Lola23

Hi All

I haven't been posting too much, but I've been around. I've been doing well, but lately...I dunno. I'm around day 88 today. AA has been helping a lot.

At the same time, just an hour ago I was at the grocery store and was seriously considering saying "whatever" and grabbing a couple of bottles of wine. I could see myself doing it, and had to hustle out of the store and straight home. I don't know. Just the craving and mentality hit me really badly.

I was travelling Monday until late yesterday and I don't know how I even made it through the airports and evenings. It was seriously one hour at a time. I thought by now it would be easier....that I would accept that I don't drink and it would be a non-issue. But its not.

I remember reading on here a while ago about people relapsing after getting through something particularly stressful. Maybe that's what is happening here. I got through the travel ok...didn't drink even when I was walking past the countless bars and watching people drink (I had a connection in Las Vegas for pete's sake!!) And now I just feel tired and like I can't fight it anymore.

I even have a training session with a personal trainer tomorrow at 10am, which I cancelled while standing there at the grocery store. I cancelled thinking I would just get drunk today and I don't want to have to worry about working out tomorrow. But somehow I came to my senses and left the store. But part of me wonders how long that can go on. Ugh, I don't know. I'm trying to do everything I've been taught but wanted to reach out here as well in case anyone has any wise words.

Thanks

Ruby2

Hi Lola, I'm glad you didn't drink. It stinks, doesn't it? The gnawing feeling of wanting. I just got back from vacation and there were times I wanted to just drink at night. I'm on vacation! I'm kinda bored at night. My whole routine is off. It was uncomfortable and I hate being uncomfortable. I powered through, just by knowing why I felt that way.

You're still early at 88 days. I was all topsy turvy still at that time. Don't give in. Coming here and posting is good. Do you have numbers to call for face to face support? For me what worked was redoubling my efforts when I least felt like it.

Way to not give in.

RDBplus3

Congrats Lola
From my past experience, struggling thru the gut-wrenching, screaming-bloody-murder fog of early recovery, The ONLY thing that will bring about the MIRACLE of getting FREE is DOING THE WORK.

The 'Balance Scales' are totally tipped by the 'Weight' of the Addiction. I needed to do the WORK - the prayers, the readings, the meditations, the personal inventories, the meetings, the prayers, the meditations, listening to the Recovery messages, the readings, the meetings, the readings, the prayers, the meditations, listening to the Recovery messages, the inventories ... until they were coming out my eyes, ears, nose and A$$#0LE ... and the WEIGHT of the WORK tipped the balance FROM the B/S running my mind, body and soul, TO the NEW Reality of a Transformed Life.

RDBplus3 ... The ONLY thing that worked was for me to STOP the B/S and DO THE WORK until the MIRACLE happened.

ccam1973

Lola, good job on being stronger than your craving. Although the number and intensity of the cravings lessen with time, they still pop up.

I'm at day 410 today and have really had to dig deep the past couple of weeks fighting the cravings.

My mind keeps wandering back to that misnomer that I will feel euphoria if I just have a few drinks today... then I have to play it forward. I have to remember just what the first drink will bring me back to. In an instant, I would be back to a wasted life, playing with death, back to being so pathetically consumed with drinking that I neglect everything that I love.

Keep playing it forward Lola. Always remember why you are choosing to be sober.

Stay strong, we are here for each other!

Anna

Hi Lola,

Congratulations on 88 days.

I'm one of those people who got through a lovely, outdoor neighborhood party without drinking, but went out the next morning to buy alcohol. It was a clear message to me that I wasn't ready to be around alcohol. However, you can't avoid airports and grocery stores.

I wonder what other changes you've made in your life besides stopping drinking? Could you think of something that you could add to your recovery program that would help you?

Lola23

Thanks everyone

Ruby - I do have numbers but I honestly feel like I "used up" all my lifelines over the last week. I really had a tough time travelling and getting through the evening work dinners. So I was texting with a couple of ladies from the program. I feel like they're probably annoyed and don't want to hear from me.

Anna - I'm in AA, so I've been going to meetings, I'm working on the first step with my sponsor. I read the big book from time to time and come here. I don't know what else to add. I haven't made big changes in my life besides not drinking except for adding regular exercise to my life, eating better and getting more sleep. I honestly don't know what else I can change.

I really am weeping now. I just don't know why I feel so bad. Why is this so hard?!

bexxed

You did really, really good getting out of that store. What about rescheduling the personal training?

Lola23

Thanks bexxed. I did. I feel so weird, going back and forth within an hour. But I'm sticking close to SR right now.

PennyLane76

Lola, It seems I have read a lot here with 90 days being a tough time, not anywhere.close to that so dont know, but I am sure more veterans will be along that struggled through 90 days and made it through. Hang in there!

bexxed

I bet people do it a lot, honestly. Personal training is intense and people probably frequently think they can't do it for one reason or another and then reschedule.

What has it been like, having personal training? Is it helpful?

Yeah, stick nearby.

Traveling can be really stressful. I was just talking about that last night. I used to travel across the country and back at least every other week for my job, for a sustained three years. It does such a number on you! When it was happening I got really used to it, and kind of poo-pooed people who got stressed about traveling. But that was me being arrogant, I can see now. Getting in and out of airports, on and off of planes, in and out of time zones, breathing recycled air, changes in air pressure, people rushing around you..... it's stressful! You can get used to it, but that doesn't change that it's stressful. You did good getting through, and then fighting off the aftershocks of that grocery store. Keep it up!

Lola23

The personal training has been awesome to be honest. Expensive for sure. But I actually see a difference and so its motivating. I used to be a bit of a gym rat but when my drinking really took off, I stopped working out all together and was having a tough time getting back into it. The personal training keeps me accountable.

Yea, it was a trip to Los Angeles from the east coast. And I was so agitated almost from the very beginning. I do quite a bit of travelling for work, and since I've stopped drinking, its been harder. But this last time was the worst. I just really had it with people in my personal space, talking loudly, I couldn't relax the entire time. Every single thing was putting me on edge. We were a bit delayed and so when we landed the flight attendants made an annoucement that if it was our final destination, to please stay seated so people who had connections could deplane first. Uh...NOPE. No way I was sitting there. I was like...uh, not my problem, I need OFF this plane and home. And the thing is, that's really not my personality. But I just had to get off. As I was leaving, the attendant tried to ask me "do you have a connection" and I just rudely walked past like I didn't hear her. I feel bad for being rude, but it was almost 10pm, I had been travelling since 8:30 that morning, and I had had enough. Ugh. All of it. I had just had enough. Maybe I'm feeling aftershocks from that or something. I dunno.

Soberwolf

Congrats Lola

bexxed

That sounds awful. You did so good. Keep going.

Bird615

My heart went out to you as I read that last sentence. "If you only knew", I thought.

The way I stay sober in AA is by carrying the message, and it might help you to know that you are helping those ladies as much, if not more than they are helping you. We have to give it away to keep it, so you can lean on the members of your group.

Keep doing the work and it will get better. Those promises do come true. Until then, hang on.

Dee74

I agree with Joanne Lola.

Our inner addict would love us to think that were not worth others time and effort, or that we've used up our goodwill...but it's simply not true

None would would give out a number if they didn't want you to call

I hope you will