thomas11

I haven't thought about it much really, and when I have thought about it, the experience was very vanilla. I liked to drink because I felt like I was more engaged in things, relaxed and "free". I didn't get that. I hate to admit this, but when I joined this site I was only drinking on the weekends, but I was drinking heavily. I was hiding liquor and would pour some into my cans of diet coke mid morning to take the edge off, then start drinking openly early in the afternoon. Take a nap in the late afternoon and then drink again until late (late for me was about 10PM. Next day I would feel like crap, pour some booze in my can to feel better, then repeat the cycle. Sundays were miserable, but I did not drink, I knew I had to be in good enough shape to work Monday. I went through the week just fine, then repeated the whole process over starting on Thursday night. Looking back on it, it was horrible, and reprehensible. I knew my drinking habit was not normal, but didn't think for a second that I was an alcoholic because I "quit" every single week.

Saskia

Jeff, we had someone like you in my IOP group. From what they said, it really is sort of a subtype of alcoholic. Definition matters less, though than attitude. You sound stronger?

thomas11

I don't know if I'm stronger, but I did something that has been recommended on this site a million times. I gave sobriety a chance. And I liked it.

Venecia

It sounded like you thought you can drink.

If I misinterpreted that, I apologize.

I'm glad you like sobriety. Stick with it. You'll get to liking it even more.

Dee74

I had to read that post a few times too - but I dismissed it because it's so at odds with other things we've discussed recently, Jeff

D

zjw

I bet your av is taunting you good? Like you fed the beast? I have not relapsed I just hear when one does the obsession is back ON and the av starts conspiring on how to get that next drop. Scary stuff. When one friend of mine relapsed I or my av asked him with great anticipation how was it? I was told it's not worth it don't get any ideas and they told me how bad it was this really squashed me av.

I hope you don't pickup again but I realize it happens just gotta get back on the wagon

courage2

You're still making me nervous, Jeff. I don't know you as well as Dee but "vanilla" sounds not serious to me. And not serious sounds like harmless, and harmless sounds like if harmless once, then why not again?

In my experience, the tricks of the alcoholic mind are stunning. But not all cases are alike. Have you told anyone face-to-face about this little episode?

silentrun

I got a vibe from that post that you thought of it as no big deal or it was somehow inevitable because so many struggle. That may not be were you are coming from.

I drank at 90 days. It was a disaster as my stomach couldn't handle it and I got really sick physically. My brain was crying out for more and I ended up dumping the pint of Jamison about 1/3 of the way in. I was POed and had every intention of getting drunk. I learned my lesson. My attitude was more of "that was so stupid." I didn't think much more of it after that. I had drifted away from this community and didn't even realize it was some sort of slip or that I needed to reset my sobriety date.

It is entirely possible that you use that experience and a lesson and move forward stronger. I just didn't see that come through in your post. That's not to say that you haven't learned from this.

thomas11

I read some threads today about people struggling and quite I feel really bad for those people. I think most of us can relate and many of us have probably been there. I posted because I wanted let people know (including myself) that while I drank that one day, it didn't bring out the beast, it was no magical experience. There have been times when being sober has been a bit boring, but I'll take boredom over hangover/withdrawal 10 out of 10 times. Reading posts/threads from people who are in deep right now is a powerful reminder that things can go south very fast. I do not view those 90 days as a total loss because I drank one day. Quite the opposite, it was an eye opener, a positive experience. Something to build from.

thomas11

Actually it wasn't zjw and that's what I was pleased with, and why I posted. I'm pretty familiar with that feeling of having a night of drinking and the next day having all my thoughts consumed with the thought of getting home from work and tying one on all over again. I need to stay vigilante because I know if I get complacent or lazy towards alcohol I would likely go back to the bad habits.

thomas11

Courage, just my wife and you guys. I know from the long term sober people on this site that having a casual attitude towards alcohol is a bad idea.

courage2

What does your wife say?

