chloebaby

Omg I get out of my group session today. Gotta get a transfer at bus station because I lost my car and my license last year. Of course bus station is like 50 feet from liquor store. My thoughts are fighting. My av saying remember how good you feel after a couple and then im trying to think that this can't be good for me if I did as I have money today and know if I drink just one its only a 50/50 chance that im gonna go on a binge again. Im determined to walk just get to my bus spot then sit.... What do I do.... I stop and go to liquor store and pick up. I blow off my appt. to sign papers for my new job. Today I think I finally realized to my core how much alcohol has control over me. I am a control freak so it makes me soooo mad that im letting it control me!! I have become a cheater and a liar and a pathetic human being and for what... So I can self medicate the poor me that thinks I need that poison in my body to feel good. I am sooo tired of this. I always knew since my firat drink at 16 that alcohol did not affect me the same as others. I am so thankfull for getting pregnant so that I thought of someone else before me. I know I need to do the mental work but I think im scared. The aa meeting i have went to listening has helped. My problem is sharing at my turn. That fear of feeling like a conplete loser makes me too ashamed to share when its my turn. I feel very self concious like im stupid when I speak im nervous and stutter. I know rambling but just having a pity party for myself. I am sorry everyone.

NatalieJane

I'm new to this, but I read your post and I can't NOT say something. The fact that you are here means that there is hope for you. Don't tell yourself there is anything but hope. You are strong. You are here.

Bird615

Good for you posting when you're struggling.
You don't have to share at a meeting if you don't want to. Especially if you are new, it might be best to just listen to what everyone else is saying. Even though I've been in AA for a long time, I still get nervous and tongue-tied. When that happens, I just pass and listen; if I'm really meant to say something the words just come and it's not as difficult.
Just hang in there and you'll be fine.

Anna

I think that poor self-esteem is often a big part of what leads us to alcoholism. It sure was for me. Like you, I was a complete control-freak, but I still felt like I wasn't doing enough, wasn't good enough. Try to be kind to yourself today. You came here and posted and that's a positive thing. You can do this!

skipper123

try not to be so hard on yourself. remember alcoholism is a disease and you are fighting it some days it wins. at least you are making an effort and holding yourself accountable. it will get better and I bet 90 percent of the people here don't want to speak up in front of a group of people and pour their hearts out. I know I wouldn't want to do it and would bevery scared.

ScottFromWI

Hope doesn't get you sober Chloe, action does. Everyone has the capability to get sober, you included. What you need to do is learn how to react in situations like the one above. Think of some of the things you could have done instead of going to the liquor store ( Calling your sponsor, coming here, taking a walk, etc ).

It's a whole new way of life...and we don't all learn it overnight. What's key to remember is to never quit trying...you will be successful eventually.

Jillian2563

So you got the job? That's terrific!

You can get thru this! You have no business going to a liquor store.

Maybe get something else to drink?

DitzyDandelion

Just wanted to give you hugs and say you can do this.

ClearLight

I have screwed up so many times but you just have to keep going.

I hope you can get back, SOBER, to sign the papers for the new job.

It's good you came here. Go out and get that job! You can do this!

Soberwolf

Findingtheway

There is hope for you. Always.

DO not GIVE up!

chloebaby

Ok starting day 1 again. I drank the 3 beers I bought...then went out and bought 4 more. My bf was quite upset and he has every right to. He said something to me that Im not quite sure how to take. He said to me if I was going to be smart about it then I should of at least not drank while he was at home. He can completely tell if I just have 1. I start to act different. I told him that I used to do that and I don't want to do that anymore. Im not sure maybe I wanted to get caught. All I know is im so tired of this. I almost talked myself out of going yesterday by trying to remind myself of all the negative that would come from my drinking.

DitzyDandelion

Have you thought what you can do to avoid slipping again?

Jillian2563

I'm sorry to hear this.

You are already putting your new job at risk. I'm just speaking from experience.

I know how hard it is to get and stay sober. But something's gotta give, ya know?

PurpleDan

Whilst it might be a 50/50 chance you'll go on a binge, it's pretty much a 100% chance that if you don't treat your alcoholism, it will kill you. If you're "lucky" it will be short and sweet. More than likely, it will be long, painful and torturous, both for you and your family. So don't think of it being a 50/50 thing...think of it being a fact that it will kill you.

Really happy to hear you've gone to an AA meeting. It's the only form of recovery I've done and it's worked for almost 18 years. As someone else said, it's not a "thinking" programme...it's a programme of action. As was suggested to me, which worked for me, so I will suggest to you - 90 meetings in 90 days, get phone numbers and use them, get a big book and read it and get a sponsor. The fellowship of AA is there to help you recover - reach out and grab its hand. Let us love you until you can love yourself.

And I totally relate to the being tongue-tied etc. I think pretty much all AA'ers have been there, so we understand. We come to AA to save our asses, not our faces, so don't worry about how you might sound. And if you really don't want to share, just say your name, that you're an alcoholic (if you identify as one) and that you wish to pass. Maybe instead, get to meetings early, stay a little late and talk to people on a 1-to-1 basis, to relieve some of that pressure of sharing in a group scenario.

Nonsensical

Yeah, that was a very disturbing day on my path as well.

The good news is that the feeling you'll get when it no longer has control over you is more than twice as sweet. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was getting into bed at night and the thought hit me; I didn't think about drinking all day today.

A sense of freedom and contentment settled over me like a down comforter and I slept the sleep of the newly emancipated.

You can do this.

ccam1973

There's always hope as long as you believe in yourself. You've got to want to quit Chloe. No one can do this for you.

If you want to quit, then don't drink today. We all have all been where you are. I drank over a case of beer or a 3L box of wine each and every day before I decided I had to quit.

It's not easy and takes a ton of work and will power. But I promise you, all of the effort you put in to being sober is SO worth what you will get out of it.

You have the power to get your life back. Use all of the resources and recovery plans that you can to break the cycle.

We are here for you.

SnoozyQ

Chloe , there is ALWAYS hope sweetheart. Just remember that

You are amongst friends who understand & who want you to get well.

Next time post here before you sabotage everything that is going good for you. There is ALWAYS someone here to talk you out of it. Anytime of the day or night.

good luck honey , I feel for you

Dee74

There is always hope Chloe

I found I needed to make some pretty big changes tho because my life, and my gut reactions to things was all about alcohol.

It took a little effort to feel the craving and not do anything about it - but that really is the way forward. I thought feeling uncomfortable would near kill me - but it didn't.

I worked pretty hard to get drunk and stay drunk - I needed to work with that same dedication on being sober too.

You can do this Chloe

D