thomas11

I'm pretty sure many of us knew it was on the horizon, I can no longer claim to be in sobriety. I drank yesterday afternoon/evening and that was that. It happened. Can I analyze it to death, sure. I'm not going to. I've been here long enough to know that people have slipped or relapsed many many times before it stuck. Add me to the list. I have no plans on returning to my old habits, but for anyone who has followed my posts, I have a rigid (and twisted) reward based system in my life. And when I feel I have worked hard enough, I feel I deserve this reward called alcohol, and we all know its not a reward. But I indulged, I had 3 pretty good ones, enjoyed a lame pre-season football game, ate some delicious food and went to bed. At the time, that feeling and space of time felt like winning the lottery. It was wonderful. If you want to bash me, go ahead, but I can assure you it will not be helpful. Like many on this site, I have A LOT going on my life right now, but I am thankful for a few things. Among them are my SR friends, and my marriage. We are kindred spirits. We are not materialistic people. We enjoy life's experiences more than any shiny new car or brand new house. We enjoy going to work everyday (which I have not been able to do), we enjoy feeding the birds, and our time with our dog, and our family. That's it. Its very simple. I got drunkish. I have been a drunk, I do not wish to return to being a drunk, but I am acutely aware (from this site) that is has and can happen.

ps. we are not hippies either, we just are simple people.

Aellyce

Hi Jeff,

Your description and pattern sounds very similar to how I used alcohol in the past, at least in the more initial years of my habit: to reward myself mostly and to relax. My question for you would be this: how do you envision going forward from now? What are your aims with this whole drinking issue that you started to address a few months ago? I'm asking out of curiosity mostly, no intention to give advice or judge in any form.

Alynn

No bashing here... I've there myself. Glad you came back, posted, and not planning on continuing. That says a lot, I think. We just have to keep moving forward.

courage2

Not going to bash you, Jeff.

In my experience, that reward system took over all my decisions. I couldn't sit down at my desk without the reward of a drink. I couldn't look at a page. I couldn't go to my office in the morning and I couldn't go home at night. I remember when I was withdrawing and I wouldn't put a letter in the mailbox because I thought I couldn't do it without a drink to get me through.

And when I relapsed, I felt like I had a reason to live again. For about 1 night. And then it destroyed me, again.

Soberwolf

Good on you for no plans going back what's your plan going forward Jeff ?

Reach out & say next time it will really help

TroyW

No judgement here, because I know full well I'd be a total hypocritical a'hole to judge anyone about anything.

However, I just really hope you remember where this rabbit hole leads to, and sincerely hope you don't decide to go down that path. All the best to you Jeff. Take care of yourself, ok? I mean that. Take care of yourself.

ScottFromWI

No one here to "bash" you. I would suggest re-reading your post though - it does come across as though you are really trying to minimize the drinking as either inevitable or inconsequential, which it is not. That may not be how you intended it to sound, but the proof is in the pudding as they say, right?

The real question is what do you think you can do differently to somehow change this "reward" system you still have? To me it sounds a lot like plain old addiction. Look at what you've accomplished in the last few months and what you stand to lose by returning to drinking. We're here for you, always will be - but you have to do your part too.

Greenwood618

What is there to analyze? You love to drink, it is plainly obvious from most all of your posts.

Fly N Buy

Well Thomas, I too am a non-hippie, non-materialistic/minimalistic dog lover who also owns small businesses.

One question ;

Are you drinking or do you intend to drink today??

If no, we also have that in common, friend and are both winners.

AnvilheadII

you sound awfully PROUD of yourself in that post....you said it felt like winning the lottery. this will not be your last drink.....it is just the first three of MANY more to come because the love affair is ON. what was that....two weeks after the braces came off?

Dee74

I'm sorry to read this Jeff....not only the details but the glee that goes with it.
I'm not giving up on you, but I really wonder what it's going to take for you to accept the need for change?

D

doggonecarl

--deleted post--

suki44883

As long as you look at alcohol as a reward (even though you say you know it isn't), this is apt to happen. The scariest thing about alcoholism is its patience. We can go through hell to get through what alcohol has done to us, but after a while, we can also get complacent. We definitely do tend to forget how horrendous that hell was. We feel like we have come far enough that we know the pitfalls and think we know how to avoid them.

The thing is...alcoholism is very cunning, baffling and powerful. It will wait us out, even for years, and the AV will whisper in our ear that we have this thing figured out. A couple of drinks during the game won't hurt. We can go back to abstaining tomorrow...until the next time.

I'm really not bashing you, I'm just telling you what I learned from years of trying to moderate, or drink a few here and there. It never works. It just never does, Jeff.

watersfine

Dont beat yourself up about it, you drank, not really that much, but you drank. And now youre back here. I think you want to quit and be sober, but I think you also like to drink. In think we are alot alike, im actually not drinking tonight but I drank last weekend, after two weeks sober.

I too llove football, in my college days, saturdays were an all out, all day long bash, soo much fun, lol. If my team won I was celebrating, if they lost I was drowning my sorrows . And football season is coming up.. I dont know what Im gonna do, I really am afraid Ill probably drink, Like you I drink to relax and enjoy stuff, but why I am I here then, and why do I come back here?
There must be some part of us that doesnt want to drink is all I can think of Hang in there though buddy, youre not alone

Saskia

Been there too many times to count. The effect of alcohol on those tiny opioid receptors in the brain doesn't go back to normal. Normies don't get the buzz that we do. I was sober for 13 years and during the last few I had one drink per year - and based on the effort it took for me to keep it to a single glass - I would now say that the AV was gleefully rubbing it's beastly little claws in anticipation of a win. That was followed by 3 years of steadily increasing drinking.

Jeff, I sincerely hope you can avoid what I went through.

MIRecovery

I searched 20 years looking for how to be an alcoholic without the consequences. I never found a way to make it work.

When I finally admitted to myself that I never would be a successful drinker I started down the road of recovery

Marcher13

I'm very sorry to hear this Jeff. I'm not going to sugar-coat it nor am I going to bash you, if your reward system is alcohol then maintaining sobriety is going to be very difficult.

And I don't buy that you have a lot going on in your life right now. Most of us do.

I don't want to see you go under Jeff and that's the path you're on now, no matter how you say it.

silentrun

The tone of your post seems off. It as if it's not that big of a deal to slip because many people do. Was that a trick the AV used on you to get you to drink? You really should think about where you went wrong so you can keep from falling for that one again. Last night was Thursday. What's the deal with that seeing how you were a weekend warrior? Did you somewhere give yourself permission to drink a few on Sunday and the AV said "why wait?"

Anna

Jeff, I'm glad you're back. That's the important thing. You can do this!

GhostFace

I slipped up alot been extremely mad at myself. What i have learned is that im not rewarding myself but going back down in a dangerous cycle. It would be OK if i only had one drink but, one drink turn to 5 - 20 drinks.