I probably sound like I'm prying. I've been reading your posts for a long time, and honestly I can't get an image of you. So I ask questions., to try to understand. You don't have to answer of course.

zjw

Yeah makes me wonder sometimes I don't think I'd even like the taste at this point but I don't wanna find out. For example I inadvertently had a taste of a fruit smoothie that had dairy in it being vegan for years now and tasting again I was so repulsed at what dairy tastes like I gagged it wAs awful to me. Some times I wonder if I'd feel the same with booze but I don't wanna test the waters. Early on in sobriety my wife made a dish that had white wine in the sauce I used to love that dish I took one bite that evening and told her not to make it again it tasted terrible because of the wine in the sauce.

Maybe I'm cured? I dunno don't wanna find out.

thomas11

I'm much harder on myself than she is. She stuck with me at my worst (god bless her). When I was at my worst she had finally had enough and got tough with me, she had to. Now, she just tells me that I'm doing good and she wants to see me continue being good. For whatever reason I do a lot better with that kind of approach because I like making her happy, and if me not drinking keeps us both happy, I'm motivated to keep that going. I get resentful towards people who yell at me or reprimand me for every little thing. I know that probably makes me look like a spoiled brat. I believe the reason I don't respond well to being yelled at is because my mother raised us that way. Its the only way she knew how to communicate. ALWAYS scolding and yelling. She still does to this day, it drives me nuts. I try and tell her you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, she doesn't understand that. Anyway, I don't know if that answered your question, but bottom line is my wife didn't flip out.

Saskia

Jeff, your situation may well be different from mine --- I, too, had an awful time dealing with what to me felt like critical comments here. I'm an extremely strong rebel. The more I felt comments were critical, the more I rebelled. It took me several years to get back to being reliably sober.

Now I'm over a year sober and my perspective has changed a little. I now wonder if my inner rebel was perhaps allied with the AV? Or being that little rebel (the childish part of me) may have made it easier to give in to my urges?

I've noticed over time that everyone here means well but to me it does feel like sometimes folks are "piling on". I don't for a minute believe they mean it that way! When I read a post from someone who has slipped, my heart sinks. I truly empathize. However, anything I write in response can be taken negatively. So many people respond simply because they do care so much and want each of us to succeed.

It's one of the challenges of this form of communication. So, I think it helps to focus on the chorus of support in a tough time rather than what we perceive to be the message!

sg1970

I have to admit my little AV chirped that perhaps if Jeff can have a few and the obsession didn't return then perhaps I could. I have a friend who is trying some controlled drinking right now and talked about how easy it was. He didn't sound believable. He sounded like he was trying to convince himself if that makes sense. But my AV chirped the same thing when he was talking about it.

Thank God I stand pretty firm that if I had a couple I would be back on the crazy train shortly. It might take a month or two but I would get there. I figure I will watch ya'll experiment and live vicariously through you. I don't want to go back.

ArtFriend

Communicating via this medium is tricky. I know that I have had some issues with it in the past. 90% of communication is non-verbal, and since we cannot "see" each other, there is a lot of room for miscommunication. I have found that being short and to the point works best for me. The longer the post, the more easily it can be misinterpreted.

sobriiestote

You say now that " it was no magical experience " but in the beginning post you said it felt like winning the lottery...

I know for me it fills a hole so completely that I think I'm going to ache without it....

We had a meal out last night and I saw a waiter clear a whole glass of rose wine left on the table, I can't believe someone would leave a whole glass of wine! There would have to be some pretty big emergency for me to leave a drink undrunk... In fact if we are ever in a hurry to leave I just down it, even if it is a large Shiraz! Nice...

I don't think I'll ever be able to have a normal relationship with alcohol again.

dwtbd

Yeah I was going to chime in, not pile on, just chime in. That lottery winning, wonderful, euphoric feeling from a few 'good ones' is a huge red flag. Complacency , I think, comes from down playing that feeling a few days weeks months later, especially if that feeling is enough to draw you back. That euphoric feeling is the gateway to the wtf's , inhibitions melt away , control goes by the wayside and a bender begins.
I dont think Ive really ever experienced drinking without the euphoria, tried for years to keep it in check. I had enough of trying and what comes with it, so Ive given it up for good, I know what I'm missing , but it aint worth it , the idea that somehow on some level it is , is the lie that leads to addiction and that euphoria is The flag that lets me know I'm a prime candidate.