Kaiflyguy

Glad you are back. I too fell on Friday and Saturday. Boy did I feel like hell on Sunday. It is not worth it for such a short thrill.

letitgo

Jeff, I agree that signs were there. I admire your honestly about the whole situation. You could have not said a word and noone would know. But you have the brazen to address things head on which I respect you for.

johnt99

"Rewarding" myself has been my downfall almost every time in the past. I'm not saying it's going to be yours, it actually sounds like you handled the alcohol somewhat responsibly (3 beers with food then quit). However three can so easily become four, and then six, and then twelve...

It's too early in my sobriety to determine what I can use next time to reward myself because right now there's nothing in the world that could compete with alcohol, and if I couldn't drink to excess then what's the use anyway.

Ultimately though, one of my keys to maintaining sobriety I think is going to come down to finding an alternative reward system.

Venecia

Jeff, I hope you'll choose to make those drinks your final ones.

jaynie04

thomas, what changed me was understanding that none of our lives stand still. I knew that as long as alcohol was in the picture I was playing with fire.

It came down to this: either I was going to call the shots and run my life or concede that the progressive nature of alcoholism now put everything I held dear in a precarious position.

I remember when I was drinking going out at night with butterflies in my stomach. I remember hoping that it would be a good night, no falls, no mishaps, no shameful situations. But I had come to accept the inevitability that once I started drinking something else was in charge.

There are nights now when I still get those old butterflies when leaving the house, but then I realize, oh yeah, I no longer drink, I will be intact all night.

Every day I spent drinking was one more day I was forfeiting to learning how to live a sober life. It is not only dangerous, it is wasting time. I didn't want to spend any more time driving the wrong way down a freeway knowing I was going the wrong way.

You sound like you have a lot to lose. Getting sober means that no matter what happens, you won't lose something dear because of your drinking. Otherwise you are gambling it all.

strategery

I'm very sad to hear you picked up after what you've been through. I won't berate you either, but will share something I've learned: it was always a matter of time before I started going from drunk-ish to drunk.

Fluffer

Just out of curiosity, where did the three drinks come from? Does your wife keep alcohol in the house? Or was there a period of planning and preparation on your part?

thomas11

many responses to my OP about plans, so I will do my best. I think for many of us that have had problems with alcohol, the center of the circle, if you will, is the alcohol. All else revolves around that. During my short stint of sobriety, I have come to realize that alcohol being at the center of the circle is not normal, not productive and not helpful in any way. Alcohol for someone like myself should not have a place in that circle, and for those who can have it in their circle, it belongs on the fringe. So many other things in life that are more important and rewarding than the "buzz". Thank you for asking soberwolf, and maybe that will answer some of the posts regarding my plan. I will be responding to other posts following this one.

PurpleKnight

Glad you're back and posting Jeff!!

thomas11

You are right Dee about the glee that goes with it. That needs to get eliminated quickly. Because we all know that glee turns to despair pretty rapidly if we let it. Right?

thomas11

Hi letitgo, I appreciate your response. Let's face it, the world is full of liars, and one of the big ones is our AV. It lies constantly. In the end, this is a website/alcohol recovery forum. I/we could lie to ourselves all day and all night about our issues, we could sugarcoat problems etc....I choose to use this site as an anchor regarding my alcohol use/abuse. It does me no good to come here and spew lies to make myself feel good. So I will take the good responses along with the ones that are a little more direct. And to go a level deeper, yes folks, I am a user. Meaning I use all of you to help me. But in return, you can use me all you want if I can help any one in any way. Will I delete my account and go hide in the corner because I drank? No. I am kind of an open book. I can handle the arrows being shot across the bow. I've been through worse.

thomas11

Fluffer, it was of my own doing. I have no one to blame, except myself.

Dee74

I thought that too, for many years - but actually the centre of the circle - the axle of evil if you will - is alcoholism Jeff.

It kinda winded me when I realised that.

Drinking is a symptom of the problem.

D

wehav2day

best. I think for many of us that have had problems with alcohol, the center of the circle, if you will, is the alcohol. All else revolves around that. During my short stint of sobriety, I have come to realize that alcohol being at the center of the circle is not normal, not productive and not helpful in any way. Alcohol for someone like myself should not have a place in that circle, and for those who can have it in their circle, it belongs on the fringe. So many other things in life that are more important and rewarding than the "buzz".

Jeff, to me that looks like a goal. Goals are admirable, but it takes a plan to reach a goal.

Looks like folks are asking what are you going to DO to get alcohol out of your circle?

SR is great. SR has helped me immeasurably. But SR didn't get me sober, I needed more than that. I had to get face to face support. By all means stay here, I like you! But is it time to add something else in "real life" to the mix?

ArtFriend

Hey Jeff - I had a relapse too. Gotta put it behind you and move onward thru the fog!! Just as a side note - it took me about 10 times or more before I was able to quit smoking. But, I stuck with it and finally quit for good. Someone told me back when I was trying to quit and kept relapsing that each time I failed, I was that much closer to the goal of quitting. That analogy helped.

thomas11

I know I can quit drinking, I just proved it to myself for 3 months. And you know what happened to me? Nothing. It was great. There were no "consequences". Go figure, right?

courage2

I'm sorry, Jeff. Are you serious? I expect you are, which makes me sad for your sake. Probably everyone on this site has said "I know I can quit drinking. I just proved it to myself for XX amount of time." That's a pause. Not a quit. Often it's a pause on the runway before takeoff.

I hope that's not true for you.

Venecia

Jeff, you and I are friends here on SR. Because I consider you a friend, and out of concern for my friend, I'm going to pose the following question:

ARE YOU EFFING NUTS?

Jeff, like me, you're an alcoholic. When alcoholics drink, trouble follows. Period.

C'mon, buddy. Think.

thomas11

Sorry guys, I posted that comment as a positive thought. Yes, I slipped that one day and posted about it, but felt really good about the fact that I had no desire to drink again the next day or try and moderate etc... I went right back to where I started, which was no drinking. And I'm going to keep it that way.

Just out of curiosity, did my post come across like I plan on drinking again? Or that I could moderate?

courage2

Yes. maybe not plan, but yes.

Just out of curiosity, since that day you drank, how often have you thought about that experience?