How do I get past the betrayal ...
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How do I get past the betrayal ...
I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. Three months ago I found out he was addicted to pain pills. He went through the withdrawal and all the symptoms without professional help and has been doing great. I agreed to stick by him and support him but I can't get past the betrayal. I think about it constantly and always waiting for the other shoe to drop and then to relapse. My distrust and skepticism is tearing us apart He has never lied to me about anything else or been unfaithful. I have no other reason not to trust him. Any advice on how to get through this would be greatly appreciated. He's respectful loving caring and the best man I've ever met. I don't want this to ruin us
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I had a friend who was addicted to opiates the whole time we were acquainted. Tho he said he wasn't doing anything much. I had to cut contact because even though I knew he was using a little he down played it a ton.
since you are in a relationship maybe consider al anon or something like that, its for people with addicts in their life, also there is a Friends and Family of forum here maybe you can get a little advice there?
since you are in a relationship maybe consider al anon or something like that, its for people with addicts in their life, also there is a Friends and Family of forum here maybe you can get a little advice there?
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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I don't know, but from what you posted, that's a pretty minor issue, isn't it? You don't have it in you to put it behind you?
I mean, we all have our problems, and none of us are perfect. However, it sounds as though he was upfront and honest with you about his problem, and he's dealt with it. You have to admit, it takes a real man to be honest about something like that, right?
He hasn't relapsed, lied to you about anything else, cheated on you, and so on, correct? You can't trust him, and give him the chance he deserves, or is there more to the story than you're saying?
I mean, we all have our problems, and none of us are perfect. However, it sounds as though he was upfront and honest with you about his problem, and he's dealt with it. You have to admit, it takes a real man to be honest about something like that, right?
He hasn't relapsed, lied to you about anything else, cheated on you, and so on, correct? You can't trust him, and give him the chance he deserves, or is there more to the story than you're saying?
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Casper, WY
Posts: 287
I can't blame you for feeling betrayed and having trust issues at all. Some may say its minor, but to be hiding things for twenty-odd months strikes me as HUGE. My behavior while I was drinking was deplorable, and I certainly can't blame anyone who is wary about me, even after this stretch of meaningful sobriety and the strides I've made.
It might do you well to go the Friends and Family Section of the forum. As a recovering substance abuser (alcohol in my case), I often have a difficult time understanding the way my actions have affected those around me who have not lived through similar issues. Its much the same for them attempting to understand MY side. Its important that we seek support from those who can understand, empathize, validate when appropriate, and guide when necessary.
I would also encourage you to look into Nar-Anon in your area. Its another avenue of support for those who deal with loved ones afflicted by addiction.
I'll be sending good vibes your way.
It might do you well to go the Friends and Family Section of the forum. As a recovering substance abuser (alcohol in my case), I often have a difficult time understanding the way my actions have affected those around me who have not lived through similar issues. Its much the same for them attempting to understand MY side. Its important that we seek support from those who can understand, empathize, validate when appropriate, and guide when necessary.
I would also encourage you to look into Nar-Anon in your area. Its another avenue of support for those who deal with loved ones afflicted by addiction.
I'll be sending good vibes your way.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: USA
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I have to agree with Austin, gf. I think hiding something this big from you (and all the little and big lies that go into covering up an addiction) is pretty serious. I think your skepticism and distrust are well-warranted.
I really hope that you and your bf are able work through this, but I'd definitely say proceed with caution. I second Sleepie's suggestion to check out the Friends and Family forum.
Best of luck,
Delfin
I really hope that you and your bf are able work through this, but I'd definitely say proceed with caution. I second Sleepie's suggestion to check out the Friends and Family forum.
Best of luck,
Delfin
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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Really? I don't know, we must be reading two different OPs here. She went two years without even noticing the addiction, then he came clean about it, which I'm assuming was a pretty difficult thing for him to do. He's now cleaned up his act, and is on the straight and narrow.
Unless there's something I'm not understanding here...
From what she posted, he's done everything right. If she still can't trust him, then that's a different issue all together. It's either that, or there's more to the story than she's willing to tell.
Unless there's something I'm not understanding here...
