Foolsgold186

I was having a conversation with a friend today over nursery placements for my son when I eventually have to go back to work - boo. She said I should use my "long term illness" in getting a space easier. I literally felt like I'd been slapped in the face. Me and my partner both work hard and I'd never use my alcoholism as a means especially where my son is concerned. I feel like I'm working more on myself since my relapse (1 night at a wedding) and comments like this just throw me. It really made me feel worthless.

I really wish now I'd not been so honest. Even to close friends I'll always be the alkie. I cried to my boyfriend about this. I just wish things were different.

Bubovski

Never mind! some people just come out with insensitive remarks while not thinking. Don't let such things trigger as relapse!

ScottFromWI

It's merely words. You know the truth and frankly, people just don't understand addiction, Being honest is never a bad thing in my book.

notgonnastoptry

I know my situation and those around me very well. I specifically asked my partner not to bring close relatives into this. He comes from a family where everything is in the open. Once I knew I would be fine (very early in ICU), I asked him not to tell anyone. He usually respects what I say, but he felt like people needed to know. I knew it was a big mistake then, and I know it's a big mistake now. Those people (close relatives) are holding it against me, making barbed, immature remarks and a whole bunch of other nonsense. I am not about lying and deceit, but really, he didn't need to run around and tell people. Certainly, he was not gossiping or publicizing it, but he just felt a certain selection of people needed to know.

I regret his honesty. it has made things MUCH WORSE as I knew it would. AS I'VE SAID, I WAS good at hiding things. Nothing to be proud of, but no one knows the extent. They still don't but they know a mess of details (more is coming out) that are none of their business. Some of them are even lies (I mentioned before that my bender partner tried to lie to anyone that would listen and say she was dumped my bottles down the toilet. that's a big lie, but everyone seems to believe it. These are young people, and they should not be in my business.. As I sit here sober and intend to stay sober, I'm really pissed off that these people know details they should not and are not using them to be comforting or supportive. I knew this would happen and that's why I demanded privacy.

keeppushing

Are they really close friends if they think of you in a negative way? Sometimes its best to get all triggers in one's life.

I wish you all the best,

KP

Dee74

I'm sorry f-g. That was a horrible thing to think let alone say.

D

Delfin

FG, can you talk to your friend about how you felt about her comment? A coworker recently said a few things to me and another coworker that were incredibly hurtful. I was angry for a while and decided I needed to get it out. I went to the rude coworker, let's call her M, and told her that I was very hurt by her comments and that they me feel put down as a professional (a psychologist friend suggested I use "I" statements and state clearly but calmly what I was feeling). M confessed to me that she had always had difficulty expressing herself in appropriate ways when she is feeling stressed or frustrated and that she often does it to her partner too. (Poor guy!) While I don't think M and I are going to be bff's now, I felt better after addressing the situation rather than stewing in anger and hurt. I'm hoping M will be more thoughtful about her comments in the future, and as for her partner...good luck to him! :-D

All of this is to say that perhaps talking to your friend might help you feel better, and may improve your friendship. Just a thought.

What I can say for sure is that you are NOT worthless. You are doing an amazing thing by getting sober and working hard to better your life for you and your family, and I hope you can recognize how awesome that makes you.

Delfin

Foolsgold186

Thanks guys,I appreciate your replies. this friend in particular is renowned for putting her foot in her mouth. I

Foolsgold186

But it doesn't make what she said any easier to swallow. I did verbalise at the time (in a roundabout way) that I could never use that as an in to anywhere especially nursery for my baby.

I just think I'm a good friend and would never make such a hurtful comment. Maybe it's time I look at some relationships because I've really been left upset by this.

I know it's a lack of understanding but I know little about a lot (believe me!) and I'd never say such a stupid thing especially to a friend. I just wish I was stronger with things like this, it really affects me especially where my wee boy is
concerned.

Dee74

I think the remark says far more about them than it does about you foolsgold.

D

Delfin

Sadly, there are many folks with terminal cases of foot-in-mouth disease out there. Too bad there isn't a pill to cure them! ;-)

Delfin

MythOfSisyphus

Don't let it bring you down!

SoberLeigh

I am sorry that your friend was so insensitive, Foolsgold.

While it doesn't excuse her, your friend's comment is most likely based in total lack of understanding and appreciation of the strength, courage and dedication it takes to beat an addiction.

We understand and think you are fabulous.

Berrybean

Her saying that speaks more of what she would do herself than what she thinks you're likely to do. People go to bizarre lengths to get their kids into nurseries and schools that have good Ofsted reports in the UK. Move houses; change schools; get doctors letters - all sorts - even money bribes by all accounts.

