Madruski

I chose to go sober to be able to pick up my social skills . years of drinking has made me withdraw and become quite antisocial due to of course doing so many embarrassing things that I chose to completely cut off all contact with people around me other then my family.

How can others respect you, if you don't respect yourself?

- I pondered this question alot, and knew it was because of drinking, but instead of stopping I chose to drink more and just hide away from society. - even a friendly chit chat at the gym about a workout program was excruciatingly difficult because for some reason I felt pathetic, but didn't know why.

How has your social level improved since you have gone sober?

Thanks

Marcher13

Social anxiety is fairly common among addicts and the isolation that addiction brings tends to worsen the feelings.

Madruski I think one of the best things you can do when you feel anxious socially is to put yourself in the other person's shoes while taking a genuine interest in them. Socially, I think it's way less important to talk and be entertaining than to genuinely care about and have an interest in the other person.

Keep at it.

Wastinglife

Well, as my drinking progressed, so did my ability to be an obnoxious douchebag. I was no longer a 'fun drunk'. I could be belligerent and down right offensive to people. Slowly, invitations to social gatherings stopped coming in and friends, even family, distanced themselves.

For a long time, I used alcohol as a crutch in social situations and it helped me come out of my shell. But as my tolerance grew and I could no longer control my intake, I wasn't someone you wanted to drink with.

Being sober means I can actually be myself. I can be nice and interesting, instead of a blathering idiot. People generally don't like to talk to drunks apparently....

Trees39

I judged and held deep resentments of those closest to me, eventually driving them away. Thought I was proved right when they left.

6 months of working on my sobriety has helped me to start to begin to understand that I made it very difficult for them to stay.

I'm trying to learn to accept others values and ways of living that differ from mine.

I no longer lash out with nasty opinions

I no longer view things as right or wrong

I'm not sure people's actions define them

I guess I'm unsure now about all the things I thought were true- so I'm learning

FarToGo

I really relate to your past way of viewing the world and admire your growing wisdom.
x

Dee74

to be honest I'm not sure my social skills have improved that much - but I know I'm far more comfortable in my own skin now.

I'm friendly, and I listen to people - it gets me a long way, but in the end people either like me or they don't, and I'm ok with that

D

Soberwolf

What D said

Madruski

Quite correct, but if you're more comfortable then that's a social improvement I would say.

biminiblue

I've learned to hold my tongue about others, and to honor my own inner instincts.

Anna

I always had a problem with boundaries. Therefore I would sometimes over-share and regret it later, or I would under-share and seem to be aloof or disinterested. Recovery has allowed me to have clear boundaries and I am very comfortable when I choose to share something personal with family/friends or not.

Aellyce

Interesting question. I definitely needed improvement in my social skills when I was young, I wasn't one born as a 'people's person', at all. For me it has been a process since my childhood, with the development quite seriously stalled and often corrupted during the years when I was drinking heavily. What's been interesting for me in this whole area is that I have always been very comfortable with 1:1 relationships since my early childhood and have always liked to have 1-2 really close relationships (friends, romance, close professional collaboration and co-evolution, mentors, whatever). I tend to feel a strong lacking in my life when I don't have one of these at a given period. In this area, I think I have always been relaxed and naturally myself -- whether people like it or not, it's their choice (as Dee also pointed out), I am fine with that and have never had problems finding compatible others, drunk or sober. I've hardly ever had social anxiety 1:1, except in some specific cases when I would be with someone particularly aggressive/insecure in that setting, but even then, I usually find my way. Of course the relationships and people with whom we found each-other interesting as a drunk very much reflected my own level of mental health usually. I am quite happy about a few relationships I have developed in sobriety and that have proven worthy of keeping over time.

The area where I needed (and still do) a lot of work is how I feel, interact, and relate in groups. Definitely far more challenging. My profession involves continuous interactions and collaborations in groups, a lot of team work, and I wasn't always fond of and comfortable with this the way I am today. Getting involved in SR and being very active on the board for at least during my first sober year really helped in this area, even though of course it's a limited (albeit often safer) version of more complex social life in 3D. I've had very good experience with the public forum here, and it inspired me to make a lot of effort to improve how I integrate into groups and interact with many people in ways that require different skills from 1:1 relationships. It's a work in progress, but I am motivated to work on it more, reinforced by the small (and sometimes bigger) successes. Luckily, I am gifted with a wonderful professional community that I have expanded in sobriety and plan to broaden even more in the future. As for personal life, I am still not someone who likes a big social circle, but that's my personality and I am 100% okay with it now. Generally, working with good people in teams and having a few special, deeper personal relationships is pretty much the ideal social life for me, and I can say I'm there now.