From what she posted, he's done everything right. If she still can't trust him, then that's a different issue all together. It's either that, or there's more to the story than she's willing to tell.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
Originally Posted by TroyW 
Really? I don't know, we must be reading two different OPs here. She went two years without even noticing the addiction, then he came clean about it, which I'm assuming was a pretty difficult thing for him to do. He's now cleaned up his act, and is on the straight and narrow.
Unless there's something I'm not understanding here...
From what she posted, he's done everything right. If she still can't trust him, then that's a different issue all together. It's either that, or there's more to the story than she's willing to tell.
Unless there's something I'm not understanding here...
From what she posted, he's done everything right. If she still can't trust him, then that's a different issue all together. It's either that, or there's more to the story than she's willing to tell.
I also think it would be great to seek advice from the friends and family of substance abusers forum. The people there know what you're dealing with and may have been in your shoes at one point. Best of luck.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Casper, WY
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Originally Posted by TroyW
Really? I don't know, we must be reading two different OPs here. She went two years without even noticing the addiction, then he came clean about it, which I'm assuming was a pretty difficult thing for him to do. He's now cleaned up his act, and is on the straight and narrow.
Unless there's something I'm not understanding here...
From what she posted, he's done everything right. If she still can't trust him, then that's a different issue all together. It's either that, or there's more to the story than she's willing to tell.
Unless there's something I'm not understanding here...
From what she posted, he's done everything right. If she still can't trust him, then that's a different issue all together. It's either that, or there's more to the story than she's willing to tell.
What is more indicative of character? Behavior? Or words? In the face of YEARS of poor behavior, going to the very core of the relationship, you expect a person to just "get past it?" You don't see how damaging YEARS of dishonesty would be?
I feel like you're saying "Suck it up, Buttercup," and that him coming clean excuses years of deception, and that he shouldn't have to rebuild the relationship. It completely invalidates the HURT that she has recieved.
Good on him for taking steps to get himself healthy. However, part of recovery is dealing with consequences of past behavior. Asking people to "get past it" strikes me as insanely insensitive and harsh when she did NOTHING to incur this hurt.
Admission of behavior does not equate excuse of the same behavior.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,776
How to get over betrayal?
You stop taking it personally and making it about you and think of it from their point of view.
The fear, the shame .. The whatever that the other person was thinking and feeling.
You have to question who was betrayed? Him by himself or you? Who was/is hurting?
The deeper you sink into 'I was betrayed' hole the harder it is to climb out.
Good luck.
You stop taking it personally and making it about you and think of it from their point of view.
The fear, the shame .. The whatever that the other person was thinking and feeling.
You have to question who was betrayed? Him by himself or you? Who was/is hurting?
The deeper you sink into 'I was betrayed' hole the harder it is to climb out.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,087
Originally Posted by Austin4Wyo
In the face of YEARS of poor behavior, going to the very core of the relationship, you expect a person to just "get past it?"
A relationship is a lot work to sustain, and it doesn't just come naturally. It takes quite a bit of effort from both sides to make it work in the long-term, and at times you need to look past various difficulties. That's just the way it works, and from what she posted, he's putting in the needed effort to making things right. Whether or not she wants to accept that effort at face value is up to her.
I don't know about you, but I'm not perfect, and I have my own faults. At the same time, I'm willing to accept other people's faults as well, especially if they're making the necessary changes to their life to make things right.
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I'm glad there are positives going on. However, invalidating her feelings is not sensitive or healthy. That's my largest issue here. Invalidating anyone's feelings is akin to invalidating them as a person. Three months is hardly an interval for effective healing when looking at the larger picture. Saying "Get past it," seems far more indicative of attempts to get people off someone's back, rather than working through the issue.
I guess the gist of this is that regardless of what HE is doing, she feels her side has not been heard, addressed, and nothing has been solved or reconciled. I'm sure that the boyfriend is remorseful and contrite. However, there is a big difference between feeling sorrow for one's actions and making right the toll taken on the lives of others.
One constant in my struggles with depression, grief, and alcoholism/alcohol-dependency is that "getting past it" is a huge misnomer. You need to work THROUGH things, not simply "get over them." This stance took me a long time to learn, but looking back on the myriad of programs and mental health professionals that have attempted to get me to deal with my stuff, rather than just "get over it/past it," which is actually ignoring and internalization, I have to think there's some validity. It applies to both myself and to those I've hurt, and also to how I deal with being hurt.