One of the things we alcoholics are pretty good at doing is internalising other peoples comments and looks, and thinking that other peoples words and actions are a reflection on us, and then feeling as badly as is they ARE a reflection on us.

It was a silly and insensitive comment for your friend to make. But they are not YOUR faults. Perhaps you can say that your part in this was having confided in someone unable to understand (which can be pretty much anyone who isn't one themselves, unfortunately!) Like you suggest - this is something to learn from.

Do you have other friends who are alcoholics and in recovery local to you? I know that I would find life so much harder if I didn't have my close and wonderful AA friend, and also my sponsor to talk to about really personal stuff, and a handful of other ladies who I get on with there as well. If not, it might be worth making some so that you can talk things over with them in future rather than risk misunderstandings with your normie friends.

Take care x

JaneLane

That was an insensitive thing for her to say, but like the others have said, that's more a reflection on her, than you.

Foolsgold186

Thanks everyone. Half my problem is worrying too much what people think of me. This friend I've known since school, half my friends don't think I really have an issue with alcohol at all and the other half take it seriously. All of my friends are normal drinkers so I don't expect them to understand but I do expect the same love I give to them. I have friends in AA but I don't like to bring my issues up a lot, I struggle to even do that here at times. I try to keep positive but sometimes feel I'm painting on a happy face when I really want to sit in a corner and cry.

I really want to be the best person for my son and feel sometimes my strength is being tested at every turn.

Berrybean

Painting on a happy face is really NOT a good idea. We are most likely to get dangerously depressed when your insides and outsides are at odds. Have you got a sponsor and started working the steps yet? I suspect that Step 4 would be very, very helpful to you. I know for me it threw up patterns that I have since been able to start working on. One of those is people pleasing (even if I really dislike someone, the need to make them like me is still there). I know that one of the ladies at my group also goes to CODA, which she says has really helped her to understand things better (herself and relationships with others, and how to cope with things - practical tips as well). I'm considering going myself.

You say 'I don't expect them to understand but I do expect the same love I give to them'. The thing is, love isn't something we can expect. We can hope for it. We can give it. And other people's love can look very different to the love we ourselves give. Sometimes it's our expectations that lead us to be disappointed over and over again rather than the people who surround us. Like a kid who overhears a conversation and thinks she's getting a real pony for Christmas. If she hadn't had that expectation then the toy one would have seemed fantastic when she unwrapped it. But because it's not as good as what she'd expected she's absolutely gutted, and the toy becomes an object that triggers resentment.

I can be a big one for throwing everything up in the air and thinking my efforts aren't worth a light because of other people's reactions, so one of the thing I've incorporated into my daily prayer / reflection that I (try to remember to) start my morning with is the 'Do it anyway' prayer...

God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.

Sometimes it's tempting to try to fight life out - and rely on will-power and inner strength. These things can be great, and I've tried that. But, you know aht. Life is generally bigger and stronger than us - and for me acceptance was the key. And part of that acceptance was letting people at AA in. Asking someone to sponsor me (which was a big deal and took me almost a year) and letting down my guard enough so that people help me.

Foolsgold186

Thank you beccybean. Your response has got me thinking about stuff I know I need to work on. I really like your prayer-I do something similar but I think I'll pinch yours.

I had a sponsor, got pregnant and stopped working on the steps. I've moved areas so my old sponsor is too far away and I'm currently looking out for another.

I'm the forever people pleaser, I hate it but don't know how to change that. I thought I was getting better but after my relapse I feel I'm back at square one.

Your right about not expecting love but hoping for it.

Thank you.

Berrybean

No problem.

I don't think those tendencies of ours ever just 'go away'. My fear of upsetting people can literally grip my guts. The thing is that I'm slowly learning that just because I feel something, it doesn't make it true, and although I feel like I'm paralysed by my fear, actually I'm not. I have to just accept that emotion as something that is 'just there' take some deep breathes and move on regardless. Something that struck a chord with me was someone saying 'if I THINK that guy over there doesn't like me, the I FEEL the same pain as if he really rejected me.' I know that I (and I think most alcoholics, with our skewed perceptions and expectations of other people and relationships) really do put ourselves through thousands of rejections; accusations; and persecutions that never actually happened. I am getting better, and that's all down to what I've learned from folk on here and at AA, but it's not a done deal. I have to keep working on it, because I had over 40 years of learning and practicing how to think in my old way, and old habits die hard.

x

Soberwolf