Oh, and reading Anna's post: healthy boundaries definitely need work for me as well, but I choose not to beat up myself now when I occasionally shift into extremes in this area as it's much better than anytime before.

Fly N Buy

I hang out with sober drunks - I use to hang out with drunk drunks. I hear a little less foul language, more polite tones (sometimes) but a lot more honesty.

Overall, I'd say things are looking up as far as my social skills. Why just the other day I listened to a Bombastic Blowhard who would not quell his filibustering tirade. In times past I would have corrected his tone, the content of his speech and his use of grammar. I probably would have yelled at him using foul language as well!!!

Instead, I turned the channel to a baseball game........

BeanSkillet

I'm a little shy of two weeks sober, so I can't report any positive changes yet, but I will say my social life is one of the reasons I wanted to quit, among many others.

My drinking habits made me feel insecure, not confident, and generally shy away from meaningful conversation (I don't consider those drunken "I love you man!" or philosophical ramblings meaningful conversations). Also, all my "friends" are heavy drinkers too, so I really look forward to meeting some sober friends.

I am hopeful that long-term sobriety will result in some social confidence. From what others in recovery have shared with me, there's a pretty good chance I can expect that.

PurpleKnight

My social skills are alright, I see myself as an introverted personality, which i've come to learn isn't a weakness, it's a type, so that meant alcohol created more confidence to the point of eventually being reckless.

Without alcohol I had to learn about myself once again, become comfortable with who I am, in my own skin without any substances, and take life on in my own way.

Time has helped me adjust!!

thomas11

For me it was all about self confidence. Being able to look in the mirror or look someone in the eyes and feel good. Feeling good about what I was seeing in the mirror and feeling confident in speaking to others.

endlesspatience

I don't have arguments with my wife any more about stupid things. Sure, we sometimes disagree about issues and sometimes we both state our views very strongly! On other occassions we tell each other off for saying or doing things we really shouldn't have done. But that's not the same as getting all worked up about totally unimportant stuff.

mcfearless

I was around a bunch of friends today and everyone but me was drinking. I'm trying to put myself more into this kind of situation because to avoid it entirely is just not practical in my culture (South African culture is very boozy).

As the afternoon went on and the conversation turned boozy I just sat back in amazement at how everyone is basically talking over each other and how to the fore and blatant their ulterior motives become. A story is told merely to status signal etc. All so histrionic and hysterical. I'm ok with not being part of that. Once I realized that no one is really paying attention to anyone and working on their own little agenda, you realize there's no need to be anxious. Everyone is locked into their own little world anyway and more concerned with the impression they perceive themselves to be making, than really bothering with your input.

I think I will never again be comfortable around drunk people and I think it just clicked today that I'll really have to make new friends.

Soberwolf

Mine arnt that great today I was served by a guy in a sports shop and he was so kind we joked about being big guys he got me straight away he said this trainer has converted many I tried it but didn't like it so I told him I might not like the shoe but I like you it was strange he went out of his way to help me even tho I turned down every shoe

I think I'm after a pair of windrunners as they are so comfy

I think that was ok although I was made nervous a tad by how kind & helpful he was

melki

Tremendously. Self-respect returned. Looking people in the eyes now. No more shameful wondering if I look saggy or people can smell alcohol on my breath... I can still be a little awkward because my mind races and mouth doesn't always catch up in time, but I am miles away from how I was during the last year of drinking.

Upwardspiral

Not much to report yet at 5 weeks, except I definitely don't feel the shame of knowing I look and smell like a drunk. I do want to say thanks for this thread because I need inspiration to eventually start putting myself out there. Right now I'm mostly avoiding socializing for fear of an upsetting challenge that might stir up my AV, but I know that's no way to build sober muscles.
Thanks for sharing y'all!