It's not just about me feeling sorrow and being contrite. In my active addiction, I was plenty sorry a lot. But until I started understanding the actual effects of my behavior, I wasn't acknowledging how much effect my selfishness hurt others and caused damage in their lives.
Sorrow is about how I feel about what I've done. Reconciliation is about how others feel, and what I can do to make it right.
Ignoring how she feels will only lead to problems down the road. I'm not asking anyone to place more blame, or to ignore the good things that have been done. I'm simply stating that proper perspective and care be given to acknowledging, understanding, and working through the emotional response be the priority, rather than internalizing. Time, honesty, energy, and understanding are needed, because trust broken by one person can affect the ENTIRETY of how someone interacts with others.
I really, really hope this works out for them, but until the emotional impact of two years of deception is dealt with (and again, TWO YEARS! What were we all doing two years ago?), I feel its just living in the hurt, hoping it will go away, without taking time to do the work that goes into healing the emotional wound. It starts with validating how she feels, rather than asking her to ignore it.
Either way, I think that both parties would benefit from some help navigating the situation. There's plenty of options, so I hope things work out. Best vibes for both.
I guess the gist of this is that regardless of what HE is doing, she feels her side has not been heard, addressed, and nothing has been solved or reconciled. I'm sure that the boyfriend is remorseful and contrite. However, there is a big difference between feeling sorrow for one's actions and making right the toll taken on the lives of others.
One constant in my struggles with depression, grief, and alcoholism/alcohol-dependency is that "getting past it" is a huge misnomer. You need to work THROUGH things, not simply "get over them." This stance took me a long time to learn, but looking back on the myriad of programs and mental health professionals that have attempted to get me to deal with my stuff, rather than just "get over it/past it," which is actually ignoring and internalization, I have to think there's some validity. It applies to both myself and to those I've hurt, and also to how I deal with being hurt.
It's not just about me feeling sorrow and being contrite. In my active addiction, I was plenty sorry a lot. But until I started understanding the actual effects of my behavior, I wasn't acknowledging how much effect my selfishness hurt others and caused damage in their lives.
Sorrow is about how I feel about what I've done. Reconciliation is about how others feel, and what I can do to make it right.
Ignoring how she feels will only lead to problems down the road. I'm not asking anyone to place more blame, or to ignore the good things that have been done. I'm simply stating that proper perspective and care be given to acknowledging, understanding, and working through the emotional response be the priority, rather than internalizing. Time, honesty, energy, and understanding are needed, because trust broken by one person can affect the ENTIRETY of how someone interacts with others.
I really, really hope this works out for them, but until the emotional impact of two years of deception is dealt with (and again, TWO YEARS! What were we all doing two years ago?), I feel its just living in the hurt, hoping it will go away, without taking time to do the work that goes into healing the emotional wound. It starts with validating how she feels, rather than asking her to ignore it.
Either way, I think that both parties would benefit from some help navigating the situation. There's plenty of options, so I hope things work out. Best vibes for both.
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Hi and welcome Gfofaddict4 
The important thing is you think it's a problem, and I hope others responding will respect that.
Fwiw, I agree it's a problem too.
For many years I was a secret drinker and toker - I justified the secrecy and the lies by saying it was my business, or I was trying to protect my partner by not being stressed, having arguments and conflict (!)
The truth was I was keeping a part of my life (a steadily growing part) from those I loved.
I hurt my partner deeply.
I was so stupid I did it twice in successive relationships.
It took me a long time to really see what I'd done and why it was so bad - and it took longer still for others to see the change in me and trust me again.
One partner never wants to talk to me again...but the other partner and I, altho not together, really worked at it and she forgave me in time.
I think she's glad she did lol...
If your partner has changed, really changed, you'll know it, you'll feel it.
But in the end it's got to be your decision and your timetable about forgiveness and trust.
If this is really a sticking point for you have you considered counselling, either on your own or as a couple?
D
The important thing is you think it's a problem, and I hope others responding will respect that.
Fwiw, I agree it's a problem too.
For many years I was a secret drinker and toker - I justified the secrecy and the lies by saying it was my business, or I was trying to protect my partner by not being stressed, having arguments and conflict (!)
