that you have so much love and patience and time for your baby that its hard in the early months to have the same love, patience and time for your partner.

For me getting out of the house was key. Sometimes just a walk with my pram outside helped. It got me in a better frame of mind.
I made friends with other new mums too.
That helped as I saw they had the same worries and feelings that I did.
I did mourn the old pre-baby me too.
Its such a massive adjustment honey.

PND can often occur when your baby is older.
Its not always in the first few weeks or months.
There is nothing to be ashamed of is you feel down.
It does not mean you love your baby any less.

If you have a female GP at the surgery you could make an appointment with, that could be a starting point.
Believe me, they are not going to cart you off to an asylum when you say you are feeling a bit down.

Many, many mum's go through this - me included.

I wish you the best xx

Foolsgold186

Sasha - thank you. I always feel you know what to say that makes me feel not so bad. I'm worried if I say I'm down or feel out of sorts my son will be taken from me. I don't care about myself but for him I would die. I look at my him and I know I do my best, I'm just scared drink will take this from me. I'm really struggling and I have such high expectations from everyone. I feel I'm never going to win

SoberLeigh

You are a winner already, foolsgold; you prove it every day.

SoberJimmy

Foolsgold,

I hear you. It's frustrating, but honestly, you know you CAN do it. You know this because you did it for 13 months, which can't be dismissed. You can, and will, get back there. Stay positive, and good luck.

Sasha4

Never will your son be taken from you over the way you feel now.

You promise me you will never feel like you cannot say to anyone you feel down or you are struggling?

I think just take it day by day.
I remember a time when my baby was about 4 months old.
My partner had left me, my boiler had broken so no hot water or heating, I was knee high in dirty laundry.
I think I slept about 2 hours a night, no more.


My only way to get through it was to look after me and my baby and no-one else.
I slept when she slept - although that was not much.
We stayed in one room with the fire on.
If we didn't get dressed so what?

I would also say accept help if it is offered.
Don't be proud.
If someone says 'I will watch him so you can go the shops' snatch their hands off!!

If something goes wrong - a row, a bad night's sleep, the house is a tip, whatever, just chalk it down to experience and move on.
I remember throwing baby grows away if they were really manky.
I remember eating pot noodles instead of meals.
I remember going to Tesco in my pyjama bottoms.
I brushed my hair about twice a week.
I constantly had 2 wet patches from where I was feeding.
My leg hair was about 8 inches long!
I can laugh now, but at the time I felt ashamed.
I thought for goodness sake, I am 38 years old.
I need to get a grip.

Babies throw us massive curve balls in our well ordered lives.
They don't sleep when we want them to or eat what we want them to.
Its a lovely, lovely time but wow it is hard.

If you sort address these feelings now, they won't spiral. You and your GP can get them in check. It might be tablets, it might be talking, it might be a few more appointments to monitor you.

Have you managed to make many new mum friends?
Do you get any time off from your boy?

Sasha4

I think the other thing I forgot to mention was the emotions I had for my baby, about me and others.

I was totally not prepared for them.

I never felt I was doing good enough for my baby.
I felt such over powering love for my baby.

No-one can ever tell you how over powering the emotions are.

ScottFromWI

You could absolutely be depressed. There is post-partum depression, and just standard depression. I think it's great that you are seeing a doctor soon, please share how you are feeling.

Soberwolf