The truth was I was keeping a part of my life (a steadily growing part) from those I loved.
I hurt my partner deeply.
I was so stupid I did it twice in successive relationships.
It took me a long time to really see what I'd done and why it was so bad - and it took longer still for others to see the change in me and trust me again.
One partner never wants to talk to me again...but the other partner and I, altho not together, really worked at it and she forgave me in time.
I think she's glad she did lol...
If your partner has changed, really changed, you'll know it, you'll feel it.
But in the end it's got to be your decision and your timetable about forgiveness and trust.
If this is really a sticking point for you have you considered counselling, either on your own or as a couple?
D
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Northern Vt.
Posts: 1,554
I understand where your coming from gfof , The trust is gone , makes sense to me . My X wanted to quit smoking cig's .. I know it's not nothing compared to drugs . It's the betrayal , so to make it easier for him I quit too.
After 6 months & me gaining 10 pounds
With little hints of smelling smoke on him & our car. I would confront him he would always have a explanation . He was around someone smoking or someone rode with him ext.
I couldn't find any cigs in the house . One day he came in from work , I said " I need to run to the store - let me have the keys to the car " He gave me the strangest look & said I'll go . Anyways I grabbed the keys & drove down the road a stopped . Didn't look far under the seat half a pack of our reg . brand & lighter .
I confronted him , he didn't deny , & said he only lasted 2 weeks !! The trust was gone completely . I never believed anything he said after that.
I struggled with my thoughts for 2 years , found other things he wasn't truthful about . I ended up leaving him .
I didn't think of counseling , but if your Bf is worth it - I would at least see if it helps . Good luck in all that you do
After 6 months & me gaining 10 pounds
With little hints of smelling smoke on him & our car. I would confront him he would always have a explanation . He was around someone smoking or someone rode with him ext.
I couldn't find any cigs in the house . One day he came in from work , I said " I need to run to the store - let me have the keys to the car " He gave me the strangest look & said I'll go . Anyways I grabbed the keys & drove down the road a stopped . Didn't look far under the seat half a pack of our reg . brand & lighter .
I confronted him , he didn't deny , & said he only lasted 2 weeks !! The trust was gone completely . I never believed anything he said after that.
I struggled with my thoughts for 2 years , found other things he wasn't truthful about . I ended up leaving him .
I didn't think of counseling , but if your Bf is worth it - I would at least see if it helps . Good luck in all that you do
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Originally Posted by Gfofaddict4
I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. Three months ago I found out he was addicted to pain pills. He went through the withdrawal and all the symptoms without professional help and has been doing great. I agreed to stick by him and support him but I can't get past the betrayal. I think about it constantly and always waiting for the other shoe to drop and then to relapse. My distrust and skepticism is tearing us apart He has never lied to me about anything else or been unfaithful. I have no other reason not to trust him. Any advice on how to get through this would be greatly appreciated. He's respectful loving caring and the best man I've ever met. I don't want this to ruin us
I'm glad you partner has gone through recovery and is doing well. I recently lost a serious relationship for many reasons....but the main one was my addiction. His confusion, anger, sadness and complete lack of trust overwhelmed me. Even though there was one event in two years, it was big. As the addict I of course want him to forgive me but can understand why he couldn't. I ended it with him because I wouldn't tolerate living under his microscope. That being said, I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to understand addiction and what it can lead people to do. But if you love him and want to stay with him forgive him you must, somehow. Resentment and lack of trust will poison your relationship. I think it's similar to infidelity in a way. If the betrayed partner can't move forward the relationship dies a slow death. The how? I'm not completely sure. Is your partner completely owning what happened and is willing to do anything reasonable to regain your trust? Are you accepting that there is really nothing you can do to change him, or undue the past? Do you accept that he is an addict and always will be, even if he is in recovery? Have you set healthy boundaries for yourself that you are ready to defend if they are crossed? Maybe something like Al-anon might help? If nothing else you can get input from those that have walked in your shoes. It's hard for me to accept this but I'm not sure I'd want to be with someone like me if I were a normal person.
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It's the voice of your ego, telling you stories. I struggle with the same thing since I found out my partner deceived me over something. She did it out of fear and shame, so I understand it, but it's still hard to let it go. Praying and forgiveness helps.
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